I feel the world shattered between my vision. All sense of existence has been lost. It feels like my mind is being pulled apart and sucked into some dark void. Like I am being ripped off from my own body and thrown away to somewhere else.
It does not matter anymore after she had finished with me, all my attention was running away from the house, the village, anywhere that is safe as I escaped her grasp, sprinting down the stairs and onto the door, leaving the house behind. Bursting outside, the sun shone brightly in front of me, blinding my eyes. Everything was so bright, even the light hurt my sensitive eyes. In an instant, I felt myself lose consciousness from the distressing event that made me lose who I was.
No, I refuse to blackout again; not this time. Not ever again.
With no time to spare, I forced myself to run across the cold snowy environment, forgetting the part that I do not have my clothes on, feeling the fingers and toes numb from the freezing temperature. Yet, it did not matter now because Lilith would be coming to get me.
“I have to get away, I have to get away, I have to get away!” Over and over as my thoughts raced faster than my legs could move forward. My breath became ragged and short, but I still pushed on despite how hard it was to breathe. Every step, every footfall echoed through the snow-covered land in a rhythmical pattern, making the world appear alive with its own music of crunching underfoot.
The closer I got towards the village center, the more nervous I became, as if there was something that was going to happen in the next few moments.
My perception of reality is distorting and shifting, everything around me appears surreal. The way people behave, the sights, sounds, smells, taste, even the air itself. All of them are nothing more than muddled memories. And the worst thing about all this confusion, was that I am unable to make sense out of anything in my life other than the terrifying experience I had to endure.
Despite my distorted view on the world, no one was present around me; likely because it is very early in the morning when everyone should be sleeping soundly. This gave me some comfort knowing they will not look at my condition, seeing me as the loser and monster that my father always told me I was. With his words ringing into my head like a broken record, the idea of him being right only adds to myself-loathing as well as shame for what he has done to me.
As I entered the center of the village, I saw two familiar distorted figures that I recognize, Bobby and Alice. Even with my messed up perception, I am still able to tell who they are by their appearance. It was clear enough now why they were standing together, talking about amongst themselves.
However, when Alice turned to look at me; her face became horrified, causing her brother to look in my direction also. I am unable to tell what they are thinking of my current appearance, Bobby on the other hand were calling my name.
His tone was not angry or fearful, it was different this time. Bobby’s calls sound more…worried about my well-being. “Adam!” He called out loudly, chanting the name to get my attention with his voice alone. His words echoed through the empty streets, but it did little to help.
Does not matter anymore, nothing matters! All I can imagine is getting away from everything! Yes, I need to leave this cruel and dark world!
Then a idea came to mind…death. I remember the time whenever I close my eyes, the sweet and comforting darkness of the stars in the night sky engulfs my sight. Death is the only escape for me, death is freedom from all these painful memories and pain I have to endure.
I need to go to the snowy forest near this village and then to the mountain cliff. When I reach the cliff, I know what I need to do.
Sprinting to the other side, where the direction of the forest might be. The sound of Bobby and Alice calling my name had slowly faded away, running off into the distance. Soon as I reached the edge of the woods, I immediately took cover behind a tree trunk while listening for anyone approaching. In the silence that followed, I knew no one was coming after me.
“Pathetic,” the voice of my father returned to haunt me and remind me of how he betrayed me. My head feels like it is going to burst open because of all the thoughts inside my brain trying to make sense in the chaos.
His not real, his not real! Snap out of it Adam!
“But you are right Adam, the world is such cruel and dark place…”
The voice resonates in my ears, but it does nothing to stop the voice from torturing me. The voices continue calling my name over and over again until I almost lost track of time, “I NEED TO GET AWAY!” Screaming myself hoarse is not helping either, out of nowhere, the sound of someone cackling comes to my attention.
I turn to the source, immediately from my hysterical mind to pure terror of seeing her again. She was nude, blood covering every inch of her body, standing menacingly with a evil smile on her face. Even with how distorted the world is in my perception, Lilith form is perfect and normal, staring down at me from the distance like a cannibalistic predator who wants to feast upon me.
My knees weak, I could barely stand under her unnerving gaze; so much fear fills up my entire being, causing my legs to buckle. As if she was reading my mind, Lilith’s voice filled with sinister intent returns into my ear.
“Run and hide little Adam, but no matter how far you go; I will always find you.” Her voice had a strange tone of pleasure in it, enjoying herself in watching me suffer. It was though, just by having me alone in this world makes her satisfied. “As long as you exist in this cruel world, I am sure to follow,” she says, before vanishing off into the distance without another word.
“AHHHHH!!”
Pure, imaginary terror and grief left my mouth with all its might, screaming in agony. The scream appeared to echo in my mind, telling me to die so I could be free from the pain and suffering that plagued me for all my life.
Having nothing else to lose, I continued on running to the mountain cliff as fast as possible; my body shivering, muscles tense. But still, Lilith was everywhere around me, haunting my every step while calling out my name in her disturbing cackle.
The woods rapidly disappear, seeing a clear sight of the cliff from front of my eyes. From here, I knew where I needed to go, if my mind guided me to the right direction. Yet, my heart was pounding so hard and loud in my chest, it felt like someone was strangling me.
“Die Adam, Die die before she gets you! Die, ha ha ha!” Father’s taunting voice echoes in my head as he laughs at his own joke. His cruel laughter is more terrifying than anything else. I wanted to punch him in the face, to slap away all those words and insults coming from his lips, but there was only one way to do that now.
I need to jump.
After a couple of miles running, I finally reached the edge of the snow mountain cliff, looking down to see many dead trees.
This is it, I thought. This is where I will end my life. “Home…” I muttered to myself, reminding me about lose feeling that I have in this world; being an outcast and a loner. Not belonging anywhere or having any friends. Just me and the loneliness that had plagued me since birth.
Home, death is where I consider to be home now. For the past years, I have been obeying people above me, trying to find some sense of purpose in my meaningless existence. But no matter how far I went as long as I could remember back then, it all ended up with me always returning to this very same place.
I cried, raising my arms into the air and screaming as loudly as I could until my lungs were on fire. Tears poured down my cheeks, staining the snow-white cliffs below my feet. My hands trembled and the shaking grew worse when I realized what I was going to do next.
A Sad smile grew across my face, despite knowing the pain of ending my life would be beyond excruciating. There was nothing left for me here. Nothing. And that realization made me happy because I finally found something worth living for by leaving this nightmare of a world I called life.
As I let my body inch forward to drop onto the far below of where I am standing, I was grabbed by Bobby and Alice; both pulling me away from the edge, screaming at me not to jump. I did not listen though, refusing their plea to stop.
“LET ME GO! I WANT TO DIE!” I screamed, but it did little good. The siblings continued holding me tight against them, preventing me from jumping off this cliff that is almost three hundred feet high. They are so afraid and worried for my safety. They were concerned if I fall to my death.
Then the voice of Bobby spoke, his sympathetic tone filling my ears. “Adam! We forgive you.” He said with tears forming in the corners of his eyes. “We understand your anger. You do not have to leave us. Let us make a new start in our friendship, okay?”
Forgiveness? He, no, these siblings forgive me? It is hard for me to believe they actually care about me after what I have done to them. Or perhaps he was just saying those words as an act of kindness to calm me down and prevent me from doing anything rash or dangerous like suicide.
“WHY? WHY WON’T YOU GUYS LET ME DIE?!” I shouted out of frustration, not caring who could hear my outburst. In truth, the answer to that question is simple. No one will mourn over me. I would be gone without anyone even noticing.
Then the voice of Alice chimed in, sniveling at me with distress, “because…we are your friends.” She sobbed. Then she went on, “Because we care for you Adam. We always have and we always will.” The siblings held each other close to me, both crying softly while trying to reassure me. “I am sorry,” Bobby apologized, wiping away his tears with a handkerchief.
Hearing the words of ‘friends’ rapidly repaired my distorted perception of reality. They are all right here together, holding onto me, being afraid that I might disappear into thin air. And they truly meant it when they said they cared for me, so much that they forgive transgressions.
“I am sorry everyone…” I sobbingly replied to the pair, embracing them both while holding them with my arms. “I am so sorry…” I continued weeping and apologizing, tears falling from my eyes. But I felt a sense of peace wash over me because these two genuinely care about me. That was enough for me to want to live again, to survive.
The three of us cried altogether, hugging each other, comforting one another. Even though Bobby and Alice were still scared by what had happened from this moment, their fear and worry had subsided thanks to how understanding they are towards me. I could feel the warmth inside me that made me realize why I need to stay alive.
After a few minutes past, we let go of each other, composing ourselves from what had just transpired. After everything was calmed down, Bobby looked at me with a concerned expression on his face. He gently placed a hand upon my shoulder, stared deeply into my eyes. “Adam,” he began, his voice quiet and gentle, almost like wise old man speaking to someone.
“Don’t you ever do something that stupid again!” He sternly commanded as if I were a child, even though I were the same age. I can understand where he is coming from but…his wrong. I know what I did was unforgivable, selfish and reckless, but there are times when I cannot control myself or my emotions.
“Yeah, don’t that again dummy!” Alice added, nodding her head in agreement with him. Both siblings stare at me expectantly, waiting for an answer. It was too late to retract anything I had done. They need to know exactly what made me want to commit suicide.
Alice finally spoke up after a brief silence between us, “we care for you Adam.” She then continued saying, “and we will forgive you for your mistakes because we are friends. So please tell us why you did it?” There was no hesitation in either of them. No second thoughts. Just straight forward honesty. Those words brought tears to my eyes once more, taking a deep breath before speaking.
“I did not do this on purpose…”
The siblings rose their eyebrows, suspicion and worry filling them both. “What happened?” Bobby sternly asked, looking me dead in the eye. The pair looked at each other, sharing the same thought.
“Well I-” When I opened my mouth to speak about her and what she did, I was unable to say anything else. Instead, all I could do was blink away my tears while holding back my sobs. My throat felt like it was swelling shut, threatening to choke me out. But still, I managed to force some words through my lips as they burned to be released from my heart.
“Sheeeee..shee…she..” It is too much, too painful to say aloud. To talk about what Lilith did to me. When the siblings saw my troubling expression, they understood that something terrible had transpired of casing me to lose such control over myself. As if on cue, Alice put her hands around my arm, attempting to comfort me. In response, Bobby did likewise, his own hand resting upon my shoulder.
“You do not have to explain it to us,” Bobby said kindly, not trying to push me into talking further. “We know you are hurting.” He then went on, “but we also know that whatever happened that made you like, we will always have your back. You can trust us with anything, okay?”
I nodded, swallowing down the pain in my throat and eyes before asking another question. It was a simple one but important nonetheless. “So what now?” I asked, forcing myself to look at him straight in the eye.
Then a sigh escaped his lips as he turned to face me. His gaze was distant, lost. Like something was eating away inside of him. For a moment, there was silence between us again. And just when it appeared like nothing would happen next, Bobby spoke up, saying simply, “you need to wear some clothes.”
