It Takes Time <To Be Properly Taken Apart> - Chapter 39
Chapter 39
Chapter Length: 11,200~ wordsFirst Time, After So Much Time
Content Warning: This chapter contains moderately graphic depictions of sexually explicit activities; including descriptions of genitalia and interactions with them. The sex is also plot-critical, for which I apologise to any sex-repulsed readers. I've also decided to release this entire thing as one chapter rather than splitting it up, because I feel it flows better that way, even if it's really long. Future sex chapters will likely be handled the same way.
Raqi stared up at Punica; the plant smiling reassuringly back down at her. She had made up her mind now and was determined to do this, but she was still very, very anxious. However, previous experience had taught her that any anxiety level below 'panic attack' was in fact calm enough to get extremely horny, and now that she had dropped below that point, she was indeed starting to feel very flustered. She took a moment to reflect on the somewhat amusing contradiction of feeling both terrified and wanting to engage in reproductive behaviours at the same time; one part of her mind wanted her to turn and run from Punica as fast as she could, and the other one wanted to strip naked and - in her mind's own words - let herself get eaten. She genuinely did not know how that worked, but she supposed she had now achieved an understanding of how fear play was done. Eventually, however, the silence dragged on long enough that she decided she needed to say something. "O-okay. So, um... I guess I should... probably tell you where I like being touched before we do this." The moment the words 'like' and 'touched' exited her mouth, she could immediately feel the shame and embarrassment starting to creep back up again. She was going to have to fight to get through this, but with Punica here to help her, she knew it was a fight she could win. "That would be very helpful, yes," Punica nodded in agreement. The plant seemed to be putting in a great deal of effort to keep her rhythm relatively calm, which Raqi greatly appreciated. It was mostly /relaxed/ and /attentive/ at the moment, as opposed to something like /predatory/ that would probably have sent her back into a meltdown. "Before you do that, though, I wish to inform you of some details regarding how I plan on going about this." /calm-explanatory-unconcerned/ "Oh!" She was happy for any delay, even a minor one, that would give her more time before she had to start spilling horrifying details about what kinds of things she was into. "S-sure!" The plant nodded again. "To begin with: Given the anxieties that you have expressed, I think it is best if I do not complicate this situation any further by employing xenodrugs on you. Therefore, I will limit myself simply to playing with you while you are chemically sober, if that is alright." The reason Raqi could tell that Punica was managing her rhythm was the way that, for just a moment, it twitched at the word 'xenodrugs.' For just a fraction of a second, the rhythmic equivalent of catching Punica looking at her out of the corner of her eye, she felt the composition change to /Desire/ and /Arousal/, before immediately slipping back to its previous /relaxed/ and /attentive/. Being honest with herself, Raqi found it very, very hot. For all that it was also terrifying, it leaned more towards arousing, simply on account of how much she appreciated the direct confirmation of being wanted by her partner. It was the kind of thing she usually worried about - that whoever she was playing with was just doing it out of pity, or as a favour to her - and so having direct confirmation that Punica was doing this because she wanted to do it, rather than because Raqi was in any way forcing her, felt in that moment like a stronger aphrodisiac than any xenodrug could be. "Oh. Oh, yeah- that's totally fine. Probably for the best." A tiny part of her was still disappointed that Punica wasn't going to give her a class-A - she was very curious what getting played with while on one of those would feel like - but it was indeed probably a good idea to start out simple, given she'd never done this before. "I do, however, plan to make use of mild hypnotic language as part of the scene," Punica continued, and as she did, Raqi noticed a new emotion in her rhythm, one she had not heard before. Her brain instinctually labelled it as /enticing/; something akin to a more intentional version of /teasing/ that implied it was being done with an intention to follow up. "Both because I think it will help you to remain calm, and because I presume you will quite enjoy it." /confident-assertive-enticing/ Raqi's heartrate spontaneously doubled. "U-uhm. Y-yes. Please. Please do." Her voice lowered to a squeak, and before she could stop herself, she uttered: "M-maybe a bit more than m-mild?" Punica smiled, and her mouth opened ever so slightly. At the same time, her rhythm gained a new element: /Approval/. "I thought you might say that. Very well, then. I will refrain from putting you into such a deep trance that you cannot focus or respond to me, however; the purpose of which is in order to ensure that I can still poll you for feedback, to make sure I am not going too far and that you are happy with what I am doing." /explanatory-satisfied/ Raqi nodded eagerly. "That sounds good." A small frown appeared on her face. "Wait, uh- I just realised. This is all very... consensual, isn't it?" Punica tilted her head. "Yes. You sound surprised." /prompt-elaborate/ "I- Well, it's just- I thought affini don't really care about consent, as a concept?" "We do not consider consent to be an innate moral requirement for many actions in the way in which I presume that your culture does, no. However, we do recognise that it is sometimes - oftentimes, even; I would argue - beneficial for one reason or another to acquire it before proceeding with an action. In this case, I consider that having your consent for that which I intend to do to you is a requirement in order for this experience to be both pleasurable and safe; as without it, there would be a substantial risk of psychological harm to you. Therefore it is imperative that I acquire your consent before we proceed any further." /elaborative-informative/ "Oh! Okay, that makes a lot of sense." Part of her wanted to say something like 'but couldn't you just drug me to be okay with it and then not care about that?', and it took her a few moments to realise Punica's response would probably be to stare at her and go 'You have been asking me explicitly not to do that ever since we met each other.' She was still having a hard time processing the fact that this particular plant seemed willing to respect her subjectivity. "Carry on then." Punica nodded. "Last but not least: I will be keeping my biorhythms entirely separate for this. I expect there may well be a small amount of bleedover-" her voice turned momentarily serious, "and I cannot be certain that, as hard as I intend to try, I will fully succeed at keeping them apart." /informing-warning-cautioning/ Raqi nodded. "That's okay. I... think that should be fine?" She raised a hand. "I mean, the entire point of doing this was to test those new mental defences, so it probably only makes sense that you ought to let them come together a little bit. Just not too much or I'll get obliterated." "I suppose so, yes." The plant's voice was cautious, but she sounded convinced. It was just then that Raqi remembered something she had almost forgotten. "Oh, shit! Right. Okay..." She affixed Punica with her own much more serious look. "Okay, so. I know you've figured out some way to stop me from freaking out and using the Chimera module to attack you with when I get stressed out." Punica's rhythm radiated /surprise/ momentarily, but it quickly settled down. "I should not be surprised at this point that you noticed that. Yes, I have indeed learned to sense the ways in which your body tenses when you are 'reaching' for the module mentally. I experimented earlier today with using my rhythm to force you to relax those muscles whenever you tried to do so, and it seemed to be effective." /cautious-explanatory/ Raqi was in a rather unusual mental space, and so rather than anything sensible, she blurted out: "That's fucking hot." The crystals in the plant's eyes shimmered softly, and several flowers on her front bloomed. "...You really do like all of this, don't you?" /amusement-approval-pleasure/ A very large blush formed on Raqi's face, and she nodded with pursed lips. "Y-yeah. Quite a lot. ...Okay but anyway- As hot as it is that you can do that, um- I kind of want you to not do it. I know there's a good reason why you were, and I don't have a problem with you doing it earlier- but there's something else I want to do to address this." There was a surge of /curiosity/. "Oh? What do you have in mind?" Raqi took a deep breath. "Straessa. Remove administrator credentials from all existing user entries." A simulated voice that Punica had not heard in some time suddenly sputtered to life throughout the room. "Are you certain that you want to do this? This action will result in the removal of all administrator privileges for all users ship-wide. Privileges can only be restored via console." She didn't hesitate. "Confirm." "Acknowledged. Operation complete." Raqi looked up at Punica. "As of now, I can no longer use the Chimera module." "Raqi...!" Punica sounded concerned. "I understand why you did that; but you did not need to. You are leaving yourself completely defenseless around me. Are you certain that this is something you are comfortable doing?" /surprised-questioning-taken-aback/ The xenosophont nodded. "I am. I said that I trust you, and I mean it." She forced a smile onto her face. "I've chosen this path. It's time I properly committed to it." There could be no going back for her, now. The Chimera module had been her one lifeline - her one method of creating some degree of parity in physical force between her and the affini - and she had now relinquished it. With this, Raqi was placing her fate in Punica's hands, and trusting her to be careful with it. The thought had terrified her when it had first occurred when she had gone to get water, but she had eventually realised that, if she was going to go as far as to let Punica play with her like this, then the time had come to give up her way out. She had spent the first weeks of their relationship trying to keep the affini at arm's length, and it was now time to stop, and to let her in closer. Every single flower on Punica's body bloomed all at once. For a moment, she was filled with such an overwhelming sense of /Possessiveness/ and /Desire/ that she very nearly lurched forwards and took Raqi then and there; only the knowledge of how ironic such a thing would have been stopping her from doing so. After everything they had been through, the significance of Raqi giving up her one and only defence against her was not lost on Punica. This, she fully understood, was Raqi saying that she trusted her. In spite of everything that had happened, this xenosophont - whom should by all rights have wanted to get as far away as her from possible - was telling her that she trusted her not to hurt them, and not to overstep the boundaries which they had agreed upon. When she had finished reblooming that morning, Punica had been filled with doubt, and had not believed that she could meaningfully overcome her flaws. Now, though, she was committed to it. Mistakes had been made, but she had learned from them; and this time, by the Everbloom, she would do better. "Thank you, Raqi." Her voice was quiet, but radiated /Honoured/ as well as /Gratitude/. "I will do everything in my power to repay that trust." Even then, though, she could not fully purge her doubts. "I expect that, sometimes, I will make mistakes; but I promise you that I will always try to make them right." The landamaeri smiled up at her. "That's okay, you know. I don't need you to be perfect." Something about those words struck Punica straight in the core. She couldn't understand why, but for a moment, she felt like withering. She did not want to ruin the moment, however, and so sought to quickly change the topic. After nodding in acknowledgement, she posed a new question: "So. To return to an earlier topic: Whereabouts upon your body do you enjoy being touched?" /inquiring/ What tenderness remained in the atmosphere immediately vanished as Raqi went right back to being terminally embarrassed. "U-uh, s-s-so..." Oh Inos, explaining this is always so embarrassing. "F-for starters, I, uhm..." She tried to focus. This part isn't even weird. This is literally just pertinent information that nobody, even me, should be embarrassed of. "So, like- I know a lot of transfems hate it, but, I don't really mind having a dick. I don't get any dysphoria from it- despite what I said earlier, uh; to be clear, that was talking about other parts of my body and more just, it in general- but uh anyway- uh-" The look Punica was giving her right now was the exact, cardinal opposite of helping, and so she chose to concede defeat and break eye contact with her. "I-I like being t-touched there, q-quite a lot. I think, um- in terms of specifics, i-it's..." She half-grimace-half-pouted. "...it's, um, about the same in terms of sensory mappings as Terrans' ones are, I think. D-do not ask how I know that." "Ah." Punica's voice was radiating barely concealed /amusement/ and /smugness/. "So primarily sensitive around the spine, and conditionally at the tip to certain kinds of stimulation. I presume that the general sensitivity also increases in line with your state of physical arousal?" The incredibly casual way that Punica said all of that nearly sent Raqi's vision swimming again. "Y-y-y-yes." "Does your species experience a refractory period? I ask because not all xenosophonts - even ones with humanoid body plans - do have one." /interest-inquiry/ "Y-yeah, w-we do. Only people assigned male at birth, though, for the most part." "Similar to Terrans, then." She felt Punica nod. Now that she was more familiar with the affini's rhythm, she could actually feel the subtle disturbance that was reflected in her melody whenever she did that. "I presume from what you have said so far that you experience physical stimulation with gradually increasing intensity, which if continued for long enough eventually leads to orgasm?" /expecting-inquiry/ "Y-y-" Raqi nearly choked as she tried to answer. "Yes." Somehow, being asked incredibly basic questions like this about how her sexual functions worked was getting her ridiculously riled up. "W-wait, though: are there even other options for how that could end?" "There are, yes. There are some species whose reproductive organs require longer to function, and therefore their reward systems are geared towards longer-term copulation. In these cases, many of them do not experience orgasms, but instead remain in a state of moderate-to-extensive pleasure for however long it takes them to finish the process." /explanatory/ "O-oh." She blinked a bunch more times. "That... actually sounds really hot. And kind of like edging?" Punica's rhythm shifted, and another new emotion that Raqi had not yet encountered came to the surface: /Interest/. This one... Raqi didn't know how to describe this one, but she knew that it instilled within her a very strong desire to become as small as possible and stay very, very still. "I do not believe I am familiar with this term. Would you mind explaining it to me?" /Interest/ Oh fuck what have I done. Raqi realised she may just have made a terrible, terrible mistake, but she was too horny to back down. "Edging is, uh- W-well, basically, when we get close to orgasm, we can just kind of- slow down and not make ourselves go over it. If we stop g-getting, um, stimulated for a little bit, the level kind of goes back down and we, uh- c-can keep going that way." She pursed her lips again. "Normally, if you just go straight for an orgasm, it doesn't necessarily actually feel that good. Maybe if you're super duper horny, but otherwise it's just kind of whatever. If you wait for a while beforehand though, the end result tends to get proportionally, uh, stronger." "I see. How interesting." /????????/ The tone within which Punica spoke sent an enormous shiver down Raqi's spine. She once again could not identify the emotion being portrayed, but it was somehow even more terrifying than the last. Where Interest had compelled her to become as small as possible in an attempt to hide, this one made her feel as if the predator she was hiding from caught taken her in her sights, and there was now no possible way to escape, and all she could do was surrender and accept her fate. "I believe I have a sufficient understanding of your anatomy to work with for now. Thank you for providing me with that, Raqi." /appreciative-grateful/ "Ah, you're wel-" "Good girl." Raqi's entire body spasmed. She opened her mouth and let out half a dozen noises that stopped after the first syllable, turning and staring at Punica with an expression filled with indignant affront. It did absolutely nothing whatsoever to cow the affini, and in fact, only made the feeling of /Amusement/ and /desire/ radiating off of her even stronger. She didn't even bother to wait for Raqi to recover. "With that out of the way, do you possess any secondary erogenous zones?" /inquiring/ "Uhm..." Oh, fuck. This was the part where it got genuinely embarrassing. "M-my... my nipples. T-they're, um... v-very sensitive." Raqi had always been as into this fact as she was embarrassed about it. Nipple play was sort of an oddity among landamaeris; it was extremely normalised among transfems and other kinky types, but just barely 'out there' enough that she still felt a little nervous for liking it. "Ah, excellent. I was somewhat hoping your species also shared that trait with Terrans." /pleased/ Raqi's breath caught in her throat, and for a second, she thought she was going to just give up and start begging Punica to fuck her. For all that she had been more anxiety than arousal at the start of this negotiation, she now felt like she was practically all arousal and nothing else. She would have been shocked by the extent of the transformation, if she had enough brain capacity to think about it. "O-Other than that," she continued, "the insides of my thighs are, um, a bit sensitive... T-that's about it for actual erogenous zones, though." She then added: "Oh, but- If you're counting areas that aren't erogenous but feel good anyway, I think my back is on that list. And obviously my head, and uh, my neck- but you knew about the head one already. O-oh, uh- My ears... might be? I've, um, never actually had anyone touch them before. A lot of people I know have said theirs are; I don't think I'm lucky enough to have that trait, but I've always kind of hoped." "I could try touching them now, if you would like." /soft-enticing/ Raqi's pupils dilated. It wasn't the main thing she wanted, but she was not about to say no to any touch right now. "G-go ahead." The vine she was still holding onto shifted slightly, and the end of the tendril made its way up to her head and began brushing against her left ear. Raqi tensed up in anticipation, really hoping that it would in fact feel as good as she wanted it to- but was disappointed when it felt only marginally better than some other parts of her body. It produced an interesting sensory effect to do with the sound it made, but that was about it. "Augh," she pouted, "it's alright. Not as good as I was hoping. Not terrible either, though." "I could fix that with some class-A's," Punica intoned mildly. Raqi's head immediately spun around to look at her, in a manner that she couldn't help but think resembled an animal that had just heard food was being served up. A flare of /Amusement/ suggested Punica had probably also made a similar comparison. "But not right now. As I said earlier; I will not be using any drugs this time." Her tone made it clear that she would very likely have broken this prohibition, if she didn't find not doing so to be funnier. To Raqi's equal frustration and arousal, she could see why it would indeed be funnier not to. "Fine. Anyway, that's everything, I think." Punica found that there was something delightful about the way Raqi was working hard to remain casual and in-control of herself, when the affini could directly feel how elevated all of her body's natural processes were at that moment. Her temperature had gone up by several degrees, to the point where she was on the verge of sweating, and she still hadn't completely stopped trembling. The blush in her cheeks was also now essentially a permanent fixture, and she very much enjoyed the way the girl's breathing hitched, slowed, or sped up any time she said or did something that the xeno found exciting. "Well, then," Punica said, carefully controlling the pitch and tempo of her voice to sculpt her voice in a way that she knew would rile Raqi up even further. "If that is the case, shall we get started?" Raqi's breath caught yet again. There was another moment of hesitation. Was she really, actually going to do this? The nervousness that had disappeared was now back at full force with the thought of taking her clothes off. She instinctively scrambled for some other way to delay, and a thought popped into her mind: "Oh, uh- We should probably go back to my room. Doing it here would be, uhm-" She glanced down at all the dirt still on the floor, then back up at Punica. "Ah, yes." The affini immediately rose back up to her feet. "That is a very good point." /agreement/ Raqi made to follow her, but almost fell over in the process. She was so turned on that she was having trouble walking. Noticing this, the plant spoke thus: "You are looking quite uneasy on your feet, there. I think it may be better if I carried you." /statement/ Raqi noticed the lack of any question mark in Punica's tone at exactly the same time that she felt vines curling around her arms, legs, and torso. A moment later, she was swept her off her feet with much more strength than usual, and whisked over to Punica's main body; where she was then pressed against her bosom at an angle that made it look very much as if she was being bridal carried. Raqi was starting to run out of physiological reactions to being teased and was now having to resort to the more embarrassing ones; such as in this case, letting out a small frustrated whine. It took an enormous amount of restraint for Punica not to begin petting her with a vine after hearing the sound. By the Everbloom, she is so adorable like this. I... Mmm. She could feel her core tying itself up in knots again. It was similar to how she had felt the first time she had unsynched her rhythms, but not quite the same. Her connection then with Raqi had not been at all sexual in nature; both desire and yearning had been present in it, but they had been of a separate type. The emotions that both she and her xenosophont were feeling right now, on the other hand, were of a decidedly more carnal nature. For all that she kept having urges to dote on and-or inject Raqi, Punica was intrigued to notice how much more manageable they felt than those she had contended with prior to now. Now that she had a concrete plan in mind for what she intended to do with Raqi, she was not struggling nearly as much to stick to it. It seemed to be much easier to convince herself to simply not overstep her boundaries than it was to refrain from doing anything at all. She was suddenly reminded of the way that certain Accord subcultures had taught abstinence as their primary form of sexual education, then seemingly been shocked when it failed to work time and time again. It seemed to her that trying to deny biological urges outright, rather than finding safe and healthy ways to indulge in them as she and Raqi were now doing, did not appear to be a good strategy. Reflections on the management of desire aside, it did not take them long to arrive back at Raqi's room. Punica made the executive decision to eschew human walking; not wanting to tease Raqi too much by being overly slow. Disassembling her lower humanoid half to travel as a free-flowing mass of vines and tendrils made mobility much easier, and it took half a minute at most to arrive back at the girl's room. Once there, she gently deposited Raqi down onto her bed, reforming her lower half and sitting down on the lower end of it, allowing her some space for the time being. On Raqi's end, the trip to her room and subsequent act of being deposited on her bed seemed to have been what finally convinced her brain that this was, in fact, really happening. The vanquished nervousness had returned in force, and her vision was swimming once again. At the same time, however, she was reaching levels of arousal so intense that her normal inhibitions were dissolving like melting wax, and her brain had started acting in decidedly uncharacteristic ways. One of these was that she had spent the half-minute journey to her room staring at one of Punica's vines, and had found herself imagining what it might be like to suckle on it. F-fuck, I don't even normally imagine stuff like th-this. H-how horny am I right now? Horny enough to look up at Punica and finally ask the big question: "S-s-so, um... I-I guess I should take my clothes off, now?" "That would certainly make touching you easier," Punica replied without missing a beat, her voice dripping /amusement/. Raqi wasn't sure if she was imagining it or not, but all of the flowers on Punica's body seemed to have opened up more. A lot of them had shown bits of what she thought were pollen when the affini had first rebloomed, but now they were virtually all covered in it. She couldn't remember if it had been like that before. Her eyes flicked up for just a moment to Punica's- then instantly away again. She knew that if she spent even a full second staring at either of the mesmerising rainbow orbs that she wasn't going to be able to look away from them. They were bad enough when she was sober, and with the amount of conditioning she'd done to herself to associate arousal with trance states- She bit her lip to stop that thought process. Fffuuuuuccckk. Moving from biting to gnawing, she took in a deep breath, and then surrendered to her fate. Slowly, she took hold of her trousers and began sliding them down, moving next to removing her dress once she was finished. She partly wished Punica had volunteered to help her undress; she didn't think she would actually have minded in this case, and it would have been a lot easier than doing it herself. But the embarrassment of having to slowly and clumsily do it herself added to the experience somewhat, and by the time her shirt was off, the edges of her awareness had turned completely spiky. She wasn't wearing a bra - there was no point given how small her breasts were - and so the only thing left to take off was her underwear. She risked a glance up at Punica, and- The plant was staring at her with its mouth partially open, eyes flickering with multicoloured light while rivulets of what could have been either saliva or drugs ran down a maw of spiked teeth. She looked, in that moment, to be almost entranced herself; her gaze not even moving to meet Raqi's, the centre of her eyes instead seeming to be flicking over areas of exposed skin. The sight should have been utterly terrifying, but instead, Raqi found herself transfixed. She froze in place, eyes locked on the sight, completely unable to continue undressing herself. Eventually, Punica noticed that the xenosophont had stopped moving, and finally became aware of what she had been doing. She quickly closed her mouth and relaxed the muscles that caused the colours in her eyes to fluctuate, turning her focus back to Raqi's face. "Ah- My apologies, petal, for that display. I was-" She was now finding it a little hard to talk, to her surprise. "-distracted, momentarily, by looking at you. You are in no danger, I assure you. Although I may have looked like it, I was not considering doing anything." /apologetic-embarrassed/ She had not been considering actually doing anything, but she had very much been imagining doing it. This was enough to break Raqi out of her trance, and the girl quickly nodded. "Y-y-yeah. Uhm-" Some of Punica's vines squirmed with embarrassment. She really needed Raqi to be more comfortable than this, if what she was planning was to work. "You are quite safe, dear. Please try a bit to relax, if you can. I apologise for riling you up overmuch." Deciding to cheat a little bit, she let a small pulse of her rhythm wash over the girl in a wave of calm, and was pleased when she immediately started to relax. She intended to honour her promise not to use her rhythm (much) once the two had actually started, but using it to correct her own over-eagerness she felt was fair game. "Yeah, yeah- okay. Sorry, I just, uhm-" Raqi took another deep breath. "I-it's- it's kind of very hard to- to stay cognizant like this." "I understand fully. States of heightened physiological arousal can be very mentally debilitating in a number of species. Yours is not alone in that regard." /understanding-empathetic/ The way Raqi bit her lip after hearing Punica speak almost had the affini opening her mouth again, but she managed to fight down the urge. Thereafter, Raqi realised that it was time. She wasn't going to be able to stay sane like this for much longer, and she needed to hurry up and let Punica start touching her or the pressure that had been building up for the last half hour was going to become unbearable. She glanced down at her midsection to find that, entirely unsurprisingly, she was already completely hard- and in fact, to her very severe and prompt embarrassment, dripping. There was a noticeable wet stain on the portion of her underwear which her tip was pressing against, and she had no doubt that Punica had noticed it as well. Fuck. There really was no going back now. Closing her eyes, she slipped her fingers under her underpants and pulled them down. Punica - to her immense gratitude - did not seem to have visibly reacted to the change when she opened her eyes again a few seconds later. She was still staring expectantly at Raqi, her rhythm radiating a feeling of /patience/ and /waiting-for-permission/. "I-" Raqi swallowed. "I-I'm scared. O-once we start, c-can you... c-can you be in charge, please?" Punica nodded. "I was intending on it." /affirmative/ This, it seemed, counted as permission for Punica- for as Raqi watched, a single vine began to slowly snake its way across the bed towards her, moving very slowly; enough that she could easily have moved away if she had wanted to. To her surprise, however, it diverted course before touching any part of her, and continued until it had made its way to her right hand; then wrapped itself around the hand. "Do you remember what we agreed before?" Punica asked. "Squeeze if it becomes too much, and I will slow down." "A-ah." Raqi nodded. "W-what if... I- I might end up squeezing it j-just... reflexively, if it, um- if it f-f-feels too good." She saw a faint smile form on Punica's face. "I have gotten used enough to your biorhythm that I believe I will be able to tell the difference." /reassuring/ She nodded again. "O-okay." There could be no possible ambiguity about the destination of the second vine that Punica sent outwards, as it too began making its way slowly down the bed. Despite Punica's attempts to calm her, Raqi found herself frozen with fear as she watched the appendage slowly approach her. Part of her mind was still convinced that its touch would somehow destroy her; that the moment it made contact with her most sensitive area, she would die instantly, or be thrown into the worst imaginable agony and go completely insane. In the end, the fear became too much for her, and she shut her eyes tightly, turning her attention as far away from her body as she could in the hopes that maybe she could make herself not feel it- There was a light touch against the base of her shaft. It made her jump, but she fell still again a moment later. The feeling gradually spread to other parts of her skin, the vine seeming to wrap its way progressively further and further around her length rather than simply moving upwards. It was tolerable at first- that part of skin wasn't too sensitive- but Raqi knew the moment it got higher up- She felt it brush against the edge of where she was the most sensitive. She tensed, overcome by the fear of what would happen next- The vine brushed against the most sensitive part of her body, and... ...it didn't hurt? There was a moment where everything seemed to fall still. Her awareness of the actual feeling of being touched was pushed to the background, as she was overcome by shock at the fact that being touched there had not instantly obliterated her consciousness. It lasted for around a second and a half, and then she opened her eyes again, staring down between her legs to check that Punica was in fact touching her and that she hadn't just imagined it. What she saw there confirmed it: Wrapped around her cock was a single slender green vine, no different from any of the rest of Punica's. She was incredibly confused by the sight; how come it was so not-overwhelming? She had expected the sensation to be unbearable; everyone she had spoken to who had had actual sex in real life had always made it out to be such a major thing, but this- It really, in all honesty, did not feel that good. Sure, it was a little sensitive- she certainly didn't dislike the way Punica's vine was touching her, but it wasn't anything to write home abo- "Hn!" A tiny noise escaped Raqi's mouth. The tip of the vine moved, and the rest of it squirmed at the same time, and all of a sudden, it did feel good. It was taking a few seconds, but gradually, her dick was starting to get more sensitive. It still mostly just felt squishy and a little bit weird- the vine or her, she wasn't sure which- but it actually was starting to get kind of nice. She heard a noise emanate from Punica, and momentarily turned her gaze up to meet the plant's. Punica's humanoid form was remaining mostly motionless, and she smiled warmly down at Raqi. "How are you feeling so far? /encouraging-reassuring/" Raqi hesitated for a moment before responding. "I-it's... g-good? I think?" She was struggling to get over just how similar it felt, right now at least, to masturbation. From the way ch'ikan talked about sex, she had always gotten the impression it was supposed to be some mythical, near-religious experience. Oh, fucking hell. Did they oversell me on yet *another* thing? She sucked in a breath. "It- it's actually not- hhn- that bad at all. I can mostly think fine like this." "That's very good, dear. You are doing wonderfully so far." /praise-genuine/ Punica's words of praise sent a warm wave of arousal through Raqi's body that had the added effect of making her cock twitch involuntarily. All of a sudden, the touches she was receiving felt much better than they had been; as if being told that she was doing a good job had convinced her body to feel good where simply being touched had not. The rest of her body had remained largely still until now, but at this, she started to buck her hips ever so slightly into Punica's touches; each tiny spark of pleasure now serving to reinforce the feeling of praise that had been planted in her. Without even really meaning to, she had sucked her lower lip even further into her mouth, and was now gnawing on it in an attempt to regulate herself. A moment later, she was surprised when she felt something unseen press against her head. Without her noticing, Punica had reached out with one arm and cupped her hand around Raqi's head. A finger started to run through her hair and- "Mhhhmnn." Raqi could not stop herself from moaning. The touch on her head suddenly felt better than it usually did, and it somehow served to amplify the pleasure between her legs as well. "A-ah..." She heard what sounded like a soft laugh from Punica, and turned to look at her. "Try to stay focused if you can, dear. It would be useful for me if you could tell me how this is making you feel." /soft-encouragement-pleased/ Raqi's mind was starting to feel like it was floating. Words came unbidden into her mind, vocalisations she desired to make; but was too embarrassed to even think herself, let alone say. So it was that they were murmured in a voice not quite her own, so that she need not be held responsible for what it might have to say- Oh...
It feels...
really good now... All of a sudden, the experience had transformed completely. Having the hand wrapped around her head was making the feelings between her legs take on a completely different character, and she suddenly felt decidedly more sensitive. Most of it, she noticed, seemed to be linked to Punica's voice. Raqi had known for a long time that she had a voice kink, and so it wasn't surprising that the affini's multi-layered voice that bordered on having spellbinding properties was what was doing most of the heavy lifting here. It's...
Ah...
It's really nice... She struggled to try and verbalise a response. Her mind felt- the pleasure had finally gotten distracting. It was, as usual, getting stronger the longer it went on, and it was now at the point that it was making it slightly hard to focus. "I-it's- I don't- I don't know exactly." The rest of her awareness felt so strange. Everything felt almost claustrophobic, but not in a bad way. It was like there wasn't enough of her awareness to go around, and what little there was was being directed primarily towards her sense of touch, and diverted from whatever processes were responsible for generating thoughts. "It- it's g-good. Feels- Feels g-good." "That's excellent. Would you say, then, that it isn't as scary as you thought?" /prompting/ She nodded. That much, she could answer easily. "Y-yeah. Definitely n-not." "Mhm." The plant's fingers continued to run gently through her hair, their movements noticeably desynchronized from the vine that was between her legs. Raqi assumed that could only be intentional; she knew that if they had been synchronized she would have dropped like a rock to it, and Punica seemed to want to avoid having that happen. Why is it...? Why does it...
I'm... It's hard to think... "It does... actually feel, kind of nice," Raqi spoke. She was finding that, as Punica continued, the remaining anxiety she had been feeling was rapidly dissolving. The pleasure was having what she could only describe as a kind of sedative effect on her. The burning need she had felt earlier that had been making her so very wound up had suddenly abated, and the feeling by contrast was almost peaceful. It was decidedly odd; she couldn't tell if this was actually relaxing her somehow, or if it was just the contrast that felt... Fuck, fuck... The way she's touching me...
Why is it... making me so... so sleepy?
It's... so good... No, there definitely was something to it. It really was making her feel bizarrely pacified. As she looked at Punica, she realised that it was becoming harder and harder to actually think; and there was a steadily rising urge in the back of her mind that told her to just lay back and focus on the sensations. It was tempting to just give in to it- "Try to remain focused, Raqi," Punica spoke. /instructing/ Raqi blinked, and the feeling receded. Punica's voice was incredibly easy to focus on; it was somehow still the strongest piece of sensory information being provided to her, even in this situation. "I know how tempting it must be to let yourself succumb to this, but I would prefer it if you could try and stay aware for now." /firm/ "Wh-" Embarrassment suddenly flooded Raqi's body. "H-how do you know that?!" Punica smirked at her. "I can feel your every bodily process, Raqi. Do you not think I can tell when you are going into trance?" /amused-teasing/ She let out a kind of 'keh' noise. "I- I don't even know why it's happening. Y-you're not hypnotising me or anything. It's just... d-doing that." "It makes perfect sense. Xenosophont species commonly have very strong psychological reactions in response to intimate physical stimulation. The purpose of these is, in essence, to pacify them and to ensure that they continue engaging in the biologically-incentivized reproductive activity." /unconcerned-explanatory/ ohfuckohfuckohfuck- "W-what? That- That's-" It made perfect sense, but it also made her head swim. "I... fuck, okay... that's kind of hot..." Wanna get pacified wanna get pacified wanna get pacified- Punica let out another soft laugh. "Focus, Raqi." /gentle-reminding/ She let out a half-groan half-hiss. "Y-yes!" The pleasure was still at a fairly low level- her meds had meant that it took a while for it to actually build up ever since she had gone on HRT- but it was already at a point where it was seriously impacting her ability to focus. It wasn't more than she could manage for now, though, and so she tried her best to remain clear-headed so she could keep talking to Punica. "Now. Would you mind telling me what it is in particular that had you worried about this experience?" /inquiring/ Raqi let out a small noise. It should have been uncomfortable to be asked about such things while literally being fucked, but possibly for that exact reason, she didn't actually mind. "It's mostly ju-uh-st- dysphoria stuff. I..." This part was still a bit hard to say, and she found herself hesitating. "I worry that I'll look stupid when I'm, uhm... being pleasured. I can't- It's hard to control my facial expressions like this. I normally- hh- hhn- work hard to make myself look feminine, by like, k- keeping my brow held up and stuff, but it's- it's hard to- to keep doing that like... thissss..." She nearly lost cohesion completely as Punica's tendril moved over a particularly sensitive spot, and her gaze went unfocused momentarily. The resultant noise that it evoked, however, gave her another point from which to continue off of. "M-my voice, as well... I... I worry a lot ah-bout how I'll sound when I- hhhhnnnn. D-do that." She bit her lip, this time more from discomfort than pleasure. "It's- it takes a lot of focus to- to do this voice. I... I don't wanna end up ruining things by accidentally sounding masc while I'm g-getting fucked." It was something which Raqi was very scared of. She knew that attraction had a very physical, animal quality to it, and if she switched from her smooth androgynous voice which most people seemed to react to like it was some kind of drug back to her ugly, gruff, masculine sounding one, then she wouldn't be able to blame anyone for getting turned off mid-way through fucking her. For that reason, she could never fully relax no matter what scene she was in, because she had to try and keep up a feminine appearance all throughout to avoid spoiling it for the other person. "Mmm, I see." To her surprise, Punica's tone barely seemed to change as she spoke. The tendril kept moving up and down and around her shaft- she had been kind of intentionally not paying too much attention to the movements, because they were more than a little bit hypnotic, especially on such a sensitive area, and she knew that if she got too lost in focusing on them she was going to forget everything else. "Perhaps it might be helpful if I were to explain my perspective on this matter?" /offering/ "Huh?" Raqi was temporarily drawn out of her encroaching stupor by a sense of curiosity. "What do you mean?" "Well." The movement of Punica's fingers through her hair subtly shifted, starting to become tuned to the words she spoke. "From the concerns you have expressed, I can deduce that Landamaeri society seems to have been very highly gendered. Part of that, it appears, is that you have certain expectations about how a member of your chosen gender ought to perform and behave during sexual encounters." /statement-prompt-respond/ "Y-yeah," Raqi nodded. "That's right. Girls are generally expected to be more submissive, and boys are dominant. That's stupid and I don't believe in that at all, but..." "...but there's more to it than that, isn't there?" Punica finished for her, tone /expectant/. She nodded again. "Y-yes. I... I need to try and make myself look cute, and- and feminine. Independently from my role, I... That's what I associate with being a girl." "So in essence," Punica's fingers stopped moving for a moment, "you are saying that you view your womanhood as conditional." /statement/ Raqi froze. The vine between her legs stopped moving at the same time, as if it was giving her a moment to process what had just been said. She stared off into the distance for a moment. "...Yes. If I don't sound like a girl, and look like a girl... then I don't get to be one. That's... how it worked back home." The moment she had finished speaking, the vine started moving again. The sudden resumption of stimulation made her let out a surprised 'ah!', and she found herself quickly moving back to biting her lip. "I had suspected as much for some time now. This, I presume, is why you are so concerned about being seen without clothes on as well? Because in your mind, your form does not match the way you perceive yourself." /prompt-respond/ Raqi was surprised at just how well Punica was getting it. "Y-yeah, that's- that's pretty much exactly it." She was also somewhat surprised at how lucid she still was. Punica was only working her very, very slowly, so the pleasure still hadn't built up that much yet. It was honestly a lot more like getting slowly teased than actually fucked- not that she minded in the slightest; if anything, she preferred it that way. "Mhm. This makes sense. But as I said earlier: I have my own perspective on the matter, one which is shared by most affini as a whole." /unconcerned/ Raqi felt her curiosity sparking again. "Y-yeah?" The petting on her head abruptly resumed, and she let out a small purr. "In the first place," Punica began, "we affini do not naturally observe gender. I myself only appear what you would call 'female' in order to make the Terrans whom I frequently encountered on the Longbough feel more comfortable, and both my pronouns and identity as a woman are a part of that. In the same vein, affini do not have traditional reproductive organs or erogenous zones the way that you do. The closest thing we come to them would be our injectors: we commonly experience a sort of 'itching' to use them on xenosophonts- which I suppose could be described as our equivalent of being aroused. When we do actually use them, it provides us with a great deal of rewarding stimuli, which serves much the same effect as sexual pleasure does for species like yours." /informative-explanatory/ "H-h-h-huh." This explanation was sending shivers through Raqi's body. "S-so basically, y-your bodies are hardwired t-to make you feel good when you drug other p-people?" "Correct. Beyond that, this method of attraction also has one significant difference from that traditionally experienced by species which reproduce sexually. Can you guess what it is, Raqi?" /prompt-answer/ Raqi hesitated. It was really hard to think of something complicated like that while she was... having this done to her. She put everything she had into focusing, trying to ignore the insistent pull of sensation between her legs to come up with an answer to the question. "S-since you don't have genders or sexes... oh! Your attraction- it's not based on sex-" It clicked. "Then it can't really be based on physical characteristics, can it?" She felt a wave of /Pride-Approval/ surge outwards from Punica, and she was totally unable to stop her back from arching in response to it. "Good girl; that is correct. We affini do not experience physical attraction in the sense that you conceptualise it. I find your body to be appealing to me, but the parts of it which appeal to me are almost entirely different to those which your eyes would be drawn to. For example-" Punica took a vine, and began drawing the tip of it down Raqi's inner thigh. "I am compelled to trace the curvature of your veins and arteries, as well as to observe the distance between skin, muscle, and bone in your various body parts. I have a particular preference for areas with easy access to veins, where there are also not too many nerves, and there is a reasonable distance between the skin and muscle." /calm-unconcerned/ "Wh-" What Punica said shocked Raqi into temporary awareness, by virtue of being fucking weird. "Why?" The plant's lips curled upwards. "Because those are the best places to inject you." /?????????/ Raqi's heart skipped a beat. "Oh." Now that she said it, that made perfect sense; and was also incredibly hot. The fact that Punica's entire sense of attraction was apparently based on how best to drug Raqi was... She bit down much harder on her lip. "As an extension of this," the plant continued, "it also means that I do not intrinsically perceive masculinity or femininity in your physical features. I have learned how to see them, on account of my exposure to Terrans; but it is very much an acquired habit rather than something innate to me." /explanatory-pleased/ Raqi hesitated for a moment. "Does... does that mean you don't care what I look like?" It was a loaded question, born of a momentary flare-up of insecurity. Fortunately, Punica could feel that, and responded accordingly. "For my own purposes? No, I do not. However, I do wish for you to look whatever way you perceive as being the most representative of your inner self. Although any potential change in your appearance beyond the aforementioned qualities pertaining to vein availability would only potentially be enticing to me on an aesthetic level, I believe that I would find the behaviours you exhibited were you happier with your appearance to be very attractive." /smug-amused/ Raqi suddenly felt very small, and very vulnerable, in a very good way. She had been certain that Punica was going to fall flat in response to that question and give either a simple 'of course not' or something else that would've invalidated her own desire to feel pretty, but somehow, the affini had crafted a virtually perfect response. The small flare-up of anxiety was quashed completely, and Raqi's voice as she spoke next was purely curious, and not at all afraid. "So, i-if not for my- hhn- appearance, then- what is it that makes you attracted to me? I- ahh- realise I don't actually know much about what m-makes affini like- specific xenosophonts in-n general. And- and also- what d-do you actually get out of- out of doing this to me? If all your r-reward systems are based on d-hhh-rugging- then isn't this boring for you?" The plant raised an eyebrow. "Do I seem bored to you? My apologies. I must not be making my enjoyment clear enough." Raqi didn't have time to make sense of the emotions in Punica's voice, before suddenly, the movements between her legs intensified; the vine coiling around her full length and starting to massage almost her entire shaft at once. The abrupt increase in pleasure was massively overstimulating, and Raqi couldn't hold her voice back as she started to moan and hitch bodily. It stopped only a few seconds later though, the vine uncoiling and returning to its previous slow teasing. "F-fuck!" Raqi whimpered, her right hand tightening around the vine Punica had left there, in a way that she hoped the affini would interpret as the enthusiasm it was. "W-what the... that felt... hhh..." She glanced up at Punica, and the moment she did, she was hit with a wave of /Amusement-predatory/. "To give you a more detailed answer: Drugging is not my only source of reward stimuli, it is merely my primary and most strongly-incentivized one. Affini are engineered to have a wide variety of other incentives; one of which is inducing pleasure in other xenosophonts." She leaned in just a little bit closer. "Seeing you moan, squirm, and twitch for me is something which I find very gratifying. I am therefore highly invested in performing whatever behaviours is it that evoke those responses in you." /explanatory-desire-predatory/ "Hhh-fuck-" All of a sudden, the level of stimulation had completely changed. The way Punica was touching her hadn't, but she was just much hornier and more sensitive now. Everything she was saying was hitting all of Raqi's buttons; some of which she hadn't even known she had. Her brain was finally starting to melt, and she could feel her eyes going glassy as she kept staring up at the plant. The plant noticed this, and decided that now was a good time to keep talking. "As for your other questions: Every affini is attracted to different qualities, but the vast majority of these are behavioural or emotional rather than physical. A simple way to put it would be to say that we are attracted to xenosophonts for who they are, rather than for what they look like. In your case, it is very much you that I like. I find your body rather pleasing in a variety of ways, but it is ultimately what it serves as a vessel for that I am drawn to." She stopped petting Raqi for a moment, and moved instead to cup her cheek with one hand. "So long as you remain yourself, I will continue to remain attracted to you; no matter what form you might one day take." /genuineness-desire-possessiveness/ Raqi's heart was now what was melting. All of a sudden, some switch flicked in her brain, and she completely stopped resisting. A dazed smile made its way onto her face, and a series of low, guttural noises started to emanate out from her; sounding absolutely nothing like the practised moans she had been making up until now. Punica's lips curled upwards once more, and this time, she made no attempt to stop herself from grinning openly. This was what she had been waiting for, and now, the real fun could begin. "One part of what I like about your body," she said, finally starting to allow the movements of her hand and the vine between Raqi's legs to start synchronising, "is the tools which it provides me with which to make you feel pleasure." She gestured with her other hand towards Raqi's cock. "I'm sure that you have complicated feelings about this piece of anatomy, Raqi. It is only understandable; many xenosophonts do about their own equivalent parts. Undomesticated cultures are prone to ascribing great amounts of meaning to certain areas of their bodies, on account of the unusual ways in which they make them feel, and the desires which come attached to those feelings. But to me?" She unwound the vine from around Raqi's length and pulled it away. She observed the immediate shift in the girl's expression; the disappointment and discomfort that came from the sudden lack of fulfillment of her body's needs. Had she allowed it to last, the emotion would likely have torn through Punica's core like an antimatter round, but in this case, it was a necessary part of what she wanted to illustrate. She allowed it to linger for just under three seconds - long enough to allow it to saturate Raqi's presence, but not long enough to become genuinely unpleasant - before moving her hand not on the xeno's head forwards and wrapping her fingers around the appendage. She watched with delight as Raqi's eyes went wide again, and her gaze fixated on the affini's hand while her rhythm sung <anticipation; desire; need>. Without waiting another moment, Punica began to slowly stroke Raqi up and down. Her fingers were too large to do it properly, but this was no impediment. She simply disassembled them at the ends into their component vines, and began touching Raqi with almost a hundred individual vines all at once. The look on the xeno's face as she did so was utterly delectable. Her composure disintegrated in an instant; her eyes unfocused, her brow furrowed, and she let out a sound that could almost have passed for a cry of pain if Punica did not know better. "This," Punica finally continued, "is nothing more than a tool which I can use to induce sensation in you." She allowed her rhythm to flood into her voice, intent on making sure Raqi felt every word that she spoke. "It may hold other biological purposes, but the only one with any significance in my eyes is its function in making you feel pleasure." "What I want out of this, Raqi, is for you to feel good. And I will use whatever tools I have available to achieve that result. To that end, your body is merely a conduit for me to interact with your consciousness. It is the 'you' in there- the one contained within this vessel- that I am engaging with, and your corporeal body is simply an intermediary that I am using to do so. In that regard, there is little practical difference between whether I make you feel good by drugging you, or by touching your body in such a way that it drugs you for me. The end result is the same." Raqi was completely gone. The world had dissolved into a haze of need, heat, desire, and thought-obliterating happiness. She couldn't remember anything about why she had been afraid of this. She couldn't remember any of the extraneous details about her relationship with Punica. She didn't care either. This was the happiest she had ever been in her life and she had never loved anything more than this. The only thing in the entire world that she wanted was for Punica to keep touching her. If it meant she got domesticated, she didn't care even one bit. She would trade everything in the entire universe for her plant to keep going until she came right now. And then she felt two more tendrils begin brushing softly against the peaks of her nipples, and all of a sudden, the most intoxicating pleasure she had felt in her life suddenly became something that threatened to annihilate her consciousness entirely and reduce her into something barely beyond the awareness she had been when Punica had subjected her to her unsuppressed biorhythm. It felt good. It felt too good. It was so much, it was too much. Her mind was trembling- she couldn't see properly, she couldn't get her eyes to focus- her body was spasming, she- she felt so much pressure inside of her- it was too much it was too much it was too much she was going to explode it had to come out it had to she was going she it it she the it the she she she "Now: Cum, pet." The sound that emerged from Raqi was half-way between a scream and a cry. Her hips bucked into the air as both of her hands squeezed down as hard as they could, fingernails digging into soft vine while another dragged against the bed. Her toes curled reflexively, and for a second, she genuinely thought she was going to cease to exist. Her vision went completely white and she lost track of everything, as the world was consumed in starbursts and fireworks; the single strongest sensation she had ever felt in her life. It lasted for only a few seconds, but those few seconds were long enough to leave her completely and utterly exhausted afterwards. Once her orgasm was finished, she slumped immediately backwards into the bed, eyes glazing over as noise after noise of delight escaped from her. Every breath was a half-moan, the aftershocks of pleasure still remaining long after her climax was gone. Her body felt like gelatin; every muscle was completely relaxed and incapable of even the smallest movement, and there was a sensation of weight pressing down on her mind that made her feel so wonderfully lazy and warm. It was, in a word, perfect. For the first time that she could remember, her body actually felt right. It felt the way that it was supposed to feel; that she had always wanted for it to feel for as long as she had understood the way landamaeris forms were supposed to interact with intimacy. It had never felt right before, but now, finally, it did. She lay there for probably half a minute with nary a thought in her head. When she did finally recover enough to have low-level thoughts, the first one she became aware of was a desire for closeness. She squeezed on the vine still left in her hand, pressing outwards with her mind, and hoping desperately that Punica would understand. To her everlasting gratitude, the plant did; and a moment later, her entire body was wrapped in a floral embrace that felt almost better than the climax had. She felt all of a sudden as if she was back in the heartwood grove, surrounded by hay and straw and completely, utterly safe. She floated in a sea of sensation devoid of words for quite some time. When some more of her mind started to come back, she realised something very important. As she pressed her face closer into the vine that was rubbing against it, she realised that she loved Punica. If this, right now, was what domestication was, then she had no possible reason to fear it. This was perfection. How could anyone ever not want this? How could anyone ever want anything other than-
Ehhhhhh...
Okay, that was true. Even in this delirious state, she remembered that it was important she not say things like that. There were other things to life; perhaps none as good as this, but they were important in their own right. It wouldn't do for this to become the only thing she ever did.
"Punica," she murmured.
"Yes, petal?" The voice was like a warm blanket, and it was almost enough to lull her back into her trance.
"I... like this... s-so much..." It came out as a whimper. "But... not... all of the time."
It was the best she could do. If Punica didn't respect it, there was nothing she would be able to do about it; and honestly, she doubted she'd care for more than half a minute at most.
A thumb brushed through the feathers on her head. "I understand, Raqi." /love/
She didn't need to hear any more than that. She relaxed further into the bed, allowing herself to be soothed by the petting.
Her eyes fell closed, and she knew it wouldn't be long until she drifted off. For once, it would actually be in both the right place, and a relatively sensible situation. The thought amused her.
But there was also one other thing that she couldn't help but think.
I finally found them, she thought. The one I was looking for.
Then, she fell asleep.
A L E R T : : t h o u g h t f o r m s_d e t e c t e d
I D : : Attractivity Conditioning :: the nature of pleasure ::Book 2
withering away :: The Prism System :: Intoxicants :: Plurality :: please believe me :: Landamaeri Domestication Guide :: Hypnotic Centres :: The Domestication Initiative :: Affini Maturity :: bullying :: Memory Maker :: chronic fatigue syndrome :: Uplifting :: lingo :: optimisation :: Digitisation :: Iterations of the Self :: Conflict :: eat :: Grooming ::
Book 1
TerraTranslate :: Raqi Marr :: Punica Granatum :: The Affini Compact :: Landamar Mobile Fleet :: Hormone Replacement Therapy :: The Chimera Module :: Affini :: Intersidera :: Posters :: Magnesium :: Wonderland :: The Hundredth Time: Part I :: Communication :: aftermath :: Physical Confrontation :: Garments :: Interspecies Comparisons :: Touch :: Equality :: Hypnokink :: Speaking :: ahftrojn,lpijmnhfkg :: Pretheya :: Magic :: scared :: Materas Marr ::
Author's Note: So, I actually have some kind of funny feelings about this chapter. When I wrote it, it made perfect sense to me. It felt like a natural way for Raqi to react in this situation, it made sense in the flow of the story, and it was just really good overall. I still think it's really damn good- I'd rewrite it otherwise- but one thing stuck with me. When I started writing ITT, I had really bad gender dysphoria. You could see that in Raqi being ultra shy about her body in book 1 when Punica first undresses her.
In the time since now and then, though, I went on duloxetine (an SNRI antidepressant, for those who don't know) and it... kind of completely rewired my brain? Part of that is that I don't have any dysphoria at all any more and can't even remember feeling any now. The thing in particular that I'm thinking of is: Six months ago, shortly after writing the draft 1 equivalent of this scene, I had sex for the first time in real life. When I did, I broke down and had a panic attack immediately after climaxing. This, funnily, was actually represented in the first draft version of Raqi's first time; which was written while I was still a virgin. I somehow predicted that I'd end up crying after sex lmfao
This scene just didn't go that way, though. Instead Raqi largely enjoys the experience and just, isn't particularly conflicted about it. This is because, in the six months since the first draft version of this scene was written, I now just don't have complicated feelings about sex any more really, apparently. Which is... odd, to say the least.
All this is to say: I feel sort of like I got taken into the Compact and put on class-E's, and my behaviour and thoughts before and after those feel pretty much like being a different person. It's really bizarre.