every so often i get so focused on one project that i lose sight of all else
for 2 weeks now i've examined that spell from every angle and picked it apart to understand why it did what it did when it did and how
with help from my friends i now have ... enough of an answer to work out the rest
but not before testing everyone's patience
medya did try to tell me that my mood was sour and that i looked tired even early in the day but i insisted i'd be fine once i figured it out
bell couldn't find anything wrong with my work or my casting
zer' suggested an emotional aspect to the magic and he was correct! but it didn't seem to make sense so i kept thinking right past it
this morning i was in such a state that vedim wouldn't let me into the svestjarb' – "whatever it is walk it off"
i know better than to argue with him and the fact that i wanted to proved his point
i stomped off into the forest biting the sky – shouting at nobody but mostly myself
medya followed soon after and that wonderful and patient gryphon held me close while i bawled about the frustration of being unable to work it out and unable to put it down
disgust as my composure crumbled more with every moment
fear of losing control of my magic or myself and causing harm
fatigue from travel and growing responsibility
shame
... anger!
the weight was too much and the noise was so loud and i needed it all to stop
i cast once more and nearly blacked out
for a moment i thought medya's squawk meant i'd accidentally hit both of us but she was only startled
the spell worked! and it was unpleasant!
i felt like i'd galloped from teryk with an overfull pack and no sleep then been tackled by a bear
i tried to explain but i was so scrambled that what came out sounded more like "did i fell on top of self?"
we both burst out laughing and then we kept laughing just for the sweet relief of it and we frolicked our way back to the group
i was brief but i did take the time to thank everyone for their patience and apologize for the trouble
once in the carriage i wrote a single-line note – the words i screamed at sykes – then slept until lunch
i usually go with less poetic names for spells but this is different so "weight of the world" it is
now that i know what went into it i know what direction to work in
and now having written this i feel another nap coming on