“Huh?”
That was the only thing that came into my mouth when my eyes opened, feeling the soft mattress under my head and the warm bedroom that eased my cold. At first, my mind felt sluggish and foggy like when waking from deep sleep but quickly turned to confusion.
My thoughts were in disarray as memories rushed in, of events that had happened in the past few days—what was real, what wasn’t, and why was everything so blurry, like my eyes are still tired from not getting enough restful hours of sleep.
Suddenly, a male voice came through from my side; “It seems our friend is awake,” the tone of the voice sounded stern. There was no fear or surprise on my face though as I already recognize their presence the moment they made themselves known to me.
Turning the side of my head, Azrael and Mervin were there, standing over the edge of my bed in sympathetic concern.
“I have never thought we would be able to save you, let alone survive from that extreme weather you were in,” Mervin said in relief, moving closer to the bedside, “may I also inquiry why you were out there?” He asked in a curious and inquisitive manner.
No answer, like there is any point in doing anything.
Flashes of remembrance from my dead family, the happy moments, the tears and laughter; all of it rekindled a painful ache inside of my heart that started to throb uncontrollably, as if trying to break through its cage, to get out of the confines of my chest.
Nothing needs to be said, nothing is needed. All I have is nothing, that is what I have. Just the loneliness, the isolation—it is all that is left in my life now.
As the two of them stood at the end of the bed, watching a broken man, only having received the silent treatment. Not a word, not a gesture of kindness, only coldness from me.
Minutes passed, the awkward silence like the time that passes between seconds; they looked at each other and sighed. Finally, Azrael broke the silence and spoke directed to Mervin, “sorry about this, but you could you leave us for a moment?” She politely asked.
Mervin nodded and bowed his head. “Of course,” he said. With his footsteps disappearing, she took a step closer to the bedside and sat, “Adam…” heartbroken Azrael gazed down at the floor, “I am sorry for what happened to your family,” she began in a low voice, knowing full well that no mere apology can set me free from my pain.
Azrael continued, “and to be honest; I do not understand how or why this can be happened. Your story should successfully give what you want, but…Lilith somehow manage to evade your place in the narrative,” her hands gripped the edges of the white sheets on the bed, holding on to it to keep herself from floating away.
Taking a short glance at me, she can only see the lifeless eyes of mine, expressionless and dead; lost all hope and joy, nothing more than the hollow shell of a human like myself. There are only traces of sadness on my face but it was enough to show the burden of misery that lay within my soul.
Azrael lowered her gaze again, and after taking a deep breath, she exhaled with an audible sigh as her lips moved, forming the words that came from the depths of her heart, “I was not expecting for you to be here, and in this condition.”
Her soft, warm and gentle voice sounded so comforting, as though a songbird sang to my ears and eased my troubled mind, that it can magically fix all of my problems…like that would ever happened as no amount of therapy can cure me.
However, something came in my mind; an idea that would grant me the peace I so desired, “kill me,” I uttered out loud in my delirium. I know this will never happen. No one in their right mind would want to die. However, this thought was not for committing suicide or ending my life.
Even with all the bravado of struggling with life and trying my very best to keep moving onwards to the light of dawn, there is still nothing but darkness waiting ahead of me like the end of the road—the abyss of despair where there will be no escape and nothingness awaits for eternity.
If there was anything to regret about this life, it is only the fact that I had failed to die alongside my loved ones; that is if death did exist. My thoughts is empty as shells with the only thing interested at all is dying and becoming a part of the cold, dark void of nothingness.
My body felt weak and exhausted, unable to continue on like this. Everything appeared too overwhelming and impossible to deal with; everything that once was dear to me is now lost forever, and even the hope for a possible tomorrow was stolen.
Most of all, Eve and Lilim were always my beacon of hope and I always have mentioned or reminded these in every waking moment of my life.
Asking Azrael to kill me created a long and ominous silence atmosphere once more, with her eyes looking down, feeling guilt and sorrowful, yet, with an emotionless look.
Long and ominous silence have hit the atmosphere once more, with her eyes staring down; guilt and sorrow can be seen in her expression. A long pause was followed before she finally spoke again with a gloomy tone in her voice. “I can’t, not like this…” She paused, her face slightly turned away from me.
Hahaha…if she won’t do it, then perhaps I might. Because if I keep trying to live, that dreadful monster would come and try to ruin my life again. To be honest, I don’t want to suffer anymore. I have been through hell in this world and I am not afraid of giving everything my all.
I am waiting so long in being stuck in this stupid world.
But despite all my pessimistic and depressing thoughts going rampant in my head, there is one remark in igniting fire inside me; like the flame of hope—that hope which is to reach out for better days and brighter future.”Not when your daughter is still alive,” Azrael words were like an icy dagger stabbing into my chest. My despair was shattered to pieces. Hope is now there, shining brightly. I will be able to fight on and survive this horrendous journey of mine.
Hearing this, my lifeless eyes returned to life and looked up at the ceiling; visualizing my daughter reaching me out of the darkness and helping me to walk through the hard times of this world.
Grinding my teeth in response, I pulled my torso upwards to the bed, the images of Lilim and me having those beautiful moments of raising her as loving father flashed before my eyes. Lilim’s beautiful smile, like a flower blossoming to the world; that time, when I adopted her; when we played throwing snowballs at one another, building snowmen, celebrating chrismas and helping Eve in her cooking was the most memorable part of my life.
Even though it is still fresh in my mind and heart, the memories of that precious time had become a distant dream. Yet, knowing now that she is still alive has brought me back to life.
“Where is she?!” I said in panic, almost jumping of the bed and try to find her through the ends of this damn world if I need to, “WHERE IS MY DAUGHTER?!” I screamed louder, angrier than before as I look at Azrael in desperation.
Sighing from my desperation, she begin to spill the beans, “I…I don’t know, she is not dead as I would have seen her soul departing from the physical world but I cannot sense her anywhere in this planet,” Azrael explained to me; in this moment, her expression of sadness is replaced by that of concern.
I don’t care if she is not in this world anymore or is stuck in some inescapable prison. I will do everything in my power to rescue her, even though I have no clue how to go about it. All that matters is that, I can feel a faint warmth of hope coming back from somewhere deep down.
Frowning, I yelled back, “then help me find her! Help me find my daughter…please?” With my last sentence, I lowered my voice, unable to hold the tears inside. At this point, it doesn’t really matter to me whether I will be able to return. I cannot live if Lilim isn’t there beside me.
She is the only family I have and no one is going to take me, not God or Devil; not even death itself will be able to stop me from rescuing my daughter.
A smile erupted from her face, “hmm…well, I do have a solution for your predicament, but I suppose we must ask Mervin for that,” Azrael said as she looked outside the window to the sky. A small beam of light shone in from the sun which shined like gold through the windows. It was then that I remembered that the day was still young and night has not fallen yet.
There is hope and that is all I need to get out of my lazy ass and stand tall, “take me to him,” my firm and determined voice echoed in the room. With a flick of her finger, we instantly appeared right next to him in some random living room.
“Oh, I did not see you two here, what happened with-“
I have no time for this.Cutting him off in mid-sentence, “Mervin, how can you find someone that is out of this world?” My intriguing question brought his full attention, causing him to hum in contemplation; he paused to think for a while before responding, “such an interesting question, but yes; I do know how to find a missing person. Although, the problem is that I left that book in my office at the police station.”
Great, more exploration and walking. And I supposed that being here, makes me believe I am back to this dump filled city. Atleast I can still move my damn legs to walk, “good, then I will make my way there then,” as I was about to leave, Mervin immediately made me stopped my tracks.
“You need this.”
Turning around, Mervin raised and stretched his hand towards me; holding what appears to be a key, “this is key to enter the station, it’s been abandoned for long time now,” this unexpected reply made me want to ask why as I took it from him.
“What…happened in those six years?” I asked curiously, wondering how long it had been since I lived my solitude life.
His head facing to the nearby window, looking at the beautiful morning horizon, “after you left, the lack of resources and recruits caused us to retire the place. Chief Walker also retired from his work, having told me how disappointed he was to your departure,” Mervin responded as he turned to look at me.
I…I feel awful for what had happened but I did not regret the choices I made in building the life I have, “thank you…Mervin,” I was about to leave when Azrael chimed in our conversation, “let me come with you Adam, I can instantly take you there with my abilities,” she replied to my suggestion with a smile.
“Fine, you can come along with me but this time, we have to walk there instead of doing your weird magic,” I said to her which she gave me an astonished stare.
“Walking? Do not be absurd; we can instantly just appear at any location with thought. Besides, it is much safer than walking through this cold city,” Azrael explained, pouting.
I have no idea of what her plan is but I prefer to do things my way, “sorry but it is not happening,” and with that, I walked away, resulting in follow suit in annoyance of having to walk instead of teleporting.
Also, I find it more comforting to enjoying the fresh air and sunlight that gives me whenever I am outside.
