Unicorn Lube

Brings people closer together since 1512 A.S.

"I can hear your questions already, my friend: "Reynardo, why this? Why write about such a strange little concoction? What does it have to do with Valleterna? And have you ever used it yourself?"

You are right to wonder, querido mío. You see, inventions do not arise in a vacuum. They are reflections of the souls who create them. This could only be the work of a true Valleternian heart. Morvathia may be loud in its indulgence, celebrating excess and lust, openly and without shame. But Valleterna? We are romantics. We believe in love without boundaries. Love that adapts. Love that finds a way, even when the world says it should not.

And if a little alchemy helps to forge a bond between two souls, who are we to call that distasteful? Is love not itself a kind of magic? Call it strange, call it indulgent. But I call it beautiful.

As for whether I have used it before…

A bard must keep some mysteries. Otherwise, what would you come back for? So, let me say only this: the paths of love I have walked are rarely straight. And certainly never dull."

— From: "A Fox's Chronicle of Valleterna" by Reynardo de Verdanza

Unicorn Lube is an alchemical compound defined as a "spatially elastic substance, capable of temporarily altering how matter occupies physical space". In practical terms, it allows objects (or bodyparts) to pass into spaces that would otherwise be too small to accommodate them, without causing harm or structural resistance.

The substance was developed by the goblin alchemist Klink Snaggleworks, and is commercially distributed through the company he co-founded, Klink & Kettle Alchemicals. While its applications are theoretically broad, its primary and most widely recognized use lies in facilitating intimacy between partners of significantly differing size.

This intended purpose has rendered the product a subject of ongoing controversy. Critics within more traditional alchemical circles have dismissed it as frivolous or indecorous, while certain cultural groups object to the kinds of relationships it enables.

Unicorn Lube presents as a thick, viscous gel of a distinctive, shimmering purple hue. It is typically sold in small brass and glass containers, each fitted with a stylized unicorn-shaped lid, a detail that has become synonymous with the product's branding. Upon application, the treated surface exhibits a temporary reduction in spatial resistance, allowing it to move through constrained spaces with unusual ease. This effect is temporary, generally lasting about one hour. The lubricant’s ability to stretch space is limited as well. If the size difference between the object and the space is too great, even Unicorn Lube reaches the boundaries of its effectiveness.

Development and Commercial History

The substance now known as Unicorn Lube was first developed in 1512 A.S. under the far less evocative name Spatial Compliance Gel. At the time, Klink & Kettle Alchemicals did not yet exist as a formal enterprise, but rather as a modest traveling venture operated by the goblin alchemist Klink Snaggleworks and his son, Kettle. Moving between settlements across Valleterna, the pair sold a small assortment of elixirs, ointments, and experimental mixtures from the limited storage of a single merchant cart.

A Solution in Search of a Purpose

Klink's original intention of the gel was purely practical. Faced with the persistent limitation of space, he sought to create a substance that would allow goods to be stored more efficiently, enabling the pair to carry a larger inventory during their travels. The resulting gel achieved its intended effect: objects treated with it could be compressed into volumes far smaller than their natural dimensions would permit. However, the duration of the effect proved impossible to extend beyond approximately one hour. Once this threshold was reached, space would reassert itself abruptly, often forcing the stored goods outward with enough force to damage or destroy them. As a logistical solution, the invention was therefore deemed unreliable.

This outcome was, by most accounts, not unusual for Klink Snaggleworks, whose work was frequently regarded by his contemporaries as impractical or commercially unviable. With little success and dwindling funds, the Snaggleworks duo came close to abandoning their trade entirely.

It was at this point that Kettle proposed an alternative application for the gel, one far removed from his father's original intent. Recognizing the substance's ability to reduce spatial resistance, Kettle began discreetly marketing it as a means of facilitating intimacy between partners of differing size. Initially, this was done without Klink's knowledge, as Kettle anticipated that his father would consider such usage beneath the dignity of his craft. Klink's ambitions had always been directed toward recognition as a serious and innovative alchemist, and the notion of his work being repurposed in such a manner was deeply unwelcome.

However, during a Freedom of Love Festival in Brillamarque Kettle succeeded in selling their entire remaining stock within a single week. Faced with undeniable demand, Klink reluctantly accepted the viability of this new application. Together, father and son rebranded the product under the more memorable and deliberately whimsical name Unicorn Lube.

In its early years, the product was widely dismissed within established alchemical circles. It was criticized both for its "lack of refinement" and for the "vulgarity of its primary use". Many reputable shops refused to stock it openly. Nevertheless, demand continued to grow, and a quiet trade emerged, with merchants offering it discreetly under the counter to select customers.

The product's fortune and reputation changed when it reached the Witchrealm of Morvathia. Unlike more conservative regions, Morvathian culture shows little inclination toward secrecy in matters of intimacy. There, Unicorn Lube was adopted openly and without reservation, quickly becoming a common fixture in alchemical storefronts. This visibility, in turn, influenced neighboring regions. Over time, markets in Valleterna, Demenore, and Dorcroix followed suit, bringing the product into broader acceptance and transforming Klink & Kettle Alchemicals into a recognized commercial enterprise.

Despite this success, Klink Snaggleworks himself remained dissatisfied with the legacy of his invention. He is often quoted as remarking, "I solved a fundamental limitation of spatial interaction, and everyone insists on giggling about it."

Following his death, however, Kettle embraced the reputation that had formed around both the product and the company. Under his leadership, the business established its headquarters in Vilandsburg, Morvathia, and adopted the now widely recognized slogan:

"Klink & Kettle Alchemicals: Making the impossible merely inadvisable."

Use, Risk, and Regulation

Like most specialized alchemical products, Unicorn Lube is generally considered a luxury item. Its cost places it beyond routine use for many, and it is often reserved by less affluent interspecies couples for particular occasions. Owing to its relatively long shelf life, however, a single bottle may be stored safely over time and typically provides between ten and fifteen uses.

Proper use is strongly advised to remain within the substance's effective duration of approximately one hour. Beyond this point, the temporary spatial adjustment ceases abruptly, resulting in what is commonly referred to as the “snapback” effect. Should an object or body part remain within a space too small to accommodate it under normal conditions, the consequences may range from severe injury to fatal trauma. Despite the apparent severity of this risk, recorded incidents remain comparatively rare. Nevertheless, the possibility alone is frequently cited in arguments advocating for tighter restrictions or outright prohibition.

In practice, regulation tends to focus less on the substance itself and more on the dangers posed by counterfeit variants. Poorly produced imitations often exhibit significantly shorter durations or unstable effects, making them considerably more hazardous. As a result, many governments strictly regulate the production and sale of Unicorn Lube, and unlicensed replicas are widely classified as illegal to manufacture, distribute, or possess.

Criminal Exploitation and Public Discourse

Beyond its intended applications, the substance has also found use in illicit activities. Its capacity to temporarily reduce spatial resistance has made it attractive to burglars, who employ it to bypass physical barriers, for example by squeezing through gaps in fences or bars. In rarer cases it is also used to hide goods within confined spaces. While its limited duration restricts its reliability for smuggling, its misuse has nonetheless been documented across multiple regions.

One of the most frequently cited incidents occurred in the border city of Karnigarst, where a smuggler attempted to transport contraband into Demenore using the substance in a most ill-advised manner: several lubricated bags of dried redshrump, which he had concealed in his rectum. The situation resolved itself during a routine inspection when the effect expired prematurely, revealing the illegal goods to the horrified guards in the most painful way possible. The case remains a common point of reference in discussions surrounding the misuse of alchemical substances.

Despite such incidents, the relatively high cost of Unicorn Lube limits its accessibility for most common criminals. Still, its association with illicit activity has contributed to ongoing public debate. Critics argue that its risks and misuse justify prohibition, while others counter that nearly all alchemical products are susceptible to similar abuse without attracting comparable scrutiny. In this sense, the controversy surrounding Unicorn Lube appears to reflect not only concerns of safety and legality, but also lingering discomfort with the social contexts in which it is most often employed: Sexual relationships between different kins. For many, this remains a difficult subject even today.

Unicorn Lube by Klink & Kettle Alchemicals

Product Information Leaflet

Product Name: Unicorn Lube
Classification: Spatially Elastic Alchemical Gel
Intended Use: Temporary reduction of spatial resistance for safe and controlled insertion into otherwise inaccessible spaces.

Description

Unicorn Lube is a refined alchemical gel designed to temporarily alter the spatial interaction of treated surfaces. When applied correctly, it allows objects or body parts to pass into confined spaces without resistance or structural harm.

The effect typically lasts about 60 minutes, after which normal spatial properties will reassert themselves.

Instructions for Use

• Apply a moderate amount of gel evenly to the intended surface.

• Ensure all participating parties are aware of the effect duration.

• Proceed carefully and without excessive force.

• Discontinue use immediately if discomfort or instability occurs.

Important Warnings

• Do not exceed the effective duration.

Failure to conclude use within the allotted time may result in sudden spatial reversion ("snapback"), which can cause serious injury. Like, really serious injury. You don't want to know, believe me.

• Spatial elasticity is limited. Do not overextend the effect.

Unicorn Lube does not remove physical constraints entirely. Attempts to force disproportionately large objects into excessively small spaces may result in tissue damage, structural failure, or incomplete spatial compliance. If you are unsure whether something is too large, it likely is. When in doubt, ask a medical professional or dracologist for advice.

• Do not combine with other space-shifting spells and unstable enchantments.

May cause temporary spatial disorientation or localized reality fatigue.

• For external use only.

This classification is maintained for legal purposes. Interpretation remains at the user's discretion. We also don't know what it means.

• Keep away from children, familiars, and untrained apprentices.

Storage

Store in a cool, dry place. Ensure container is tightly sealed. Avoid exposure to direct sunlight or active spellfields.

Legal Notice

Unicorn Lube is a regulated alchemical product. Unauthorized duplication or distribution is punishable under applicable arcane and commercial law.

Manufacturer's Statement

Klink & Kettle Alchemicals accepts no liability for misuse, misjudgment, or overconfidence.

"Klink & Kettle Alchemicals: Making the impossible merely inadvisable."