Today is another day like always. I woke up earlier than usual and went down to the kitchen after using the bathroom in my room. Making simple breakfast comprised of eggs and toast for everyone in the house, I decided to step outside my home to take a smoke break.
As I stepped out the front door, the first thing in the morning that greeted my eyes was the beautiful sunlight shining down on me. The air was crisp and cold as it always is, but that is not my main focus right now.
It was the rising sun that made me feel a strange sensation of euphoria and nostalgia in the back of my mind. It was the gorgeous sight of an old memory in my childhood. The time when Alice, Bobby and I spend a moment of clarity on that cliff.
A past so far away, yet so vividly remembered. I could almost feel the warmth of the sun shining embracing my whole body as if I was one with nature. I was at peace with myself and the world around me. A moment where I felt that I was safe and protected.
It is a moment I would never forget since I lost them from terrible event that forever scarred my mind for the rest of my life.
Sighing, I sat back down on the front steps and began to take the cigar from my pack, watching the clouds pass over me in the sky. I took another puff from the cigarette and exhaled out the smoke as a long sigh escaped from my lips.
“Every time I am close to death, the warmth light of the sun is what greets my eyes, its comforting rays that offer me solace and peace, for I know that it is only in this world that I can find this feeling of such comfort,” I quietly said under my breath, hoping that no one heard me.
“But what is so wrong about accepting death? If I am able to let go and return to nature, then why not do it right now?” I took a long drag from the cigar and smiled at the notion of going back to nature and being one with Mother Earth.
On spur of moment, I felt the abrupt appearance of Clover sitting just near my side, having appeared out of nowhere, “what the bloody socks are yer mopping about laddie?” Clover’s voice echoed from my ears. “Nothing much, just taking a break and enjoying the morning air,” I replied, before taking another puff of my cigar and exhaling out the smoke as if it was part of me.
We silently just stared at the rising sun, letting our minds wander into our own thoughts. There was silence, only the peaceful cold air and moving vehicles in the road were there to disturb us. “So tell me lad, what brings ya here in this early gorgeous morning?” Clover asked.
“Nothing much, just came here to find some peace of mind,” I replied with a sigh, “why you ask? Is there something wrong about it?” I asked and turned my gaze to look at him. “No, not at all, just curious what brought ya here is all,” Clover said, before continuing, “could a Irish leprechaun like myself borrow cigarette from you?”
Sure, why not? Moreover, I heard about leprechauns has liking of smoking or something along those lines. “Sure thing,” I said and fished out a cigar from my pack, igniting it with my lighter before casually handing the said cigar to him, “here.” I said as he grabs it from mine.
“Thanks arty, it is been a while since I have enjoyed a good old cigar,” Clover said while exhaling out the smoke into the air, “it does not taste like the pipes that I used to smoke; it’s not bad, but not as nice,” he said.
“I do not really care about taste,” I replied with a smile and puff on my cigar once again, “it helps me to calm down when I am having those anxious moments.” Mentioning the anxiety part, Clover rose an eyebrow or two from his face.
“Anxious moments?” Clover asked, taking a puff of his cigar and exhaling out the smoke like he was some sort of a dragon, “do you mean that something is constantly bothering you in your life?” He asked while staring straight at the beautiful horizon.
“That is not what I am talking about,” I replied, before taking another puff again, “I was talking about those moments when you feel like you are the only one who can understand more about what goes on around,” the assertion of feeling that I am the only one in this world to comprehend an issue is not actually something I have ever want to speak or think about.
“Is that what is going on inside of your head lad? If you are lonely arty, then I can give you some advice,” Clover said while looking at me, patiently waiting for my response. I then replied with my own, “I think that would be a great idea,” I said, before I turned my whole head to stare into the horizon again.
“You will not regret it. I can tell you that much,” Clover said while giving me a nod, “I have lived a long life, lad. We leprechauns are immortal and we know what it is like to be alone in this world. So, if you want some advice then I am more than willing to give it to you arty.”
I shook my head with eyes closed, “sure, sure. Just spill the beans already, Clover,” I impatiently said aloud. Clover then went down on one knee and placed his hand on my back, gently patting me, “you have all of your life ahead of you lad, so enjoy it while you can.”
“That…that is your advice for me?” I stared at him, confused by his words. “Of course that is my advice for you. You are only young once,” Clover said while pointing his hand out to the horizon from afar, “see there, beautiful aint it? It is the place where all the hopes and dreams go,” he retreated, his tired arms pointing at the horizon, “you have a lot to be grateful for lad. You have your life ahead of you and you can do anything that you want with it. No one has the right to tell you otherwise,” his deliverance was comforting, but I was still not satisfied with his answer.
“But it appears like every time I try to do something good and rewarding in my life, it always ends up being nothing more than a disaster,” I said as I let my head drop to the ground, “I lost my friends, my future wife, and the best adoptive father I ever had. What is next? That there is going to be a third disaster on me?”
I chuckled at my grim thought, “it is like every time I try to go down this path that I am on, I always end up falling into a pit of despair and misery. I cannot even begin to fathom how bad it is going to get if I keep this up,” letting the cigar stay between my lips, I extend my arms in front, opening the palms as I focus on them, “I am going to lose everything that is important to me. I am going to lose my new family, my friends, my sanity and eventually even my life. Is there even a point of living when you will go through so much misery before you die? I mean…isn’t it better just to end it all?”
I let out a deep breath as I closed my eyes, rising my head towards the sky, “I don’t want to lose anymore friends, family, or even my life anymore. I just want to live my life for myself,” I said while opening my eyes, the illuminating lights of the sun became more vivid and dazzling than before.
“Clover, you sympathize with me, right?” I asked him as I gazed up at the sky, “You understand what I am going through. You also know that there is a bigger picture here,” I said to him, “do not tell me that you are not aware of this.”
Clover’s face remained blank, his head down, thinking of something to say. He then slowly raised his head, looking up at the sky along with me, he then replied with a heavy sigh, “I…believe you lad, I do…but do you still believe yourself?” His puzzling response made me frown, but I decided to ask anyway.
“You don’t think that what I said is true?” I asked him, “the experiences I have seen, felt, and heard of myself makes me doubtful that there is more to this life than just misery and suffering. I mean, I cannot even see a bright future for myself anymore,” I said as I placed my hands back, “I know I am going to end up making mistakes and falling into something, but I continue to endure and thrive against fate. Even with the losses I have suffered, I still believe that I must continue struggling,” I said as I turned to look at Clover, “I just don’t know how much longer I can maintain this fight. I am tired and worn out.”
“I understand your pain lad…” Clover started, but I cut him off, “You don’t have to tell me that it is going to be hard. I know all of this bullshit and what not, in the end; nothing will change, it always like this; death, pain, fear; most of the time, these are what happens in most of our daily lives as human beings and likely any animal experience,” I said as I looked up at the sky again, “I am not trying to be pessimistic or anything like that. I just believe that there is no point in fighting against fate.”
“But you are living the life for yourself lad,” Clover said, “why do you have to go in that road of self-doubt and blaming yourself?”
“Because I am fighting for my own survival,” I said, “even though I wish that I am not alive, I still cannot help myself to endure and thrive onward,” I answered before looking down at the ground, “I wish that I am not alive, but it is what it is. I can’t change the past, and there is nothing that can be done to change the future. Is that the price I have to pay for being alive?”
“Ah, lad,” Clover sighed, “It sounds like you are trying to convince yourself of that. You cannot change fate, but there are things you can do to change your reaction to the situations. There is a way to enjoy the moments you have; the problem is that you have not yet learnt to appreciate from them,” Clover told me before being patted by my back again.
“Are you telling me that I should continue living in this state of misery and despair?” I asked with a stern voice at disbelief from his statement, “and appreciating them? I have no optimism or faith in humanity, that is why I am forced to be like this. I see the world for what it is. And that is why I greatly despise human beings and the way of life that they inflict upon each other. I have no hope of change, not for myself and not for humanity as a whole, even though a small part of me says otherwise.”
“I am telling you that you should live your life and enjoy it lad,” Clover said with a grin, “I understand how you feel the world is treating you, but you also need more not for yourself but for others. People or humans are not all evil and cruel, but your attitude is making you a bitter and cynical man who only sees the bad things in this world. You have to try to see the good in people; you have to try to be the change you want to see in this world.”
See the good in people? See the good in everything? There is nothing good about humans in general, sure; there are perhaps some good people in general, but at the end of the day, the common person is selfish, entitled to their own life and greedy. I am not a hero, I am not a savior and I am not an angel. I am the type of person who will only help myself and nobody else unless it benefits me somehow.
Funny to think about that we humans are responsible for the global cooling due to our the mass production of gasses and other horrible shit we have done in this world and to each other, yet I still admire the individual strengths of mankind; the reason to live, the reason to continue, the reason to learn and the reason to understand are what us humans are good at.
Heh, I always wonder if that is what it means to be human?
