I died last night.
It is so surreal, putting it into words on paper like that. I find myself appreciating tiny, insignificant things, like the smell of the ink, the sound of the nib scratching paper, the familiar weight of a pen in my hand. (I should start sketching again. Nothing like dying to get you to realize the precious little time you have to enjoy things.)
Tally and I
fought for the first time. I still feel exhausted from it, not to mention the injuries that I sustained. Integrity's spell brought me back, but only just. My body went from mortally wounded to critically wounded and it hurts even to write. I feel sleep tugging at me insistently, no matter how long I rest. I cannot really find it in myself to be annoyed about the matter; I am just too tired.
I saw something before I died. I saw you, Lily, and our parents, and all the things that made me happy, but I saw her, too. I saw a future with her. I wanted it so badly, and to realize that I could never have it with her, that I could not give her that happiness--I did not forget it after coming back. I want to tell her, but I am afraid of her rejection. We have not known one another long enough by human standards, let alone elven ones. Thankfully she identifies far more with human culture, but it is still something that happened so fast. I fear I may frighten her away.
And I cannot help but wonder; did I see you, when I died? If just for a brief moment, were you there to meet me? I do not remember death itself, only the sensation of slipping away. A tiny part of me regrets that I could not stay with you. You probably are not alone; our ancestors are out there somewhere, with you, but I wanted to see you again. Of course I do not want to leave my life behind, here, but I feel so torn. I know I will be with you again someday but it is just so hard. I know I could never say this to Tally. My habit of being in danger already worries her enough.
And there is
Medericus . I promised him that I would not leave him, as many of his loved ones have done. But of course weeks later, I do just that. He will be unhappy with me, but what choice was there? I protected. I did what I was meant to do, in the short moment I had to do it. I still feel miserable wondering how he will react later.
There is also the matter of
Crawler herself. Lily, I cannot know your feelings about our old enemy anymore. I cannot know if you would be upset that I protected one of them after you were killed by her kin. I hope not. Crawler is... if nothing else, she is fiercely protective and loyal to her friends. And she is a loner, away from the clan that caused us so much grief. I had to protect her. I owed it to her and to the innocent one I killed.
I find myself thinking also of our parents. I am so afraid of finding out they were captured or killed. I think about it daily, and now the thought is loud in my head. I want to try and find them, but... it is so hard to push through what I cannot know. If they died along with you, I cannot imagine how I will react. I do not think I could take that kind of grief.
I am so tired. My thoughts are all muddled and I feel so empty and full at the same time, like I am watching myself feel all of it from afar instead of experiencing it myself. I should try and rest.
I will see you again someday.
-Jasttor
Comments