Operation Salem Mission Log
General Summary
T: +06d, 09h, 37m
Frit downed another drink. She had no intention of letting up, now that the memories were finally a little fuzzy. Moira’s rifle was still close by her side, the cold of the barrel the only feeling left besides the headache. The opening door went unnoticed.
“Frit hun, we have a job we are gonna go do, okay? You said you wanted to do stuff, right?”
Minutes had passed since Frit’s last conscious thought. All she saw now was that driver kid who had gotten her out of the Decoy and some costumed guy standing behind, His mask caught in a devilish snarl.
I miss her
T: +6d, 10h, 03m
The ride was uneventful. A band of raiders attacked, and promptly died. Frit protected the car, didn’t have to fire a shot. An argument over the destination broke out. Once the destination was reached, the kid’s family took them to get back on their feet.
“So you are from Pitts, South, huh?”
The masked one was worse than she thought. Joining in on the interrogation, Frit took over from the greasy garage owner and pressed on. He needed to be scared. They can’t get in your head if they are scared.
If only the damned witch had been scared
He didn’t leave the kid alone. They didn’t deserve this trip to the HQ. Frit didn’t plan on making it back, so the kid wouldn’t stand a chance. Frit popped a can next to His face to remind Him of His place. He didn’t take kindly, as Frit hoped He wouldn’t.
T: +6d, 10h, 54m
The cut across her chest stung. His damned blade was sharp. The hot one was holding Him back, Frit took note. The kid didn’t want the fight to continue, but seeing those eyes, glaring above that grimacing mask, she knew the fight wouldn’t end till she was dead. That could work.
I’m coming, Moira
Frit took aim.
I'm coming, my love
T: -00d, 02h, 28m
Moira sat, polishing her rifle, the butt lain across Frit’s lap. She always took special care of her rifle before a mission, so for something like this, she had been working on it all week. The others all had similar rituals, not that Frit was giving anyone but Moira much attention right now.
Fox left first. They didn’t say anything before missions. Anyone but their family wouldn’t have noticed them leave at all.
T: -00d, 01h, 11m
Goddo’s humming barely registered over the bubbling of the river. Not enough to tell what tune, but enough that it was some comfort. Being this close to the shore was unnerving.
T: -00d, 00h, 35m
The raft was ready. The trip across the river would take all of thirty seconds, if that.
No word had come from Fox, and Frit felt the first pang of fear for her family. This was her life’s purpose, it was all of their purposes. No way to avoid it. The grain of Moira’s rifle felt more apparent now, Frit wondered if it had been rubbed down too much.
T: -00d, 00h, 05m
Breaking away from the kiss with a nervous laugh, Frit gave Moira’s hand one last squeeze.
T: +00d, 00h, 47m
The forest reeked of decay. Bodies, plants, aminals, all rotting away. The stench filled Frit’s panicked breaths as she ran.
T: +00d, 01h, 04m
Moira’s eyes closed, the white glow fading as they did. Frit pulled the rifle away, Moira’s blood dripping off the butt. Frit’s world was silent, no matter how loud she screamed.
T: +00d, 01h, 32m
The driver kid got back into their car, and Frit met their eyes in the mirror. She still couldn’t hear her own words as she begged to be taken away from this place.
Casualties: 7 KIA, 1 to friendly fire
Working well: Right off the bat, the presentation is great. We can be easily immersed in this world because it feels like we're not ready a story, we're reading a character's log. The timestamps also create a nice tension. There is a lot of personality in the narration as well as the description and dialogue from the other characters. There is also a lot left up to the imagination, which can be good or bad at times. Regardless, when things are described they're described well. Descriptions are short yet still satisfying, which is hard to do. The paragraphs being nice and snappy helps keep the reader invested. Needs work: The time jumping is nice, but it started to be jarring because of how often it happened. I had a little trouble finding my place in the story as each point jumped to the next one. There's no downtime. If you cut back on the amount of skips, you could spend more time getting to know the characters and the environment. Even by the end, Clem was still known as "the driver kid," did they not learn each other's names yet? Just in general, it would help if things were described in more detail. You're still a couple hundred words off from 1000, so you don't even need to remove points that you have. I'm sure some of the smaller time skips can be meshed together without much of an issue.