“Adam! Why the fuck were you out in the bloody blizzard, you little bastard!”
Father smacked me with his leather belt across my face. I fell on the floor as blood dripped down onto the wooden floor, creating a loud thud on impact. “Why did not you tell me about this, you stupid boy?! You are so useless, it is like talking to a brick wall.”
My body lay on the ground with tears streaming down from my eyes, as the frostbite still lingered on my skin. “Because, I was..” I do not know anymore nor do I remember what happened. All I can reminisce was carrying the dead puppy and walking aimlessly before I lost consciousness.
“Come on! Say something or else I will beat the hell out of you again, understand?”
I wiped the tears off my cheek and looked up at the man. My heart felt cold inside as he stared back at me with an angry expression, holding a bottle and leather belt from either hands. Ready to strike me with that belt if I dare to speak another word that angers him.
“I…was taking a walk,” I said with uncertainty, feeling scared to death.
“Taking a fucking walk? What the fuck is that supposed to mean, you little brat? Are you trying to be funny or just plain stupid? You walk out the fucking house into the blizzard with that stupid dead puppy you were carrying! You are very lucky that I found you and threw that dead mutt away instead. Now get up and bring me some food!”
He grabbed my hair, forcing me to stand with my shaky legs, “you better look straight at my eyes boy! If you ever disobey me again, you will be beaten until you are half-dead, understood?” His voice carried a tone of anger and frustration. He then gave a hard tug on my hair, almost causing me to fall on my knees.
“Yes, father,” I whimpered, shaking in fear from the thought of being punished much worse than usual. Father walked over to the fireplace, tossing a log on the fire before turning to me, his expression mixed with annoyance, “go fucking make a sandwich in the kitchen and give me another liquor boy!”
I stood frozen in place, staring at the flames in the hearth as they danced and flickered, forgetting what my father’s orders for now. Realizing that I did not pay attention to him, he immediately got angry once again, creating loud thuds as he approached me before using his empty bottle to strike me on the side of the head.
“Ah?!” I fell on the floor, dazed by the blow with crimson blood trickling down the corner of my forehead. My vision blurred as I struggled to keep myself conscious.
“GET THE FUCK UP AND MAKE ME SANDWICH YOU SHIT!”
It was too painful and hazy to the point that I deeply wanted to return into the deep abyss of darkness, where no one could find and hurt me anymore. But as soon as I tried to close my eyes, the next moment, he struck me on my back with the leather belt, sending a sharp pain across my entire skin.
“DO YOU HEAR ME? GET UP AND MOVE YOUR ASS, NOW!”
“Aaahhhhhhhh!!!” I cried in agony from the pain, it was unbearable! I want to give up and die just to escape this hellish life of mine.
“I SAID, MOVE YOUR ASS, NOW!”
Father then kicked on my back, sending a shockwave of intense pain throughout the rest of the body. Knowing that he would not let me die and preferable wants to prolong my suffering until I gave in with his commands, I had no choice but to comply as with all my will, my lips opened “yes sir.”
“THEN HURRY UP!” Father hurriedly walked near the fireplace, sitting on his chair as his fat body shook with laughter. “You are so pathetic, just like your dead mother. You do not know how to do anything right. All you do is cry and whine about everything. It is disgusting,” he said while laughing at his own joke.
I ignored his joke, focusing on the subject instead of his harsh treatment towards me as I tried to get up, more pain in my back and head. This is more difficult than ever. Seeing there is no time to rest, I have no choice but to crawl my way into the kitchen, crawling on the ground while trying to ignore the pain and feeling of dirtiness. With every movement closer to the refrigerator, the smell of rotten food and mold filled my nostrils.
“I’m hungry…”
“WHAT THE HELL YOU SAY?!”
My throat felt dry after hearing his reaction. I realized that father was listening to me! “Nothing, father!” I quickly answered, feeling the dread of his wrath.
“THEN GO GET MY FOOD!”
Silently obeying his command, I crawled towards the refrigerator from a few meters away from me, inevitably reaching it as I attempted to use one of my arms to grab the door handle. After a few tries, I managed to open the door, but unfortunately, my assumption was correct.
“Their rotten…” My quiet whisper echoed as I looked at the inside of the refrigerator, seeing nothing but empty shelves with rotten meat and vegetables scattered around it. I do not want to believe this, the reality in front of me was not illusion or false hallucination…this is real and there is no way out of this.
“WHAT IS TAKING SO FUCKING LONG?!”
Hearing my father’s voice echo from the living room, I know what I need to do before things get worse, “almost done father!” I quickly two rotten plain of bread from the refrigerator, placing rotten bacon and pieces of cabbages as I placed it between the two breads, creating a sandwich.
“OKAY THAT’S IT! IF YOU DO NOT COME HERE FOR TEN SECONDS, I WILL COME THERE AND PUT BOILING WATER ON YOUR BACK!”
Oh..oh no, please anything but that! The image of burning hot water poured on my skin, painfully burning the flesh off my back, causing me to wince in fear of the thought. “I am coming father!” I shouted in a hoarse voice, forcing myself to crawl faster back into the room where my father was in.
As soon as I entered the room, father was not sitting on his broken chair near the fireplace, impatiently looking at me with disgust all over his face, “hurry, you are taking too long Adam.” He said in a cold tone.
Nodding, I continued crawling faster than before, wincing the increasing pain in my back and head. “Sorry for the delay father.” I replied while holding the sandwich in one of my hands.
“Give me that!” He ordered again, snatching the sandwich in a single move as he took it with his hand. Father grumbled as he chewed his half of the sandwich, munching it with frown expression. For every moment of taking each bites on the sandwich, my boiling anxiety and dread of the situation kept growing stronger and stronger.
Father sighed after finishing his half of the sandwich and licked his fingers clean. “Now where is my drink?” He turned his head on me, expecting me to be holding one of his liquor bottles.
“Sorry father, but I…forgot about it,” I answered truthfully, fear and guilt of forgetting something important in such a situation. As I focused my eyes towards him, his face shifted to a serious expression, “You forgot, didn’t you?! You fucking idiot, you know what happens when you make mistakes?!”
No no no no! “Father! Please! It-it was a mistake, I swear! I promise, I will bring your drink right now, just give me another minute to fetch-“
“DO NOT FUCKING MOVE! I AM GOING KICK YOU IN THE HEAD!” With a sudden swift movement, he suddenly stood up from the ground, his hands clenched tightly in fists.
“Father-!” Before I could finish the word, he swung his fist forward, striking directly onto the side of my shoulder. I continued making excuses as he kept punching and kicking at me as he shouted angrily, “you are so stupid! How dare you forget a simple thing like this, how could you be so dumb?! Why do I always need to remind you things every day, why won’t you listen to me for once in your GODDAM USELESS LIFE?!”
From every punch and kick, blood spills out of my mouth as the bones of my arm and legs crack and break. My vision became blurry and distorted as I felt the air slowly escaping from the hole in the front of my throat.
I fell unconscious, darkness started to consume me as the beating stopped for a couple of seconds. The abyss begin to once again swallow me where the only comfort left is the silence. But as soon as I closed my eyes, to finally allow the sweet release of death that would set me free from all this suffering, I awoke with unimaginable pain from my back.
“AHHHH!” I screamed, louder and longer than usual. There are sharp pains shooting down my spine and across my shoulders while my entire body feels numb and stiff. Even the slightest movements caused excruciating agony throughout my whole body.
“Its painful? RIGHT?!” Father was holding a hot kettle, pouring boiling water all over the back of my skin. I cannot hold it anymore as despite the head and back injuries, I screamed in pain from the over-growing agony that I have to experience everyday with my father.
Pain..extreme pain that is so unbearable that it could cause permanent damage.
“A-a-ahhhhhh!!!”
Agony…unbearable pain that pierced straight into my soul. Every second, it starts with a slight sting of burning sensation on my neck and then it spreads on to my back as the feeling grows more intense. The skin falling off and exposing the muscle underneath.
The searing heat that scorched my flesh, causing it to be peeled away.
As the burning, stinging and agonizing sensations continue to grow worse as my flesh is being pulled apart by this powerful force that continues to tear my muscles and veins with each passing moment.
My mind is screaming in pure terror and fear.
But it is too late. I feel myself losing consciousness as the fire burns deeper and deeper, reaching the center of my very being. Then it stopped, the feeling of having boiling water being poured down on my exposed back had finally ended.
“This is your punishment Adam, you ungrateful son!” Father’s voice echoed in my ears, his tone cold and emotionless as he continued his lecture. “Tell me Adam, can you still even look at my eyes with that pitiful form of yours?”
“Nnn…” The words could not properly come out of my lips as the tears streamed down from the pain he is feeling right now. Father then raised his arm and slapped me hard on my head.
“You know why, do you not Adam?” Father said, his voice filled with rage while his expression remained unchanged. “Because of the sins and crimes you did to us, to our family.”
“F-f…fa..family..?” I could not say anything else as the word escaped from my mouth.
“Yes, the bond of the family that we once shared. You destroyed it, Adam. When my wife was still alive, life was simple and easy. We were happy, but then, everything changed. Everything because of you, Adam! Because of YOU, everything fell apart and died. Now, it is just like how it was before, just a corpse lying in front of me!”
With all my strength, I raised my head to look at him, straight at his anger and frustrated face. I did not say nor do anything, just stared at my father who blamed me for the life he had given me.
“S..s..sor..sorry..” The broken voice that came out of my throat, sounded nothing but pathetic and weak. I understand, truly understood that this was why he became like this. Father’s hand grabbed the collar on my shirt, yanking it up and throwing it on a nearby couch.
“Go rest, son. As much I want to kill you, you are much as useful to me when you are alive. So, don’t die you worthless brat, or I will really be pissed off. Understood?”
Father turned his gaze away from mine as he walked in the kitchen, leaving my sight as I left a sigh of relief, letting my mind wander into the darkness.
I did not die, but still, he almost killed me. He almost killed me, and he is still killing me with these torment. Yet as much I want to run away or die to escape this madness…
He is all I have.
