Mellsday, 25th of Shadow 211 EoL
Dear Diary,
Yesterday, I couldn't write, since I fell asleep in
TT's arms. That said, you may already know how our conversation went. Against
Drake's wishes, I went over to Trip's room and was already glad that he let me in.
I started with some small-talk about how well he did in the fight and thanked him, that he had decided to stay with us for the fight. He reacted, as expected, with rejection. So I decided to cut to the point immediately and asked him about our
mother, why he didn't tell me and how he thought he would protect me by not telling me.
We had a really sincere conversation about things we kept to our self, about our plans for the future and we apologized to each other. Here's kind of a summary about that conversation, that in the end felt, like we were never angry at each other.
TT was afraid, that by telling me I would become like him. Quiet, not able to show my feelings, to laugh, to cry, without fearing to have the same destiny as mother. So he swore to himself to always stay by my side and "control" who would see my feelings and keep me safe that way. He thought that I was happy that way... how naive of him.
I told him, that if I would have known I would probably not have chosen to join the
Gatekeepers, but would have lived a life that indeed would have made me happy. Yes, I could be emotional, but at what costs? All I ever had was my brother. My parents didn't love me, our Nanny only had eyes for TT, since they shared the secret about mother and replaced each other's mother and son. My desperate search for love was just a stringing together of meaningless sex and disappointments over nearly two decades... what a happy life I had...
I always envied my brother for his relationship with Hel-Sir and that he seemed content with his books and research. Meanwhile, he envied me for being able to have fun and show my feelings. He never saw how empty my life actually was, well I was good at hiding it, I guess. This has changed now with Drake on my side, but that's another story.
I confessed to him, my childhood secret as well, while we were on it: he was always kind of awkward and the other kids didn't like him, so he got beaten up after school. I couldn't bear to see him hurting like that. He didn't stand a chance at that age. So I confronted his bullies and made them beat me up instead. I got pretty good at taking punches, and fortunately when I got older and my body started changing they were no longer interested in beating me up but wanted other things. Things I did never give them, of course, but I promised them much and got them wrapped around my finger. In hindsight I'm not very proud about what I did, but I was a kid protecting my brother and later myself.
Later I explained to him, that I only said that I did not have a brother anymore because I was furious at him for not telling me about our mother and I knew that this was the way of hurting him the most. I apologized for that statement and told him, that I never meant it. He then also apologized for burning down my suitcases, but he was just in a rage about everything that had happened in those last few hours. I then told him, what I had packed, that most of the suitcases contained childhood memories or valuables to ensure our future... he felt even worse after knowing that.
He also told me that he was proud of me for making my own choice about the Raven Queen, although he's not so sure that it was the best idea to have... we shall see.
I'm not sure if his choice of joining
Yelena and
Shirel is the right one for him. He just doesn't really know what to do at this point except studying
Rivvens and ancient magic further and he hopes to find answers on this
island . Well at least, he won't be alone. I just hope that Shirel and Yelena will keep him safe, and not focus too much on themselves. I offered him to come to
Sedem Lux, knowing very well that either him nor Drake would appreciate this. He rejected my offer. He thinks that we are at a point in our life, where it would be better do part ways for a while, so that we could find ourselves. He's probably right, but I just can't bear the feeling of being separated from my beloved brother. I mean up to a month ago, he was my everything. I'll miss him more than words can say...
I told him about the fears and doubts I had about my choice of going to Sedem Lux with Drake, my boyfriend of only a month, that I barely know... what if his mother doesn't like me? What if this is all going way to fast, and we'll grow tired of each other? What if he realizes that he's only with me to fill the whole that the deaths of his friends left? I'll find myself all alone in a big city that I don't call home. Of course, TT was very supportive and actually calmed me down saying that Drake seems to have good intentions. I could not tell him, what Drake is thinking about him, I don't want to put them further apart from each other, since I love them both so much.
I asked TT if I could sleep in his be, like I used to as a kid when I was afraid. He took me in his arms where I felt safe, as always, and fell asleep quickly.
Today I decided to finally confront
Shirel since I had a bad feeling about letting my brother depart with him whilst holding a grudge against him. I told him, that I have been left pregnant (not going more into details, since it's none of his business), and that I could not understand how a man could do that to a girl. He then explained his situation to me. I realized, that he isn't as bad as I thought... he told me that he was willing to go back to his home place and look after the girl (if she let him) and care for the child (if there actually is one). I'm not sure if he's going to gain my trust, but he seems to be on a good way here, and maybe I'm part of why he's doing it... so maybe, just maybe, there will be a good outcome from my situation fourteen years ago, well kind of...
Shirel also promised me to take good care and protect my brother and to contact me whenever something should happen to Trip.
Now the time has come to part ways. Drake and I are boarding very soon for our six day journey to Sedem Lux.
Saldri will go back to her family and study.
Gwenelle wants to stay in
Adanum to build up the
Wolfden again.
Yelena, Shirel, and Trip are going to first resolve Yelena's family issues on
Vrinn and later Shirel's family issues on Infernalis, whilst Trip will do further studies on all the magic he found here.
I'll miss all of them... well not to the same amount obviously...
Love, BB <3
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