Knocking the door, we waited as seconds passed; the cold air and waves of wind blowing around us. We hear her mumbling on the other side of the door, but nothing more.
The opened, she had a sour look on her face. Seeing us all together, her expression became astonished, especially the chunks of meat that Skoll is carrying with his bare hands. Obviously taken aback of the sight before her. However, she recovered from the suddenness of it. Smiling slightly, her demeanor and attitude changed as if she is relieved.
“Come in, everyone. I have prepared lunch already,” Eve announced, like a queen welcoming her guests; a warm and inviting voice.
Gestured us to follow, we entered the kitchen and sat on the long wooden table that is filled with food and drinks. What I did not noticed from before is that she also brought new types of prepared food on the table, such as sliced ham and boiled eggs. There is a jar of mayonnaise, various types of pickled vegetables and fruit. Even a plate with slices of cheese, bread, butter and jam.
Skoll did not sat with us, he spoke with Eve about the cut pieces of meat being held before being told to place it in the freezer, the location of the refrigerator in this specific room.As we are about to dine in our meals, my wife asked an intriguing question regarding about my time outside with everyone, “what did you guys out there?” Questioning, curious about what we were doing.
Lucky for me, Lilim spoke for us, “mom, we played throwing snowballs at each other and even built snowman,” the girl said excitedly. She is like the excited little kid I used to have.
“Really? That sounds fun,” Eve responded while smiling. She seemed to be interested; curious about the things we have done. I can tell that she is wanting to have a conversation with us, to wash away the boredom of the day and to know how her family is doing.
After the werewolf finished putting the meat in our freezer, he casually approached and sat on the available chair he can find, hungry and tired after his hunt in the wilderness.
Clover, on the other hand, was bored out of his mind, deciding now to enter the conversation than merely being observer and eating his delicious meal, “anything fascinating or intriguing like yer hunts through the woods, arty?” The Irish little man inquired about Skoll.
The werewolf glanced towards him, looking at Clover. “Aside from the creature I have slayed from earlier, nothing notable happened except a few interesting beasts that I encountered during my hunt,” he answered while glancing back to the meat in the freezer.Eve was about to ask something but decided not to; instead, she turned her attention to where he is looking at, “so that is what you brought us? It is interesting. Can you tell us what type of animal it is?” Eagerly wondering about the strange dead animal.
Skoll simply grumbled with his teeth, showing a displeased look on his face, “I don’t know and I care little about what it is,” did not sound like the fact that he can be so blunt to everyone about what he has been hunting for the entire morning.
The conversation went to a different direction; talking amongst themselves about their lives and what not. Everything here is just mundane and normal, not much of interest or exciting things to talk about. Just the atmosphere in this kitchen were carried with not just the scene of food, but the comfortable vitality, warmth and love that this home emanates.
Lilim is like an angel in this house—always cheerful, positive attitude to everyone she meets. My spouse is warm too but in a more reserved and caring way.
As for myself, it is quite obvious that they loved me for being a good man for this family. Still, something about that still gives me doubt and distrust. It was like a shadow that haunt my mind; the awful things I have done in my past, they still hurt me and haunt my conscience. Even though everyone here have forgiven me, the shame is still there.
Noises began to fade in the distance, growing further away from every second as my vision slowly detached itself from the present and drifted to the unknown. This is a time when everything felt perfect—everyone is happy and loved. A time when it was not about worrying about the past, but about what the presence.Reminding me of how cold the world really is, like the air that made me feel like a lifeless body; freezing and chilly. For a moment, it did not appear real but rather like a dream or nightmare.
Despite this odd sensation of being detached from my surroundings, I feel the existential dread of something big going to happen to my life I just built through these six years and the imagination of losing it again would surely drive me to the brink of madness.
Could I live myself, knowing the unpleasant things I have done and my nightmares that still constantly haunts me? Would I be able to go on; will this be the end of it all—of me and of everyone around me.
Do I even deserve this happy ending of mine?
No…not quite actually, I have to keep reminding my damn self that no matter what future throws us or it’s obstacles, me and my family together will always prevail. We are strong enough to survive this, we are survivors. And we can do anything if it’s for the ones I hold dear to my heart. So, let the world burn and bury its evil in the ground.
“Honey?”
My perception returned to reality, snapping me to whatever I was into as the voice of Eve brought me out of control, “y-yes?” I anxiously asked, realizing that everyone at the table was silently staring at me.Lilim decide to chimed in, her worried gaze and tone of voice clearly showing that she is concerned about what is wrong with me, “father, you were zooming out? Do you want to talk about it with us?” She questioned, and the rest of the family looked like they were ready to storm many questions of their own.
Putting a forced smile, I stood up from my chair, “I am just exhausted, that is all. Thanks for the food, Eve. I’m going to bed now to take a rest in clear my thoughts,” with that said, I gave everyone a small wave goodbye before heading upstairs to my bedroom; not wanting to get anyone else involved.
As I entered my room and closed the door, I leaned on it, allowing my tired body to melt down to the ground slowly, releasing a sigh of relief from my mouth, “I think I need to go to therapy,” I murmured to myself as tears streamed down my face.
Even after all the time, trying to live a normal; it appears impossible for me to do. I wish I could forget everything, to simply lose all these memories except this new life I have and just to enjoy what I wanted to be.
In the end, I still remember the faces of demons and horrible people during my detective days, their flashes of memories are still there, like a black and white picture in front of the camera. Like I told myself back in that snowy forest from years ago, of my nightmares are not gone but buried deep in the past. It is as though it was all just a nightmare that came from the deepest recesses of my mind.
Standing up with my all strength and wiping my tears, I approached a cabinet, opening it to reveal a pack of cigars and lighter that I merely stored there, untouched for god’s how long.Placing my ass on the edge of my bed, I put the lighter at the side of my bed, allowing the cigar remained between my held fingers.
I promise to Eve to stop smoking when we adjusted to this new home we moved into. The temptation of wanting to smoke was slowly hurting me through those six years before it suddenly stopped. However, this time, I feel that I want to smoke.
To ease the stress and frustration that is secretly destroying my spirit, I desperately feel the addiction crawling on my back again.
Then something unexpected happened…voices of the past, haunting me once again. Demonic laughter echoing in the back of my mind, which is like an evil, cold voice. They were laughing and mocking at me; taunting me for the many failures and blunders that I had made.
“Take it, take a puff of smoke, Adam! Come on, I know you want it! COME ON!” They shouted and laughed at me. It is never ending and it is almost driving me insane.
“COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON!”
Repeating it over and over, their laughter continuously playing in my head, it was like a broken record of the past, playing and repeating it; with the voices of these inner demons of mine.
How did this happen to me? How could these dark voices of the past come back and torment me after so many years of not hearing it or even thinking about it. They are like an endless abyss of hell, a bottomless pit of misery and despair.
Clenching my own head, I tried all my best to ignore them but to no avail, sometimes they said different insults to me. They continued to mock and laugh at me and say all sorts of horrible things that hurt my ears and eyes.
My body started trembling and sweating profusely, as if my blood was boiling. I feel like I am going to explode or fall into unconsciousness. I don’t understand why this is happening to me. All the memories of the past is flooding inside of my head; but not the actual events or incidents of what had happened. It is as if it is replaying in my mind.
I was about to scream in terror when a loud knock on my door caused all of the problems to leave, including these damn voices that just came back to haunt me.
“Who is it?” I shouted afar from the door, not having the strength to get up and open it.
Lilim’s voice spoke in the other side, “Father, it’s me! I just want to check in if everything is alright,” she called out in a soft and gentle tone. Hearing someone, especially my daughter drove out whatever hellish thoughts and emotions bringing me down to the ground.
Controlling my breathing, I stand up and first put back the items in the cabinet before approaching my door, opening it, “come in,” once again putting a forced smile on my face. hiding the mental anguish that still lingered on. Lilim stepped inside, sitting to the nearest available chair she can find.
Doing the same, I began to start the conversation, “is there anything you need, Lilim?” Politely asking her to tell me about what she has in mind.
She uneasily looked down on the floor, twirling her fingers nervously, “is there anything bothering you, dad?” Lilim’s voice was like ice; cold to the touch. She seemed nervous and anxious about my well-being.
I hate doing this, but I have to lie to keep her happy and not worried over me, “oh, nothing, it is fine.” Giving her a fake smile, “I’m fine, really. Why are you here?” It appears the choice of leaving was not possible for either of us.
My daughter finally gave in to what she wanted to say, stopping her fidgeting as she raised her head to looked at me, staring straight to my eyes, “father…I know that something is bothering you and I desperately want to know what it is. Please tell me!” This made me stopped smiling, my own body slightly tremble for a bit in having to tell her the truth. To be honest, it is like taking a sharp blade and stab myself, or worse, the most painful thing that can ever happen to someone is to have their own child point out my weaknesses.
If only I could turn back time and not told her anything, but unfortunately, it is too late now
With a loud sigh, I explained, “I suffer from constant nightmares of my past, the voices that sometimes remind me of my past—all these things make me feel very uneasy. They haunt me day and night, tormenting me with the memories of the past,” it even hurts to properly look at her.
Silence filled the room; not that there wasn’t any sound like the rustling of paper or creaking of wood, but there is no voice to accompany such noise. Lilim simply stared at me in utter disbelief as tears formed on her cheeks.
She stood up and rushed towards me before giving me a hug, “it’s okay dad! You have me and everyone in this house, you don’t need to fight this alone. Trust on your friends and family to help you get through this and to overcome this battle!” Lilim’s voice became muffled in my shoulder as she spoke to me, a silent tear rolling down the side of her face.
I am not alone, I am not alone, I am not alone, I am not alone, I am not alone, I am not alone, I am not alone, I am not alone…My daughter is right, I have to remind myself continuously that I am never alone, not until death. A small glimmer of light flickers inside me; the strength to carry on is all that is needed.
With a deep breath, I felt like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders—no longer burdened by the past.
When her affectionate embrace is done, she went back to the door before turning around with an adorable smile, “don’t forget dad, mom loves you very much and so does everyone else.” She turned to leave, but paused, “and one last thing dad?” Her head bowed down in thought. “If there is anything that we can do to help you, please don’t hesitate to ask us.”
Closing my eyes, I return the smile, “yeah, sure. Thank you my daughter.”
