Regrets Inexplicable

by Kalshana

I do not have much to say today. This day has taken a lot out of me and I am not entirely sure how to manifest these into words, into coherent thoughts.

I attacked my friends. I killed Kelarth. Dah'mir got away and I could have stopped it. Tetkashtai is dead (or absorbed?). Virikhad is dead. Medala is seriously traumatised. Dah'mir could seriously screw up everything and this is down to me. I could have been a catalyst for il-Yannah knows how many terrible things because I find it hard to say no to him.

Looking at the previous pages in my journal turns my stomach. How could I be so easily captivated that I could justify to myself to hurt them? If Tzaryan had left us all in the ruins, would I still be so infatuated, so besotted like a silly girl? Would I have continued to stand by and do nothing as Warden is slowly killed in that light-forsaken tree? Would I have thrown more spells at Dax? Geth? Would I have continued to fight until the dust of the chamber was soaked in blood?

Part of me wishes I was human so I could hope that this was a horrible "nightmare" that I could awaken from but that is not the reality within which I live. I need to focus and take responsibility for this. I need to prevent this getting worse and then atone. What else can I do? Run and hide?

I feel...

I think I should speak to Geth. From what I've heard from him and Singe, perhaps he will...understand. Or perhaps he will be as disgusted as Singe seems to be with him.

I...

I can write no longer today. We need to get to Sharn. If I need to walk all day and night to try and get there before they do, it is the least I can do.

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Regrets Inexplicable

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