The Totally Accurate Inn Tour
“The Last Home’s amazing! You’ll love it! Unless it eats you. But that’s only happened, like, twice!”
HELLO, NEWBIE!!
You made it through the front doors without bursting into flame or screaming about dimensional vertigo—NICE WORK! You’re already ahead of the last guy! (He’s fine now. Mostly. Tess turned the wailing into a song.)
So, guess what? I’m giving you the tour! I’m Rika. Maid. Muscle. Mayhem incarnate. If something breaks, I fix it! If something fights, I punch it! If something doesn’t fight, I might still punch it just to make sure it knows I’m watching!
Ready? LET’S GOOOOOOO!
The Taproom (AKA The Party Starts HERE)
The Taproom is the biggest, loudest, best-smelling bit of the Inn. Roasted meat! Crackling fires! Stories being told way too loudly! Drinks that might technically be weapons!
Lars is behind the bar. Looks like he hasn't blinked since the Second Age. He runs this place, somehow, and nothing surprises him anymore. Don’t try.
Tess sings here. If your drink doesn’t make you feel something, her voice will. Probably in your knees.
DON’T. SIT. IN DAVE’S CHAIR. That’s not a threat. That’s just physics.
And if you’re brave (or dumb), try Oni Slam—that’s my drink! Three kinds of fermented. One kind of explosive. Drink two and gain the strength to suplex your regrets.
The Kitchen (She Feeds You. Fear Her.)
This is Mama Jori’s domain.
Step wrong in here and the spoons will judge you. Don’t steal her ladle. Don’t breathe too loudly. DO eat what she gives you. It might be soup. It might be revelation. Same thing, really.
Her stew can fix your soul. Or reset your childhood trauma. Either way—YUM.
Her drake, Whiskers, lives on a cushion. He’s bigger than a horse and naps like it’s a competitive sport. He has a teddy bear. That is his. You do not touch it.
If the oven starts humming? Run. Or dance. I’m not sure what it wants. But either way—it’s gonna be memorable!
The Cellar (If You Hear Something, It’s Already Too Late)
OH MY GODS THE CELLAR. I love this place. I also fear it. It’s complicated.
Stuff just… appears here. Need wine? BAM. There it is. Need onions? SURPRISE! Cursed fish!
You leave supplies in the centre. Turn around. Walk away. DO. NOT. LOOK. BACK.
One guy turned back once. He still twitches when near jam jars.
Whiskers handles the rats. They’re big. Like “could win an arm-wrestling tournament” big. Sometimes one gets out. That’s when I get involved.
If the floor starts breathing? Go upstairs. Tell Lars. Bring snacks. It calms the furniture.
The Guest Wings (Just Follow Your Key!)
The rooms are comfy! Cozy! Confusing! And very possibly alive!
If you’ve got your key, you’re fine. The Inn leads you right to your room, like a good magical chaos-blob. But if you don’t have your key?
You're going on an adventure. Possibly your last.
The hallways bend, twist, and loop like a drunk snake playing hide-and-seek. Don’t map them. Don’t argue with them. Just walk with confidence and hope for the best.
DO NOT open doors that aren’t yours. One guy did. We still don’t know which plane he ended up on. He sent a postcard once. It bled.
The Library (No, You Can’t Fight the Books. I Asked.)
Past the Taproom is the Library, and OH BOY is this place spooky-wonderful.
It’s huge. It’s shadowy. It judges you.
Seraphis runs it—our terrifyingly elegant vampire librarian. She’ll let you read stuff. Maybe. But if you take a book without asking? Lucian appears. Silently. And then you remember all your past mistakes at once.
Some of the books whisper. One of them proposed to me. I said no. We’re still friends.
The Staff Quarters (NO GUESTS. Unless You're Sylvie.)
This is where the Legendary Maids live. Our home. Our disaster zone.
Do. Not. Enter.
Unless you want to meet the Wall of Terrible Decisions. It's a trophy wall. A cursed mess of souvenirs. One item is labelled “Not Our Fault.” It absolutely was.
We’ve got sparring mats, mismatched furniture, and an ongoing competition to see who can make Carmella yell “Unacceptable!” the loudest. (Current record: Freya. She shattered a window.)
Sylvie gets to bring people in. No one knows why. Probably a loophole in reality.
The Garden (Gorgeous. Menacing. Absolutely Judging You.)
It’s quiet. Pretty. Smells like apples and mild danger. Love it.
You can nap under the trees! Or get devoured by the Maze! Maybe both! Pick your own apples—Briarhorn’s fruit is... an experience. One guy saw his future. Then got grounded by it.
There’s a pond. Fish at your own risk. If it looks back, wave politely and leave.
There’s also a forge, an alchemist’s cottage (Fizz is NOT a gnome), stables, gazebo, and Seraphis occasionally appears in reading mode, which means DO NOT DISTURB unless you want a book to explode near your head.
Unnamed Weirdness You’ll Meet Eventually
- The balcony: great for speeches or dramatic exits.
- The Conspiracy Club: do not join. They won’t shut up about Dave.
- That one locked door? Don’t open it. If you do, don’t say I didn’t warn you. I did. I’m doing it now.
Final Thoughts From Rika (That’s Me!!)
This Inn is wild. It breaks rules. Sometimes it breaks bones. But it’s home.
Be loud. Be bold. Be respectful of the really weird things. And if something tells you not to open a door—suplex responsibly.
Now grab a drink, make a friend, and remember:
If something attacks you in the middle of the night, yell “MMA! MMA! MMA!” and I’ll be there!
...or Freya will. Which is probably scarier.
WELCOME HOME!
At A Glance
What This Is:
A shouty, chaotic tour of The Last Home as narrated by Rika Thunderale, Legendary Maid and walking cannonball of friendliness.
Why It Matters:
This is how the Inn feels to someone who loves it out loud. It's your primer to the weird, the wondrous, and the wildly unsafe—delivered with infectious enthusiasm.
How to Use It:
- Scene setting for players
- Flavour for new arrivals
- The only survival guide yelled at full volume
Important Rule:
Don't sit in Dave’s chair. Don’t take Seraphis’ books. Don’t eat Briarhorn’s apples unless you really need a character arc.
Also:
Bring snacks. Punch rats. Don’t die. Unless it’s hilarious.
Things I’ve Done
(And Got Yelled At For, Mostly By Freya)
Taproom:
Rebuilt a table using only chairs. Then tested it with a suplex. It failed. So did I.
(Freya said “this is why we can’t have nice things.” She wasn’t wrong.)
Kitchen:
Tried to flip a pancake using only my hands and optimism. Sent it through the ceiling. It landed on a chandelier.
(Freya sighed for ten full seconds. Jori still won’t let me near the batter.)
Cellar:
Wrestled a cursed keg back into its containment circle. It bit me. I bit back.
(Freya appeared mid-suplex. “Rika,” she said, “we talked about the barrels.”)
Guest Wings:
Kicked open a door labelled “Do Not Enter.” Accidentally found a couple in the middle of a very personal ritual.
(Freya didn’t yell. She just stared. The silence still haunts me.)
Library:
Tried to reshelve a book by punching it toward the shelf. The book dodged. The shelf did not.
(Freya didn’t say a word. Seraphis smiled. I still wake up sweating.)
Garden:
Challenged a hedge beast to an arm-wrestling match. Won. Accidentally became its pack leader.
(Freya banned me from leading shrub-based cults. Again.)
Maze:
Entered it on a dare. Didn’t get lost. Maze got lost around me.
(Freya fought three hedge-wolves and yelled “WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS” mid-spin-kick.)
Staff Quarters:
Tried to “test” the floor’s bounce capacity. It worked. So did the concussion.
(Freya added “No Testing Gravity” to the whiteboard. I added “Again.”)
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