The Fantastically Pathetic Death of Jaquelyn Todd

General Summary

The graceless end of the fantastic legacy of Jaquelyn Todd, the vixen that could make the average wastelander swoon on jelly-like knees, was witnessed by three people: a brute, a brain, and a monkey. JT always imagined herself going out in a blaze of glory. She at least wanted some semblance of a fiery explosion, preferably in the background with some stray bullets flying, hopefully with a bottle of booze in one hand and at least one tit out. Imaginary bonus points if she was riding a motorcycle, she figured. She didn’t have the patience for her death to be boring.

Getting kneecapped by the asshole guard would have been more exciting than this, even a shotgun blast to the hands. She teased the guy relentlessly- mocked him for obsessing over such silly forms of maiming with the wittiest jokes she could muster from the inside of a jail cell with a highly trained assassin, iron crosshairs threatening to obliterate them at even the slightest hint of any funny business from within their cells. Ironic to think that the things that ended up killing her was a loose ventilation grate to an air duct, so the story goes.

JT’s most pathetic attempts at escape were no other than to try to clamber through the vents to reach the armory, reclaim her Magnum revolver from the fort’s “Acquisitions” chest, and blow all six shots into General Gypsy Harper’s fat military ass. The guard told her not to fuck with it on several occasions, but that didn’t stop it from falling on her head and killing her instantly after screwing with it.

The guards almost didn’t want to believe it. Her shotgun amigo stood there, baffled a bit with a lackey..

“Is… Is she fuckin’ dead?” he muttered to his comrade. If only JT could see the look on his face. He shrugged, elbowing his partner. “Go get her out of there, I guess.”

Unlock the cell, keep a gun trained on the cold-blooded killer of her cellmate, and hoist her still warm and limp body over the shoulder, the corpse of the most beautiful, courageous, and badass Jaquelyn Todd would soon come to an end as soon as she was carried out of Fort Seaway and thrown into the bay to rest in pieces with the rest of her slaughtered crew, left to fester and rot like all of the others.

Perhaps now is a good time to mention that Jaquelyn Todd is just as good of an actress as she is a fucking liar.

After taking a deep whiff of the Grim Reaper’s stinky loincloth, JT finds herself bored of the idea of dying, and decides that it’s time for her to return to the land of the living. She throws the whole trick out the window and reaches down to the holster on the guard’s hip, enjoying the view of her backside as she snatches the revolver and turns it on Shooty McShotgun as she had dreamt of for the past two weeks. It’s never felt so good to pull the trigger, and it’s never felt so good to shoot somebody in the throat and watch them choke out like that, all while being carried off to an incinerator. She thinks of a witty catchphrase to add to it, but coming back from the dead takes quite the toll on one’s capacity for comedic timing.

The guards both stumble and panic, but not JT. She lands on two feet, gets the fresh scent of blood in the air, and descends on the two of them like a shark. She stumbles to her feet, pushes past the guard, and kicks the Shooty’s shotgun to her cellmate, Kim. A few blows exchanged later, along with a few more feats of power and skill, and each of the four prisoners is free and armed in one way or another, with the blasted remains of both guards locked up snugly in the cell she once was held in.

With that, she bows, thanks the audience, and bids them all a farewell for joining her for the most incredible performance of her acting career. JT silently thanks the air duct for killing her in another more theatrical version of her life, and immediately turns to flee from the squad of troops descending down the hall to apprehend Magilla the Gorilla, Peek the Military Secret, Kim the Master Assassin, and the infamous Jaquelyn Todd that started a chain reaction of events that would most likely bring the entire fort crashing down.

JT runs with a newfound joy, loving the familiarly taste of iron from the blood in her mouth, the smell of it reminding her of the good old times where everything was a bloodbath and not just a battle royale. She feels it coursing through her veins every step of the way- breaking into the torture room, stalling against a line of machine guns pinning them down to the doorway, chickening out of kicking back a grenade at the last second, blowing off the head of a troop with loyalty that refuses to die along with him.

Now that JT roams the fort out of her cage, armed with handguns and knives just like her signature choosings, she can’t help but feel the excitement- the possibilities of what might happen when they finally cross paths with Gypsy so that she may at last exact her revenge. Elaborate ruses form in her head faster than coherent thoughts and sentences. Before you can ask her, she’s already stripped and thrown on a guard uniform, preparing a fake hostage situation line for line, action for action.

The grenades aren’t the problem, and neither are the machine guns. Not even running into a few Renie’s would stop her, cutting a deal with them to better cause a distraction and grant them access to the armory. At this point, the greatest problem would be the obnoxious prisoners breaking out with her, high and mighty in all of their respective ways, which all drag alongside her without the passion, purpose, or priority to fill Gypsy with holes as she promised.

But JT already died once to an air duct, and once to Gypsy Harper. She refuses to let either kill her again, and refuses to let either get away with it if they do.

Character(s) interacted with

Magilla, Peek, Kim, Millionaire, Bob

Report Date

19 Feb 2019

Primary Location

North Web

Secondary Location

Seaway