Those goddamn shiny masks
General Summary
All day was spent searching through houses for food and a place for the night. First one had black mold laced on all the walls, so bad that the overpowering musty stink filled our nostrils as we opened the door. “Fuck this shit, lets keep on going.” We came across a huge blue one that seemed in pretty good condition other than a few broken windows and a tattered porch. “I dunno, I gotta bad feeling,” Hey calls out. “What if there’s food?” Shepherd consoles Hey. I creak the front door open and ushered Shepherd in first with her gun cocked, Slowly step-by-step, the floorboards creek under our feet. First room on the right is a vacant living room with a light bulb flickering in the corner. Up ahead is a kitchen, “Lets see if there’s anything in the cabinets.” I said. As we open the cabinet door, a bunch of shiny masks fall out. Fuck. Someone came barging down the stairs BOOM BOOM. Shit. I race my hand to the handle of my katana and whip it out. Before I could comprehend what happened next, the sword was deep inside the Wolf of the Maelstrom’s chest as a loud wet SQUELCH squirted out. The body lumps to its knees and I pulled my sword out. Running to the closest sink, I run the blade under the faucet to rinse off the black blood. “Can’t have any cooties going around,” I giggled. After a few seconds, the boards upstairs started creaking. “QUICK RUN!” We all ran out of the house and down the road. Eventually, we lost them but still kept an eye out.
Out of food and water, the dreary team keeps on going. Pete's crew starting showing signs of rashes and behavior changes, “Wolf Wolf,” Hey kept pointing to the extras. Pete, Shepard and I all glanced at each other; we must get rid of them before they affect us. Shepard quickly swerves around and BOOM. One dropped. Later on, Hey tugs Shepard shirt and points with wide eyes. WOLF he mouths using large expressions. My eyes roll, “Ugh, again?” BOOM. God if these fuckers don’t stop anytime soon.
Shortly it was only Shepard, Pete, Hey, and I, and of course my baby Moku. “We can’t ever forget about you, can we, no we cant,” I cooed at her. The group stares at me and I stare back to the trail. Anyway, we finally stop at a barren strip mall. Not too badly damaged, looks like we can stay the night. The walls between the massive rooms are torn down so everything is connected. We come across this office space that seemed suitable for the night. “Shall we sleep here?” “Fine, I guess so,” Pete answered. “Fine, who watches first?” I asked. “Me,” Shepard quickly volunteers. I think it’s because she wants to be away from me, but at this point I can’t afford putting too much thought into it. In this shitty world, we have so many walls up that our emotions must be hindered as we are trying to survive. The team quickly scavenges several cardboard boxes from the other rooms until we make a bed thick enough to separate us from the hard cold concrete floor, time for sleep. I lie down, staring at Shepard sitting at the entrance of the room, watching out. Maybe if I found a Pitts North dairy jug for her, I can find out if she actually likes me or not. “God that would be amazing,” I muttered. My weary eyes slowly close and her body against mine played again in my head.
A sharp pain suddenly woke me up from my short yet peaceful slumber. “GAHH,” I yell. “SHUSH, I see someone,” Shepard reacted. Through the haziness of my eyes, I can make out a dim light reflecting off the glossy facemask. “It’s a wolf, I told you it’s a wolf, it’s a wolf,” Hey repeated like a broken record. “Shut the fuck up,” Shepard sneered. “SHOOT THE FUCKER!” I yell. BAM. The body tumbles over and blood lines the walls, none touching us thankfully. “Kill wolf, kill wolf.” Hey repeats again. “There’s probably more on the way, we better move,” Pete commands us. The now dead body smells disgusting. I take off the mask carefully to get a good look at him. His face is completely gone sunken into the skull with only fangs popping out of the orifice that used to be his mouth. “Fuck,” I gagged.
It is pitch dark out with a cool breeze blowing through. I wipe off the sweat from my face and notice that my neck feels hot. Upon looking down, red small bumps popped up. “Shit,” I pulled up my yellow suit zipper higher. “Something wrong Jupiter?” Pete asked. “No, just processing what happened back there,” I laughed wearily.
The sun finally breaks through the sun, warming my face. We run into a man named Jag. His eyes are wild, “Heeeellloo,” his high pitch irritates me. “Ugh, what do you want?” I ask. “Please, I can’t find food,” the beggar calls out. “Sorry bud we’re all in the same boat,” Pete replies. “Hmm you sure you don’t have anything under that yellow fancy suit?” Jag points at my chest. Finally an opportunity to show off my chiseled body, I rip my suit open and yell out, “There’s nothing bitch!” “Oh but what’s that,” his eyes clock with my neck. FUCK. “Jupiter, what is that?” Pete asks worryingly. “NOTHING, its just uhm, poison ivy I swear! I accidently touched some back there while taking a shit.” Shit. “I don’t believe you, after we had to fucking kill my guys.” “Wolf,” Hey hoots out. “Yeah, wolf.” Pete scoffs. “Well this is all fun and games guys, but can I eat the lizard?” Jag pokes. “ABSOLUETLY FUCKING NOT.” I scream at him. “It looks so yummy!” “NO, PETE BACK ME UP.” “You lied to us Jupiter, I don’t know who I can trust now.” “I agree,” Shepard follows. “If you want to keep your pet, deal with it yourself.” “FINE,” I turn back to Jag whose greedy hands nearly closed around Moku. “I THINK NOT,” I pull out both of my swords and aim one at his hand. “AGHHHH,” He responds with a bullet shot at my shoulder. SWOOSH. My other katana wipes his head clean off as it rolls down the side. Moku jumps over and happily licks the puddle of blood on the ground. The crew looks at me with wide eyes, pondering what to do with me.
Critique: PROS There is an interesting event that happened here with the protagonist getting infected by the thing they’re fighting. The protagonist is also interesting since they are very vain and selfish, which could make for an interesting perspective if leaned into more. CONS -The dialogue is impossible to comprehend - especially when it’s in one giant block of text. There is way too much talking in the story, and only serves to bog it down with the hard to follow back and forth conversations. If you want to use this amount of dialogue, you really need to have a new line every time the speaker changes. -The paragraphs are way too long and should be broken down into significantly smaller pieces. Even just breaking every time there is dialogue would really help with readability. -The tone is really bizarre and the personality of the protagonist is hard to understand – the story goes from desperate to joking to introspective to lighthearted to scared to boastful etc. etc. which makes it impossible to actually root yourself in what’s going on. -It feels like I’m reading a transcript of what happened in the session with a really strange filter applied over it – I’m not sure what the story is here or why I should be interested in anything that’s happening. On top of that, the story ends very abruptly, seemingly at the end of the session. I might try to break down the most interesting thing that happened in the session and try to capitalize on that instead of just summarizing what happened.