The "Legendary" Fumblecart

Written by Regulus_Vaikyn

Legendary is... a bold term, used to describe things of dire importance to a nation or culture. That monstrosity is... certainly something, but "legendary" it is not.

This... thing, is in all parts magnificently strange and utterly terrifying. Created by the equally exotic Ignis Cor, Angel of Chaotic Flames - or "Fumblemore" as he is sometimes called - this small polished grey-stone statuette depicts the man himself, dressed in his flame-lined robes, standing upright with two thumbs-up upon a small, smoking, circular base. On command, if the statuette has been properly bound to the wielder, said wielder can command it to take a number of different forms. However, for the purposes of this documentation, its most common alternate form - the "Fumblecart" as it were - will be the focus of discussion.

The Fumblecart appears as an exceptionally odd carriage in the shape of the man himself, bending forwards towards the ground to deliver a wide, cocky grin. His arms are bent forward to form the same two slanted thumbs-ups as the statuette. The feet of the cart hang off the end of the wooden platform upon which the whole thing sits. 
It has lasers. In its... eyes? Why? Why would it have lasers in its eyes?!

The carriage is also fully capable of entering battle, as beneath the wooden exterior lies a thick layer of an unidentified metallic substance capable of shrugging off even heavy P.U.L.S.E. attacks. It also possesses a substantial amount of anti-infantry and anti-vehicle munitions in the form of fire-based projectiles. The mouth of the cart can open to reveal a seemingly exposed turret section equipped with a large flamethrower capable of launching gouts of flame in a thirty-foot cone from the front of the cart. The eyes come equipped with sponson mounted laser turrets that can scorch and sear opponents. Finally, the ends of the thumbs carry heavy fireball launchers that can hit targets up to one-thousand feet away, and blow apart even heavily armored targets. The cart itself also has alternate modes of transport, including the ability to become amphibious by tucking in the wheels and paddling with the feet, or using a magically-powered, rear mounted thruster engine that is canonically nicknamed "bad gas." 
The interior of the carriage is far larger than the exterior, and includes comfortable living arrangements for up to ten people. The inside is decorated with all manner of assorted portraits. Directly above the entryway is a portrait of Fumblemore in a rare point of seriousness, though still adorned in his flaming robes. The other walls, however, a lined with pictures and murals that change every so often, and depict scenes with different groups of adventurers who have made use of the cart throughout its storied history.
Pictured above: An artist's depiction of Ignis Cor, otherwise known by his alias "Fumblemore"
Item type
Magical
Rarity
Unique? We all certainly hope so.
Weight
Statuette: 1lbs (0.5 kg) / Carriage: 300 lbs (136 kg)
Dimensions
Statuette: 50mm wide base, 100mm tall / Carriage: 15' (4.6 m) long, 10' (3 m) wide
Base Price
N/a

Additional Details: Summoning

On occasion - thought to be a one-in-one-hundred chance - the Fumblecart is known to appear to casters of the spell "Summon Carriage," instead of the normal carriage. For the duration of the spell, the caster and their acquaintances can make use of Fumblecart and its myriad of strange and powerful qualities. 
"It is said that the legendary Fumblecart only appears to those in need, and only in times of need..."

Comments

Author's Notes

This item was originally a machination of one of my friends while I was running my first ever campaign. They were fighting the big bad of the game and he said, "I cast summon carriage on top of the enemy!" I then allow him to describe the manner in which this happens, and since then the Fumblecart has been a running joke throughout my group. I may have made some... additions here and there, but nothing that doesn't already fit with the theme of this wacky thing.


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Sage Dylonishere123
R. Dylon Elder
4 Mar, 2021 19:58

Ok. Let's try this again lol sorry. Either my internet cut out, or I spaced out. One way or the other the comment didnt post.     First off I like the delivery here. It's well written and flows nicely from start to finish.   The opening quote really sets the stage for the article. I like that there is a little humor in it, but it also has this ominous feel to it. Your description of the cart, and the statue itself, is well done and I can perfectly picture it, the art helps as well.   I like the laser eyes comment too. It's an appropriate reaction XD I laughed at the bad gas too.   I like how it's basically a wacky magical tank. Definitely valuable but not something to trifle with.   Now the chance of appearing for those who summon carriage is a nice little touch and were this an RPGs I could totally justify using this to mess with players XD I know my group would get a major kick out of it. Well done good sir, and sorry for the mix up. Lol

5 Mar, 2021 12:49

A supremely wacky item from the mind of an equally wacky character, both in-game and in person. I'm glad the more humorous parts had the intended effect. Once I figure out stat-blocks on World Anvil, I could possibly include the stats to use this thing.   In any case, thank you for the comment!