Noasoani Haute Water

Haute Water is a luxury good marketed towards the wealthy elite, and is auctioned rather than sold. It claims to make the drinker feel exceptionally confident and clearminded.

It is also the key to a secondary economy.

Water is a powerful thing. It divides lands. It wears down mountains. It washes away empires...

— Lord Saul, High Leisure of Affluence

The Taste of Wealth

Virtually unknown outside of the financial elite, Noasoani water is a brand of specially treated water produced in Asteroid Yachts scattered throughout Ethnis.

Haute Water is made in a closed ecosystem. It is purified in the clouds and creeks of our Paradise ships. Our most loyal customers are welcome to spend their vacations in the lap of our luxury.

— Noasoani spokesperson

On top of being vitamin enriched, it is treated with a proprietary drug which induces elation, strength of will, and courage. Customers exude confidence, which only drives them to make choices that often further their personal success.

Rather than detracting from the appeal, the exhorbitant cost adds to the prestige. Nobody can deny the powerful effects of the water, and so it is half-sport and half-demand to hoard as much of it as possible.

Wealth? You don't know wealth. You couldn't even afford to drink the same water as me.

— A merchant-king addressing a noble

The Auctionhouse

Visiting the Noasoani site brings you the Noasoani Auctionhouse, where cases of Noasoani water are sold. Each case contains six bottles, there are always 3 simultaneous auctions in progress, each auction is staggered by five minutes, and each auction only lasts fifteen minutes. On most days, the worth of a bottle surpasses the net-worth of a common citizen, depending on the Banner they hail from.

Attempting to resell or advertise Haute Water will result in crippling lawsuits and a lifetime ban from the auctionhouse.

Hey hey howdy fuckers, welcome to another fantastic Fasttalk. It's me, your man, your guy, your parasocial confidante: Freddie! And today I've got, whoa, hey, look at this! That's right, it's water! What water! I can't tell you or they'd sue me—it's hot shit that'd land me in hot shit, you get? If you know you know, the rest of you gone have to figure it out on your own... so go away and let us adults talk.

Anyway so yes, hi, I'm going to try this, tell you what it's like, and then hopefully recoup my losses with a review because this took me months to get and set me behind by months more!

LifeStreamer Freddie Fasttalk

To guarantee a constant instream of water, customers will often hire a brokerage firm to act in their stead. Actioneers engage in complex tactics to acquire Noasoani water, and there is as much prestige in the wealth demonstrated in brute forcing an auction as there is in winning it at the lowest possible price.

The Noa-Lux Blacksite

Visiting the Noasoani Auctionhouse with a high-quality Chem Sensor active, and Haute Water on your breath, grants access to a hidden blacksite—Noa-Lux. It is here that you are allowed to bid on other Noasoani products and can access The Board.

Hello! And welcome to Noa-Lux. I see this is your first time, so allow me to give you a tour of the facilities.

Let's begin with the Noa-Lux Auctionhouse, where you may bid on Haute Blacklabel and Ambrosia.

— Opulent Mechanism, Blacksite Admin

Haute BlackLabel

Bidding begins at Gold Orb

Crystalline and shimmering, one swig of Haute BlackLabel causes the imbiber to operate at full mental and emotional clarity for up to 30 hours. Sleep is highly advised, but only necessary once every 72 hours or so.

Ambrosia

Bidding begins at Gold Sun

Opalescent and quasi-Non-Newtonian, drinking a phial of Ambrosia boosts muscle growth and physical regeneration for a month. Consumed regularly, it counters most forms of senescence, and reverses aging.


And over here we have The Board. First, here are your tokens. One for each bottle of Haute you've ever purchased. Each token is backed by twenty percent of the value of the bottle you purchased to earn it.

What's the board? Allow me to show you...

— Opulent Mechanism

The Board

You may place a bet on the board, or may get involved in an existing bet, by spending any number of tokens. Nothing is off limits for betting, nor for personally manipulating circumstances, but if you lose you're expected to pay up an additional 20% of the lost value.

Pray to The Wheel that you never have to bet against the house, and never bet more than you can pay out.

— Someone who's learned better secondhand

Product

Haute Water
Noasoani Haute Water by Ademal

Description

Haute water comes in canisters of sapphire glass. Each canister contains 0.75 pints of Haute Water each.

The tamper-proof lid is a proprietary crystalline biopolymer dome with hologrammic scenery projected inside, and can be crushed or dissolved to open.

When the seal is broken, the lid releases a plume of mist.

Advertising

Haute Water is advertised exclusively to the wealthy, determined by a history of common Amethyst-level spending habits.

Advertisements begin as simple product placement injected into holos, but the company will also contact promising customers with offers of a free sample.

Summary

Rarity

Unheard of outside of the wealthy elite

Dimensions

20cm height • 5cm diameter

Base Price

Bidding typically begins at Amethyst Rukta and sometimes goes as high as Topaz.

Primary Markets

HedonFederationSyndicatePact

Can I get Haute Water?

Noasoani markets to those with frequent Amythyst Rukta transactions, otherwise you haven't heard of it.

Who owns Noasoani?

That is a foolish question. Do not ask it again.

Barrier To Entry

The Noasoani Auctionhouse exists purely in virtual space, and requires a full-spectrum immersion rig for entry. You cannot even spectate the auctions without a certain level of wealth.

Opulent Mechanism

Opulent Mechanism is the Administrator of Noa-Lux. They are a genderless Engine which adopts the hologrammic form of a aqueous being composed of somewhat translucent opalescent fluid. With the free-reign Opulent Mechanism is given, many assume that they either own Noasoani, or began as a Dupe of the owner.

Nobody knows where Opulent Mechanism's Cores is stored. Those who have tried to find out have deeply regretted it.

Punishment

More money flows through Noasoani than anyone can truly estimate. The few who attempt to undercut it, investigate it, or harm it often find themselves in a world of extraordinary danger.

Fewer yet are ever found at all.


Don't try to tell me that some water can corrupt a person.

You haven't had enough to know what it's like.

G



Comments

Author's Notes

Inspirations

The Continental from John Wick


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29 Mar, 2020 10:35

I love this! What a refreshing take on water. Clever to make sure it's manipulating only the highest classes; equally clever to add layers to it.   Kind of wish the G's link wasn't copyright-blocked in my country, though, but that's not in your control.

29 Mar, 2020 11:43

Equally twisted how it sounds like Dasani. mental gagging over the idea of drinking any Coke product

29 Mar, 2020 16:46

Well, Dasani laced with drugs.

29 Mar, 2020 19:21

@Han. The link takes you to Capital G by Nine Inch Nails If you want to look it up!   I'm glad you all enjoyed it!   @Heath O'Donnell The name was certainly inspired by that a bit, though any intended correlation ended there. I just wanted to invoke the feeling of a water company! They do get pretty shady even IRL though, don't they?

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