A Daring Escape
General Summary
A loud clang rang throughout the factory. A dim light slowly filtered into the view of Ogma the mercenary, who sat in the corner of his cell. He began to cough, the smell of blood and rusted metal overwhelming. As he forced his eyes open, he awoke to his captor putting a young girl in the machine that bound everyone else in the cell. The apparatus attached to the hip, and a chain attached from it. The chain acted as a leech; slowly their blood dripped from a tube inside the chain, feeding into a tank far from sight. Their blood kept them alive, in more ways than one. They lived as sheep for the vampires to feast on.
Everyone sat situated on the floor around the enclosure, biding their time for several hours. The prisoners sat scattered around the cell: Ogma sat toward the front, near the corner, just as he had done for the last 3 days. After him, they brought in a man clad in a jumpsuit, Gregory Navarro , along with his companion, Ricky. Then, the old man, Spicket Andes , and lastly, the child, Kory . Ogma didn’t care to escape all that much; any attempt alone meant destruction, quickly overrun by the cannibals. He had no semblance of a suitable plan, but now he had a chance. Now it seemed possible. The young child Kory sat and gnawed at her chain, slowly consuming link after link. Seeing this as her attempt to begin an escape, Ogma tried to break his chain as well. He got caught, however, and the guard began to violently question Ogma’s intentions. The man, who went by Scags, had nails lay strewn through his body. Some embedded in his fingers, giving him almost a claw-like feature. Scags entered the cell, shotgun pointed at Ogma. Gregory attempted to persuade him to ease off, urging that it was not a means to escape, rather, an adjustment of comfort. Gregory pulled out a silenced pistol and attempted to shoot Scags, however, Scags quickly retaliated with his shogun, blowing out Gregory’s kneecap. He let out a bloodcurdling scream as Scags grabbed the pistol from him. He also noticed Kory, her chain now very visibly broken. He walked over to her, and her face suddenly changed to his. While he seemed taken aback at first, it was all for naught; he hung her by the chain on a hook, effectively leaving her in a quite useless position. He stated his intention to return, and left. In just a few moments, their state had somehow worsened.
Everyone kept to their positions inside the cell, knowing the cannibal Scags would soon return. Ogma and Spicket, both attempted to move free of their chain. Ogma’s chain got caught on something and restricted his movement to a paltry 5-foot radius. Spicket’s as well, but his chain allowed no more movement outside their current position. A few minutes passed and Scags returned. This time with a woman, he called her Mama Screw-toes, also clad in a similar style of nail piercings. She used a blowtorch to fix Kory’s chain, and after much pleading by Gregory, also bandaged his leg. After the cannibals left, the young child vanished into thin air. Gregory began to devise a plan to escape and asked Ogma to once again try to break free from his chains. Ogma did so, successfully this time, but in his effort broke the mechanism around his waist. He felt a tight squeeze, constricting his waist like a cobra ready to kill. Once he freed himself, Gregory created a distraction, and both Spicket and Ogma began roaring loudly to attract a nearby guard. Scags once again approached the cell, shotgun in hand once more. He had it aimed at Gregory, but before anything else could happen, Kory suddenly appeared over Scags, dropping right on top of him. Ogma swiftly grabbed the keys from the now incapacitated Scags, along with his sawed-off shotgun and Gregory’s confiscated pistol. He freed everyone from their restrictions, his however still tightened and locked around him. The next challenge lied in retrieving confiscated equipment. The supply closet that held everything stood directly in view from the area that Scags had just emerged from. With Gregory’s knee leaving him immobile, he sat ready next to the cell with his pistol, recovered from the fallen cannibal. Ogma and Kory, mimicking Scags’ face and appearance, slowly made their way to the closet. However, another captor spotted and began to question them. Even with Kory’s power, it did not seem to fool the other cannibal. As the man slowly made their way towards them, gun in hand, Gregory took aim; Ogma quickly dropped Kory and pulled out his shotgun, at which point both Gregory and Ogma annihilated the cannibal. Thus began the fight to escape.
Three more cannibals, all covered similar nail piercings, emerged from the small room. Ogma quickly ran into the closet desperately looking for his weapons. The first cannibal charged toward them, Greg used his pistol to quickly take them down. Another ran toward Kory; they swung a bat with nails at her. As the nails dug into her, Kory retaliated by kicking them straight up in-between the legs. Needless to say, the cannibal collapsed to the floor from the intense pain. The woman from before rushed toward Spicket, machete in hand. Grabbing the rest of his things, Ogma tossed his SMG over to Spicket, who used it to fire on the cannibal. The ensuing exchange made Spicket lose his balance; and the woman retreated behind some debris to take cover. Ogma, now with his fully equipped arsenal, immediately mowed down the rest of the cannibals, using his father’s old magnum to take out the pitiful cannibal near Kory as well as the woman who sat behind cover.
After the fight, the group had sustained serious injuries. Ogma used his medical kit and healed everyone in critical condition. They all proceeded out of the factory, greeted to an area clouded in thick constricting pink smog. The air inside almost felt better than the air outside. It felt invasive, warm to the touch, and incredibly uncomforting. In front of the entrance, they encountered an old garage, in a similar decrepit state as the factory itself, housing a buggy-like vehicle inside. They agreed upon using the car to escape, at which they all flooded into it; Gregory at the wheel, Ogma sitting passenger side with his shotgun, Kory on his lap, Ricky, and Spicket in the back, with Gregory’s large backpack on their lap. Gregory started the car and drove out of the garage. With no road to go off, they headed deep into the enveloping pink smog.
Everyone sat situated on the floor around the enclosure, biding their time for several hours. The prisoners sat scattered around the cell: Ogma sat toward the front, near the corner, just as he had done for the last 3 days. After him, they brought in a man clad in a jumpsuit, Gregory Navarro , along with his companion, Ricky. Then, the old man, Spicket Andes , and lastly, the child, Kory . Ogma didn’t care to escape all that much; any attempt alone meant destruction, quickly overrun by the cannibals. He had no semblance of a suitable plan, but now he had a chance. Now it seemed possible. The young child Kory sat and gnawed at her chain, slowly consuming link after link. Seeing this as her attempt to begin an escape, Ogma tried to break his chain as well. He got caught, however, and the guard began to violently question Ogma’s intentions. The man, who went by Scags, had nails lay strewn through his body. Some embedded in his fingers, giving him almost a claw-like feature. Scags entered the cell, shotgun pointed at Ogma. Gregory attempted to persuade him to ease off, urging that it was not a means to escape, rather, an adjustment of comfort. Gregory pulled out a silenced pistol and attempted to shoot Scags, however, Scags quickly retaliated with his shogun, blowing out Gregory’s kneecap. He let out a bloodcurdling scream as Scags grabbed the pistol from him. He also noticed Kory, her chain now very visibly broken. He walked over to her, and her face suddenly changed to his. While he seemed taken aback at first, it was all for naught; he hung her by the chain on a hook, effectively leaving her in a quite useless position. He stated his intention to return, and left. In just a few moments, their state had somehow worsened.
Everyone kept to their positions inside the cell, knowing the cannibal Scags would soon return. Ogma and Spicket, both attempted to move free of their chain. Ogma’s chain got caught on something and restricted his movement to a paltry 5-foot radius. Spicket’s as well, but his chain allowed no more movement outside their current position. A few minutes passed and Scags returned. This time with a woman, he called her Mama Screw-toes, also clad in a similar style of nail piercings. She used a blowtorch to fix Kory’s chain, and after much pleading by Gregory, also bandaged his leg. After the cannibals left, the young child vanished into thin air. Gregory began to devise a plan to escape and asked Ogma to once again try to break free from his chains. Ogma did so, successfully this time, but in his effort broke the mechanism around his waist. He felt a tight squeeze, constricting his waist like a cobra ready to kill. Once he freed himself, Gregory created a distraction, and both Spicket and Ogma began roaring loudly to attract a nearby guard. Scags once again approached the cell, shotgun in hand once more. He had it aimed at Gregory, but before anything else could happen, Kory suddenly appeared over Scags, dropping right on top of him. Ogma swiftly grabbed the keys from the now incapacitated Scags, along with his sawed-off shotgun and Gregory’s confiscated pistol. He freed everyone from their restrictions, his however still tightened and locked around him. The next challenge lied in retrieving confiscated equipment. The supply closet that held everything stood directly in view from the area that Scags had just emerged from. With Gregory’s knee leaving him immobile, he sat ready next to the cell with his pistol, recovered from the fallen cannibal. Ogma and Kory, mimicking Scags’ face and appearance, slowly made their way to the closet. However, another captor spotted and began to question them. Even with Kory’s power, it did not seem to fool the other cannibal. As the man slowly made their way towards them, gun in hand, Gregory took aim; Ogma quickly dropped Kory and pulled out his shotgun, at which point both Gregory and Ogma annihilated the cannibal. Thus began the fight to escape.
Three more cannibals, all covered similar nail piercings, emerged from the small room. Ogma quickly ran into the closet desperately looking for his weapons. The first cannibal charged toward them, Greg used his pistol to quickly take them down. Another ran toward Kory; they swung a bat with nails at her. As the nails dug into her, Kory retaliated by kicking them straight up in-between the legs. Needless to say, the cannibal collapsed to the floor from the intense pain. The woman from before rushed toward Spicket, machete in hand. Grabbing the rest of his things, Ogma tossed his SMG over to Spicket, who used it to fire on the cannibal. The ensuing exchange made Spicket lose his balance; and the woman retreated behind some debris to take cover. Ogma, now with his fully equipped arsenal, immediately mowed down the rest of the cannibals, using his father’s old magnum to take out the pitiful cannibal near Kory as well as the woman who sat behind cover.
After the fight, the group had sustained serious injuries. Ogma used his medical kit and healed everyone in critical condition. They all proceeded out of the factory, greeted to an area clouded in thick constricting pink smog. The air inside almost felt better than the air outside. It felt invasive, warm to the touch, and incredibly uncomforting. In front of the entrance, they encountered an old garage, in a similar decrepit state as the factory itself, housing a buggy-like vehicle inside. They agreed upon using the car to escape, at which they all flooded into it; Gregory at the wheel, Ogma sitting passenger side with his shotgun, Kory on his lap, Ricky, and Spicket in the back, with Gregory’s large backpack on their lap. Gregory started the car and drove out of the garage. With no road to go off, they headed deep into the enveloping pink smog.
Working well: Some descriptions of people/actions work very well thanks to your good choice of words. I particularly liked the description of air towards the end of the story. I liked the simile describing the chain around the prisoner's waists as cobras. Ogma's reactions to things leaves a lot of insight to his character, you can do this with the other characters to flesh them out a bit more as well. They may not be your characters, but this is your story so they can be whatever you want. Needs work: The title is a little generic or cliché. Go for something that grabs the reader's attention. When you list off the characters getting brought into the cell, it feels unnatural like a role call. It would be more interesting if we learned about these characters from Ogma's perspective, it would also get us more invested. A lot of this story also feels like bullet points of events happening – leave more room for developing atmosphere and showing us what the characters are feeling. Seeing more direct interaction between characters would go a long way. Some of the step-by-step or overly specific descriptions aren't necessary. The formatting of the page ruined your paragraph breaks, so I couldn't tell when you started new ones. "Ogma used his medical kit to heal everyone in critical condition" sounds way too gamey. Describe it more like a story. Also, at the very end, there's no need to describe precisely where every character is sitting in the car.