Cuties and Crazies: Not In My House
General Summary
Sleep was a gift given to those who had the privilege of safety and not running a bar where any coked-up brigand could have a bad trip and murder you in your sleep. Prosperity was a gift given to those who had the option of growing up in the Brights instead of a delusional outcropping of nutters. Power was a right taken by those who deemed they were enough to have it.
In a world like this, power is the only thing that gets anyone anywhere.
It was only a few days ago when two out-of-town wackos decided to come and stay a few nights. I don’t usually rent out my spaces for more than a night at a time, but one of them was shaken to hell and back and the other was too goddamn sweet to just throw out on the street. I’m no puppy cuddler, but she was a doll. Soon learned they called each other Frit and Clem. Helluva pair. Frit really didn’t…talk when she first came in, so Clem had to do it for her. Fair enough. Apparently, Frit had seen some shit, so I wasn’t about to just up and ask what that trauma was about. Clem had mentioned that they were a trader, so I offered to give them a room and some eats if they were willing to help me make a quick couple bucks.
I remember the morning well. The river had a particular scent to it. Almost floral. The air held a murkiness to it that I wasn’t too fond of, but with the weather as unpredictably obnoxious as it was, it was any surprise that buckets of bullets didn’t start raining on any given day. I was chatting it up with Clem and Frit while cleaning out some glasses. Simple morning. Boring as fuck morning. I’m pretty sure Gams was chewing on someone in the corner, but as long as I didn’t hear any complaints, I wasn’t about to throw out a regular.
One person I felt the absolute desire to throw out was the next fuck who walked through my door. I couldn’t see their face and it put me off right away. I’ve seen my fair share of wackos and nut jobs, but this fuck was on a whole different level. Thanks to my gut, I tried being pleasant and asking what he was there fore. He completely blew me off! Like hello! This is my place. You came in here!
“It’s time to repay your debt.” I’ll never forget that line—words that would cause me to have an unfortunate interest and think outside of my little empire. He wasn’t talking to me. Wouldn’t even acknowledge my presence or Frit’s. I kept trying to intervene, but it was taking too long for him to get to the point.
By then, I realized listening wasn’t in my best interest and I kept cleaning up behind the bar. That was until I saw the handle of one of his blades start to move. I nearly obliterated the glass as I reached for my shotgun. Big mistake. Nobody makes trouble in my bar.
I felt the tingling of my finger on the trigger, waiting for this prick to explain who he was and what the hell he was doing in my bar. Thankfully, he was reasonable enough to go ahead and explain himself without the need of some…extra convincing on my end.
Called himself Iza. Couldn’t really trust him, though. That mask he wears just has this grin and cold, dead eyes that would make the worst slaver skittering for the hills. Apparently, Clem owed him a life debt and needed her to drive him to IQHQ. While that’s not my usual part of town, I couldn’t help but offer whatever I could. After all, I gave Iza a drink. Since he couldn’t pay like a damned normal customer, he promised me one thing from there and allowed me to join in on this band of merry fuckwits.
You and I both know that I’m gonna be taking way more than one.
I gladly agreed.
**********
After everyone got all freshened up and ready to go, I (begrudgingly) had to leave my place in someone’s capable hands. Scanning through my current clientele…let’s just say that it was like picking the shit out of kitty litter. So, I went with my only regular in the place—Gams.
Now, Gams is an odd one. Never really makes too much of a fuss, but something about how he looks like he’s constantly ready to eat the next closest living thing always put me off someone. Me and everyone else. Needless to say, if something went wrong, he knew what to do…I think. Not like he was on payroll or anything.
And hopefully, the place won’t burn down while I’m gone.
That wasn’t the only thing that was going to shake me to the core, though. The biggest issue that day was Clem’s fucking car if I could even call it that. It was like a motherfucking tank! While she kept saying it was theirs and that it was, in fact, a supped-up car, I didn’t believe her. I even began to less believe her when I got into the shotgun and saw a fucking spike through the back of the driver’s chair. I’ve met my cast of characters before…but them? I didn’t know what the fuck she was doing. Iza and Frit took up the backseat and started acting like children from the moment Frit decided to fuck with the goddamned ninja.
“Hey Frit…”
“Yeah?”
“What’s the spike for?”
“You don’t want to know.” “Oh, but I do.”
“You’re not gonna like it.”
“Huh?”
“I use it to drive.” That was Clem, piping up from the outside as they made their final go-around and hopped into the front seat. I could see Frit cringe as Clem dawned her hat. “You’re gonna want to look away, Roxx.” Now, when most people tell me to look away from something, it’s because they usually are trying to steal something of mine or cap off my goddamned head. Some irregular itch told me it wouldn’t be any of those. I turned away, only hearing a squelch and Clem’s relieved breath as a monster took up the driver’s seat. Imagine a teddy bear. Real cute and soft. Both eyes still attached tightly to the skull. Now, put a chainsaw in its hand, a spike through its chest, and angry eyebrows slapped on top. That’s how Clem looked and as much as I could laugh about it now, I couldn’t then for as I turned back around, I saw this penultimate rage swelling and swallowing the bright and cheery person I had gotten to know the past few days. Needless to say, it was a hell of a shock. “Where to?” came this angered and grizzly tone out of the shortest of us all. They were looking at me. “I don’t know.”
“You’re the navigator, right? Do your fucking job.”
I couldn’t help but stare. I would never have taken Clem for a dom. As I stared back at this yarney ball of anger, Iza gave me a map. “You know how to read this thing?”
I didn’t want to admit I didn’t, but I knew how to put two and two together. It was easy enough. Down along the river, then take a road through the Brights, then just sail around the Infinite Loop and down into Henry Etta’s West. Simple. Enough main roads to not be too much of a problem. Before I could even tell one step of our journey, Clem had started to book it down the dirt-laid path as I watched my pride and joy fade off in the distance. This is all before I realized what fresh hell I had gotten myself into.
Roxxanne (Main Char)
Frit Callagh
Clem
Iza
Silver Stream Den
“Yeah?”
“What’s the spike for?”
“You don’t want to know.” “Oh, but I do.”
“You’re not gonna like it.”
“Huh?”
“I use it to drive.” That was Clem, piping up from the outside as they made their final go-around and hopped into the front seat. I could see Frit cringe as Clem dawned her hat. “You’re gonna want to look away, Roxx.” Now, when most people tell me to look away from something, it’s because they usually are trying to steal something of mine or cap off my goddamned head. Some irregular itch told me it wouldn’t be any of those. I turned away, only hearing a squelch and Clem’s relieved breath as a monster took up the driver’s seat. Imagine a teddy bear. Real cute and soft. Both eyes still attached tightly to the skull. Now, put a chainsaw in its hand, a spike through its chest, and angry eyebrows slapped on top. That’s how Clem looked and as much as I could laugh about it now, I couldn’t then for as I turned back around, I saw this penultimate rage swelling and swallowing the bright and cheery person I had gotten to know the past few days. Needless to say, it was a hell of a shock. “Where to?” came this angered and grizzly tone out of the shortest of us all. They were looking at me. “I don’t know.”
“You’re the navigator, right? Do your fucking job.”
I couldn’t help but stare. I would never have taken Clem for a dom. As I stared back at this yarney ball of anger, Iza gave me a map. “You know how to read this thing?”
I didn’t want to admit I didn’t, but I knew how to put two and two together. It was easy enough. Down along the river, then take a road through the Brights, then just sail around the Infinite Loop and down into Henry Etta’s West. Simple. Enough main roads to not be too much of a problem. Before I could even tell one step of our journey, Clem had started to book it down the dirt-laid path as I watched my pride and joy fade off in the distance. This is all before I realized what fresh hell I had gotten myself into.
Roxxanne (Main Char)
Frit Callagh
Clem
Iza
Silver Stream Den
For things that work, I would say your piece has a really distinct personality. It very much feels like your character is telling the story, and feels less like a report and more like a representation of how your character is feeling in real time. In addition to this, I liked how well you were able to paint the situation by giving a well integrated description of things without distracting from the main conflict. There are quite a few things I feel you should fix or need some work on. First and foremost, the dialogue and inner thoughts can be a little hard to follow. There are abrupt transition between thoughts and reactions, and I feel like there should be more of a distinction between them, such as when you say: "He completely blew me off! Like hello! This is my place. You came in here!", perhaps it should be italicized. Another thing is your character's over-usage of the word "fuck". While I understand this is a first person piece and your character might use that excessively, it becomes a little tiring to see it, especially in the 3rd paragraph after the asterisk break. While reading I also encountered this section: "Simple morning. Boring as fuck morning.", which I felt sounded redundant because you used the word "morning" twice immediately after the other. It does add emphasis and helps with the personal voice of the piece, but I feel it could be worded slightly better. While not as important as the previous points, you should cut down on your to be verbs, specifically the use of "was". Also, there's no indication of who your character is (no wiki link, no integration of an introduction). While you do a good job of painting your characters personality through the story, I would like to also have a name I can attach to said personality. Overall, your piece was enjoyable. The personality of your character made it an engaging read, and was written well. There are just a few quips though, such as the aforementioned weird integration of thoughts and actions and some word choice. Looking forward to reading your next piece.