The Dinner

"Mom likes pot roast right? I think. Or was it the dish that made her throw up for a few days? Oh gods what am I even doing?" The large pot in my hands jostles around and gets dangerously close to spilling while I purchase an apple tart. At least she can eat this. I used to pick these up a lot when I was little. What's the matter with her? I told her I'd come back home and I did that. Honestly that makes me a good child. Better than our shop's competitor's son. He just up and left one day. He didn't even tell me anything which is saying something. I smile as I walk and think of the forbidden friendship between us. The afternoons spent in the sun on the beach while we stitched clothing were some of the best days I ever had. He was kind and didn't care that I was... well me.
 
I remove my smiling mask when I arrive in front of the barracks. She hates me. No, loves me? Something between? I can't help but feel whatever happened with my father and her I was the cause of it. It wasn't spoken but it seemed clear in my mothers' circle of friends. The few people she could calls friends that is. Mom sure as hell didn't need him. But then again, I only saw her pick up the pieces and move on. How much pain could she have hidden from a five year old child who just wanted daddy to come home?
 
I stopped asking for him when I was eight. I had asked my mom about him earlier in the evening and we got into a fight over it. The comfort of my hammock in my room was welcome. My room was warm and quiet. I could hear the sea crashing outside my window. It was my escape. Later , I found Idris reading old love letters and drinking her fourth pint of ale that evening. I just held her as she cried until she fell asleep. I put her to bed that night and slept in the same room to make sure she was safe. Its the only day in recent memory I can think of that I was awake before she was. We've never talked about that evening. Or about it. Nothing in or out about my father. Mom said we have each other and that's enough. Until now that is.
 
The door is lighter than I expect and it announces my arrival. The barracks dining area has mismatched wood furniture and a with low lighting radiating from a few torches. In the darker side of the room I see my mother. I regret everything. I shouldn't have left. I-"Take a seat Aerilyn. I've laid out some dishes so we can go ahead and start eating." Idris seems tired. I move to sit down. Not watching where I was going, I ran into another person here. His White, straight hair slightly covers a thin, wild face. Round black eyes, set well within their sockets, watch intensely over our table. Tribal marks in the form of 1 stripe above and 2 stripes below both his eyes like the fishermen in Spira. There is a large scar across his nose and makes his face appear to be scrunched up. There's something puzzling about him, perhaps it's a feeling of anguish or a grudge of some kind against us.
 
He clinches his fist and takes a few steps back without turning his back on me. "I'm not him y'know?" The expression on his face looks as though I slapped him. The wooden chairs were surprisingly comfortable. "So..." I say to get Idris's attention. She leans over to me without looking away from him. "He needs to leave. No one else can know this. Please I'm begging you." He immediately speaks up, "Ma'am, its my job to watch over you both Can't have anything, uh, happen..." He seems to take a bite of the last word of his sentence.
 
I serve dinner and can clearly see Idris doesn't want to eat this. "I feel self conscious. Like I'm an animal in a cage." "Mom, eat your dinner its getting cold." She stiffens. "Aerilyn, I would do anything for you. I mean anything. Please have this man leave and then we can talk." I look into those sunken eyes and see his resolve. "You would do anything? Anything at all?" She nods. "Tell me about dad." She considers it for a moment. "We can whisper if that's better. Mom, I just need to know what is happening to me." I take her hand and hold it in mine. Her fingers rub my palm in a comforting gesture and she gives me a soft smile.
 
"Alright, quietly." I hold my breath. "As you already know, I was an adventurer." "In your youth?" She squeezes my hand a little too tightly and narrows her eyes. "I'm nowhere near past that.... I met Timmothy while part of this party and he eventually joined us. We seemed to immediately click. He was...charming. But gods did he take forever to warm up to me. Shy I suppose" A dull clinking is heard as she stabs her fork into her empty bowl. I can see the sadness in her eyes. Maybe reliving a memory? "He was a ranger, right?" That seems to snap her out of it.
 
"Yes. He was. Our combat styles ended up serving us well in the under dark. The rest of the party didn't make it but we did. That's who we are. We find the light in the dark and find our way out." I nod my head, recognizing this as something Idris said often while I was growing up. "It was my fault. What happened. Everything since then." No. Not true. "Mom, dad was a monst-" "He was your hero. Fuck Aerilyn, he did everything for you because of me. I was a fool to fall in love and I have paid for it every day since he left." She pushes her bowl aside and rests her head in her hands. Mournful yellow eyes look into mine.
 
"I wasn't going to have children. Ever." That stung. "Mom...are you implying it's my fault?" She vigorously shakes her head no. "I'm sure you have realized our family has a pact. To have something we must give something. Did you know I had an older brother?" No. Idris always said she was an only child. "I needed money. Desperately, after my party died. So I signed and..." I lean forward. "What did you do," I say a little more aggressively than I intended.
 
"I got the sewing needle I gave you. That needle saved my life and all it cost was...you." Rage. White hot rage. "You SACRIFICED ME?!" "Not just you! Generations of first born children in our family. I always told myself I wouldn't have children so signing the pact wasn't a problem but your damn father...your father was stubborn. Wanted, no, needed me. Even when I explained to him the possible cost he insisted our love could figure a way out....and then you were born. Horns and all."
 
Uncomfortable, I glance at the guard. His dark eyes are focused on my mother and he hangs on every word. "We had a choice to make. Lose our main income or lose our baby girl." She touches my cheek. "Timmothy loved you so much. No, loves. He waited until we were fast asleep and invited the demon into our home. Aerilyn, something always has to be given." Tears in her eyes, she says, "Your father sacrificed himself for you." Stunned, I ask, "Is he alive?"
 
"Alive is a difficult term for it. He used his training and set a trap for the monster with a dream snare and other dark magic. My love, you have to know I didn't think it would go this far. He would never, ever-". "BUT HE DID." The guard finally speaks. "That asshole made Spira hell on earth. Demon or not, his spirit should have been strong enough to withstand it." I see my mother begin to draw her dagger. "I just- I just meant that... my life would be so different if I didn't. Didn't uh....yeah." He runs a hand across his scar.
 
Its quiet. "I'm sorry" Idris says and sheaths the weapon. "The day he left, he was shooting at you. He missed, thank gods, but I've never experienced more fear than in those moments. I managed to fight him off but he was dead to me from that moment on. His war he chose to lead had nothing to do with me. Please believe me baby." I stand from the table and walk towards the door. "You promised my soul to hell. That's not something I can forgive easily." "I know, but I am going to make things right. I'm starting by giving you that needle. Maybe you will be stronger than me. I never want to see it again. Maybe I'll move somewhere else. Sgand has taken everything from me, including you. "
 
Painful but partially true. I don't turn to face her but place the apple tart on the table. "If you want to make things right meet me at the tavern at dawn. I'll know your intentions then." I spare a glance behind me as I leave and recognize the boy from the tailor shop around the corner. His face is filled with hate. And I am as well.