The Day We All Died Because I Couldn't

General Summary

It’s a great idea, I said. Trust me, I said.

I don’t know what shit I must have been blissed out on to believe that packing our van full of CJ’s dynamite was a good idea. I don’t know how many shots of tequila I must have had to come to the conclusion that we should drive it straight into C-Breeze, as if to ram it right up the ass of Irene and all of her possessed little carnies.

What I do know, now that I’m bleeding out on the beaches of the bay with a bullet in my gut and a nice cocktail of bloody sand in my face, with all of my buddies and pals lying dead or dying next to me, is that it was a bad idea from the start. I was fine with having bad ideas- I’ve had way too many bad ideas in the past, anyhow: smoking a whole pack of cigarettes at once so CJ wouldn’t catch me, trying to open a beer bottle with my ass cheeks, sitting on a landmine for a week straight, the entire premise of Throwing Knife Thursday in general and wanting to play chicken with sharp projectile objects.

I didn’t regret any of those things though. They were fun- always new, always exciting, always different, always more strange and bizarre than the last. That’s exactly how JT rolls, and how I’ve always operated in life. Sure, people came and went, but they did so willingly. Though, in all fairness, I imagine that most of the lads and ladies who decided to roll along with me either did it because they had a blatant disregard for their own mortality or they couldn’t keep it in their pants when it came to the blue-eyed brunette of a babe (hey- that’s me!).

Oh, right- dying. I’m not exactly sure how to die, if I’m being completely honest. I never thought I would. But I suppose it had to happen at some point, considering how obsessed I was with proving that I was the Baddest Bitch in All of the Apocalypse That Ever Lived. That’s why I was so excited when I came up with that dumb idea- to blow up C-Breeze, to blow up the Lock, and to blow up Irene like they all never even existed in the first place and bring an end to that whole goddamn war. It has nothing to do with the fact that we roll around Irene’s Decoy; this was about my career- about being the best at being batshit crazy.

Everybody tried to talk me out of it at first. DD refused to drive us up to C-Breeze at first, but immediately pulled a U-turn when I agreed to disclose the location of my drug stash in her van (well, my auxillary one at least). RJ only got on board after I gave him a pair of dirty lingerie (poor sucker thought it was mine), and KC only wanted to go because RJ was going. GG and VV only agreed to go if I had a threesome with them (eh, I’ve had better). But CJ refused.

“Why the fuck not?!” I begged the guy, stoic and charming as ever with tough, dark skin and thick curly hair. I remember how dark his eyes looked, staring at me with cool intuition and undeniable disappointment. He folded his arms, interposing between us and the dynamite we were hoping to borrow from his hideout. I could smell the frustration on him even more than the loose gunpowder.

“You dumbass,” he hissed towards me. “You’re all going to get yourselves fucking killed. You can’t just drive into Irene’s turf and set off a bomb! How are you even thinking about getting away?”

I could only shrug, trying to discern the flavor of whatever mystery-flavor lollipop I was sucking down on (anchovies?). I kept pestering him day after day, but CJ would never agree to fork over his TNT. I was pissed as hell- he was never this much of a prude with wanting to blow things up! I couldn’t blueball him like I did with the others- he and I weren’t like that. If I ever flashed my tits at the guy, he’d just look and give a sad little sigh like he’s just seen a puppy piddle itself on his living room carpet.

Oh, uhh, dying. Right- sorry, it’s not really my specialty. DD ended up being pretty good at it though- at least, after she got possessed by a Renie, that is. Maybe if I wasn’t yelling at CJ for being such a prick all of the time, he would have been able to spot the Renie behind the car before it possessed DD. At least then I wouldn’t have had to put a bullet in her brain. But by that time, she’d already diverted us onto the bridge, sent us careening straight towards Fort Seaway. I was hoping that offing her there was going to slow the car down, not send it swerving off the bridge and into the bay.

By all rights, I feel like we all should have died at that point, or even earlier before when we were plowing through carnies and popsicle stands. But we all bailed as soon as the van hit the water, somehow managed to keep the radioactive sludge floating on the water off of us, somehow managed to crawl to shore and catch our breath. I suppose that’s the cruel bit, Gypsy- giving us a moment to rest.

I screamed to CJ as soon as I felt sand between my fingers. “FUCK- what do we do?!”

I’m sure he would have given me a brilliant answer if the line of Seaway troopers didn’t emerge over the sandy cliffs at that exact moment. Instead of a witty response like usual, I was greeted happily by the cracks of a dozen assault rifles turning RJ, KC, GG, and VV into swiss cheese. Do I feel a little bad for hiding behind RJ and letting him take thirty more rounds to the chest for me? Not really. But I took one right to the gut, so I suppose that I sustained my fair share of injuries.

RJ was more of a bloodbath than a man by this time, and crumpled to the sand. KC tried to scream and run, but was gunned down a few paces away from the rest of us. I tried to flop on top of RJ to give the appearance that I was also shot while GG and VV both tried to swim away, only to get peppered with bullets and turn the waves red. I held my breath and tried my hardest to think of what dead people sounded like while CJ laid out across the sand with a few extra holes in him, and did exactly that.

I remember lying there for a few moments with CJ, wondering if he was actually really dead or if I was. If I was dead at that point, then being dead tasted funny- like giving a bloody blowjob to a total stranger at gunpoint. But his eyelids fluttered and his chest heaved, and so did mine, so I guess we were both sort of alive. I remember crying. Not the sort of crying I would normally do alone in my room with a bottle of booze, but a new sort of crying- a type of crying that involves having to say goodbye when you really don’t want to go.

I tried to take his hand in the sand, tried to find it and hold it real tight, but my arms wouldn’t work the way I wanted them to from the shock as I reached for that mangled arm. All I remember saying to him were the dumb ideas that came to mind on how to get out of it- “claim we’re secret agents from the future” or “play dead long enough that they think we turned into vegetables from the shock.” I listed off every idea in rapid-fire succession I could think of to get us out of this scrape- just like I always did.

CJ was muttering something and I couldn’t quite hear him, so I asked him to speak up. He only got to say, “Shut up, JT,” before General Gypsy Harper shot him square in the back of the head.

I know it was her. She held the rifle- I saw the glare of the sun off those god damn aviator shades she tacked onto that smug and ugly goat face of hers. Later I would be told it was a .22 rifle round that ended CJ’s life- just the type that Gypsy Harper likes to shoot with. Gypsy Harper was the one standing at the edge of that cliff, looking down on the rest of us. Gypsy Harper stepped down onto the beach and kicked all of our bodies. Gypsy caught me red-fucking-handed trying to play dead while all of my other friends bled out on the beach. I tried to stab Gypsy. Gypsy stomped on my hand to stop the blade I pulled out of my ass. Gypsy broke two of my fingers. Gypsy killed my friends. Gypsy killed me.

Though, when you really think about it, I guess you could replace Gypsy with JT in any of that and the idea stays the same, more or less, give or take a few. At this point, I really don’t care whose fault it is anymore. All I know is that CJ deserved better than that. DD deserved better than that. RJ, KC, GG, and VV all deserved better than that. Gypsy might not have known the stragglers on her beach weren’t Renies- that they didn’t have to die or shoot on sight. But she did it anyways and, that, I refuse to forgive her for- not until she’s six feet in the ground.

It’s Gypsy’s fault for killing us- not mine. It can’t be. I won’t be remembered like this. I can’t die like this. That’s why Gypsy has to die for me. For CJ, for DD, for RJ, for KC, for GG, for VV, and for me.

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Report Date
21 Mar 2019
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Comments

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Mar 27, 2019 21:55

Pros: I like the main character though we don't know much about her. My favorite part was when she thought she was dying and started crying and describing what it felt like before reaching out to grab CJ. She was a silly character, but you managed to get a good serious moment out of it so quickly and that is not easy to do. Especially when this is mere seconds from when she was describing what death tasted like in such a ridiculous and vulgar fashion. Speaking of that, there's a lot of great analogies and environmental descriptions here.   Cons: We didn't really get to know any of the other characters that were supposed to be important. Didn't even get real names to be familiar with. Everyone being just two letters doesn't give me any sort of attachment to them. I was also pretty confused towards the end because I was waiting for the title to make sense but it never really did. It's an oxymoron as it is, but I figured it just meant they all lost because JT couldn't do something. Then I thought maybe JT literally could not die and was waiting for an explanation. But then it's just flat-out stated that "Gypsy killed me" even though the first-person narration continues. Then she says it could've been CJ's fault too. Then the final sting sounds like a revenge statement, I just couldn't figure out what was happening. I guess she died metaphorically or something but it didn't come across to me.

Mar 28, 2019 14:27 by Michael Berger

The Good Stuff: The main character, JT, has a personality that is ingrained everywhere in this piece. Those first 2 sentences immediately set the tone of the piece as regretful, but also playful in an oddly casual way. From there we are immediately introduced to the premise of the story, its consequences, and how egotistical JT really is. She does this all while dying, which adds another wrinkle of personality into the mix; even on her deathbed, she can’t help but think about her accomplishments and goals.   What makes JT such a domineering character throughout the vignette is the way she references others through her own lens. Rather than many concrete character descriptions, we get three lines of dialogue from them and their interactions with JT. Listing off what JT had to do to get them onboard with her plan to bomb C-Breeze is genius because it gives the reader just enough of the supporting characters’ archetypes without taking the spotlight away from the egotistical superstar herself. JT’s personality also is never too much for the narrative to handle. Small, sentence-long scenes like her whispering to CJ a bunch of wordy excuses to get the Seaway troops to back off and her wondering what noises dead people make contribute flavor and take away from the otherwise grim description of all her friends dying. This vignette could not be written the same way if it was from the perspective of a different person, and I appreciate that uniqueness immensely.   The Bad Stuff: My biggest complaint is that the ending of this vignette is a bit unclear. The introduction is clean (even if the sentences of the 2nd paragraph are too long) and we get the immediate conflicts at play. The ending is way more abstract; JT attacks Gypsy, gets her two fingers broken, and then…? We don’t have any idea where JT is after she completes retelling her story, or even if she is still alive. For a character that is so self-absorbed and presents her thoughts in such a straightforward (if selfish) manner, this ambiguity is strange.

Mar 28, 2019 19:46

This sentence that your character identified herself being “the Baddest Bitch in All of the Apocalypse that Ever lived” that would make audiences might laugh and sound powerful imagination. You write the interesting part of your vignette, you used the second person in the sound not shown on written that your character described herself and about her death or not. This story is beginning to get uninteresting until the climax did a big impact about the moment of Gypsy attacked JT was like “wake-up call.” At the ending, JT began to get development character and that was sound lead to her bet jail with Kim, Magiell, and Peek. JT’s characteristic seemed to not fear of expression on her feeling about shit happen to her. This might be the humor part of what JT imagine about “nice cocktail of bloody sand in my face…” sound sarcastic. It was a nice way to put into the humor and serious story together that anyone can enjoy their own time. I learned JT’s POV mean she really deeply cares for her friends much than the only bitch who loves the battles much, she had more life. Again, the development of character, JT remembered her mistakes well although her feeling wasn't changed much. This action scene gives us excited much in imagining on what they fight about.   This vignette hasn’t the strength much until the ending. You need to expand more on who JT’s friends are and what kind of work they team up with JT. I feel it might jump to conclusion when you first mentioned Gypsy, you need to make suspicious that help the flow of the story would give us having the beat on our heart. I’m a bit confused about who’s die, Is JT really died and then replace with Gypsy. You need to clarify on what’s happened to the fight between JT and Gypsy and who’s really died.

Mar 28, 2019 23:32

What works well: Your narrator has real character and sticks to it the whole way through the piece. She’s hot and she knows it, she uses her strengths to get what she wants, and has a genuine love for her friends despite their vulnerabilities. I felt annoyed when she felt annoyed, I felt cocky when she felt cocky, and I felt angry when she felt angry. You did a good job of incorporating her badassery and nymphomania into her vocabulary, for instance these phrases stood out to me as ones only she could say:   “Open a beer bottle with my ass cheeks” “RJ only got on board after I gave him a pair of dirty lingerie (poor sucker thought it was mine)” “He was never this much of a prude with wanting to blow things up!”   Everything she says as she narrates is completely in character.   It’s also nice to know why JT hates Gypsy so much. Now I understand why you wanted to kill her so bad.   What doesn’t work: It’s interesting that all of JT’s friend’s have similar name structures, but I wonder what they all stand for. Not really a bad thing, just something I want.   I know that JT ends up as a prisoner, but why did Gypsy even give JT a chance to survive after all of her friends were mown down? It didn’t really make sense to me.   Honestly, there’s not much I’d change about the story, it was really well written.

Mar 29, 2019 02:09 by Abigail

What worked well: I loved this piece. The tone you give JT is fantastic and feels like a real person. Little mannerisms like sucking on a lollipop while talking to CJ and the casual sexuality of the character really sold the story. I wasn't sure how I felt about the initials instead of names, but it grew on me and helped show JT as the central person of this group. You really did a great job showing CJ as well, his character feels very established despite only seeing a little bit of him, and the disregard JT has for everyone but him helps tie their relationship together really nicely.   What needed work: Honestly not much. Most of my complaints are very minor and revolve around the wording of a few phrases here and there. It does feel a little unclear why CJ eventually caved, and I wish I knew why. I also think you breaking the fourth wall is done well, but I wish I knew who JT was talking to. There's no real context for it, and the only reference to a potential audience is "I suppose that’s the cruel bit, Gypsy-," but Gypsy doesn't make sense given the ending of the piece. Last little nitpick is that the parenthetical comments feel a bit unnecessary. JT is already talking to us and giving us her thoughts, so the extra layer of internal commentary feels weird.

Mar 29, 2019 21:28

What works well: The strongest part to this piece is the voice is extremely clear. I know exactly how it will be written throughout and the tone stays the same consistently. It doesn't break the rules it sets and stays in character. It's fun, witty, and crude which is great. The plot is clear and I can understand how everything went down, even with the time skips and jump arounds. I can really feel the motivation for the character and how this sets them up for the rpg sessions.   What could be worked on: I think, as always, a good read through for grammar and word placement would be helpful. Sometimes a few sentences are clunky to read and could be worked on. I think more formatting could have been added so the time skips are even clearer. As other people have said it is also difficult to actually tell what happens to JT in the end. While I did read your character page to understand better, and it is a metaphorical death, I think you could have ended the piece on Gypsy grinning at you or something, but you end it with her killing you. And not enough work was put in to show that it was a metaphorical death. Through a reread and your character page I understand this, but on one go you are just missing one little piece to make it work completely.

Apr 13, 2019 02:19

Working well: I like the character, seems we kinda had very similar ideas for like, our characters overall, down to them being in teams trying to take down Irene before this... oops. Besides that, I really do like her humor throughout, I think it livens up the piece and makes it easier to get through. I really like the Gypsy focus paragraph (Gypsy did this, Gypsy did that, etc). I might even argue you could lean into this more, italicize Gypsy even, to add more focus on a sort of satirical telling, because that is the tone I am getting. I think you also do a nice job of describing stuff through metaphor, like the death blowjob, and I think this just goes well with the humor aspect, I think the descriptions fit in well with it.   Work on: The abbreviations are harsh. I had the exact same issue here if having an entire Anti-Irene team to introduce, and I try to spread out the names, but having abbreviations works as codenames in a way, but it is hard to read, and can be more confusing. Especially just seeing them breaking in a paragraph made them feel too abrupt to me, so maybe use their real names or even go full on into codenames. Could be fun. One big question, when did CJ come on board? It seemed to be a plot point that he was refusing to go along with this idea. Just like, would be a good thing to take care of. I think also I do agree that the ending seems a little odd, normally people stop talking after death. Could be JT doesn't take well to death, fine by me, but say so. Figure out some way for her to live that can be explained.

Apr 20, 2019 18:59

This story has a very strong voice and an excellent start. This is the kind of protagonist/narrator who is direct and bold and grabs the reader by promising a rollercoaster ride of a story. The entire "I was fine with having bad ideas" section is a hoot. Those are the kind of concrete examples that instills confidence in the reader that the writer knows of what they speak. And who doesn't want to see what a slightly unhinged, though still relatable, protagonist does next?   One aspect of the story that doesn't work is telling the entire thing in a flashback. The hook is that the narrator is bloodied and dying while relating this story, flashing back to the moments leading up to the disaster. In almost all cases, it's better to start at the beginning of the flashback and moving straight forward chronologically and telling the events in the order that they happened rather than through memory. We already know the conclusion--it ends in disaster--so that takes away the question of what's going to happen. I would love to see this character getting jacked up on this or that and then doing things. That would also allow you to play with the narrative distance--you could, for example, tell this from a remove where a sober narrator tells a story about things they did when completely high, either trying to justify or explaining away mistakes. Overall though this is a very engaging voice and you did a great job creating and sustaining action and tension.