Chapter 34
Chapter Length: 7,000~ words
Punica had made a mistake. Not a small mistake, either; one large enough that it had very nearly spiraled into accidental enthrallment of her xenosophont. As Raqi continued her explanation, Punica alternated between intentionally letting herself be drawn in so as to quiet her own thoughts, and keeping parts of her presence as separate as possible from
Raqi's awareness so as to stop the sophont from picking up on how close she was to having a panic attack.
She could not do this. She could not cope with how badly she wanted -
needed - to take Raqi as a pet. When she had agreed to re-enter the girl's mindspace, she had not realised that her exploration of Raqi's internal landscape was going to turn into essentially a showcase of all of the xeno's most desirable traits. While affini as a whole were generally attracted to character and personality in xenosophonts rather than physical characteristics, it could be said that they as a species shared a general fondness for indicators that a creature was of a particularly malleable or mouldable nature. They took immense delight in sculpting their pets into new forms, and those creatures which had particular talent at being changed were therefore often the ones considered the most attractive.
With all this in mind, Raqi had unknowingly spent the last half hour giving Punica the closest equivalent in affini culture to a strip tease; and it was rapidly driving the plant insane. The need to domesticate her that had been rapidly building inside of her with each tidbit Raqi revealed about the plasticity of her mind had eventually reached a boiling point, and Punica had been drawn into daydreaming about what she would do with Raqi after turning her into her pet. This had in turn proven so enticing that her concentration had momentarily lapsed, and she had accidentally broadcast a detailed fantasy of putting the girl through an intense regimen of hypnotic conditioning and behavioural training aimed at turning her into the perfect completely open and susceptible toy.
In addition to being utterly mortifying emotionally, it had also sent her spiraling over the possible adverse effects upon their relationship. The thought of ruining the incredible progress the two of them had made today by sharing domestication fantasies had terrified her so much that she had acted on impulse and used a series of biorhythmically-enhanced suggestions to try and shunt the memory out of Raqi's consciousness. While she had been blessed with the minimum level of competence to at least not try and delete the memory - that was a mistake that, had she made, she was fairly sure she could not have recovered from - she had inadvertently created a ticking time bomb in Raqi's mind that she did not know when was going to go off. At some point after long enough without discussing it, the girl would almost certainly begin to wonder when it was that Punica intended to talk about what she had shown her - she was simply too smart not to - and then there would be no way out of admitting that she wanted to domesticate her.
She wanted to be livid with herself. There was nothing she desired more in the moment to spend the rest of the day lambasting herself for her incompetence, but there was no way she could do so without letting the emotions spill over to Raqi and ruining what they were currently doing, and she refused to make things any worse than she already had.
There was one thing that this incident had made abundantly clear to her, though, and that was that she needed some kind of an outlet for her desires regarding Raqi. If she continued simply trying to repress them the way she had thus far, the dam was inevitably going to break and she was going to give in and break Raqi like a twig. That was
not an acceptable outcome, and so she decided that she needed to try and find another way to let out the tension that had been building for so long inside of her.
Before she could begin looking for ways to go about that, though, she was interrupted by the realisation that the girl was nearing the end of her explanation.
-and this one is basically an orb that we created as an experimental switching aid. The idea was that you would assign each headmate a colour, and then you would switch the colour of the orb based on whoever was meant to be fronting at any given time to switch them in or out. It worked fine, but we didn't really get much use out of it, so we dropped it eventually. <explanatory-neutral>
I see. Your system truly does seem to have developed quite an expertise in matters relating to who is in control of the body. <genuineness-approval>
Yeah, it's a topic we spent a fair bit of time on. It's always been a useful thing to know about, since there are a lot of systems that can't switch as easily as we can, and we like being able to teach them how to do it... <discomfort; vexation>
Hearing the tone in Raqi's mindvoice shift finally pulled Punica's focus back to the present.
Is something the matter, Raqi? That sounds like something you ought to be happy about, but you seem displeased. /perplexed-inquiring/
The discomfort intensified in response to her words.
No, it's- it's not to do with the switching thing. It's just... looking at all of this, it- Her actual avatar's face seemed to shift for a moment, its gaze growing both distant, and strangely frustrated.
It's not... what our system is actually good at. <discomfort; reluctance>
Punica did not understand.
How can you possibly describe all of this as 'not what you are good at'? Raqi, the things you have shared with me thus far are exceptional-
No. <firm; refutation>
She was even more surprised when Raqi cut her off.
They're not. None of them are what mattered to us as a system. Her avatar gestured across the room in third-person.
These are all prototypes; test projects before we actually found our element. They're all phenomena tied to physical objects, but we realised after a while that that wasn't what worked best for us. <frustration>
There was a certain hardness in her tone that Punica could not understand why was there.
We eventually learned that we had no need for physical objects located within the wonderland. We moved on to raw visuals that weren't isolated in any one location next, and then, eventually, we started to work with raw emotions themselves.
medium ambient emotional phenomena
distance
Raqi spoke.
Straessa's project was learning to manipulate our emotions. Everything here is a toy in comparison to what she produced. <frustration; discomfort>
Raqi's tone was deathly serious. Whatever it was that she was speaking of, it seemed to be deeply disquieting the xenosophont; to the extent that she seemed almost on the verge of being frightened. Punica could still not tell at all why, but she could tell that the girl was being absolutely genuine in the moment with her feelings.
She took a cautious approach as she spoke.
Is there any way that you could show me what you mean? <respectful-inquiring>
I can, yes, but... The discomfort vanished in an instant, and in its place, <
nervousness> overtook Raqi's presence.
This is... very personal to me. To us. I- I haven't really had time to process what it actually means to have been showing you around here so far. The reason I started with the wonderland was partly because I thought it was cool and I wanted you to see it, but also because it's... it's one of the least scary things that I could show you. The other stuff - the other things that Straessa and I made together - mean much more to me than this does. And... <
intense-discomfort>
Punica felt Raqi's gaze turn upon her in their shared space. She had not had an avatar before now, but all of a sudden, she was there in her full form; Raqi staring up into her eyes with a pleading expression upon her face.
We're... frightened of talking to people about this. Most people that we met in the past didn't accept plurality at all; let alone the kind of stuff I'm talking about now. The sort of emotions that Straessa learned to play with are the kind of thing that we weren't even supposed to *have*; let alone get as comfortable with as we are. Landamaeri society has a massive taboo about being open with your feelings, and we... we were hurt a lot when we tried to do that. <nervous; pleading; hoping-for-acceptance>
It was one thing, trying to work out her feelings for Raqi regarding domestication. That was a complex dance of clashing needs and desires that each needed to be weighed up against each other, as well as most importantly against what was best for the xenosophont. But this? There was nothing nuanced about what Raqi was asking her for here, and so Punica did not hesitate an instant before moving to provide it.
She knelt down until she was just above eye-level with Raqi, then reached out and placed the tips of her fingers upon both sides of the xeno's face. She felt Raqi's consciousness lurch as she did, <
submission> flaring up- but a quiet pulse of /
calm/ was enough to stop it before it could overtake her. That was not the emotion which Punica wished to spark in her right now.
She took momentary control of the camera, creating a perspective which framed the scene from the side, so that Raqi could see her head being held gently in Punica's hands.
Raqi. I speak not as an affini in this moment, but as one sophont to another: I can not earnestly imagine how any sapient being could look upon this place and call it anything other than wonderful. The work that you have done to create this place, and the concepts contained here, is representative of two of the greatest accomplishments that any sophont can strive towards; that of self-improvement, and exploration. These are traits that are tragically rarely seen in sapient beings; and I am ashamed to say that even we affini at times fall short in properly cultivating them. /Honesty/
She sent a little pulse of tactile sensation meant to represent her softly squeezing the girl's head to her.
There is nothing here which merits judgement that is not wholly positive. Her expression grew sad.
More than anything, I am truly sorry that you have been wounded in such a way that you must now carry fear in your heart of sharing this with other people. That is a burden which no sophont should have to bear, and I would rid you of it if I could. /Empathy-Sorrow-Genuineness
Raqi smiled softly up at her.
...Thank you. I wish that I didn't have to bear it, as well. <sorrow; appreciative>
There was something in her voice. Punica had expected the encouragement she had given to be enough to easily wipe away the discomfort the girl was feeling, but it was still present, and seemed only to have lessened ever so slightly. No, she realised it wasn't that- it was a new type of discomfort; one no longer centered upon her, but upon Raqi herself.
But I do. And so long as that is the case, that is why we have need of things like this...
Her avatar took a step backwards, and Punica watched her eyes flicker closed. She placed her hand over her chest in a motion that the affini had seen once before, then slowly drew it outwards in a cutting motion through the air. As she did, the space in front of her began to flicker, and she felt the emotion in the mindscape shifting. A moment later, what looked to be a small tear appeared in the air, and a shape began to rise out of it. Raqi moved her hand to hold her palm above the rift as it did, and the object continued to rise from the opening until it had fully emerged, at which time its appearance coalesced and became discernible.
Raqi's fingers closed around the pommel of a sword. The weapon was of a truly ancient design; it did not look at all like any of the modern re-imaginings of bladed weapons that Punica had sometimes seen xenosophonts create, and instead bore a near-perfect resemblance to the longswords used in certain pre-industrial cultures. It bore a rounded pommel and a thin double-sided guard made of a material that could have been either gold or brass, and inlaid within the pommel was what Punica thought to be a small ruby. The blade of the weapon extended around ninety centimetres from the hilt, and appeared to have been constructed from polished steel. In notable contrast to this, the blade's edges were dull and covered in light chips; presenting a strange contrast to the otherwise spotless nature of the object.
Upon taking hold of the weapon, Raqi slowly lowered her arm downwards, and let it hang by her side. The moment the weapon had entered her hand, her posture seemed to change; her back straightened, and the usual aura of mild hyperactivity fading away from her entirely. The effect was accompanied by yet another shift in their shared mindspace. Punica would have been unable to identify it if not for the explanation Raqi had given her earlier the day about what she had called 'head presences', but now that she knew of them, she could tell that Raqi's had suddenly shifted abruptly. The change was so extensive, in fact, that she found herself automatically considering that the sophont standing before her was no longer Raqi at all; rather, someone else entirely.
At the same time, however, she became aware that this new presence was not entirely foreign to her. She had seen it twice before; once when 'Raqi' had spoken to her of the ills of social species and conformity while they had been walking to the garden to produce medication, and the second time for a split-second during Raqi's play, at the moment when her form had momentarily become monstrous and threatened to engulf her comrades.
It was this sophont's actions that had pushed Punica to attempt to inject Raqi, and set off the entire chain of events that had stemmed from that one moment. Everything that had happened between them since then had begun with that one altercation in the garden, and the knowledge that Punica now found herself faced with the same presence set her leaves on end.
A moment later, the sophont began speaking. Its voice was recognisably Raqi's, but also differed in both tone and emotional quality; bearing a strength and composure, as well as a kind of loftiness and distance that was ordinarily absent from the xenosophont's demeanour.
This sword once belonged to Straessa. It was endowed with the strength to cut through all manner of mental constructs, and she used it to vanquish intrusive thoughts from our mind; as well as to banish all other emotions which she considered undesirable. <the-weight-of-memory>
The woman tilted the sword to its side, bringing the tip up to rest upon the palm of her other hand, and regarding it with a level stare.
It is, bar none, the single greatest achievement our system has ever produced. We owe our identity at present to the capabilities granted to us by this blade, and how it has allowed us to act without being fettered by fear, anxiety, or indecision. <a-thousand-miles-of-soundless-loathing>
Her expression shifted. Where there had for a moment been unyielding iron, Punica watched as doubt crept in. The muscles beneath her eye tensed, and then in an instant, the other sophont was gone; replaced once more with Raqi Marr.
It is also... one of the worst things we have ever made, I think. The power to have arbitrary control over one's emotions is not something that a person should be endowed with. She shook her head.
No one at all. Least of all us. She then looked up at Punica.
It is, however, something we have. And it is the best example of the things that our system is capable of. After holding eye contact for a second, her will broke, and she turned her gaze downwards and away once again.
I... didn't know if I should show you this. I'm not of one mind on how to feel about it myself, and- I don't expect you to be willing to take a nuanced view on it yourself. Most landamaeri aren't, and you're an affini; I know your views on this sort of thing are going to be even stricter than my own people's. <nervousness; guilt; anxiety>
Her voice grew even smaller.
Still, it's... important to me, and... I wanted you to see it. <fear; anticipation; acceptance; awaiting-judgement>
The headspace was silent.
Seconds passed, and Punica didn't speak. Eventually, Raqi turned her attention towards the plant's mindspace avatar. She wasn't sure if an image she herself had conjured was representative of Punica's actual emotional state, but the way her presence resonated when she did made her feel as if it was.
The affini's expression was inscrutable. She was looking directly at Raqi with a look that the xenosophont could not parse, and her head presence gave nothing whatsoever away. Her presence was strongly, discernibly there, but it lacked all of the emotional undercurrents which it normally radiated while they were in this state.
She was unable to keep her own thoughts silent. She fully expected that whatever answer Punica was going to come up with would be a variation on one single theme; that whatever circumstances had lead Raqi and Straessa to create that weapon, she no longer needed to have it any more. She would either say that Raqi had to give it up by force, or might take it as evidence that the girl did in fact require forceful-
You have stated that this weapon is foundational to your identity, Raqi. <measured>
Her heart leapt. Every prediction she had made was wiped clean from her mind, and she grew fully attentive as she honed in on Punica's words.
While I do, indeed, consider that it may no longer be necessary for you to possess it... Her form shifted, her head pulling back away from Raqi.
Neither do I think that taking away by force something which is clearly integral to your self-construct would in any way be healthy for you.
Raqi was in shock. She remained in stunned silence, unable to formulate any response, or to really even process what she was hearing.
Let me be perfectly clear, the plant continued.
Now that I know of this object's existence, I have no intention of allowing you to use it to harm anyone. That is not something which I can or will abide. /firm-unyielding/
There was a flicker in the thoughtspace, as a certain part of Raqi's mind reared to life and hissed at the affini-
high ambient emotional phenomena
hostility; threat
-but Raqi crushed it the instant she noticed it showing itself. This was
not an enemy she could hope to stand against in that regard, and as much as the admission hurt her, it was better to suffer a wound to her pride than a deathblow to her independence.
I understand. <deference; nervousness; submission>
Hearing the thoughts leave her mind evoked a familiar feeling in her; the sting of defeat, and the knowledge that one was at the mercy of a superior foe. It was one of the most difficult and painful combinations of emotions she had ever needed to endure, and she had spent much of her adult life trying to learn how to avoid it. The mixture of fear, shame, guilt, and frustration at herself threatened to send her spiraling; but she knew that to do so would only be to put her even further in danger. She therefore tried to still her mind, but the act of doing so only beget more anxiety and more fear at the thought of what might happen if she failed, and her stomach lurched towards the familiar impulse to lash outwards. Again she forced it down, reminding herself that she couldn't and mustn't, that she just had to endure it and accept defeat, because that was the only option she had in order to survive with her self intact, no matter how much the act of admitting defeat was already enough to destroy it-
Raqi. /empathy-sadness/
She was stopped mid-thought by the sound of Punica's voice. The tone of it took her by surprise; Punica didn't sound angry or like she was about to threaten her the way she had expected-
Raqi, please... /sadness-pain/
Her mind fell abruptly silent.
I... I have made a great deal of mistakes in dealing with you thus far; chief among them allowing you to continue to exist under the spectre your mind has conjured of what forced domestication would entail. I have demurred in dispelling it up until now because I have not known what to say, but- /frustration-doubt-urgency/
Vines shot out in the mind space and bound Raqi's arms and legs. The girl's eyes shot wide open, but before she could react further, Punica's own were right in front of her. She expected something terrifying, to be engulfed by an overwhelming presence- but instead, there was only pleading.
I do not want to take away the things that make you who you are! /pain-honesty/
The vines gripped tighter, and Raqi found her attention being pulled into Punica's words.
I have been an idiot for failing to explain up until now, and- and the truth is that it has been in part because I do not understand either. The things you have been worried about have been- I understood why you were, Raqi. That was why it was so hard to- why it is still so hard to- /frustration-pain-regret/
She was knotting her vines together, her leaves shaking as if they were in a storm. Raqi didn't understand what was happening, but she could feel that whatever Punica was trying to convey to her, it was tearing directly at the plant's core.
Her perspective switched. She was forced to stare directly into Punica's swirling, crystalline eyes. They radiated all of the colours of autumn that she had seen before, and so very many more. They should have torn her control from her, but in that moment, it was not the colours that overtook Raqi. Instead, it was the absolute desperation that lurked behind them; a mixture of fear, terror, and agony at the thought that she might not be understood in what she was about to say.
I am not, the plant spoke, every word growing more strained than the last,
going to change you. Her form heaved as if she were taking an actual breath, rather than simulating one.
I do not *want to.* Please- please, Raqi. Please understand; *I do not want to change you.* /honesty-pleading-desperation/
She could feel the way Punica's presence was cracking at the edges; the little wisps of consciousness that told her that what she had just said was not quite right, that it was not the whole, fully nuanced answer. It was filled with such absolute desperation; the hallmark of one who was trying their absolute hardest, but could just not find the solution they wanted.
Raqi hadn't really been paying attention to Punica before now. It was one of her worst flaws as a sophont, in her view; the fact that she was always so focused on her own fears that she never actually stopped to see how the situations she was in were impacting other people. But in that moment, she could feel as clear as if they were her own emotions just how much Punica hated this situation. It had never occurred to Raqi that Punica might actually be able to understand her perspective; she would have assumed that even if the plant could, she would simply discard it as the foolishness of a xenosophont, as affini were so prone to doing. And yet, here she was, hurting the same way Raqi herself had so many times in the past when variations of this scene had played out with members of her own race.
In all honesty, it didn't make sense. Raqi couldn't conceive of the fact that Punica was, essentially, trying to tell her that she didn't want to hurt her. Not 'hurt' in the way other people defined it, but in the way Raqi herself thought of it. Ever since the two of them had met, it was that definition of hurting- the desire to see her self kept intact- that she had been trying to convince the plant to empathize with, and she had at numerous points almost given up hope of ever succeeding at it. She remembered when Punica had first told her that the affini did not see identity as sacrosanct, and did not observe a meaningful difference between intentionally-made changes and naturally occurring ones, and the words that she was currently speaking contrasted so harshly against that as to be almost incomprehensible.
Yet at the same time, she could
feel that, somehow, Punica did now understand.
How...? She stared at her, utterly uncomprehending.
How do you understand, now, when you didn't at all before?
You are correct. When we first met, I did not understand at all. /regret/
Punica reached out with a vine, and pressed it against Raqi's chest; right above her heart.
But, because of this... because of what I was uplifted from, I can feel it. I *have* felt it, and now... I do understand. /regret-sorrow/
Leaves began falling from her back in the mindspace.
I would not have listened if it was not for this. It would not have mattered what you said, for it is just as you thought; I would simply have discarded your words as those of a xenosophont who did not know better. But now, I have felt for myself how what we are terrifies you. And more than that, I have seen with my own eyes that- if not other affini, then I, at least, am not infallible. I have *not* known what is best for you, Raqi. Others of my kind would, but- but I do not. If- if I were like them, I would never have allowed this situation to become what it is. I would never have let you stew in your own terror; I would simply have stripped it away from you at the first sign of it, just as you feared I would. /guilt-frustration-indecision-torn/
But I am not like other affini. I am not competent the way that they are, and... Her voice grew small.
I do not know if that is a good thing or not. I do not know, Raqi- I- I am sorry. I know how useless it is, to hear someone who is from your perspective not listening- who has threatened you over and over again, who discards your opinion and sees you as lesser- stand here and vascillate over whether that is the right perspective or not- /frustration-self-loathing-anger/
Her entire body had started shaking. Her form was losing cohesion, starting with her legs and gradually moving up her body, as her humanoid form began to fall away into a pile of leaves and vines.
I am sorry. I am sorry for putting you through this, I- I just do not have the strength, I do not- I can not decide between what my people have taught me to do and what you are feeling, and I know that I am torturing you because of it, I know that doing this is hurting you even more but I can not stop it! I can not stop myself! I can not- /panic-fear-spiralling/
If it was anywhere else, Raqi would have felt so small and so powerless. The affini were the affini, and she was just a tiny little landamaeri with weak arms and a frail body. It would have seemed asinine to try and say what she wanted to say. But right there, inside of her own mind, she had something which was normally inaccessible to her. For the longest time, she had wished that she could reach out and show people exactly how she felt, to reassure them that they needn't be in pain. And as that thought came to her once again, she realised that this time, she could.
Raqi reached out with her own presence and engulfed Punica's, just the way she remembered Straessa doing with her in times past. She wrapped the arms of her will around the affini, envisioning pressing her head against hers; filling her with all the
comfort and
reassurance and
understanding that she presently felt. Punica's presence reacted with predictable surprise and confusion, equally unable to understand how it was possible for something like Raqi to comprehend how she was currently feeling.
We may not be the same capabilistically, Raqi spoke,
but I've played the same role as you many times before. The affini don't have a monopoly on caregiving; we xenosophonts still try to do the same thing with the tools and resources we have available to us. She squeezed her arms tightly around what was left of Punica's body.
There have been lots of people, in the past, who I tried to look after the same way you're trying to look after me. In those relationships, there was an enormous gap in what each of us knew, and it lead to me believing I knew better than them. The thing was, that wasn't a mistaken belief; I genuinely did. They made unhealthy decisions over and over again, and I knew why those were a bad idea; and knowing that, I stepped in to stop them. To control them, and to do what was best for them, because I knew that better than they did. In our society, that's often part of a dominant's role.
A dominant? /surprise/
But, I thought you were-
I'm a switch, technically. <soft-amusement>
My relationship with it in the kink sense is pretty complicated, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about relationships on a non-kink level; as in the sort of power dynamics that exist between everyone who has a relationship with each other, whether it's intimate or not. <explanatory>
Generally speaking, people can either rarely be equals, or - much more often - there's some invisible sense that you're either 'above' or 'below' someone; and it's almost always been the case in all my relationships that I've been the one in the 'above' position. It's always ended up that way because of how much more together I've been emotionally than all my friends and partners. <informative>
Consider the difference between someone with a poor family background, no knowledge of psychology, and who is forced to work a 9-5 that makes them feel exhausted and miserable, with someone who doesn't have to work and has a supportive family background and a generally much better mental state. It's not hard to figure out who's gonna end up looking after who in that circumstance. <explanatory; comforting>
She softly stroked one hand through Punica's leaves as she kept talking.
There came a point, in a lifetime of doing this, when I realised that I had a choice to make. In landamaeri society, autonomy and consent are very important: it's generally believed that one ought to respect those even above a person's health and wellbeing, because we consider the right to free choice to be above all. <neutral>
Her tone dropped.
But when that philosophy meant that I had to willingly leave people to hurt themselves when I knew there was no good reason for it, I started to question if it was actually right to put autonomy above all else. And I didn't just get stuck there forever; eventually, I decided that the answer was no, it wasn't. I decided that I'd rather do what I thought was best for people, even if I had to completely ignore what they actually wanted for themselves, because I genuinely believed that I knew better than them. <discomfort; distance>
Her thoughts turned for just a moment to her three partners.
And a lot of the time, I still do. But Inos take me if I don't constantly question whether I'm *actually* right; particularly when something like this turns up and all the options you're presented with feel fucking awful. <discomfort; regret; pain>
The main difference between you and me is that I probably end up being wrong much, much more often than you do; because, well, I'm not an affini. ...But I personally think that I'm right often enough that this is still the better perspective for me to take, and so I continue to behave this way. Or, did, before I came here, anyway. <discomfort>
She shifted her grip around.
My point is... I understand the difficulty. I obviously can't actually agree with your perspective, in this case- because, well... I don't think you know better than me here. But I know *you* do, and... I know those two positions aren't reconcilable. I know the logical outcome is for us to fight, and try to convince each other that the other is right. And I know that, because I'm one side of that battle, I shouldn't be able to see it neutrally; I should just do whatever it takes to try and win- and I mean, I'll probably go back to doing that as soon as we're done talking, but right now... <hesitation; pain; sorrow; wishing-there-was-another-way>
Raqi nestled her head further into Punica's body.
I just- I know what it's like, for two people to be convinced they're in the right, and to decide that they have no choice but to fight each other. I know how much it sucks. And I don't think, if they fight because they both genuinely believe that it's the right thing to do, that either of them can really be blamed for it. Even if we do have to fight each other, and one of us- well, it's probably going to be you, if I'm being honest- ends up overriding the other... I don't feel as if I should hate you for it. Even if I'm going to lose, and I'm not going to get what I want... in the end, that is what it is. It only has to be something to be angry over if you let it be. And I'd prefer not to. <sorrow; forced-happiness; trying-to-be-brave>
A smile crept onto her face.
Conflict is already painful enough, without all the extra baggage and moral weight that we attach to it. If there is something that is important enough to two people that they decide it's worth fighting and inflicting pain for... then I don't think they need to feel bad about that, so long as they're certain of themselves. Hurting someone is sometimes an okay price to pay, if what it will result in is better for them in the long run. <reassurance; forced-happiness>
So, yeah. Raqi gave Punica another squeeze.
If you honestly think that you're doing what's right, then however much I'll hate it, it's okay. You'll make it okay in the long run. <afraid; reassuring; trying-to-be-brave>
She was quite sure that it should not have been possible to hold this perspective. It was, by nature, a self-sabotaging position to take. The self-serving thing to do would have been to exploit Punica's indecision to convince her of the wrongness of domestication; yet instead, she had reached out and tried to convince her that it was alright. It made, from her own standpoint, no sense. It was an act of direct and intentional self-sabotage to her stated goal of remaining independent and avoiding domestication.
That's always been the thing, though, I suppose, she thought; knowing this time that it would be heard, but feeling too dissociative to really care.
I've never been all that inclined to place myself first, at times like these. <distance>
She wondered if, perhaps, there were some things she actually cared about beyond her own safety. Perhaps, deep down in the recesses of her soul, there were actually things akin to morals and values still left in there. For just a moment, the thought made her happy.
. . .
And then her perspective shifted to Punica. The plant drew herself up to her full height, her mindspace body recomposing itself in front of Raqi, as it grew taller and taller. The roof of the laboratory seemed to extend upwards as she grew and grew and kept growing, until she had become a giant that towered over Raqi's small frame.
The logical outcome is for us to fight, you say...? /?????????/
Raqi's heart lurched. She was yanked back to her body by a sudden, all-consuming sense of danger emanating from the affini that swamped her mind like a wave. The inside of her head began throbbing as if with a migraine, but before she could do anything, a hand made of force reached out and grabbed her presence. She went completely still all of a sudden, as if her self-awareness had been forcibly torn away from her, and she had been reduced to merely an unconscious spectator to her own experience.
Yes. You are right; I see that now. There is only one way for us to resolve our differences upon this matter. /????-??????-????/
She couldn't think. She could barely even want to think. She wasn't even able to muster the willpower to want to fight the force pressing down against her; instead, she merely passively observed what was happening. When she did finally muster the smallest spark of awareness and began trying to claw her control back, she was instantly crushed by what felt like an overwhelming surge of presence, but that she somehow knew was barely an exertion at all for Punica.
Your life, up until now, has been centred around conflict. It has pervaded your existence to such an extent that it has become the language that you speak most naturally. When a dispute arises, it is what you turn to with barely any hesitation; sometimes not even waiting to see if all other options are exhausted before you resort to force. /???-???????-????/
H-how? Punica's words momentarily broke Raqi's stillness. Her heart was beating faster and faster, panic filling her mind. How did Punica know that? How did she-
It is because you crave such contests. They are the one circumstance in which you do not feel frightened. It is only when doing battle against others that you feel safe; because they cannot threaten you any further if they are already attacking you. /???????/
strong ambient emotional phenomena
horror
The fear peaked, and then-
The world began to warp. Raqi's consciousness- She felt- there were sensations-
something- something was happening-
she didn'
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I D : : N/A
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