The Hope of Ordym in Irrum Vath | World Anvil
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The Hope of Ordym

As he raced down the tunnels on his dire weasel, Makka's heart raced. He had only recently been made chief of his clan, and even then, Makka cared about nothing more than their safety and prosperity. Their city lay next to some impressive mines, the source of ore they use for crafting and trading. But their diviners were struggling to find any ores within reach. The nearest deposit would take months, possibly years to reach. Makka knew that without ore, his clan could not participate in trade and would have to find a new location, potentially even splitting apart. This is what drove Makka to the Firkin.   The Firkin is a place where some of the worst denizens of Irrum Vath gather. Criminals go there to drink, and others would likely only ever go there if they were desperate to hire such an individual. For a kobold in such a position as Makka, news of his visiting this place could be catastrophic. His intentions, however, were more noble than those of most of the Firkin’s usual customers, and he knew his mission was worth risking going to the bar..   He left his weasel tied up at the bazaar. He pulled his hood over his face, following the narrow tunnels to the bar, hoping to find the one who he was looking for. The Firkin was dimly lit, and the air reeked of liquor. Small pieces of luimite dotted the ceiling, weakly illuminating a handful of patrons, but left their faces cloaked in shadow. He heard unintelligible whispers coming from the tables, and felt eyes darting towards him as he walked by.   Suddenly, the whispers were drowned out by cheers coming from the end of the bar. A crowd surrounded two kobolds, illuminated by a flaming sword, swiftly drinking large portions of the foul-smelling drink. The one closest to Makka was of average height, though fatter than most kobolds, and had a belt carrying numerous daggers around his waist. The other was taller, and lean. His musculature could be seen even from a distance, and he had a pack on the ground with numerous odd weapons sticking out of it, including a spear that seemed to be moving, and a hammer with no handle. As the kobold slammed his now empty mug on the table, Makka finally saw his face- his snout was more pointed than that of most kobolds, and looked almost wolflike; and atop his head a pair of goggles. As the other kobold angrily slammed down his mug, Makka leaned on a table a ways back and waited for the crowd to disperse.   As the fatter kobold angrily threw a handful of coins on the table and stormed away, Makka walked up to the goggle-wearing kobold. As the kobold sheathed the flaming sword and prepared to leave, Makka sat down across from him. The strange kobold looked at Makka and slurred, “If you want to challenge me, come back tomorrow.”   “I’ve heard stories about you,” Makka replied. “Luf, The lupine kobold who’s wandered the mountain for hundreds of years.”   “If you wanna hire me you’ll have to wait. I drank seven ales in an hour. I’ll be here t’morrow.” As he started to get up, Makka stopped him.   “No job. Just Information.”   The next morning, Makka was sitting on his weasel as it raced down the tunnels. The night before hadn’t been quite what he expected. While Luf gave him the information he paid for, he was expecting a very different interaction. Luf was a great hero, one who Makka had looked up to as a child, but he was shocked to find that Luf seemed almost… ordinary. From the stories about him, Luf seemed like a giant kobold with an unbreakable will, but at the Firkin, the creature he met was just a drunken kobold with a fancy sword. But in the end, none of that mattered. Luf had been alive since before kobolds even came to the mountain, and was one of the few living beings who could remember the location of a remnant archive, a ruin in the mountain lost to time. This particular ruin that he sought out was special. For a time, it had been home to Sparksteel, a lymantria who lived in the mountain, who he had met before becoming chief. She told him that when she started living in the mountain, she had found the ruin and turned it into a makeshift workshop, but had abandoned it long ago. Sparksteel, he remembered, created explosive weaponry. Her personal weapon, which she called the Aetheric Accelerator Cannon, shot out powerful explosive rounds, and the other tech she made followed suit. Unfortunately, after months of searching, he couldn’t figure out where to find her in the mountain. This is why he sought out the archive, hoping to find any technology she may have left behind.   As he arrived at the location Luf had given him, Makka was confronted with a pile of rubble. He felt a strong sadness well up deep inside him. He had thought that Luf may have misled him by mistake, but he had gone too far to move on. It took him almost an hour, but he finally broke through the rubble. He crawled through the hole he made, and entered a buried temple he hoped had been Sparksteel’s workshop. As he walked through the temple, he saw walls, floors and ceilings infused with lines of ore. Intricate patterns were carved into the walls, and at the back of the temple was an enormous statue. Because it was half destroyed from time passing, Makka could barely make out what it was. But as he walked to the back of the statue, he saw what he was looking for. Shelves carved into the back of the statue, filled with strange technology, the types of which he had never seen. As he gazed upon this, he breathed a sigh of relief. His quest, which held the fate of his clan in its hands, was over. And he felt hope.

Comments

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Oct 8, 2020 18:08

I liked the reference to diviners in the opening paragraph. It pulled in some disjointed elements of the world. You also establish tension quite nicely in the opening paragraphs. What reason does Makka have to go to the Firkin? What’s worth the risk? You answered both of these effectively but a bit roundabout. We know that the found technology will save his clan, but we don’t know how. Does he plan to use it for trade? Will this help then create or find material for crafting or for trade? It would be nice to know his plan so we can extrapolate the stakes.   I noticed excessive use of the word ‘was’ in this vignette. Most of these instances could have been replaced with sharper, more evocative verbs which would have added detail to the writing. I also liked how Makka’s hero didn’t live up to expectations it seems realistic as with the cliched saying ‘don’t meet your heroes’. You also did a good job of providing exposition via Makka’s introspection rather than just dumping it on the reader like a report. I liked the characterization of Makka. I got the sense that he values his tribe above all and would do anything reasonably within his power to preserve it. I did think that the characterization for Luf and Sparksteel was a bit sparse. Though it may not have been strictly required I would have liked at least a couple of descriptive adjectives for Sparksteel, she seems to have the potential to be an interesting character.

Oct 10, 2020 20:46

This vignette had a lot of strengths! The writing was tight and detailed. When presenting new locations, I was able to picture what it looked like. I enjoyed the characterization of Makka, the kobold chief, as well as his motivation. His internal thoughts about Luf helped the reader gain insight into Luf’s character and contrast past Luf to current Luf without needing to look up too much about him. The characterization for Luf was also good! I like the contrast between the drunken uncaring kobold to the heroic one told in stories. I remember reading about Lycanthropic kobolds in your metanarrative, is Luf one of these kobolds? There was a good balance between telling a story and putting in information about your world, although there could be a bit more narrative supporting the world information. The scene at the bar, where Makka begins to talk with Luf leaves me wanting to hear the actual discussion between the two characters. What made Luf decide to tell Makka anything? Perhaps Makka would have doubts about if this drunken kobold was the hero of legends? The bar scene could have been used to reveal the motivations behind why Luf is a common drunk instead of fighting monsters. One major question I have is why didn’t Makka try and find Sparksteel? In the vignette, you mentioned that Makka had met her before and knew of her inventions. Why would he go after a fabled hero rather than find the Lymantria who made the workshop? One aside is to make sure your tenses are consistent. It’s not a huge issue, just one every writer should be careful of! That said, I enjoyed your vignette! Keep up the good work.

Oct 11, 2020 18:44

This vignette does an excellent job of making the world feel realistic. Every new word was quickly explained and it made reading the vignette easy to follow. I was never confused by any of the aspects of the world. Excellent job in that respect.   The writing also does a lovely job with descriptions. There is beautiful imagery throughout the whole piece - the kobolds’ faces being lit by the flame on a sword, the “luimite” dotting the ceiling and casting shadows on those below, the descriptions of the kobolds, and the description of their weapons even. The moving spear and handle-less hammer really caught my attention and drew me into the mysticism of the world - well done!   At the end there is a great description of this mysterious location Luf gave to Makka, but I just feel like the vignette jumps too drastically to get there. I was expecting to linger more on the conversation between Luf and Makka in the bar. I wanted to hear how their conversation went and learn how these two would interact. It would have been nice to see Makka come to the realization that Luf is more ordinary than he expected, instead of the writing outright telling us.   A lot of the vignette feels like info-dumping. It’s very heavy on the history and descriptions of places and things, and not too attentive to Makka and his direct feelings for everything. Perhaps Makka is just a straight-forward being of little emotion, but considering his desire to meet Luf and protect his clan, I doubt that.   Overall, well done! The vignette really leaves you interested in the story and world and wanting to know more.