To Hell and Back Again, A Bitch's Tale by Caldas Ice

Got a contract for some goblins in the mine south of Fiddletown. Guess they'd run the Mining Guild off and were shipping the ore somewhere else. Pay's good, so fuck it. The string bean wasn't with us for this one, Sprig says he wanders off occasionally. Is it weird that I miss 'im?
 
Yeah. Real fuckin' weird. Check that shit, Jean.
 
Trekked through the jungle for a few days. Crestin stabbed a flittershitter that shit out some yellow garbage. Frank an Sprig tried to walk into the damn thing, but we stopped em and moved on. Then Frank decided to yell at a buncha big fuckin' dinos, rest of us fucked off while Frankie communed with nature or some shit. Maybe he whacked off on it, I dunno. Probably, given how often we've caught him with that nightmare dick clutched in his claws. We ran into an older Dragonborn, name of Keldreth, one of the Fiddlefounders or whatever. Said they were out there to burn some shit around the mine. Kinda weird, but whatever.
 
Keldreth took us over to the mine, which seemed abandoned. We watched for awhile an then went in when it got dark. Franklin did a Franklin and made a loud noise (goblin mating call, go fuckin figure) while the rest of us hid for some reason. Nobody showed, so we went down. Found a journal from the hobgoblin commander, said he found something down here. That was the last entry. Found some goblins, Sprig turned into a bear (not as hawt, not really into bears, I guess). Crest killed one and Franklin tossed a torch into the room and blew the whole goddamn thing up. Not clear on if he did that on purpose. I shot the last tunnel monkey.
 
We wandered around for awhile. Found the kitchen and a little goblin. For some reason we didn't instantly kill him, and the Hippie Squad did the thing again where they shit rainbows and cuddliness while I try to keep my lunch down. After arguing for a bit, Ostra yelled something about Rita annoying her. I sympathize. Everyone fuckin annoys me. We headed down there tunnel Gaskwatch told us the commander was. We got the drop on 'em, but didn't make the most of it. I fired two shots into plate armored chestpieces, and Crest and Sprig couldn't break their armor. These guys were hobgoblins, real professional soldiers, not just ragtag tunnel monkeys.
 
The fight could have gone worse, but it definitely could have gone better. Gurgle got the first kill, believe it or not. The hobs surrounded Crestin, hitting him and dividin his attention. Crest's a big stack of rage, but the gobbos were real precise, cut him down. Sprig got Crest back up n ran back down the tunnel. Wolf form wasn't a good fit for the tunnel. Crest hit the ground again while I tried to get everyone to draw the big fuckers back down the tunnel. Frank went down too, I got him up. Frank picked Crest up again, some of the goblins stayed on them while another came after us. I held him back at the narrow part of the tunnel. The big one, Dolrek, cut Crest down a third time. Not a good day for him. We managed to kill the other two, but Dolrek came at him.
 
Goddamn he hit hard. And took some real punishment. I blasted his face open with Persuasion and he kept coming. I just needed to stay up long enough to keep him away from Ostra and Sprig. He was loomin over me, sword up, when Crestin ran him through from behind.
 
Shit. Rest of the tunnel monkeys gave up, we didn't kill em for some reason. Marched the little bastards back home, had to feed em. Glarbuf joined the guild, I guess, Sprig's really protective of him. I don't get these people. They're cold enough to kill any fuckstick gets in our way, but soon as something gives up they turn into mother hens. World's not gonna let em keep that perspective. Reality's a cold bitch, even if sometimes she seems decent, she'll find a way to stab you in the back. Don't fuckin give her the chance.
 
Persuasion's nice. Chambers four bullets, don't have to switch out on every shot. I feel like I'm getting a little better on the draw.
 
I think in the next couple of days we're going to be going to clear some shit out of a research area for the WA. Never liked wizards much, too fuckin high on their own brains. Think I need a hit. I'm going dark until then. If I don't make it back and anybody finds this, don't touch my shit. I put a Death Curse on it. Imagine the worst way to die you can possibly imagine, and then add in worms eating your dick. Slowly. That's what'll happen to you if you touch my shit. So fuck off.