Running is all I do at this moment.
The darkness begins to seep into my mind, causing a daze from the madness that I witnessed tonight. I do not know what to expect from these dying words—but there is no doubt that my family is currently in danger.
As I continued running back home, back to my family where I can hug all of them and apologize for leaving them; not knowing what else to do. Even though my heart is pounding like crazy, I still need to use my legs to move and keep running. It’s hard enough to run through the forest but to run on the slippery snow is a nightmare. Every time my feet touched an iced surface, slipping and sliding in the snow, my heart almost jump out of my chest.
Despite injuring myself from each fall, I continued running for their sake, not mine. I do not care how much injury I get from each fall-Clover, Lilim and everyone is part of my warm light; the warmth that keeps me alive. Without them, I feel like there is no reason to continue living.
Then something unexpected happen, drops of heavy rain begins to pour down from the dark sky violently. I had been running under the gloomy night and did not realize that it started to drizzle and rain until it poured heavily. By the time I realized it, I stopped my tracks, slowly walking on the snow and trying to catch my breath. After several deep breathes, looking up at the sky, I mumbled under my breath, “raining?…it is raining at time like this?” Commenting in surprise.
Raining? I cannot believe my eyes when it is happening in front of my eyes. Never have I seen the weather changed…into this. Something like rain is a rare phenomenon in this world; especially during the cold and endless winter.
An indistinguishable scream reverberated in the distance.
It was a sound of desperation.
My eyes widen, realizing that the daunting scream was my wife.
Oh god, please! What the hell am I stopping and reflecting on this stupid change of weather?! I should be continuing running back home, not wasting time thinking about the strange changes of my environment. As soon as the thought crossed my mind, glimpse of familiar silhouette that caught the corner of my eye. My body froze from it—my heart seized in fear of having to see her again.
Lilith.
From the distance, it is that woman-the person responsible for everything that made me this way. A horrifying smile stretched her face before slowly raising her hand to point at the direction of my home. My hands are trembling in fright.
“WHAT DID YOU DO?!” I yelled back, attempting to look into the direction of the scream. However, she did not respond to my inquiry, only laughed at how I was unable to understand the gravity of my situation. It was then that the first wave of panic was hitting me.
I do not want to accept this, I cannot believe what happened to my family, to know that they are possibly…killed. It was too much for a survivor to handle; I could not take this anymore. That moment, I knew it was either fight or flight. The former is futile and the latter is impossible, leaving me with no choice but to accept the truth.
She killed them.
No, no, no, please! NO!
As my answer came to fruition, Lilith slowly fade out of existence, leaving me in the cold and lonely world. All alone—no one to comfort me or anything else. The loneliness that appeared so distant from the past now becomes the harsh reality as all hope of ever coming out from this nightmare vanished.
I ran, run like hell to my home as despite knowing the truth; I refuse to accept that my loved ones are gone. For over six years, I had been crying and lamenting what I have become. No words can describe the grief and fear that overwhelmed me.
Images of memories flashed between my eyes, the time of my life with the one person that brought joy and laughter to this world, the woman I have love and married. The friends I made with those people, the people I trusted and called family, they are gone.
And my child, my daughter who was also the light that kept me sane and grounded in reality is gone. Never going to see the world again.
Yet, I continued with my futile persistence in denying this truth. There must be a chance; a small sliver of a chance—a possibility where they are still alive. With the tears flowing like rain and the clouds booming thunder across the sky.
Long couple of minutes running like hell, I arrived with nothing else but the despair that spawned inside my soul when I finally get to see the scene that I dreaded to encounter the most: the house we built, the home that was filled with warmth and happiness.
Now, it is only a burnt corpse of the past that stands as an empty husk of its previous glory days.
Despite raining violently, the hypnotizing fire that still burns bright and hot from the inferno that claimed the lives of everyone within the house. Not even the raging flames of the fire is capable of stopping the sight of the bloodied, mutilated corpse of burnt leprechaun at the front of the house, his lifeless face twisted in agony, his arm raising up towards in the heavens; the only person to be spared from whatever deadly blast that made the house become like this.
The excruciating pain to see someone I cared about, just to die again after all those six years of finally being freed—it hurts more than anything. This is not enough to stop the flood of tears and cries of sadness and anguish. It is too much. The pain is unbearable, yet, I can’t help it.
However, the worst part is yet to come; in the middle of the burning and broken house was Eve, beheaded and impaled with a tall sharp stick. Her agonizing expression, seeing something horrible and unthinkable. Slowly walking in the burning and destroyed home, I grabbed my wife’s head before noticing a small and carved drawing on her forehead, which read the shape of heart.
My hands trembled with the strength of my emotions, the agony, anger, hate, sorrow and guilt all wrapped up in the mess of feelings as I carried her, holding close to my chest as I spun in motion and moved away from the burning house, leaving behind nothing but the smell of smoke and the echo of heavy rain pouring down on me.
“AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
That was the only thing that came out of my mouth as I continued walking to the unknown, aimless and screaming like the fool that I am; but only to myself, to express my feelings of how sorry and remorseful of my actions that caused such mayhem and devastation. Then, in the midst of my deepening guilt for my sins, I looked up to the skies above, letting out all my pain to the dark and cloudy night sky.
“WHY?! WHY GOD?! WHY DID YOU LET THESE HAPPEN?!” My voice was not only filled with rage and frustration but a mixture of despair and hatred towards a higher power, questioning the reason did God let it happen? Why was there so little hope left in this world?
“ANSWER ME! ANSWER ME! I WANT YOU TO ANSWER! ANSWER MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!” I screamed to the heavens like an angry child, knowing that no one could hear me, except for myself; but it felt better to scream and release the pent up feelings inside of me, relieving some sort of pain and tension. Even though, there is no one to answer. No one could ever understand.
At that moment, the voices came back-my darkness, my inner demons, began to laugh once again, their demonic cackling and echoes reverberating throughout my skull is the only thing that was heard as I stared down the long straight horizon that stretched out before me.
“Hahahaha!” They laughed and torment me further; like the devil and his devils, mocking and teasing me with their sinister and wicked ways of moving me further down to my turmoil.
As if to give a hint of the truth, my inner evil whispered in my ear, “This is all your fault, Adam.”
There is nothing else for me to say or refute, I have nothing else to do nor am I able to recover from something like this. All of my family, their dead and the light that held me together has vanished from this world, leaving me completely alone to deal with the consequences of my actions—
‘What will you do now?’
I had no answer. What was there to say that could even begin to explain the thoughts in my head that were too overwhelming and far too terrible for anyone to understand. There is nothing to do; there is no hope left in this world. Nothing can stop this from happening anymore.
Nothing matters, everything was pointless and useless now that this world had come crashing down. Everything I tried to do, every move, every step was in vain and fruitless. I was like a rat running through the maze of tunnels that led to the cheese only to be eaten by the cats. It wasn’t worth it. There is absolutely no point.
No matter how much I tried to escape and run away, there was nowhere to go.
‘Say it, say it, say it,'”‘ they repeat and mockingly taunt me with their insanity and twisted logic. There was no end to the pain, to the madness; only more torture and suffering.
What would I do now?
What choice did I even have?
Everything was done. Everything. Everyone. Dead. Destroyed. All of it.
Should I accept the darkness that still binds me or fight to break free? To lose all of my humanity in exchange for forever escaping from this pain? A monster. An abomination. A madman. Am I not already? Will I be better off? Or is it worse to be like them? Should I embrace my sins and let this be my final act of revenge or should I continue to fight until the bitter end, never letting them touch me; to stay human, even if it is in name only.
‘SAY IT!’
The voice spoke louder than before, chanting angrily in demand of accepting them and refusing everything that makes me human. Their words and commands became a maddening loop in my mind, playing over and over again. My entire body felt as if it was burning in agony from the endless torturous screams of the voices.
Even as humans, there is a breaking point where we can no longer endure and give up. Where there is no hope left and no means of escape. However, in the end, most of us want to remain alive and be the way we intended to be.
“I refuse,” my exhausted legs gave in, forcing myself to kneel on the powdery ground after giving them an answer that was not the answer that they wanted to hear.
“WHAT?! AFTER EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED, YOU REFUSE TO LET GO?!” All of these voices spoke in one, anger and rage carrying their combined message with a single tone.
My head shook every time they speak, aching and throbbing like a headache. But no matter what, I did not give in the darkness that held me. Even if it meant to be a puppet, a slave; the enemy that holds my chains and use me for all of their evil...
I haven't brought myself to give in the temptation.
Sad smile crossed my lips, caressing Eve’s head while sobbing miserably, crying from the anguish of having to endure and face this hellish life—my life, “most desperate humans would agree with you at their lowest point, but I am not most people. I’m Adam, a pure and hundred percent human being at the bottom of my bones-there is no way I am going to give in to whatever your offering…”
As I said those words, the voices faded away, leaving echoing traces of insults and curses that still remained on the back of my ears like an annoying sound of crickets. Although, despite hearing their threats of punishment, nothing happened; it was merely another part of their game to try and break me down into becoming full-blown monster they wanted me to be.
“It does not matter, I am fine dying like this…if it is with the woman I love…”My eyes closed, allowing the rain and cold to wash over my body, taking away all of the tension and stress, “death…is this how it ends? It feels nice…” the world caves in, enveloped with silence and solitude.
No more screaming of the voices; nothing but the falling raindrops and thunder before my world became complete void of darkness.
