Tally and Jasttor - 2 Aymeri
An Argument
The day after the Harvest Festival, everything ached. Tally could barely bring herself to get up to let Bandit out (something Jasttor would normally do first thing in the morning when he got up for the day) and carefully ease back into bed next to Jasttor. For just a few minutes, she watched as he slept, grateful for the even way the blanket rose and fell with his breathing. She'd been too tired to dwell on it the night before, but the stillness of his body when Faelan checked him over and shook his head seemed happen all over again every time she closed her eyes.
He'd died. Not almost died. Actually died.
And they'd been so lucky, so incredibly lucky that Teg showed up when she did. Tally didn't want to imagine what would happen if she hadn't.
Once the sun was up, Tally busied herself with tidying up. In her hurry to just get Jasttor to bed, Tally had tossed aside all their belongings, reasoning they could be dealt with in the morning. Now that she was awake, she caught the smell of acid and swamp coming from a corner of the room. Neither of them had been directly hit, but the scent seemed to cling to their discarded clothes. That'd definitely have to go. Tally wasn't going to let Jasttor wake up to that stench.
By the time she was finished, it was almost noon. She'd thrown the windows open, tossed their dirty clothes into the bag of holding until they could be washed, and opened one of her vials of lavender perfume to help mask the stink. It wasn't a whole lot, but it was all she could do without leaving the room and Tally wasn't going anywhere. Just as she sank down next to the bed, resting her head on the edge near the pillow, Tally heard the telltale sharp inhale and stretching of Jasttor waking up and perked up. She waited until he opened his eyes before giving him a small, relieved smile.
"Good morning, varna'mael," Tally nearly whispered, leaning over to give him a soft kiss on the forehead.
Jasttor noticed several things when he finally woke and stretched: the sun was far too high in the sky for morning, he was bundled from chin to toes beneath his blanket, and his entire body felt more pain than he'd ever experienced in his life. The pain he felt just from stretching was enough to knock the wind out of him for a few moments; he squeezed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth against the wave of intense, pulsing agony as his nerves reminded him he was alive. He felt a sense of malaise, head throbbing like he was getting over the worst hangover he'd ever had. A slight weight shifted the bed, the source of it was very warm and soft and welcome. He felt himself shift closer to it automatically, sighing at the feeling as it pressed against his forehead. Tally's scent washed over him and he automatically sought her out, hands reaching from beneath his blanket to tug her closer. He loved how warm she was already, but suddenly Jasttor found himself eternally grateful for the fire just beneath her skin that made the chill deep in his bones melt away. He tried to speak, but his mouth felt too dry. He cleared his throat and spoke in a voice that sounded weak and thready even to his own ears. "How long have I been asleep?"
Tally hummed as he pulled her close, careful to avoid touching where he'd been wounded. "Yeah, it's not actually morning anymore, huh? You've been out just a few hours longer than usual," she answered quietly, nuzzling against his shoulder. "I know you like being up early, but... you need rest. Plus, Teg'd probably kill me if you were up and moving around already." She paused for a moment. "Are you hungry? I think I could strong-arm the kitchen into letting me bring some food back if you're up for trying to eat right now."
As much as he wanted to argue with her, Jasttor was far too tired to try and think about getting up just yet. She offered to get food and he tugged her to him insistently, not wanting her to leave. "No. Stay, please," he asked. "I do not have much of an appetite anyways." He pressed his body a little closer to hers and made a contented noise, tangling his leg between hers. "The warmth feels much better," he sighed, and let it sink into him for a few minutes. The muscles in his chest seemed to loosen somewhat with her pressed against him and Jasttor felt himself breathe easier, even going so far as to get carried away in a huge yawn that stretched his lungs. Something itched at his stomach and he reached to scratch it, wincing when he hit something tender. Rolling slightly apart from Tally, he looked down at himself, touching raised wounds with his hand with a grim expression. Long, angry marks razed his chest and belly, one even going as far as his throat and neck; three more made a mismatched cross on the other side, and peppering his torso and his chest were tooth marks--notably, a perfect puncture over each lung and right over his heart. Jasttor was almost grateful he couldn't feel when the dragon had torn into him, but the terror of being unable to draw breath wouldn't be leaving his mind soon. He shuddered, but then met Tally's eyes with a humorless smile. "I suppose being left with scars is a small price to pay."
Tally watched with an almost morbid fascination as he pulled back the blankets. She hadn't really been able to bring herself to look while he slept and it'd been too dark to really see when they crawled into bed the night before. She'd seen the tear at his neck, watched him bleed out on the floor of the royal great hall, but these scabbed over wounds, some still red from blood or irritation, were so much more than she'd seen. Tally winced for just a moment before turning back to face Jasttor with a small smile of her own. "Well, y'know, I hear some women find scars attractive," she half teased. "I mean, it's never been my thing, but... well, they're better than... y'know..." She leaned forward and kissed the side of his face gently. "I still don't know why you did that. I mean, I get it, but..." Tally shook her head a little and dropped back down onto the pillow with a light thud. "I dunno. I... I really hope we don't end up in another situation like that." With a small, humorless smile, she added, "Now I know how you felt all those times I almost died."
Jasttor huffed a half-hearted laugh at her remark, quickly stifling it when it irritated the wounds. "They will be better when they hurt less," he complained, still smiling as he curled into that intimate space with her. He was quiet for a long time, face pensive as he played absently with the hair at the back of her head. He still wasn't quite sure why he'd so readily leapt in like that, either. "I... think it might have been a few things," he said slowly, as if figuring it out as the words came. "Seeing Crawler dive in so recklessly to fight a common enemy, watching her try so hard to free Marroshok--even risking her life. Knowing myself, I would have expected to think, 'if someone like... her,'" he paused, looking at Tally apologetically again for his bias, "'can be so brave, and stand in the face of danger, a paladin of Bahamut should certainly be able to do the same.'" Jasttor frowned, looking down as if trying to figure himself out. "But... that was not my first thought. The spell came like instinct. It just happened. As if... it had been you, or Medericus, or Kitrick, or any of us out there. She stared Death in the face, ready to be taken down, and I just... I could not let it happen without doing--" His breath caught, pain flaring in his chest as if reminding him to keep it down. He was quiet for a few moments, calming himself and timing his breathing while wondering if Teg had any sort of painkilling medicine. The numbing agents Relentless had put into those chewable sticks sounded really good right about now. "I am still unsure how to feel about Crawler," he said after a few moments. "I just..." Jasttor trailed off, unsure of what to add, or how to put what he was feeling into words. Everything about his own emotions around Crawler was complicated. He still couldn't find it in himself to trust her if he thought about it, but his gut instinct kept going against what his mind had already put in place about her. All the signals of danger were absent until he put them there. It was a block he still couldn't get over, and he wasn't sure how or if it was ever going to come up with Crawler later. Jasttor settled on letting his shoulders relax in a sigh, realizing he'd been tensing up and making everything hurt worse. "I am sorry I put you through that," he told Tally sincerely, brushing hair from her eyes. "I hope that next time I will actually have my armor, instead of fancy but useless clothing. Though..." The ghost of a real smile pulled at the corner of his mouth, softening his features. "I never did get to tell you, with everything happening so fast, but you looked... beautiful last night."
Tally watched his eyes quietly, listening as Jasttor spoke with just a bit of curiosity and a muffled sort of frustration. She understood what he was getting at. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time and, while she'd normally never consider Jasttor impulsive, he always seemed to be the first to act when something needed to be done for the greater good. Normally, that was something she admired about him. It was one of the parts of him that inspired her to do better, too. But watching him bleed out on the floor, seeing the horror and fear on Crawler's face, knowing that now both twins had seen each other die... Tally couldn't see the greater good in it at all. Sure, Crawler was fine and it was because of her they were able to finish off that dragon, but it didn't seem worth the pain it'd caused. And what if Teg hadn't shown up in time? What if she hadn't been there at all? Would they be able to afford the kind of diamond they'd need to bring him back? Tally would've dropped any and all pretense at being a good person to steal a diamond like that if she could, but that would've only caused more damage in the long run, even if they managed to find one that belonged to an asshole who didn't deserve it. But Tally didn't have the heart to tell Jasttor as much just then. Not when he needed rest. Except, when he apologized, it got harder to keep it in, to the point where a few frustrated tears spilled down the side of her face. "Just promise you won't do it again. I think once was enough for one lifetime," she replied, ducking her head to dry her eyes on the pillow. "And, yeah, armor probably would've helped. Though," she added, "I did like the useless fancy clothes, too. Maybe we'll get a better chance to wear them. No black dragons allowed."
Jasttor watched emotions flash across Tally's face, her eyes shining with tears until they fell. She tried to hide them, to hide her frustration, and Jasttor's brows drew together. She'd been there for him when he needed her reassurance, and he wanted to be the same for her. He reached for her face and cupped the side of it, turning her to look at him fully. "Tally. Itov, you do not need to hide from me. I know you must be a little angry with me. I can take it." He brushed some of the wetness from her face, propping himself to sit up a little higher with a wince. He hesitated, his eyes, dimmed with the knowledge that he had just died and come back, searching hers before he spoke again. "I cannot promise you that I will not do something like that again. When I came here, I was... I was so lost. I needed a purpose. I needed something to throw myself into, and I chose the life of a paladin. I chose oaths I cannot break, even... even for you, as much as it k--as much as it hurts me not to," he said, quickly changing his wording in light of last night's events. "What I can promise you is that I can be better prepared. I can be sure not to be caught without protection for myself again." His heart squeezed painfully in his chest at the way her lashes clung together with tears, hating how much all this hurt her. He had wondered, before, why some paladins chose a celibate life without romantic love, but it all came together with the pain he felt in making Tally cry over him. For some, they thought it better to be lonely than to break others' hearts. Jasttor wondered if he was being selfish by continuing this with her. The thought of being without her took his breath away, but making her feel this way was far worse. He pressed his snout against her forehead for one, two, three, four seconds, before murmuring in a quiet voice, "Tally. With how often we come so close to losing one another... I think we need a plan for if... if it happens. Not just for when we put ourselves in danger. But..." Jasttor takes in a shaky breath. "Tally, even if we both live our lives to the fullest extent, you are going to outlive me. I do not care about--about races or our differences or whatever there is between us. I love you. I love you so much," he breathed, cupping her face in both his hands to look her in the eyes so she could see his sincerity. "But I cannot always be there with you. And we need to think about...preparing you for when it happens."
Tally couldn't believe her ears. She'd known, of course, that she'd someday outlive Jasttor. It was something she'd tried not to dwell on, but lingered in the back of her mind like a particularly loud fly buzzing about incessantly. But she couldn't believe that, of all the times for him to bring it up, he'd decided to wait until just after he'd already died. And bringing up his oaths, of all things. Tally knew perfectly well they'd have to throw themselves into danger, to protect as many people as they could, even against impossible odds. That was just what Jasttor did and it filled Tally with such immense pride to stand beside him like that, saving as many as possible. She could be comfortable with that, dangerous as it was. But there was nothing comforting about knowing that he was willing to give up his life so easily or that he seemed to want Tally to plan for things as if he was already dead. Tally pushed back from him, careful not to agitate his wounds but not bothering to hide the tears now streaming down her face. "Fine. Yeah, I'm angry. I'm angry about- about everything! I'm angry that I had to watch you die. Not almost, actually die. I'm angry that you don't seem to get that self-sacrifice isn't always right! And I'm especially angry that, after literally watching you die, you think now is the best time to talk about when you're gone for real!" She shook her head and stood, trying to take a deep breath to calm herself to no avail. "And, yeah, I know I'm going to outlive you. I knew it from the very beginning and, yeah, it scares the shit out of me. But that's not going to stop me from wanting to spend our lives together." A small, hiccup-like sob came from the back of her throat. "Except what's the point if you're just waiting for someone to die for? That's not protecting anyone! Who the hell is a corpse going to protect, huh?"
As soon as she stepped away from him, Jasttor's hand automatically reached out, missing her warmth. He recoiled as if burned by fire when he saw her expression, eyes flicking back and forth between hers as his own anger grew to match hers. "I am not trying to die, Tally!" he insisted, unable to stand quite yet but pushing himself doggedly to sit at the edge of the bed. The recent scars stood out in the light, ugly and raised and red. "But it is a reality I have to face, and I dragged you into it and forced you to face it, too. Maybe talking about it now is cruel, but it is the truth, and it is nothing but selfishness on my part for waiting so long to say anything." His chest burned, but he ignored it. Shaking his head bitterly at himself, Jasttor continued. "I started this with far more willingness to give up my life in exchange for something bigger than me. Back then I was ready to throw myself into anything that would make up for my past deeds. I welcomed a noble death." He took a sharp breath, gritting his teeth and swearing at the insistent burn of his wounds before continuing in a quieter tone. "And then you came along. And you made me want things for myself--want things for you. I had not thought of my own future for years." He avoided looking at her, feeling angry and frustrated tears forming. "But now I want something with you. And it terrifies me that I will leave you behind someday, or that you or I will die doing all this--" He waved his hand in a vague circle above his head, "--and we will never be able to have that." He finally looked back up at her, expression strained with pain and emotion. "I have already lost so much. I have already gone through unbearable pain because of it, and I do not want to go through it again. And I do not want you to have to without being ready for it, either."
"You didn't force me into anything! I chose to be here!" Tally all but shouted back, fire and fury in her eyes as she resisted the urge to force him to lay down again. "I chose this! I chose to be with you, to love you so much it fucking kills me every time I have to leave, to do it anyway, to run the risk of one or- or both of us getting killed, to know that, unless something happens, I will watch you die! But every single fucking day I choose this. I choose you. Because as painful as it is, as hard as it is, having you around for however long we have is worth it. And I intend to make that last as long as possible." Her chest ached and everything in her begged her to just let it go, let the argument go so he could rest. She wanted so desperately to let her voice soften and be gentle with him again. But an even deeper ache urged her on. "Nothing prepares you for losing someone you love, Jasttor. Trust me, I watched my own father waste away for years. I knew he would die. I was prepared for it. It doesn't fucking help at all to acknowledge that it'll happen and you just have to accept it. So, no, I'm not going to just accept that you're comfortable with dying to spare someone else. I wholeheartedly fucking refuse to accept that. This is a goddamn rebellion, Jasttor, and we can't afford to be martyrs. Not now, not ever."
Jasttor's mouth set a hard line as he listened, brows pulling together as Tally laid into him. He felt a mix of frustration and stubbornness and disbelief at how much she dealt with just to even be with him in the first place, and part of him wondered why she'd ever sacrifice that much, why she'd ever choose him over someone who could give her more. It was quickly swallowed up by guilt and then more anger as she spoke of her father and of his comfort in dying to spare someone else. His voice grew louder, rough and growling, speaking half in Draconic and half in Common as his frustration hit its peak. "Did I not just say that I am not trying to die?! It is not that I am 'comfortable with dying to spare someone else'. With Crawler it was not--xsiol--it just happens sometimes, I do not think about it, I just do it!" His lip curled over his teeth. "'Always be prepared to stand before evil or injustice to save a life, even in the face of impossible odds.' That is just one thing, just one of the oaths drilled into my head. Those who gave me these, these skills, these abilities--tir wux siofme astahii majak vi xsio--do you think they care what the circumstances are for breaking any of them?" He snorted. "No. Oathbreaker, is what I would be. And I would not be able to help anyone at all." He panted heavily, teeth showing as he dragged in breaths. The pain was only driving his anger and guilt further. "Karshoj, this hurts. And you of all people should know I understand how that feels--to lose someone dear to you. Of course I know it is never something you can completely be prepared for. I just..." He made a helpless gesture, wincing and pressing a hand to the largest slash wound to try and help keep it from throbbing. Jasttor sighed, feeling some of the adrenaline wear off and make him feel just... drained. "I watched people--my parents--let my sister die without doing anything about it. I refuse to stand by and let the same thing happen to anyone else. I cannot pretend that does not involve situations I will not come out of." He raised his hand feebly. "I want to live, Tally. For you. For myself, for the first time in a very long time. I do not go willingly to die. I promise you that."
"Good," she answered quietly, finally at least a little reassured that he meant it. She had known, at least peripherally, that he had no choice but to keep to his oaths, but not that he could really be powerless if he abandoned them. And the way he all but spat the word oathbreaker made her wince guiltily. She'd never heard the word in that context before. This time it sounded like a literal curse rather than just calling someone dishonest. He was at least right about one thing; there was still too much they hadn't talked about. There was too much she just didn't know enough about be smart about how they fought together. Tally took a deep, shaky breath and crept close enough to gently push back on Jasttor's shoulders, easing him back into bed with a weary smile. "When you've had a chance to rest and.." she gestured guiltily at the wounds he'd irritated by sitting up, "recover, we need to talk about what those oaths of yours mean you can and cannot do. Things you can't back away from, even if they'll get you killed. Because I'll be damned if I ever put you in a situation like that again, where the only right thing you can do is take that kind of hit for someone else." Tally took another shaky breath to calm herself and looked Jasttor straight in the eyes. "I'm not the only one invested in making sure you're safe, you know. There are," she stopped herself briefly, remembering her promise, "more people than you know who want to look out for you, too. But we need to know how to do that without making you choose between living and breaking your word." Tally hesitated for just a second before reaching out to cup the side of his jaw. "Let us help you, varna'mael. It's, uh.. kind of what we're here for."
Jasttor briefly gave Tally a stubborn look as she insistently pressed at his shoulders, but he relented--half because he loved her enough to not be petulant, and half because he was in immense amounts of pain. "Situations like that arise whether we like it or not," he replied, his voice matching her lack of anger and volume now. "I think what might help is not going into dangerous missions without proper protections and preparations in place. At least as best we can manage." His face softened as she talked about people who wanted to make sure he was safe, remembering how Integrity looked when he first woke again from death. Her eyes were wild with desperation, hoping, relieved. And something there that reminded him of his mother, the way she'd look at him and Lily when she thought they were asleep. He thought about the promise he'd made to Medericus and winced internally, realizing there was an apology to be made to him. Jasttor remembered the way the bard's expression looked when Medericus played that song to him as he fell back asleep, tucked in the crook of Crawler's giant arm. Jasttor didn't want to hurt any of them. He leaned automatically into her touch, shivering both with the sheer jolt of warmth and with relief. This was the first time they'd really ever fought, and he had a feeling it might not be the last--but she loved him, and he loved her, and at the end of the day that was what mattered. He took her face in both his hands and gave her a tired smile. "All right. But only I do not have to yell any more; it is not the best feeling right now," he said, giving a crooked sort of smile. Rubbing the pads of his thumbs across her cheeks, he wiped away the tears that had fallen. Jasttor had trouble leaning up from this angle, so he pulled her down instead, kissing her slowly and insistently before pulling away. "I love you, Tally. I hope you know that."
Tally all but melted against him, easing into the kiss so slowly and deliberately she could barely contain herself. As angry as she had been, she could never stay that way with him for long. "I know. I love you, too. I really, really do." She pressed her forehead against his with a tired, relieved smile. "But we can talk about this later. I think I need to go pester Teg for some ointments or painkillers or both. Don't worry," she added, anticipating his protests, "I won't be gone long. I only need to stop and talk to one other person before I come back, okay? It'll be quick." Tally pressed a quick kiss to his forehead and pulled away.
Jasttor noticed several things when he finally woke and stretched: the sun was far too high in the sky for morning, he was bundled from chin to toes beneath his blanket, and his entire body felt more pain than he'd ever experienced in his life. The pain he felt just from stretching was enough to knock the wind out of him for a few moments; he squeezed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth against the wave of intense, pulsing agony as his nerves reminded him he was alive. He felt a sense of malaise, head throbbing like he was getting over the worst hangover he'd ever had. A slight weight shifted the bed, the source of it was very warm and soft and welcome. He felt himself shift closer to it automatically, sighing at the feeling as it pressed against his forehead. Tally's scent washed over him and he automatically sought her out, hands reaching from beneath his blanket to tug her closer. He loved how warm she was already, but suddenly Jasttor found himself eternally grateful for the fire just beneath her skin that made the chill deep in his bones melt away. He tried to speak, but his mouth felt too dry. He cleared his throat and spoke in a voice that sounded weak and thready even to his own ears. "How long have I been asleep?"
Tally hummed as he pulled her close, careful to avoid touching where he'd been wounded. "Yeah, it's not actually morning anymore, huh? You've been out just a few hours longer than usual," she answered quietly, nuzzling against his shoulder. "I know you like being up early, but... you need rest. Plus, Teg'd probably kill me if you were up and moving around already." She paused for a moment. "Are you hungry? I think I could strong-arm the kitchen into letting me bring some food back if you're up for trying to eat right now."
As much as he wanted to argue with her, Jasttor was far too tired to try and think about getting up just yet. She offered to get food and he tugged her to him insistently, not wanting her to leave. "No. Stay, please," he asked. "I do not have much of an appetite anyways." He pressed his body a little closer to hers and made a contented noise, tangling his leg between hers. "The warmth feels much better," he sighed, and let it sink into him for a few minutes. The muscles in his chest seemed to loosen somewhat with her pressed against him and Jasttor felt himself breathe easier, even going so far as to get carried away in a huge yawn that stretched his lungs. Something itched at his stomach and he reached to scratch it, wincing when he hit something tender. Rolling slightly apart from Tally, he looked down at himself, touching raised wounds with his hand with a grim expression. Long, angry marks razed his chest and belly, one even going as far as his throat and neck; three more made a mismatched cross on the other side, and peppering his torso and his chest were tooth marks--notably, a perfect puncture over each lung and right over his heart. Jasttor was almost grateful he couldn't feel when the dragon had torn into him, but the terror of being unable to draw breath wouldn't be leaving his mind soon. He shuddered, but then met Tally's eyes with a humorless smile. "I suppose being left with scars is a small price to pay."
Tally watched with an almost morbid fascination as he pulled back the blankets. She hadn't really been able to bring herself to look while he slept and it'd been too dark to really see when they crawled into bed the night before. She'd seen the tear at his neck, watched him bleed out on the floor of the royal great hall, but these scabbed over wounds, some still red from blood or irritation, were so much more than she'd seen. Tally winced for just a moment before turning back to face Jasttor with a small smile of her own. "Well, y'know, I hear some women find scars attractive," she half teased. "I mean, it's never been my thing, but... well, they're better than... y'know..." She leaned forward and kissed the side of his face gently. "I still don't know why you did that. I mean, I get it, but..." Tally shook her head a little and dropped back down onto the pillow with a light thud. "I dunno. I... I really hope we don't end up in another situation like that." With a small, humorless smile, she added, "Now I know how you felt all those times I almost died."
Jasttor huffed a half-hearted laugh at her remark, quickly stifling it when it irritated the wounds. "They will be better when they hurt less," he complained, still smiling as he curled into that intimate space with her. He was quiet for a long time, face pensive as he played absently with the hair at the back of her head. He still wasn't quite sure why he'd so readily leapt in like that, either. "I... think it might have been a few things," he said slowly, as if figuring it out as the words came. "Seeing Crawler dive in so recklessly to fight a common enemy, watching her try so hard to free Marroshok--even risking her life. Knowing myself, I would have expected to think, 'if someone like... her,'" he paused, looking at Tally apologetically again for his bias, "'can be so brave, and stand in the face of danger, a paladin of Bahamut should certainly be able to do the same.'" Jasttor frowned, looking down as if trying to figure himself out. "But... that was not my first thought. The spell came like instinct. It just happened. As if... it had been you, or Medericus, or Kitrick, or any of us out there. She stared Death in the face, ready to be taken down, and I just... I could not let it happen without doing--" His breath caught, pain flaring in his chest as if reminding him to keep it down. He was quiet for a few moments, calming himself and timing his breathing while wondering if Teg had any sort of painkilling medicine. The numbing agents Relentless had put into those chewable sticks sounded really good right about now. "I am still unsure how to feel about Crawler," he said after a few moments. "I just..." Jasttor trailed off, unsure of what to add, or how to put what he was feeling into words. Everything about his own emotions around Crawler was complicated. He still couldn't find it in himself to trust her if he thought about it, but his gut instinct kept going against what his mind had already put in place about her. All the signals of danger were absent until he put them there. It was a block he still couldn't get over, and he wasn't sure how or if it was ever going to come up with Crawler later. Jasttor settled on letting his shoulders relax in a sigh, realizing he'd been tensing up and making everything hurt worse. "I am sorry I put you through that," he told Tally sincerely, brushing hair from her eyes. "I hope that next time I will actually have my armor, instead of fancy but useless clothing. Though..." The ghost of a real smile pulled at the corner of his mouth, softening his features. "I never did get to tell you, with everything happening so fast, but you looked... beautiful last night."
Tally watched his eyes quietly, listening as Jasttor spoke with just a bit of curiosity and a muffled sort of frustration. She understood what he was getting at. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time and, while she'd normally never consider Jasttor impulsive, he always seemed to be the first to act when something needed to be done for the greater good. Normally, that was something she admired about him. It was one of the parts of him that inspired her to do better, too. But watching him bleed out on the floor, seeing the horror and fear on Crawler's face, knowing that now both twins had seen each other die... Tally couldn't see the greater good in it at all. Sure, Crawler was fine and it was because of her they were able to finish off that dragon, but it didn't seem worth the pain it'd caused. And what if Teg hadn't shown up in time? What if she hadn't been there at all? Would they be able to afford the kind of diamond they'd need to bring him back? Tally would've dropped any and all pretense at being a good person to steal a diamond like that if she could, but that would've only caused more damage in the long run, even if they managed to find one that belonged to an asshole who didn't deserve it. But Tally didn't have the heart to tell Jasttor as much just then. Not when he needed rest. Except, when he apologized, it got harder to keep it in, to the point where a few frustrated tears spilled down the side of her face. "Just promise you won't do it again. I think once was enough for one lifetime," she replied, ducking her head to dry her eyes on the pillow. "And, yeah, armor probably would've helped. Though," she added, "I did like the useless fancy clothes, too. Maybe we'll get a better chance to wear them. No black dragons allowed."
Jasttor watched emotions flash across Tally's face, her eyes shining with tears until they fell. She tried to hide them, to hide her frustration, and Jasttor's brows drew together. She'd been there for him when he needed her reassurance, and he wanted to be the same for her. He reached for her face and cupped the side of it, turning her to look at him fully. "Tally. Itov, you do not need to hide from me. I know you must be a little angry with me. I can take it." He brushed some of the wetness from her face, propping himself to sit up a little higher with a wince. He hesitated, his eyes, dimmed with the knowledge that he had just died and come back, searching hers before he spoke again. "I cannot promise you that I will not do something like that again. When I came here, I was... I was so lost. I needed a purpose. I needed something to throw myself into, and I chose the life of a paladin. I chose oaths I cannot break, even... even for you, as much as it k--as much as it hurts me not to," he said, quickly changing his wording in light of last night's events. "What I can promise you is that I can be better prepared. I can be sure not to be caught without protection for myself again." His heart squeezed painfully in his chest at the way her lashes clung together with tears, hating how much all this hurt her. He had wondered, before, why some paladins chose a celibate life without romantic love, but it all came together with the pain he felt in making Tally cry over him. For some, they thought it better to be lonely than to break others' hearts. Jasttor wondered if he was being selfish by continuing this with her. The thought of being without her took his breath away, but making her feel this way was far worse. He pressed his snout against her forehead for one, two, three, four seconds, before murmuring in a quiet voice, "Tally. With how often we come so close to losing one another... I think we need a plan for if... if it happens. Not just for when we put ourselves in danger. But..." Jasttor takes in a shaky breath. "Tally, even if we both live our lives to the fullest extent, you are going to outlive me. I do not care about--about races or our differences or whatever there is between us. I love you. I love you so much," he breathed, cupping her face in both his hands to look her in the eyes so she could see his sincerity. "But I cannot always be there with you. And we need to think about...preparing you for when it happens."
Tally couldn't believe her ears. She'd known, of course, that she'd someday outlive Jasttor. It was something she'd tried not to dwell on, but lingered in the back of her mind like a particularly loud fly buzzing about incessantly. But she couldn't believe that, of all the times for him to bring it up, he'd decided to wait until just after he'd already died. And bringing up his oaths, of all things. Tally knew perfectly well they'd have to throw themselves into danger, to protect as many people as they could, even against impossible odds. That was just what Jasttor did and it filled Tally with such immense pride to stand beside him like that, saving as many as possible. She could be comfortable with that, dangerous as it was. But there was nothing comforting about knowing that he was willing to give up his life so easily or that he seemed to want Tally to plan for things as if he was already dead. Tally pushed back from him, careful not to agitate his wounds but not bothering to hide the tears now streaming down her face. "Fine. Yeah, I'm angry. I'm angry about- about everything! I'm angry that I had to watch you die. Not almost, actually die. I'm angry that you don't seem to get that self-sacrifice isn't always right! And I'm especially angry that, after literally watching you die, you think now is the best time to talk about when you're gone for real!" She shook her head and stood, trying to take a deep breath to calm herself to no avail. "And, yeah, I know I'm going to outlive you. I knew it from the very beginning and, yeah, it scares the shit out of me. But that's not going to stop me from wanting to spend our lives together." A small, hiccup-like sob came from the back of her throat. "Except what's the point if you're just waiting for someone to die for? That's not protecting anyone! Who the hell is a corpse going to protect, huh?"
As soon as she stepped away from him, Jasttor's hand automatically reached out, missing her warmth. He recoiled as if burned by fire when he saw her expression, eyes flicking back and forth between hers as his own anger grew to match hers. "I am not trying to die, Tally!" he insisted, unable to stand quite yet but pushing himself doggedly to sit at the edge of the bed. The recent scars stood out in the light, ugly and raised and red. "But it is a reality I have to face, and I dragged you into it and forced you to face it, too. Maybe talking about it now is cruel, but it is the truth, and it is nothing but selfishness on my part for waiting so long to say anything." His chest burned, but he ignored it. Shaking his head bitterly at himself, Jasttor continued. "I started this with far more willingness to give up my life in exchange for something bigger than me. Back then I was ready to throw myself into anything that would make up for my past deeds. I welcomed a noble death." He took a sharp breath, gritting his teeth and swearing at the insistent burn of his wounds before continuing in a quieter tone. "And then you came along. And you made me want things for myself--want things for you. I had not thought of my own future for years." He avoided looking at her, feeling angry and frustrated tears forming. "But now I want something with you. And it terrifies me that I will leave you behind someday, or that you or I will die doing all this--" He waved his hand in a vague circle above his head, "--and we will never be able to have that." He finally looked back up at her, expression strained with pain and emotion. "I have already lost so much. I have already gone through unbearable pain because of it, and I do not want to go through it again. And I do not want you to have to without being ready for it, either."
"You didn't force me into anything! I chose to be here!" Tally all but shouted back, fire and fury in her eyes as she resisted the urge to force him to lay down again. "I chose this! I chose to be with you, to love you so much it fucking kills me every time I have to leave, to do it anyway, to run the risk of one or- or both of us getting killed, to know that, unless something happens, I will watch you die! But every single fucking day I choose this. I choose you. Because as painful as it is, as hard as it is, having you around for however long we have is worth it. And I intend to make that last as long as possible." Her chest ached and everything in her begged her to just let it go, let the argument go so he could rest. She wanted so desperately to let her voice soften and be gentle with him again. But an even deeper ache urged her on. "Nothing prepares you for losing someone you love, Jasttor. Trust me, I watched my own father waste away for years. I knew he would die. I was prepared for it. It doesn't fucking help at all to acknowledge that it'll happen and you just have to accept it. So, no, I'm not going to just accept that you're comfortable with dying to spare someone else. I wholeheartedly fucking refuse to accept that. This is a goddamn rebellion, Jasttor, and we can't afford to be martyrs. Not now, not ever."
Jasttor's mouth set a hard line as he listened, brows pulling together as Tally laid into him. He felt a mix of frustration and stubbornness and disbelief at how much she dealt with just to even be with him in the first place, and part of him wondered why she'd ever sacrifice that much, why she'd ever choose him over someone who could give her more. It was quickly swallowed up by guilt and then more anger as she spoke of her father and of his comfort in dying to spare someone else. His voice grew louder, rough and growling, speaking half in Draconic and half in Common as his frustration hit its peak. "Did I not just say that I am not trying to die?! It is not that I am 'comfortable with dying to spare someone else'. With Crawler it was not--xsiol--it just happens sometimes, I do not think about it, I just do it!" His lip curled over his teeth. "'Always be prepared to stand before evil or injustice to save a life, even in the face of impossible odds.' That is just one thing, just one of the oaths drilled into my head. Those who gave me these, these skills, these abilities--tir wux siofme astahii majak vi xsio--do you think they care what the circumstances are for breaking any of them?" He snorted. "No. Oathbreaker, is what I would be. And I would not be able to help anyone at all." He panted heavily, teeth showing as he dragged in breaths. The pain was only driving his anger and guilt further. "Karshoj, this hurts. And you of all people should know I understand how that feels--to lose someone dear to you. Of course I know it is never something you can completely be prepared for. I just..." He made a helpless gesture, wincing and pressing a hand to the largest slash wound to try and help keep it from throbbing. Jasttor sighed, feeling some of the adrenaline wear off and make him feel just... drained. "I watched people--my parents--let my sister die without doing anything about it. I refuse to stand by and let the same thing happen to anyone else. I cannot pretend that does not involve situations I will not come out of." He raised his hand feebly. "I want to live, Tally. For you. For myself, for the first time in a very long time. I do not go willingly to die. I promise you that."
"Good," she answered quietly, finally at least a little reassured that he meant it. She had known, at least peripherally, that he had no choice but to keep to his oaths, but not that he could really be powerless if he abandoned them. And the way he all but spat the word oathbreaker made her wince guiltily. She'd never heard the word in that context before. This time it sounded like a literal curse rather than just calling someone dishonest. He was at least right about one thing; there was still too much they hadn't talked about. There was too much she just didn't know enough about be smart about how they fought together. Tally took a deep, shaky breath and crept close enough to gently push back on Jasttor's shoulders, easing him back into bed with a weary smile. "When you've had a chance to rest and.." she gestured guiltily at the wounds he'd irritated by sitting up, "recover, we need to talk about what those oaths of yours mean you can and cannot do. Things you can't back away from, even if they'll get you killed. Because I'll be damned if I ever put you in a situation like that again, where the only right thing you can do is take that kind of hit for someone else." Tally took another shaky breath to calm herself and looked Jasttor straight in the eyes. "I'm not the only one invested in making sure you're safe, you know. There are," she stopped herself briefly, remembering her promise, "more people than you know who want to look out for you, too. But we need to know how to do that without making you choose between living and breaking your word." Tally hesitated for just a second before reaching out to cup the side of his jaw. "Let us help you, varna'mael. It's, uh.. kind of what we're here for."
Jasttor briefly gave Tally a stubborn look as she insistently pressed at his shoulders, but he relented--half because he loved her enough to not be petulant, and half because he was in immense amounts of pain. "Situations like that arise whether we like it or not," he replied, his voice matching her lack of anger and volume now. "I think what might help is not going into dangerous missions without proper protections and preparations in place. At least as best we can manage." His face softened as she talked about people who wanted to make sure he was safe, remembering how Integrity looked when he first woke again from death. Her eyes were wild with desperation, hoping, relieved. And something there that reminded him of his mother, the way she'd look at him and Lily when she thought they were asleep. He thought about the promise he'd made to Medericus and winced internally, realizing there was an apology to be made to him. Jasttor remembered the way the bard's expression looked when Medericus played that song to him as he fell back asleep, tucked in the crook of Crawler's giant arm. Jasttor didn't want to hurt any of them. He leaned automatically into her touch, shivering both with the sheer jolt of warmth and with relief. This was the first time they'd really ever fought, and he had a feeling it might not be the last--but she loved him, and he loved her, and at the end of the day that was what mattered. He took her face in both his hands and gave her a tired smile. "All right. But only I do not have to yell any more; it is not the best feeling right now," he said, giving a crooked sort of smile. Rubbing the pads of his thumbs across her cheeks, he wiped away the tears that had fallen. Jasttor had trouble leaning up from this angle, so he pulled her down instead, kissing her slowly and insistently before pulling away. "I love you, Tally. I hope you know that."
Tally all but melted against him, easing into the kiss so slowly and deliberately she could barely contain herself. As angry as she had been, she could never stay that way with him for long. "I know. I love you, too. I really, really do." She pressed her forehead against his with a tired, relieved smile. "But we can talk about this later. I think I need to go pester Teg for some ointments or painkillers or both. Don't worry," she added, anticipating his protests, "I won't be gone long. I only need to stop and talk to one other person before I come back, okay? It'll be quick." Tally pressed a quick kiss to his forehead and pulled away.
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