Dawn of the Guardian
General Summary
There was no doubt it was a sign. I knew from that moment what it was I had to do. The crew was skeptical, but I assured them it was fate. It was time to save this young lady's life. I told her about the source, about the new life she would lead, free of misery and harm. Her looks of hesitant confusion quickly faded into acceptance. I too have been in that state of mind. It often doesn't take much convincing before you realize that there is only one choice, the easiest one. The source welcomes all. I told Greg to get in the back of the car. It was my turn to drive.
I felt my old intentions escape me. This sign was bigger than that. Back home I'd be waiting for followers to die just to move up a rank. I've already made a recruit; I was no longer needed there. It was time to create a new establishment. One that would allow the source to spread in areas it's never been to; One where I could know the name Guardian. I turned the car south after we passed Frontier. Grazing the edge of the Infinite Loop, we finally reached Wedgeward. Far on the outskirts of a small town lied a appropriately sized hill, absent of grass or greens and instead covered in jagged crag colored a shade darker than it would be if not for the moisture of fresh water coating it. This was the place.
We journeyed deeper into the cavern perched on this hill; I pressed my hand on the cold wet walls as I moved farther until finally we were faced with a small pit. Kory had recognized a hole her size on the face of the wall near us and went in to explore. It was time to prove myself to the rest of this lot. I instructed them to join hands. Ogma angrily stood and held my hand, Rain was on my right with a look of fear, and Gregory was next to her looking as skeptical as ever. Now all we had to do was chant. Beginning with a deep, low-pitched hum, Ogma began. This was closely followed by myself, Greg and Rain as we each chanted in a higher pitch than the last. Finally, crawling out of the hole was Kory, who was now suddenly interested in the matter. She came out humming at a pitch much higher than any of us. It was ear piercing, our hums slowly turned into long grunts as each of our faces clenched at the sound she was making. Just then, the earth below began to shake.
A small burst of water erupted through a crack at the bottom of the pit as water slowly began to rise, transforming it into a pool. Dropping each of their hands, Ogma and Greg looked on in shock and tried to collect themselves. I kept Rain's hand in mine as I took a step into the flowing embrace of the source. She followed cautiously, still with a hint of fear in her eye that slowly vanished the farther she stepped in. I could tell she was beginning to understand. She was feeling what I was feeling. The power of healing. The damage done to me by those Maplehood miscreants was leaving my mind. The influence of the poison mist was leaving Rain and her face lit up for the first time. By now we had ascended to the top of the pit where water overflowed slightly above the edge knocking some out with each wave. "CANNONBAAAAAAALLL!" Shouted Kory as she dove in, knocking back a huge wave that gave both Ogma and Greg a good splash. I told them, "You are healed of your injuries, and you will keep this between us."
Eleven. That's how many were now serving the source. That's, of course, if you count Greg and Ogma, who at this point were just freeloading and benefitting from the source without declaring themselves to it. But I had a plan for them yet. We were getting new recruits every day. Rain was a great scout, and Stalker easily intimidated anyone with malicious intent to the source. The laws of the source were simple. There were only three.
1. Do no violence.
2. Do not touch what isn't yours.
3. Keep your agreements.
Those who neglected to follow these rules at least understood the repercussions. Or so I thought. You see, that Gregory Navarro was already on thin ice. The second chance at life he was given after Maplehood was soon drowned in a world of cannabis and sloth. He had disrespected the source on multiple accounts. I had turned the other cheek before as payback for the part he played in saving our lives back there, but then he tried to recruit Rain from me. Don't touch what isn't yours.
Stalker had informed me of yet another offense. Gregory had threatened to report the location of the source with his radio. His punishment was exile; exile to the deeper bowels of the cave where he would find no one to help or listen to him. As Stalker guided him to the entryway Gregory had attempted to surprise him with his machete. This was to no avail. Stalker had then shot him in the leg with his shotgun. A situation Gregory was all too familiar with. Suddenly, he asked to drink from the source to heal. As he laid there close to death I realized we were at a point of good advantageous negotiation. I stepped near him pressing my rifle to his back, kneeling in closer.
"You must become a servant of the source...Under close examination."
"Y-yes. I'll serve the source. I will!" Shouted Gregory in desperation.
"You will, what?" I asked him, cockily.
"I will, guardian."
What worked well: I like the descriptive terms you use when describing the pasts of some characters. Lines like: “The second chance at life he was given after Maplehood was soon drowned in a world of cannabis and sloth.” really stood out. What didn’t work so well: I feel like there is a lot of context missing here. I’m not exactly sure what the Source is, but I’ve been able to piece together a vague idea that it’s some magical drug/deity. It would be helpful to explain why the laws of the Source exist. There are a lot of different perspectives and tones throughout this piece, which makes it feel confusing. One moment we are learning about how Kory had recognized a hole, then the crew starts a weird chant, then they’re healing, then Kory just jumps into this pool of sacred water. It just feels all over the place. In the end, I don’t really understand what the role of the Guardian, who they are. Are they supposed to protect the Source? Are they supposed to be an officer of justice, punishing those that break the Source’s laws? Given that it’s the title of the piece, I think you should have made it more clear the duty of the Guardian. I don’t really get a good sense of the relationships between everybody in the crew. There are too many characters, you may not have needed to include everyone. You didn’t seem to have enough space to explore how the Guardian really feels about each one of them or have interactions with all of them aside from Gregory, whom she clearly doesn’t like. It didn’t make much sense to me why she would invite him to serve the Source when he has already broken its laws.