The Lost Bitch; or I Didn't Shoot The Tortle

Well, that was something.
 
Fermycus (never could spell that fucker's name) approached me with a contract; a hunter name of Kaijin said his kid got kidnapped by the puddle jumpers and wanted us to go rescue her. Whatever, long as the pay's good enough. Some of my new 'companions', a string-bean named Kepharel and one of them tortles or whatever named Franklin wanted to renegotiate the contract for some meat. I know, right? Rest of em weren't no better. Ostra's nothing but light n sunshine, as if we needed any more sunshine out here. Crestin's a big hulkin teddy bear, if teddy bears carried big swords. Good for carrying something if you need it, long as he keeps his mouth shut. Speaking of shut mouths, Franklin's trap flaps more'n is good for him. If Sprig doesn't maul him in the next month I might. Sprig's more or less feral, which don't bother me none. Might even like her, given enough time. Kepharel's pretty quiet, which puts him a leg up on most of the others in my book. He got us out of a jam. Preciate that.
 
We head off into the forest. Frang's waiting for us. Catman told us in no uncertain terms not to gossip about merfolk, cuz the big boss's trying to make nice with em or some shit. Naturally, we told him to get fucked and go clean his litterbox or whatever good housecats do. We managed to get deep into the forest following Sprig's nose and to keep Franklin from finding any squirrels to interrogate. Picked up the kids trail, followed it to a kru - kri - kir - a damn bug nest, seems she got grabbed an dragged off. I'm just hoping there's enough left of her to prove we found her. After bickering about whose bow was prettiest or something I got everyone back on track and we went in. Sprig turned into a tiger (fuckin hot) and Franklin's piece o shit dog takes off down the wrong tunnel. Fuckin rookies. Frankie broke the dog's neck or whatever and we followed the blood trail. Oozes ambushed us, one of em eating the kid. Ostra started slicing and the ooze broke into bits that also started moving. Franklin got swallowed, I saved him, not sure why. Keph, Ostra, Sprig n me went to work on the little bastards while Crest pulled the girl out. I got stupid, went down. Came back to Sprig leaning over me and Frankie tryin to make a leg for the little bitch. Frankie wanted to go deeper in the cave to save the fuckin puddle jumpers and almost got the rest of us killed tryin to block out way. I was just wondering why I bothered bringing him back when Keph said something magic, and Frankie's face went slack as a hot ballsack and he followed without a fight. We got the kid out, made camp closer to town. Sprig made the kid feel better by being physically cuddly, Creston by being metaphorically cuddly, while I tried not to hurl. Kept her quiet, I guess. Made it back to town. Judacus, the local priest of everything, started making her a new leg while. Everyone except Frank and Keph started smoking. Ganja's not really my thing, but Frankie was gettin upset about it, so I thought "why the fuck not". Shit's not too bad, actually, though J-Duck's obnoxious.
 
Got paid. Went to Handsome Hag. Got fucked up. Dunno, maybe fucked someone. Hope it was Sprig.