BB's Diary #5
Dear Diary,
I am so sorry I didn't write to you for a few days now, but you know... I was just to exhausted those last few nights, due to the most amazing man in the universe... But more about him later. So here's what happened during the last few days on our way from the mines to Adanum.Noxday, 5th Shadow 211 EoL
After I spent the first night in Drake's arms, I can't believe how lucky I am to have found such a guy, but I am also kind of afraid about my strong feelings for him. I mean I've only known him for a few days. But let's just see, where this goes.
I'm also very worried about what is happening to TT. This is why I talked to him. He explained me that he got his new icy-look and magic from a hot chick on another plane, that it is forbidden magic and that he hopes that when he shows it to the Gatekeepers, that they will change their ways. But, between us, that is never going to happen. They have had the same methods for generations now, and they will never change them. I know it is TT's dream to change them, and I know that I promised to help him achieve that goal, but there is so much more to live for... I won't break my promise, but I don't want to see one of us, or the both of us break over such a secondary goal. I just want to become free from all of that pressure that was laid upon us by our parents and their fame and I know, that as long as we are Gatekeepers, we'll never be free. TT made me realize then, that I cannot just leave the Gatekeepers and stay on this plane with Drake. One is a member of the Gatekeepers for life. If you quit, your life is over. They will find me no matter where I am and kill me, and Drake and TT... I know that I am so very egoistic right now, but I just can't help it.
In the evening I kept watch with Drake. It was so very romantic sitting with him by the fire. I wanted to tell him about the Gatekeepers, but then we ended up talking about our childhoods. How he only grew up with his mother in poverty and how we grew up being rich, famous, and popular, with parents that did not care for us and no real friends. I also told him about the name-ceremony, one of the worst days of my childhood, and that I had slept with A LOT of men... Some of whom were my teachers. He didn't seem to care about that, which surprised me. He then told me that he thinks that I am strong.
We then kissed and you know... One thing led to another and before we knew it, we ended up in his tend even though our watch-shift hadn't quite ended yet. We wanted to be discrete, but that just wasn't possible. Despite it being very intense, we did not do it all. You know my motto: not on the 1. night! And wow, is he a good lover!! Exhausted but happy, we fell asleep in each other's arms.
There were some weird things, though: humans have hair all over their body, even down there... And he used his tongue not only for kissing. Oh, and what on Maelan was he doing with his thumb? I'll just have to ask him tomorrow.
Cenday, 6th Shadow 211 EoL
Today I talked to Yelena, I know she already accepted my apology down in the mines, but I just needed to apologize again. I mean I probably killed the only lead she had to find her mother. And what can I say, she is just so very nice. She immediately accepted my apology, again. I promised her to help wherever I can to find new information about her mother. I better should not tell TT about that promise, because it is sentimental and has nothing to do with our mission down here.
We then continued talking about our childhood and she said something about growing up with her father was hell. I just don't know her enough to ask for details about that part of her live, and frankly, I got enough drama going on right now.
She jokingly said she was jealous since Drake got me and she didn't. Can you blame her? No, but seriously, she told me that Drake had just lost his closest friends in the past few weeks and that he's still suffering. She also advised, that I should be gentle and slow... Well it is too late for the slow part, but I'll be gentle. I see how sensitive and sad he is. And I feel sorry for what he has to go through. She also said that it makes her happy to see Drake happy when I am with him.
I then asked her why the hell she likes Shirel. He's not nice to me. I really don't like that guy. She just laughed and told me that Shirel is like a brother to her and that, at first, he can come off as rough and weird, but that in fact, he is a good guy. Maybe I should just talk to him and find out for myself. We shall see how that will turn out.
Finally, I asked her about her and Birdy, because you know, they would make a great couple, and we ended up talking about how the Wolves have to regain their strength. She told me that I should stay here if it makes me happy, and I told her that it is not that simple, that I cannot quit the Gatekeepers. And then I lied to her. I told her I had already spoken to Drake about it. I know I should have told him already, but it will break his heart, and he does not deserve that. I told Yelena that I like Drake A LOT. She is happy for us. Then she said that she had also been in love once and started crying... Awkward. I then left her pretending that TT had called for me, good save!
In the afternoon I talked to Gwenelle. I went to her to apologize for TT calling her a minor race. But that little bitch did not accept my apology and then told me not to make so much noise when I'm with Drake. Well, bite me! I told her that she was just jealous since a stallion like Drake would never ever touch a creature like her. She did not like and managed to stand up to me. Me! Belle-Breeze Hurricane! Oh wait, you little, stupid girl. You just made an enemy to big for you. But then again at least one person here is willing to pick a fight with me. It felt like high school, like home.
Evening came and I could only think about how I had to tell Drake about the danger that I was, no am, putting him in. I just didn't know how... he then asked me about the discussion I had with TT yesterday and he saw that I was still thinking about that and offered his help. I started crying and asked him what his intentions were. He told me that I could trust him, and to prove it to me he told me about his real identity, but I can't write that down. If anyone would steal you, my dear diary, and find out about Drake, he would be in great danger and that is something that I could not cope with.
Then I was finally able to tell him. To tell him that all I wanted was to be free. Free from that organization. Free from the burden that my parents put upon me. Free to make my own decisions. Free to live my life, but that it just is not that simple. I cannot leave without them killing me, TT, Drake, and everybody else involved. I told him, that I really want to be with him since what I feel for him, I had never felt before. However, I did not want to risk his life for my happiness. I cried the whole time. And then, just like that, he said that he still wanted to be with me. I mean that is so crazy, we've known each other only for a few days and he is willing to risk his life for me. Why? He said that as long as the dome was there, we would not have to worry about anything, except maybe for TT to tell the Gatekeepers about us. I assured him, that even if TT is not so fond of our relationship, he would never do such a thing. And Drake trusts me on that.
We then talked about last night and the differences between Human and Genasi anatomy and sex practices. Now I know what he was doing with his thumb. Apparently female humans have something called a clitoris? Whatever, that night again involved some intensive lovemaking and we slept in each other's arms. I don't think I've ever felt as safe and happy as in Drake's arms.
Mellsday, 7th Shadow 211 Eol
This morning I decided to confront Shirel. I told him straight away that he was weird, that he should stop poking his nose into things that did not concern him and that I didn't like him. And guess what, he just laughed at me! And then he was all friendly. Why? I was counting on another bitch-fight as the one I have going on with Gwenelle (ah, you got to love a real bitch-fight). But no! He tells me that he thinks TT and I were alright and that he trusted us with his life. Why? I mean TT is not really likable at the moment and trusting us might be a bad idea, how would he know?
Of course he told me, as if I would not have known it, that Drake has been in a very dark place and that he seemed happy along my side. We also talked about TT, that I am worried and afraid about what he is doing and what he has become. Shirel told me then, that I was not the only one who wanted to help TT. Maybe Shirel is not that bad after all... And afterwards he said he has feelings for TT. He admitted that they had slept together... I got so mad! Why do I have to find out about that through Shirel and not through TT? Why is Shirel now coming into TT's life? As if he did not already have enough on his plate! Oh Schirel... I really don't like that guy.
After that talk, I had to confront TT again. I was still mad at him for shutting me out. We fought so badly, I'm still shaking and have trouble writing this down:
He told me, that he had fun with Shirel and that that's all (man this will become awkward, when they find out, that they want different things) and did not understand why I was upset, since I had not told him about Drake either. But that is not true! I did tell him. What I have with Drake is more than just a little fun, and that's something that TT just can't understand. He does not know how to cope with my feelings for Drake, me neither, that is why I was hoping for him to listen to me, to help me figure it out. But he started screaming at me, telling me that my feelings could kill me, that he was angry about the fact, that Drake was now an expected part of my/our lives and that I had absolutely no knowledge about what I was getting myself into. But not once did he try and explain it to me. I hate it when he talks to me like I am a stupid little girl! I know, that he is far more intelligent than I am. He knows so much more than I do and that I sometimes (often) have problems to concentrate on difficult subjects. But you know what TT, if you don't even try to explain it to me, how can you expect me to know about it? He always underestimates me and tries to protect me from all evil, but does not realize that together we are so much stronger!
I screamed back at him, that he is the one separating us from each other and that his plan of bringing down the old system of the Gatekeepers is as suicidal as is my relationship with Drake.
I can see now, that he can't be happy for me. Not at the moment at least. He is way too focussed on his plan. I then told him, that I would not talk to him unless he would talk to me without being depreciative.
I turned away from him. He must have known that I was crying and hurting, but he did not come after me. I think I am about to lose him. I am lost here, I don't know what to do or say anymore. I know that we love each other, so why are we hurting each other? I know I can be over the top and that my feelings for Drake might seem stupid and rushed, but I don't want to lose TT over all of this.
While I was on watch with Drake I didn't want to think about the fight, so I asked him about his lost pack. He was very sad, when he talked about them, saying that they were like brothers and sisters to him. And then he told me that there is another member of his pack, Saldri, who left a few weeks ago when all the others were still alive and that he didn't know how to tell her that they had all died. He then started crying while he told me about Kaylee. I would have loved to get to know her, she seems terrific.
Then an unexpected thought hit me and I started crying: what if I am just filling the holes, that the deaths of his friends have left? He might not be seeing it right now, only realizing it in a few weeks... I really want to trust him, but all my life people just used me to get to know my parents, to get a bit of the fame or to get me into bed. What if he's using me too, subconsciously?
And then, out of nowhere, he told me that he loved me! Right there, the big L-word. I did not know what to do or say, it is crazy! We've known each other only for a week... And so it took me a moment to realize, that I felt the same, that I too love him.
Right there, at that moment I should just have been happy, but I guess there is just no happiness for BB. My thoughts started to focus on TT again and how he would react if he knew that we love each other. And if that wasn't bad enough, Drake asked me about our fight in the afternoon. So I started crying, again. That man had just admitted his love to me and here I was crying my eyes out over my stupid brother and those stupid Gatekeepers. Why, oh why? I told Drake about the fight. About TT telling me that my feelings for Drake would kill us, and that his plan for a coup would do the same, but that TT did not want to see that.
He tried to comfort me, he really tried, but not even Drake can help me through these dark thoughts. So, now I sit here, my dear diary, telling you about all those wonderful and horrible moments, about the roller-coaster that I experienced during the past few days. About those two men, whom I love from the bottom of my heart and about how that love might kill the three of us. I can't sleep. My hand is shaking. What am I supposed to do? Tell me!