Facial Pattern Baldness

By the Beard! I've lost my beard!
— Dastot Regumar, beardless dwarf
  The most feared of ailments among Dwarven society, even more feared than not being drunk, Facial Pattern Baldness is a horrendous condition that permanently disfigures the faces of millions of dwarves every year.  


There is no known cause. A genetic root was searched for early on due to similarities with male pattern baldness in Humans, but no identifiable genetic cause was found, nor were signs of hormonal imbalance.   Various superstitions have arisen around this disfiguring ailment with seemingly no natural cause. Management says it's a symptom of spending too much time drinking beer and not enough hard work, but few believe this.  


The symptoms are striking, and in the eyes of dwarves, disfiguring. It begins with a gradual thinning of one's facial hair. The mighty strands of hair that make up the beard, mustache, side burns, and even eyebrows start to fall out at an alarming rate until the unfortunate dwarf's face is as smooth as polished marble.  
Truly, a fate worse than being sober!
— Olon Lakishducim, beardless dwarf


Management of the Dwarven Mining Corporations claim it can be prevented by spending less time in the bar drinking and more time working, but few dwarves actually believe that.  


Facial Pattern Baldness was completely unheard of before the dwarves took to the skies in the search of new worlds. It only started to appear with the rise of the powerful Dwarven Mining Corporations. The very first case made headlines across the galaxy, as while shaving off one's facial hair does happen, having your beard fall off and being unable to regrow it is simply impossible.  
Breaking News: Dwarf Suffers Personal Catastrophe, Beard Falls Off!
  While the first case was met with shock and sympathy, more cases started to appear and public perception rapidly shifted to horror and revulsion. Many sufferers suddenly found themselves shunned and outcast. Charities were set up to help the victims, and foundations were founded in vain to look into a cause and cure.
Chronic, Acquired
Affected Species

Cover image: by Dutrius


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Eternal Sage AmélieIS
Amélie I. S. Debruyne
2 Jul, 2021 06:17

This is a fun article, I love the quotes :D I want to know what is happening to those beards now :p

To see what I am up to, here is my civilisation challenge article.
2 Jul, 2021 08:05

Thanks! As for the beards, it shall remain a mystery...

2 Jul, 2021 07:58

Ouch! Those poor dwarves, that is a cruel fate indeed! And oh, what an odd coincidence that the condition first appeared when the Dwarven Mining Corporations rose, and that it can (allegedly) be prevented by working hard... ;)

Creator of the Kaleidoscope System, an alien star system shaped by a colorful radiation source.   My Pledge for Summer Camp 2022
2 Jul, 2021 08:05

I'm sure it's purely coincidental and nothing untoward is happening...

2 Jul, 2021 08:07

"Even more feared then not being drunk"   Ahh this gives me such hard Dwarf Fortress vibes. I love it :D Very funny, very well done indeed :D

Creator of Araea, Megacorpolis, and many others.
2 Jul, 2021 08:14

Thank you! I will never not be inspired by Dwarf Fortress when writing about dwarves.

2 Jul, 2021 09:16

If you ask me, it's the best dwarf inspiration around :D watch out for elephants and carp!

Creator of Araea, Megacorpolis, and many others.
2 Jul, 2021 09:35

Hehe. It was inevitable.

Sage eccbooks
E. Christopher Clark
2 Jul, 2021 20:26

Love this! It's the first Summer Camp article I've read this year, and it was a great way to start.

Check out the Bekiskpan — originators of the chain mail bikini and my entry for “On the Shoulders of Giants.”
2 Jul, 2021 20:33

Thank you!

2 Jul, 2021 21:40

This is really funny, and such a believable small-scale problem blown out of proportion by the people. I really enjoyed reading this. :)

You should check out the The 5 Shudake, if you want of course.
3 Jul, 2021 06:58

Hehe. Thank you!