Session 9: Jurassic Park
General Summary
So our friendly neighborhood purge that was totally for the sake of justice and the issue of tax evasion goes well. TT and Owkbanok raid a few ships in the port and get us some new canons and I continue the campaign of destruction inside the town, eloquently posing bodies around to show that everyone had a great time tonight. Amelia isn’t having a great time though and has opted to lock herself in her room on the ship and get drunk, feeling like she was useless because she tries to strike an honest deal with somebody and we just threw that all out of the window. In frustration, she accidentally destroys her undead companion and we’re all back when she emerges from her room to toss the pieces of the slurk overboard. We poke fun at her, implying she was doing naughty things with it and should probably stop being so rough with her toys, and she’s disgusted with all of us. Still pissed that she’s without a companion though, I offer to take her through the town to pick out a new corpse to her liking.
It becomes a family affair as we all decide to go out on this quest, still teasing her and her responses are only validating our claims of her totally being a necrophiliac. Just some harmless japes, ya know? The first body I take her to, I think it’s gonna be a winner. Blonde hair, green eyes, in pretty good physique. She turns it down, saying it’s too scrawny for her. So I tell her that she’ll die for the next body and she says that it already did, giggling away as she made a funny. So we learn our dear Amelia is a size queen as this next body I show her to is it. It’s the whole package (literally and figuratively?) and TT grimaces when she realizes it’s an elf. But not just any elf! This elf is jacked, bro. Like this guy used to fucking shred at the gym, my brotato chips. You will never see another elf like that in your lifetime because this man was one of a kind. We’re not as startled as we should be by what looks like the corpse of an elven farmhand on steriods, so Amelia tests the body out by stabbing it a few times. Satisfied in more ways than one probably, she goes to get him up.
Like raising him from the dead, you fucking perverts. What were you thinking? Trying to cast magic drunk though doesn’t work so she casts an entirely different spell, but tries to reassure us that she knows what she’s doing. Before our jacked elf can join us, Owkbanok and Amelia start a magic glitter fight. Basically the magical equivalent of a pillow fight. After that, Amelia finally gets the right spell and everyone please give a warm welcome to our newest companion, Todd the Jacked Elf. We retire for the night and she makes the mistake of leaving Todd right outside her door, so come morning, she’s scared out of her hangover by him until she finally realizes that’s her buddy. We all make fun of her at breakfast about what happened last night, but she quickly shuts TT up by threatening to turn her into a puppy and kick her. And given that TT doesn’t understand a lot about magic, she’s fucking terrified.
Now, we still need to make a deal with our good buddy Eustace about buying the town, but he’s terribly aware of what we did. So the party gets in disguises and takes me as a prisoner for our next foil. I’m to run away after the deal’s made, but Eustace keeps giving me quiet signals to go with him and that I can trust him, so once the deal is discussed, I happily head off back to Calidon with our buddy, who asks me what the hell happened, but also thanks me for not dragging him through the mud with us. The more his presence and stake in this issue stays hidden, the better it is for all of us in the long run. Once we’re all reunited at his place, we discuss everything like mostly civilized folk. He tells us negotiations for Herminn are still in effect, but in the meantime, he’s got a favor to ask. Luckily, it’s not a favor he wants for free, and with the promise of lots of gold, we agree to help. He wants us to sail to an island that’s notoriously hard to find so that we can collect a dinosaur so that he can add it to his collection of many monster parts. But he wants a whole dinosaur.
Dinosaurs, as far as everyone knows, are mythological beings, but we play along anyways cuz hey, we’re getting 40k gold at the end of this. Another 10k to slap down before the trip so we can hire extra hands and what not. With that, Eustace says we can chill in his mansion for the night and get the negotiations underway tomorrow. So TT spends her time productively, comparing our ship’s maps to the maps Eustace has in his home to make sure ours are as accurate as possible while the rest of us get inebriated in one way or another. Once again, I become a rambling conspiracy theorist and tell Owkbanok and Amelia about how dinosaurs are the evolved race and will eventually take over the world. I let them know that their kind are among us at this very moment and could be anymore and as Owkbanok asks the servant if he’s a dinosaur, he says yes, and I take off. I know too much and now the master race will have me killed for speaking the truth. When one of the guards fetches me and kindly shoos the dino-saboteur away, I thank him for his heroics and kiss him.
We finish up the night with a game of strip poker and Eustace gets to come home to the beautiful sight of all of us, minus TT, passed out naked in his waiting room. We have no recollection of what happened at all, but it’s probably for the better. Everybody gets back into disguise and I’m taken prisoner once more for the time being. Eustace terribly makes a joke about how I need to look beat-up and like a bunch of fucking hellions, the party takes this upon themselves and beats the shit out of me and even the servants get in on the fun! Jokes on them all because I liked it. With a thorough and delightful beating, I look like I’ve been properly interrogated and we take a seat for town negotiations with the guards from yesterday. We blow the rest of our ship funds acquiring Herminn (which is now Jacksonville) and the surrounding farmland. So with that all done, I’m patched up by the dino-saboteur who I barely remember and we go out to do a little shopping. TT purchases a parrot named Marcus who starts spouting off some numbers, so now we have a choice to make. Continue on our way to Jurassic Park or investigate what Marcus is trying to point us to.
The majority of us vote to go to Jurassic Park cuz why the fuck not? Once we’re back on our ship and fill the captain in on what’s transpired, he’s less than enthused with all of us and expresses regret in putting us in charge of anything. But give it time and he’ll be proud of us one day. M a y b e.
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