CLIFFORD FILES #1 "Meeting Cliff"

In the year of A4 998 the Bureau of Magical Study and Investigation became aware of a 7ft2 brass man. His name, Clifford Steelcart. , a human brain trapped in a magical/divine/mechanical construct unlike anything encountered before. After some negotiation, Clifford shared many sensitive and significant secrets with the BMSI. The information acquired in these interviews and interrogations are top-level classified under code name THE CLIFFORD FILES

C.F-1 "Meeting Clif"

The following interview was conducted by Special Agent Reesah Starclear within the newly liberated Town of Newlight. This was the 1st interview with Clifford Steelcart. This interrogation details the first personal interactions between Agent Steelcart and the BMSI and was conducted by Special Agent Reesah Starclear working with Office 10.
S.A Starclear - (entering room to find Cliff's shackles broken on the floor) The restraints were a precautionary measure for our own stafty, surely you -
A Steelcart - (standing quickly accidently, breaking chair in process) Look here Lady, we just saved the fucking world! I'm not going to be some prisoner in your stupid wizard jail!
S.A Starclear - Mr Steelcart -
A Steelcart - Cliff, call me Cliff.
S.A Starclear - Cliff, you must understand our concern here. You are a 7ft2 magical construct with incredible strength and resistance to physical damage. I'm afraid if you wish to proceed...violently or criminally, in anyway, most official authorities would have no way of...containing you. You do understand our worries?
A Steelcart - Yeah, yeah, I get it. I'm a big fucking monster and you don't have the ability to handle me if I choose to be your problem.
S.A Starclear - I said most authorities, Mr Steelcart. The BMSI is fully capable of neutralizing any problem should they arise. (looks at chair)
A Steelchart - Look, sorry about the chair. But if that's a threat I'm telling you right now, there ain't nothing you got under that robe that can handle me.
S.A Starclear - (throws file on table) Mr Steelcart, (short pause) Cliff, are you aware that you are currently charged with aiding a known murderer, madman terrorist, possibly the worst human to have ever walked this good world? You helped Victor Von Gloom steal a rare and unstable material known as Eradiuum from a fortified facility in Warwood in A4 996.
A Steelcart - That was uh -
S.A Starclear - (raising voice) The same Von Gloom who then exploded three Dreadlights in Hamar in attempt to evade capture? THEN seven city guards and 13 innocent civilians in Silverport three months later?
A Steelcart - Yeah, see, about that, I uh -
S.A Starclear - (Yelling) THE SAME VON GLOOM who used that ERADIUUM to eradicate a large city claiming thousands of lives and sickening countless more with it's unknowable poisonous fallout!? THAT VICTOR VON GLOOM?! Do you remember all THAT, Mr Steelcart?! (bangs table)
A Steelcart - Ok, yes! All that is true! I admit it! But I didn't kill anyone. I even almost killed HIM for that shit, like a bunch of times!
S.A Starclear - Why did you serve him, Cliff? Plain and simple. The man was an unhinged mad scientist and here you are gallivanting around Cruul doing his bidding? Doesn't make sense Cliff. (long pause) Make it make sense.
A Steelcart - Look, its complicated!
S.A Starclear - Its my job to understand complicated, Cliff.
A Steelcart - (long pause) Ok, look...the others. Rita, Gary and Jade. They're like me, experiments of Von Gloom, called us the "Gloom Patrol". Victor saved us all from the Emperor's labs. Got us out of thier right when he started casting all this crazy shit across Second Sahond. Those guys are like...family. I couldn't let them stay with Victor alone. And where the fuck was I gunna go, all big and metal and freakish!? LOOK AT ME!
S.A Starclear - (pouring through three folders) Rita Faraway...shapechanger...very cooperative. Gary Gaynor...Dead, bear attack. Jade...the sleeping girl (closes folder) Explain Jade to me...Cliff.
A Steelcart- Hey, don't you touch her! She's a kid. Just a normal kid.
S.A Starclear - A normal kid isn't immune to every source of natural or magical harm known to man. I'd say that's very abnormal by definition, Cliff.
A Steelcart - Ok, in that form she's physically indestructible, sure. But real damage isn't always physical, yknow? It's like, in the mind and soul and shit. You can damage that stuff in anyone.
S.A Starclear - You seem to have a form of a relationship with Jade that's important to you. More so than the other's?
A Steelcart- What? No. I mean (long pause) she reminds me of my daughter that died at a young age. It was kinda my fault and well (pause) look, Jade's a good kid! She just turns into some real monsters sometimes. It's not even her fault!
S.A Starclear - (writes something down) Monsters? Like a large Gnoll dressed in a lab coat that injects unknown properties into unwilling people?
A Steelcart - Oh yeah, him. Ok, she has a bunch of these people hiding inside her. She doesn't choose them, they just emerge from her like, like some kind of random roll on a chart or some shit. It happens when she's endangered or in trouble.
S.A Starclear - We already established the girl is immune to all forms of harm, Cliff. What kind of "danger" can even begin to-
A Steelcart - Feelings! She's sensitive! The people inside her come out to defend her feelings. Some of them are nice...some are well...not.
S.A Starclear - Why don't you just begin telling me all the forms Jade can take?
A Steelcart - Well, there's Doctor Gnoll, he's a scientist, neutral alignment, creepy as fuck and he can control people's minds. Then there's Greg, he's cool, A stone giant who can turn things to stone. Don't piss him off. Then there's Serptina, half snake, half woman. She can teleport anytime she wants, that's how we keep losing track of Jade, actually, and then there's General Grem, a smart ass snooty Goblin who thinks he's god's gift to the world! He can make entire Goblin armies if he get's wet. Yeah he's evil as fuck too.
S.A Starclear - (writing feverishly) How many forms can Jade take?
A Steelcart - The snake lady says 20, but I've only seen the ones I just told you. Oh and PIxx! She can also turn into a Pixie that flies around like a bullet...buuuuuut, you probably don't know what a bullet is.
S.A Starclear - I am familiar with quite a few of the technologies in wideuse where you come from. You mind telling me about your...uh...body, Cliff?
A Steelcart - Magically Mechanized Gloombotics, MMG for short, if you want to be technical. Invented by Victor like a long time ago. I'm the first surviving model actually, retro-crappy if you get my drift (holds up twitching hand). Not trying to brag but, I was the prototype for the Emperor's entire Shaadabot army if you would believe it.
S.A Starclear - Shaadabots?
A Steelcart - Oh yeah! These things are walking death machines! They track you down, find you...and ZAP! You're dead. The Emperor based their designs on my mine. No big deal. Kinda badass though.
S.A Starclear - So, you're a weapon like these Shad-dah-bots?
A Steelcart - (lowering head) Ah, nah. Not like that. I mean I can dish out the punishment, but those things actually self repair. Me? I get damaged and I'm fucked. That's half the reason I travel with the doc, he fixes what breaks and I break what he says needs it...I guess.
S.A Starclear - (pushes two folders forward on table) Like the Moldy-Mug bar, in downtown Vaneesh, where you and your friends acquired the undead head of King Hixxlrr and then attached it to a machine in the secret laboratory under Gloom Manor?
A Steelcart - Hold up, Peter and Ben had no idea about that and Tanner wasn't even part of the group yet. They had no idea about that head.
S.A Starclear - But you knew about it. You know knew who that head was and how Von Gloom was going to use it.
A Steelcart - (long pause) Yeah. He wanted to make a bunch of superheroes with his big machine. He kept saying he would create an army of super powered people who would help him fight Shaadah. He definitely made Peter, Ben, Tanner and Rolfio into something stronger than naturally possible. But he said they were failed experiments. I guess we all were failed...experiments.
S.A Starclear - (gathering he files and standing up) Experiments do not make one a failure or a success, Cliff. Everyone makes that choice themselves. I plan on capturing Victor Von Gloom and bringing him to stand trial for every crime he has committed. And I assure you, I will not fail that. (walking out door) Thank you, Cliff. The King would ask that you continue to be free with the information you have on all these matters. Good day (door closes).