Seirixori Iscitan
Seirixori
Seirixori is a tiefling with celestial heritage, an Ardabaji moon druid of Mielikki.
Physical Description
General Physical Condition
Healthy, Clumsy AF, Borderline too thin.
Body Features
She pink. It tastes like pink! and has a tail and some horns. Y'know. Normal stuff.
Facial Features
Sharp teeth
Identifying Characteristics
A couple eyebrow piercings, several piercings on her ears, left horn is broken.
Physical quirks
Left handed, a little meek (curls in on herself a lot if she has attention she's not expecting/wanting)
Special abilities
Wild Shape is her favorite thing.
Apparel & Accessories
Flower she now keeps in her hair from Takara, the bow she keeps from her mother on her back is totally an accessory because she can't use it (she is fucking terrible with it), she wears the Frostbeard crest around her neck. Leather bracers with intricate design given to her by Mielikki.
Specialized Equipment
Cloak of Protection
Mental characteristics
Personal history
Lived 16 years with her mother and some other Ardabaji nomads until some bandits came and killed everyone except her mother and a dragonborn (maybe). After nearly dying she was taken in by Mielikki - the goddess that resides in the Limabey forest and watches over the druids and rangers. She spent the next four years slowly learning the ways of the druid and how to survive on her own better.
She tilts her head, thinking, "I... No. Not quite. It's... it's hard to say because of how often I ended up isolating myself. And it wasn't just humans," Her eyes start to get a little watery, "I thought everything was fine until I was eight. They didn't stop me from being there but the second something happened... it wasn't even the guards that did anything to me. But they also didn't stop it.
"Later... well, you know, I'd think normally if you find 28 dead people on the side of the road you'd question it. Look for who did it. All that stuff." She sighs heavily and looks back to the sky, "That didn't happen either, they were left there, ignored. If... if I ever went into town most of the time I wasn't even allowed into places." She laughs, "Believe it or not, I've been arrested a few times. Which... honestly just meant them kicking me out of wherever I was... just because people knew they could do something wrong and blame it on me."
"Even with the druids... they could pick on me, yell at me, bully me, everything, and nothing was done to stop it. So long as no one legitimately tried to kill me, or do serious damage, it was kind of a free-for-all. Or at least it felt that way." She looks back at Gunnloda, "So, while it isn't quite the same... I always understood it could be worse, and I believed Ryleigh when she told me how bad it was... how I needed to act. Even when seeing it, I still don't think the others really understand and I just... I don't get it. I don't get how they don't understand how bad this is."
Background References
In Session0103, Gunnloda asks Seirixori if Ascus is what Ardabeh is like. (4:07)She tilts her head, thinking, "I... No. Not quite. It's... it's hard to say because of how often I ended up isolating myself. And it wasn't just humans," Her eyes start to get a little watery, "I thought everything was fine until I was eight. They didn't stop me from being there but the second something happened... it wasn't even the guards that did anything to me. But they also didn't stop it.
"Later... well, you know, I'd think normally if you find 28 dead people on the side of the road you'd question it. Look for who did it. All that stuff." She sighs heavily and looks back to the sky, "That didn't happen either, they were left there, ignored. If... if I ever went into town most of the time I wasn't even allowed into places." She laughs, "Believe it or not, I've been arrested a few times. Which... honestly just meant them kicking me out of wherever I was... just because people knew they could do something wrong and blame it on me."
"Even with the druids... they could pick on me, yell at me, bully me, everything, and nothing was done to stop it. So long as no one legitimately tried to kill me, or do serious damage, it was kind of a free-for-all. Or at least it felt that way." She looks back at Gunnloda, "So, while it isn't quite the same... I always understood it could be worse, and I believed Ryleigh when she told me how bad it was... how I needed to act. Even when seeing it, I still don't think the others really understand and I just... I don't get it. I don't get how they don't understand how bad this is."
Gender Identity
Cis woman
Sexuality
Polyamorous Grayromantic Graysexual Lesbian
Uncomfortable when men appear attracted to her, as seen when she charmed the shopkeep in Serinar
She encouraged Gunnloda to repair her romantic relationship with Kendall, explaining that there is a healthy way to love more than one person. She regularly says that Gunnloda is the first person she's ever loved.
Education
YOU MEAN THERE'S A WHOLE BUILDING FILLED WITH BOOKS!?
Whatever her nomadic family and mother(s) taught her. ... and like 1 druid.
Mental Trauma
Undead freak her the fuck out because she was trapped (wrapped in) a tent with someone she knew who was killed for several hours, as well as some druids in training using her dead nomadic family to scare her.
Can't stand the sound (and maybe the feeling) of having her horns filed because of when hers was broken when she was 8.
Personality Characteristics
Motivation
To find her mother and find the mercenaries who killed her family.
Savvies & Ineptitudes
Bad at almost everything... except getting out of tight situations.
Likes & Dislikes
Loves the animals and her wife. Really hates people who kill innocents. Or who use their status to treat people terribly.
She hates wearing clothes and armor and will take any opportunity to not have them on.
Mornings are evil.
Vices & Personality flaws
Impatient. Does not forgive easily, nor forgets if you've wronged her in some way.
She has a tendency to shift into animal form when she's angry. It hadn't happened in a while, but nearly got away from her in Ascus. (8:19)
Personality Quirks
Fidgets with anything and everything when she's nervous or unsure.
Social
Family Ties
Affyria Iscitan
Religious Views
Insert shrug emoji here
Social Aptitude
Smart ass that doesn't like crowded areas. She exhibits some neurodivergent traits.
"I can't focus when there's too many people around and I don't know how to sort out all the noise" (0103 7:34)
Hobbies & Pets
She plays the flute, it helps calm her.
In Session0100, she tells Arkrus that her best friend as a kid was a goat named Penelope.
Speech
Technically Turkish accent but I don't know how to type that out so
And she rambles and will keep talking and say 50 things before she realizes that she should have stopped ages ago.
Relationships
History
Seir was hesitant at first to like Ry, mainly due to her being human. There were times early on where she didn’t think Ryleigh cared about her as much as she cared about Ryleigh. Now Ry is in that small circle of people that Seir cares about the most.
Nicknames & Petnames
homashoc (cherished one), na'auiy noaroaca
Relationship Reasoning
Ryleigh is protective of Seirixori.
Shared Secrets
Gunnloda Frostbeard 's aura
Shared Acquaintances
Shared Acquaintances
History
From all Seir knew, she was just a goddess in the forest who found her and saved her from starving to death and eventually taught her some druid things. Mielikki also let Seir sit with her in her grove. Seir would end up just talking a lot, either to Mielikki or Findarris or stay quiet and enjoy the break from the hate from the other druids.
Shared Acquaintances
Takara Affyria Iscitan
History
Didn’t like her at first, wasn’t a fan of the flirting but Bri’s looked out for her anyway and Seir is grateful for that… and she isn’t as wishy-washy with ‘friendship’ with Seirixori as the others are.
History
WHO CARES IF SEIR STOLE HIM TECHNICALLY STOOL IS GREAT AND SHE LOVES THEM AND THEY’RE ADORABLE
Wealth & Financial state
She never really had money before, and isn't entirely sure what to do with it, but it's getting her a fancy hat and that's all that matters right now.
Associations
Dawnguard, Mielikki, Ardabeh druids Married to Gunnloda Queerplatonic partnership with Ryleigh
Ethnicity
Birthplace
Limabey Forest
Spouses
Siblings
Children
Current Residence
Riverrun
Gender
Female
Eyes
Silver
Hair
Long, two braids, dark purple
Skin Tone/Pigmentation
Pink
Height
5'8
Weight
Slim
Quotes & Catchphrases
"Druids live for a very long time."
Aligned Organization
Related Plots
Sessions
Session0001, Session0003, Session0004, Session0005, Session0007, Session0008, Session0009 Session0098, Session0099, Session0100, Session0101, Session0102, Session0103, Session0104, Session0105, Session0106, Session0107, Session0108, Session0109, Session0110, Session0111
Head Space
I thought she-- I don't know, I thought maybe she didn't really like me. I know what I've said before and thinking she was just some aloof pers--Goddess. But of course there was a part of me that thought she just didn't really like me, even after finding out she's my mother.
I keep calling her that. Mother. She hasn't been one in many senses of the word-- and now I know why. But... I can't, I can't get any hopes I had up that she'd be any different. It would hurt too much and I don't know how much more of that I can handle. Not right now. Not when... not when Ryleigh and I are...
Are we fighting? I'm... I said I was angry, but I'm not. I--
It hurts.
I don't even know if she understands exactly. I do know what she was trying to do but that didn't stop it from hurting. She told me not to take it out on her and she was talking about the anger I have for Unastine. But that wasn't why I wasn't talking to her, why I seemed angry...
I AM angry at Unastine. I am so-- I've shoved it so far back in my mind because there's other shit to deal with-- the harm she's done to--
I wasn't talking to her because I know I've been taking it out on her whenever I'm hurting, whenever I'm angry. So I-- I tried not to. I tried not to and she--.
I thought-- I thought she wouldn't push me away. I thought I'd gotten- I thought we had gotten past that. So wh-what am I supposed to do?
I can't just leave her alone
I don't know what to do.
About any of this.
Unastine really? What right does she-- did she have to do that? I never even thought about the fact that no one else progressed. Why would I? I was gone a lot... I stayed away from them.. I didn't notice... how could I not notice?
And ME to-- to teach them???
I can't, there's no way. Even if-- they hate me.
I don't know anything about Mielikki. Nothing.
And even if I did... Gunnloda...
I can't just... I don't know she couldn't stay in the druid circle. I'd have to tell Mielikki about her. Wouldn't I?
I want to but there's no guarantee she won't... she won't do something about it. We might need to tell the others soon...
Gunnloda has said time and time again she goes where I go... she'd stay somewhere out in the woods if I asked her to.
Will she... will she-- will we get to have that?
Will I get to-- will I get to be with her for that long?
Or-- no. No. She said now to-- and Takara said-- It's fine. I have now. That's-- that's fine.
Forget Me Not
When I found my Mama... I was already expecting bad things. It's kind of how things have been going, you know? Small good thing, pretty big bad thing.
She had no idea who I was.
Thought I was an imposter...
She said things... she said things she would have never said to me.
Then I find out my wife...
Gunnloda will forget me.
And now Ryleigh...
Dawnbringer said it's probably temporary.
It's... it's nice seeing her so... carefree? But at the same time... she doesn't... I know she lost her family and that's part of her sadness but I'd rather her remember them. She's always mentioned the good times with them and not remmebering that...
And here I thought having to watch them all die was going to be the worst thing.
Fear
I told Ryleigh I was afraid to follow those guys... She said she was too but...
I know she didn't get what I meant.
She told me it didn't feel good when she killed that guy, when she essentially tortured him. Killed others...
She was afraid I think because she was so close to dying... but she was still ready to go, for me.
I...
I was--am afraid because I didn't feel anything when I did those things to the bandit king. He was dead already, sure, but...
I don't know, does feeling empty count as an actual feeling?
And the people... I was afraid to follow them because
Because I'm afraid of what I would have done...
Of what I wanted to do.
How do I stop this?
That... totally went well.
Tried talking to Gunnloda this morning about her drinking so much...
I don't know if it did anything... besides making me feel real stupid for asking.
I know she won't leave, I know.
But every time, every time I want to bring something up that might be "bad", or something similar that Kendall did, there's this little voice that keeps telling me she's going to leave again. That I am going to fuck up and she'll just be gone and I won't be able to get her back.
And she knows I'm afraid of that... threw it right back in my face, like what I was saying was the most ridiculous thing. Like I was the problem.
She apologized...
She did... but it hurt just as bad as when my mama told me my horns were ridiculous.
The only difference is my mama doesn't remember who I--
Gunnloda won't remember who I am either...
That doesn't mean I should forgive her so easily, but...
How do I stop being so afraid to talk to her? Stop being so afraid to 'mess' up?
I wish I wasn't so afraid of losing people.
Goddess, I tell the others all the time to just do shit and I can't do any of it myself. This is exactly why I said Kendall and Gunnloda have to talk stuff out first and yet here I am, doing the same fucking thing.
Such a fucking useless idiot.
Fuck Everything
I fucked up again.
I saw it, that fucking huge ass thing, and I panicked and instead of asking my water friends to get Danai to safety first I just... reacted and moved the boat.
And then I don't see her or Nysa and not a few seconds later that asshole comes exploding out of the water with, according to Ryleigh, a very dead Danai.
I don't know what I would have done had Gunnloda not been there.
And then I just let her fend for herself and didn't help her out of the water at all.
Like I never lived with or befriended a blind person for fucking sixteen years before.
I'm so fucking stupid, I could have made it so that flying piece of shit no longer could fly, and did I do that? No of course not, that would have to mean I'm actually a smart person.
This whole entire fucking day points to me being abso-fucking-lutely not one.
Maybe that's another thing to thank Gunnloda for, Takara or Mielikki can't see that I'm fucking everything up, so at least someone doesn't see it.
Also, fuck you Ryleigh. You're going to come over here and start talking to me and I won't stay mad because being mad at you is just like being mad at Gunnloda and that hurts too much and I don't like it, but for at least a few more minutes I'm going to be mad at you.
I hope Danai will let me apologize...
Dragons, Temples, and Exes oh my
So
…
Went on a boat, first time without drowning. Swimming was fun and kind of relaxing considering…
Ran into a fucking dragon, Ryleigh did not do well with it…
Dragons are so pretty though, I wish I could see one and not have it try to kill us.
I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned that I hate that fucking gun Nolanos has…
I really fucking hate it
It’s too loud. I don’t… I really don’t understand— and I feel like it’s just useless to say anything because what good has it done?
I messed up a lot too.
I knew there was something wrong with that floor but Nolanos… and then Ryleigh… fuck why didn’t I just tell them to step over it? I even through that rock on it and it would have been my fault.
I knew that fucking tree wasn’t just a tree, I should have used the moonbeam on it like I was thinking.
And then I just wasted my shifting because I wanted to look like that tiger in the room and… Ravaphine I think saved us. I really had nothing to help with Cidro. Nothing. Just hitting him with a stick and we all know how good I am at that.
All because this…
I just keep running past conversations in my head and I…
I feel so stupid
Is she really…
But why would I even think, why would that even cross my mind?
I thought she just…
I don’t know, I thought she just wanted something.
Does she not want me to know?
Should I even ask Takara?
Should I just ask her about Gunnloda? To see if she wants to see my wife? I— Is that what she meant when—
So many things sounded weird but I just didn’t question them, I just kept ignoring them and letting them go…
We’re out here trying to get Ravaphine’s mom out of jail, Brimeia has some weird ass shit going on that I know is the same as before and I can’t even focus on any of it. I told Ryleigh to deal with it later because I want to deal with everything later.
I think it helped that we really needed to find a way out fast…
Why wouldn’t she tell me
She let them…
But she…
I felt so alone but she always let me…
I thought I was bothering her.
Why did I never ask if I was bothering her?
I just want to cry
Pfft imagine that? Bursting into tears in front of all of them because I’ve been looking for one mother when I had another one right there?
Fuck
What the actual fuck?
I can’t deal with this I’m— I don’t know if I’m mad or upset or all of them and I can’t
Gunnloda… Gunnloda. I didn’t want her to be right, I didn’t want to be right.
I didn’t even know what to say to her. All I could think of was anything and everything to make it worse.
And they asked for Kendall because Ravaphine got bit and would have ended up like Cae… Cae who is a werewolf becau— it’s not her fault it— it isn’t, it’s not like she did it on purpose.
Kendall came of course… I didn’t know… I didn’t know she cared that much but I won’t apologize for getting mad at her. I want them to be friends again, I was even fine if Gunnloda wanted to love both of us, but not— not like that. Not to change herself to something she isn’t for that love.
I almost told both of them about the possibility about being related to a god but I didn’t want to take away from Gunnloda’s thing. I kind of did anyway.
Are we done yet? Are we back in Riverrun so I can go out with my wife and have a nice day or two and not wonder if I’ve spent the last four years with a mother I didn’t know I had? And not wonder why they can’t see my wife and why she’s…
They’re missing out on a wonderful person and I don’t care what anyone says, I still think she’s capable of all the same things Kendall is, if not more.
That was an interesting conversation to sit in on. Gunnloda was right, it was awkward, but I’m glad I was there. Now I actually feel like I should apologize because… It really is a good idea to get both sides of the story… but she still hurt Gunnloda by not talking to her and essentially shutting her out.
I really did mean it when I told Gunnloda I didn’t mind if she wanted to be with Kendall too. Now that I know what I know. I said it more to break the tension, honestly, because there’s a lot I think that needs to be said still before it could even be possible. Can’t go back to that shit communication they had. That’s not good for anyone…
And now I can’t stop thinking about… Will they tell me the truth? Or just what they think i want to hear? Or what they only want me to know and nothing else?
Ugh whatever thinking about it is getting me absolutely nowhere and I’m going to make sure my wife is okay because that was a crazy emotional ride and I was just listening.
What
What? I’m …
I have no idea what…
Okay but I can’t be the only one, can I? That just… That doesn’t even sound possible. And why… I don’t understand why it even matters?
If… if Ryleigh hadn’t kept it from me, I don't think I would have even reacted like I did. At least not so angry.
I don’t even know what to think I’m just confused. Is it that important? I don’t understand why it matters?
Is it just because I have a mix of both auras? Do other people of fiend and celestial blood only have one? I can’t at all believe I’m the only one.
But I don’t… I mean as far as I’m aware I’m just… I don’t think I have any traits aside from tiefling ones?
… Ok I have to admit that I wouldn’t even know.
Is it being able to talk to gods face-to-face?
And can I even talk to others? Takara said I was like family… family family? Or just… like family like me to one of the Devils?
I’m so confused.
I’m trying to not think that Mielikki and Takara only care about me because of that and that they actually…
They do actually like me, right?
How do I even bring this up…
How do I ask…
Will Takara even tell me? Is she going to make me wait until we can get back to Limabey? Is it possible to get Mielikki to come here? … Probably not if she asked Takara to look after me.
This is so strange.
I’m not even that… I don't even really care that much about my other parent. About finding out. It’s never… I never asked, I never cared to ask. I had my mother, why did I need anyone else?
But why did Mielikki find me… why did she mark me? Is this… Is this the reason my mother left me and hasn’t come back?
I don’t fucking understand
Running through Rodoza
I messed up again.
I messed up so bad
I don’t know what to do
I haven’t told anyone yet I probably confused Ryleigh
They haven’t brought it up either
There hasn’t really been time
She told me once that she couldn’t be the thing that stopped me from hurting innocent people…
I didn’t just hurt them this time do you think she’ll leave me
They’re gone
I killed them I could have done something else...I didn’t know it was going to be that destructive
I
I killed them
When we were at Stonetooth I just wanted to be better at the fighting… I felt so useless
Now I… now I don’t want to fight
I killed innocent people
I’m no better than the people that killed everyone I knew
I’ve had to use my magic on the two people I care for the most
Is there some kind of joke I don’t know about?
Is this punishment for trying so hard to be against what I am that in turn I’m just making it easier to be that devil?
Am I just being toyed with?
Are Mielikki and Takara just laughing at me somewhere, look at this stupid tiefling, trying to go against her blood.
I used to have weeks at a time where I was in the forest surrounded by animals… and nothing went wrong, nothing life altering or death defying or political bullshit happened. I didn’t get bullied or harassed… I miss that. I miss having that break. I miss how simple it was… But she wasn’t there… please still be here, please tell me I didn’t ruin everything again. Why do you… I keep failing you how are you still…
Some Old Dwarven Place - several days
So we’re in this old dwarven place, so far mostly filled with orcs, to find some old dwarven forge and weapons. I think mostly the weapons. There was this room full of sarcophagi and Urrak only opened one… I wanted to open the others but…
How is it we keep going to these places that bring it all back to when you died?
I was worried about you, but also a little worried you would be rather disappointed if I opened one… but… I know we have to go back that way. Pretty sure we’re currently at a dead end.
Maybe I can talk Urrak into opening the others.
Sometimes I wish everyone had all their stories out. I know most of yours, so at least I know what’s going on and I can try and stop anything from happening before it’s too late.
I know...I don’t know if I know everything about Ryleigh’s but I know enough to help. It’s just… Urrak doesn't know the details so Ryleigh just shut down from something she said.
It was… I was really close to walking away from her. I know before I guessed someone probably was controlling her but the way she said it this time…
It was hard to not fall back into what happened to my ‘family’. I didn’t quite succeed in it. When she told me she tried to fix it… there was this huge relief. But then I got angry again, again at something I can’t put a face to. Someone did this to her and she’s blaming herself. I’m not going to take all the blame away from her, mostly because I don’t know how hard she tried to fight it, or if she did. I don’t know how to ask her that or if I want to know the answer to it.
Now I’m just worried about the both of you in here. And Urrak, now that I’ve got time to stop and not worry about you while you’re hopefully sleeping... She had a tough time the last time we had to go and kill a bunch of orcs.
I hope we’ll go outside soon… the ceilings are high enough in some of the areas that it hasn’t really bothered me but… I don’t think I’ve really told you I don’t really like enclosed spaces that much either.
And I know how worried you were when I got bit by that thing earlier… I’m glad I… I know Ryleigh always wants to go first but if we run into anything like that again…
Something that can hurt me that bad in one hit…
I’m glad you didn’t cast that spell again, I wouldn’t have wanted you to feel how much that hurt. I’m going to go back to it in the morning… after that flooded area, I think. I need to start making that map anyway.
Everyone keeps trying to protect me, I can handle myself. It’s really them that needs to be protected.
I was not prepared for your natural accent. Obviously. The slip ups are adorable and I don’t know… is it weird to say it just seems to fit better? I’m glad the teasing helped pull you out of your memories. I wasn’t sure what to do, I don’t know what I would have done had it not worked.
I wish it was easier to watch over you while you try to sleep. I never noticed how… inconvenient my horns can be. I just want to curl up around you but instead I’m stuck to just lying on my back or my stomach. But I like them, I don’t want to get rid of them. It took me such a long time to not hate them. To not wish they’d never existed. I wish there was a way to keep them back, like Brimeia’s or even just curve the side of my head you know? I’ve never seen another tiefling whose horns do what mine do… Why is that? What… Am I just that unlucky? Cursed more than the others?
I didn’t intend to write about this. I didn’t intend to make myself...I’m trying to not hate myself but I guess it’s not that easy.
***
For the longest time I hated learning druid things. I loved the animal parts of it but I didn’t want to know anything else… I wanted to be like my mother, I wanted to do something that would make me feel closer to her. And then I met these people and I finally managed to shift and I *loved* it. But I…
I am so useless. I don’t *do* anything. Why do I try? Every time I get something that makes me happy shit falls apart.
I almost lost Gunnloda because I did something stupid, I’m so glad she came back… and she’s staying, but there’s something in the back of my head that keeps trying to tell me she’ll leave again and I can ignore it most of the time but…
But then things like *this* happen and I just
Do I just have to use my magic now?
Am I not allowed to shift because what good am I? Just fodder so no one else dies? Which I guess is okay but… I want to *do* something more than just stand around and get beat up on. I’ve been beat up on almost my entire life
Is this all I’m meant for?
Is this the other part of the curse of being a tiefling?
Why do I try?
*-*
It’s happening again. I can feel it. It’s like Bleakmourne only worse. Because there’s a reason for this, Bleakmourne felt hollow this is…
I said I wanted to leave and then I didn’t. I stupidly thought something would change.
Instead I just brought you to a place that reminded you of when you died.
I don’t even know why he yelled at me? I wasn’t saying he couldn’t go do that I just didn’t understand why we were following him? Why didn’t he check this other room? There could have been something in there and he just went right by it. I don’t… how is that about me?
Ravaphine said they “needed” me… sure but they don’t *want* me here. They just *need* me because sometimes I’m not terrible at being a druid.
I was terrible at sneaking so I couldn’t be a rogue.
I was terrible at using a bow, so I couldn’t be a hunter or a ranger.
I’m… I’’m pretty terrible at this druid stuff too it seems…
I don’t want to believe them
I don’t want to believe anything they’ve ever said to me, but how can I not?
When everything they’ve said… is true…
I *am* useless, I *can’t* do anything.
Is my entire purpose to just… sit in a corner and watch people? Even that gets me in trouble…
Mielikki as’ homo a' sa'n rlo has arlo a'a'a' … I ooc horn I oa’ ca' has oaiyrla'mo I’rl sa' amoc a'r miyagh I’rl sa' amoc a'r miyagh
Gunnloda would you really be okay just hiding away in a forest for the rest of your life? Because the only thing I can do is talk to animals.
Maybe I really will go back to Bellbury. At least I know how they feel about me there… I don’t want to keep moving Stool though. I don’t know what to do. What do I do? Do I just… do I just accept that this is how things are? Why can’t I just be fine with having my wife? There’s Ryleigh too… and Brimeia I guess? Chessy kind of too? I even told Ryleigh we were all a family last night. I was trying to remind myself of that too. It’s like I say one thing and the next moment something is there to completely destroy it. I’ve been talking in circles, I keep saying the same things every few days and yet I don’t do anything to try and change it.
Wedding
I don’t know what I expected. I mean, I didn’t… I hoped she would show up, but I didn’t think she actually would. But it still… it still stung when she didn’t. I just wanted… I just wanted… I guess objects are all I get from them.
I just wanted one of them to be there.
Do they just not like her? Or am I really just that… gullible.
No, she was probably busy. I wish I hadn't even asked. It's my own fault I feel like this. I knew she wouldn't come but I let myself hope anyway.
*massive scribbles and random swirl doodles*
Enough of that, I have a wife and she's great and I love her. and she loves me and I have friends and she's beautiful. And I get to help people! And get paid for it! Well that's not really important. But helping people without them thinking I'm there to curse them or yell at me will be nice.
She’s already moving away from what I’m guessing is the halfling influence. It’s only been one or two instances so far (It *has* only been a day) but I’ve caught it and I…
Is it weird to say that I can’t *wait* to see who she’s going to become? Who she always was but felt she had to hide? I’m… *excited* I’m excited that I get to be apart of that. That I get to watch it happen and love her even more. I don’t know if that’s even possible but I feel like it is.
Arena Fight
I’m surprised I didn’t shift right then…
Hells, I’m surprised I didn’t just hit her
I don’t… How could she say that
I keep trying and I just make it worse. I guess it’s fitting that the only person who talks to me really is you and Ryleigh, but ...that’s usually when I do something stupid or I go talk to her, she doesn’t usually go out of her way to just… talk to me.
Or maybe you’re just the only one I let talk to me.
Most of us went out in Riverrun, that was nice right? They weren't... Pretending to be nice, right?
What happened? What did I do?
I don’t want to talk to them because I’m so angry… I don't want to say things when I don’t mean them.
Would it matter, though? I try to say things and they just… why am I still thinking of trying
I don’t know how you put up with me… how do you get anything I say?
How do I get them to like me…
When I don’t even want to be me
I did what I wanted, what I thought I wanted. Then I just...gave up. None of them wanted to fight, but what choice did we have? He said we wouldn’t die. I don’t know why I believed him so readily, but...at least it was the truth. They wouldn’t fight and I… well I wasn’t about to touch you or Ryleigh, so I mostly understand but…
Why do I still feel like I’m the bad guy? Like I did something wrong again? How I knocked out Ravaphine was excessive...
And he asked me.
He basically had me choose. You or my mother
And I didn’t hesitate.
When I realized what kind of information he wanted, information I don’t even have, but I knew… he could have told me where my mother was that very moment and I would not have told him anything about you… well except uh the ...ramble I went on about loving you because that might have happened.
But I…
I didn’t know it would hurt so much. That’s all i’ve been trying to do the last four years. Just find her, remember her… and it’s offered to me just like that for just one answer to a question… I thought I would do anything for that.
I’m so glad to know that I can’t.
I stopped keeping track of the days, sue me
I’m so fucking **mad* at everyone. What the **fuck**!?!?!??!!!!
My mother taught me the importance of being quiet. I learned it from the best. I’m not that great at it but they’re just shooting off really **loud** weapons and kicking down doors, just **announcing** ourselves to **everyone**. We’re lucky they didn’t take out Ryleigh when we walked into that room.
Do they not care about us?
I’m going to fucking destroy them if they get you hurt.
**and you** I… I’m… I don’t like being mad at you. **but I am**.
~*~*~
After 2nd keep
I don't know why this has to hurt so much. Why I let it hurt me.
I should have known…
I'm not wanted here
I'm not wanted anywhere
I thought they were different
I thought… I thought they liked me.
All I have is you and Stool
And I'm okay with that
I just wanted…
I guess I wanted too much
I think maybe Ryleigh too but sometimes… Sometimes I just think she's placating me.
They seem okay with Brimeia, so I know it's not
I guess it's just me.
I shouldn't have yelled at them. They ignored me anyway… I still feel bad about it but they… they could have gotten you killed.
They could have gotten any of us killed and they don't seem to care. I don't want them to mess up like I did. To fuck up so bad that you realize you need to change…
Because that means that one of us has to die before they change…
I guess it won't matter if we leave first.
“leave”
I like Bellbury.
Or… At least what's around it. I know the one Lin definitely isn't a fan of most of us, the other one is okay. I like her.
why do they ignore me? Am I that bad? Even my own mother didn't come back
I'll skip out the next time they do something I think… they don't want me anyway.
Day 14
This morning was… emotional. But I… what was it that made you have to change so much of yourself? To make you not say what you thought? I know what that’s like. To not say anything…
I don’t want you to hide yourself from me. I don’t ever want you to feel like you can’t tell me something.
For just a moment though, for just a moment, I thought you were going to tell me we weren’t going to work because you thought it was a bad idea. It hurt the same if not more than when I watched you leave with Kendall those few days ago.
It’s why I didn’t want to push you with telling me things. Part of why. It doesn’t feel right to force you to tell me about your life.
I don’t know if you believed me or not about confusing me for Kendall or replacing her. It’s just… when I saw her, when I saw the two of you… I don’t know. I guess I understood? I like her. I can see why you did, still do?
The rings… I don’t think I got a chance to tell you but I told Misha they were engagement rings too. I did it mostly to try and get her to talk to me and try and get that ring away from her…
I’m… I’m glad they do mean that now. Or Um… I mean… that— that’s kind of what I meant when I said everything so I think you understood that.
Is it weird that this is so fast?
I really wish there was time to talk to Urrak. I know something’s going on but I haven’t had much of a chance to talk to her, especially since it seems whenever we do have time she does something stupid to make me mad at her.
Eloise came in to ask us to go to the Keep. We had planned on it anyway, so I’m glad we didn’t have to have some kind of fight about it. She looked at me before she left. The others said it was probably a good thing, but I don’t know. I tried to leave but you didn’t let me. I just… I don’t want to make their family uncomfortable or more angry than they already are. I just… as much as I want to stay here, I don’t want to be somewhere where the people don’t like me anymore, especially because it’s warranted.
Day 12-13, Mirdan 16 Jaqmont 3Y53
Traveling was interesting, I need to talk to Ryleigh about … well herself. She’s just as… just as sad I think. In a different way. And neither of us like ourselves very much. I never would have thought I’d care about a human. I’ve never really run into any nice ones (Ok so the two in Omubagi were also strangely nice). She’s saved me more than once, neither time did I ask her to, she just did it. She keeps trying to help me, and… and tells me that I matter and I want to do the same for her. Because she does.
I mean, I guess I was a little… I don’t know if jealous is the right word, of her because Urrak talks to her a lot, even though I offered to listen and all she’s done since then is continue to hurt me... and I can tell it helps a little, you know. Maybe I’m sad now that *Ryleigh* talks to Urrak, I don’t know who else would understand... Ravaphine and Nolanos enjoy her company, as I do and she is much more knowledgeable in this world we’ve been thrown into. I know she thinks she’s a monster, because of what she was forced to do what she thinks she might have done by wanting to, but I don’t believe it. I know of those spells, I’m learning some of those spells. They don’t work like that, if you can’t shake it off, you’re forced to do as they wish. At least I don’t think they do, I wish I knew more so I could say for certain.
I don’t know how to make her see that she isn’t that monster. Someone who… someone who tries to make me like myself couldn’t be one. I could tell her over and over, kind of like she tells me. But also like me, she probably doesn’t really believe it.
At least I didn’t. I’m… slowly starting to believe it.
I’ve spent years being told otherwise so being told what they said isn’t true, in only a week, well it’s not an easy thing to just forget or let go.
I didn’t realize how much I think I understand her… I… it’s so hard to talk to her when Urrak is always pulling her away and then I get so caught up in you… I’m not blaming you, it’s just a fact, mo shearc. Is having friends always like this? I don’t think I like it very much, it’s very stressful and I worry so much. I don’t ever want to be alone again.
Anyway, I just didn’t think she’d appreciate that kind of conversation where anyone could possibly over hear us, as I don’t think she’s told anyone what she told me, well maybe Urrak but… I don’t really care to talk to her right now.
There were so many orcs. I think Urrak even tried to talk to some of them to get us to pass but… well we ended up killing all of them. I kind of angered some trapped in a cage, bad idea.
I’m so glad I could stop Cae’s shifting for a little bit. I mean, I nearly killed her, but the spell worked and I managed to stabilize her after.
I’m glad I was waiting for her to break out, Urrak and Ryleigh were so quick to pull their weapons even though I told them I could handle it.
Maybe one day they’ll listen to me, believe me.
We’re resting for a while, at least until Cae comes to again.
I’m…
I’m so glad I…
I never wanted to ask. I wanted you to just… I wanted you to feel comfortable enough to just tell me one day?
Any time I asked for some kind of… some kind of story about you, you always tried to talk about something else. I let you, mostly. I didn’t want to push, I didn’t want to force it out of you. I figured maybe… maybe one day you’d be okay to talk to me.
But I was worried tonight. We were going to be in this place all night and… goddess I was worried. I was so close to just taking you back out, so we could just stay outside, but I couldn’t do that to Cae. I couldn’t let the possibility of keeping her alive… of keeping any of them alive. We needed you— I needed you there. Just in case. I can only do so much, I can’t help them all if something were to happen.
I’m grateful that you told me, and now I can… now I can make sure… now I can help.
I got to talk to Ryleigh a little bit.
She doesn’t think we’re friends. I mean… that we care about her? I guess it’s valid, we haven’t known her for long but…
I fell in love with you in less than a week.
She’s… I guess not having friends and getting ones now has made me want to make sure everyone I care about feels like they’re wanted.
The demon-orcs got out and we took care of them. One of them kept calling me ‘little-devil’. I tried to ignore it but it made me so angry. I don’t want it to keep making me feel bad, but it’s what they always called me back there. So that’s all that I think about when it comes up, all those years of…
I really should have stayed with you the rest of the night, but I just…
I had to make sure Cae was ok. Even if I hadn’t hurt her daughter I’d still want to do it. The thought of her losing her mother it…
Getting out… I
You scared me.
I could have been up and out well before anyone else, but I couldn’t leave you. I needed to make sure you’d be okay.
I’m so glad I had that spell left.
~*~*~
Why does no one want my help?
That’s all I want to do. I like helping people but it’s always turned away. I wanted to make sure you and Cae got back without any issues. To rest. You both needed it.
So, thank you for taking the offer. I am glad Ravaphine agreed to.
I get why Cae didn’t want to though. I’m sure I’m her least favorite person. Seeing her kill those orcs… I don’t think I’d be sitting here right now had I tried to actually run away.
I don’t know what’s going on with Urrak. She’s fine one minute and then just at someone’s throat the next. I don’t understand
~*~*~
I was so tired when I got back that I didn’t think about staying with you, making sure you were okay. Obviously not…
I needed a break. I still need one. After being in the keep and your stuff with the cages and mine with my horns I just couldn’t believe what I did to Misha. How could I do that to someone? I know that trapped feeling, so how could I go and do that to someone else? I am literally someone’s nightmare and if I think about it too long I can’t breathe.
I didn’t stay out there as long as I thought, I was falling asleep and I wanted to see you. I’m glad the others were there briefly. If only to help me to you.
I wish I was there for you. Your accent is wonderful and I’m happy you shared it with me, even if you didn’t intend to. I’m kind of surprised about the god thing… well, after hearing a few things, I understand.
But do you think I’m crazy? Because I said I’ve talked to them? You… you said you didn’t think I was but how could you not when you don’t believe in them? I’m… I don’t know how to feel about that, I can’t… the thought of you thinking that I’m insane or just trying to get attention like them...
Please don’t. That will hurt me so much, it’s already hurting. I can’t think about this right now. I’m too tired. Maybe I’ll be able to think better after some sleep.
But it hurts
Day 11 Andan 15 Jaqmont 3Y53
Today was weird. I mean… it was wonderful
You make everything so…
Ravaphine and Ryleigh keep telling me I look good because of how happy I am
And I… I feel better, I… It’s not just you, you’ve helped so much but even just everyone else… everyone else showing me that I… that I can exist? That I’m… that I’m allowed to live I’m allowed to just be me…
It still hurts when they kind of ignore me, I don’t know how to fix that. That was part of the reason I would go do things on my own, but at least now… at least now I’ll tell someone.
Tell you.
I know going off on my own isn’t a good idea but… sometimes I just still think it’s faster. I promise… I’ll try to never leave without telling you where I’m going. I don’t want to worry you again. Not like that.
I’m scared we’ll have to kill Cae tomorrow and I don’t know if I can handle that. I don’t want her family to lose her.
I should ask you if it’s ok to keep teasing you about sleeping outside… and apologize for um… well outing you as “fancy”. I’m sorry I don’t think I asked if I could but I was… I don’t know I guess I was just excited and I wanted to tell my friends.
Goddess you’re so beautiful and I love watching you do anything.
I love you and thank you for camping outside with me even though I know it isn’t your favorite.
Day 10, Hotdan, 14 Jaqmont 3Y53
Today was a thing. Started out terrible, sort of. I’m glad you were there when it happened. I’m not sure what would have happened if I were alone.
Probably would have just stayed in the room the whole day instead of getting to go into that library. There are some fancy things in big cities.
I still feel guilty for Brimeia beating the crap out of Urrak. I mean, I know they wanted to but… I don’t think it would have gotten so bad if I hadn’t said anything to her.
I’m so glad you like churros! That might have been a deal breaker.
Who am I kidding, no it wouldn’t have been. I would just get to have more for myself!
It’s really early in the morning when I write this, usually I would have before going to sleep. But well… we were a little busy and I’ve never felt … I’ve never felt this *much* before.
I learned to just… not feel after… after everyone died. It went a long way when the other druids made comments. Their words still hurt but it was like, it was like I didn’t care? Now, I have all of you and it’s like any little thing, intentional or not, is worse than anything they ever said to me.
But there’s also you, the feelings I have for you. They’re so overwhelming, but I wouldn’t give them up for *anything* Not even churros.
I love you and I will for all of your days. For all of *my* days.
Day 9, Fendan 13 Jaqmont 3Y53
You're back! I feel weird writing this to you now. I don't really know why I'm writing it at all.
Maybe something I can look back on many years from now…
So many things keep happening in such a small amount of time that I shouldn't be surprised we're all acting a little crazy. I should ask you in the morning if you're okay.
I love you I'm just… You're lying here sleeping… Ok I hope you're asleep… and I'm still…
Brimeia is right -do not tell her I said that-, I am googly eyed and everything.
I meant it when I said I wanted to know everything, I know it's not a happy tale, I'm not sure any of ours are, but it… it brought you to me and it made you… You.
Well it can wait,
I think I had a point to this when I started but it seems I'm just as scattered with writing as I am when talk.
I do wish my mother could meet you. I miss her
Day 8, Wedan 12 Jaqmont 3Y53
Dinosaurs! They’re so cool!
I got to pet one! They were so cute, I think it might have scared everyone else, but the dinosaur was really nice. But then these Faerie’s scared them away. We left before I could go find them again.
I wish you were there to see them.
Maybe I can show you one day
If you… if you wanted to spend time with me.
I’m sorry I don’t want to make you feel guilty
I’m not trying to
I just wanted to get my feelings out somehow that didn’t
That didn’t involve hurting the people…
Hurting the people I love
I know you’re not here anymore
And that…
That hurts more than I could have ever imagined
And it was my fault
Stool is sure you’ll come back.
They’re very… well it’s difficult to stay sad around them. They said some things that… that hurt, but they didn’t know any better because they thought they were trying to help. It did, sort of. It just made it harder knowing how badly I screwed up.
Day 8, Wedan 12 Jaqmont 3Y53
12th of Jaqmont 3Y53
Hi… I… I wanted to talk to you today and I realized I couldn’t. So I’m writing you a letter.
I know you’ll never see it, but it… I think it might help me.
I know you don’t want to hear it… read it anymore, but I truly am sorry.
Like I said, it’s… it’s not an excuse but maybe…
Maybe you’ll understand?
What I meant when everything that’s happened the last few days was so new to me.
I didn’t know how to … how to deal with it.
Even before … even before everything happened with my mother, I didn’t really have friends.
I was the only kid, surrounded by jaded adults.
You’d think I’d be a little less naive, but my mother…
My mother tried to protect me, possibly too much.
When I was a child, people’s words about me… about what I am, I didn’t understand…
And then…
I never got a chance to tell you about how my horn got broken did I?
Of course not, we hardly new each other…
Maybe another time, we have to go get another component.
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