The Slow Ride in Irrum Vath | World Anvil
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The Slow Ride

Earthwing had not expected to have been so good at her ambassador position. She hadn’t expected the Kobolds to treat her so well, although the fear was still apparent in their faces. She most definitely hadn’t expected to be gifted her own dire weasel - a musky, rust-colored runt of a dire weasel. The poor thing was only about 5-foot fully grown, unlike its 8-foot counterparts, and it was lucky to weigh 400 pounds soaking wet. Though she would never admit it to the other Lymantria, mostly out of fear of rejection, she truly cared for the wimpy dire weasel, dubbing it Lior.
Earthwing, having ventured out of the Kobold territory with Lior, began a slow, casual trek towards the Bajal, or rather, to observe it from a great distance. Earthwing, like many other Lymantria, didn’t ever really want to make it that far down the mountain, but she felt as though something was calling her… something she could no longer ignore. The winding trek took most of the morning, finally coming to a rest on a nearby hill crest she dismounted Lior, sitting on the rugged ground as to better take in the view. The Bajal wasn’t anything amazing, the camp was definitely not something Earthwing wanted to find herself in. She found herself watching as the Bajir went about their day, watching as they interacted with one another and completed their daily tasks. Lior, disinterested in Earthwing’s Bajir-watching activities, slumped away to rest on a shaded patch.   After a few hours of casual watching, she rose, stretching as she moved towards Lior to begin her ascent up the mountain, before she paused, swearing she was hearing whispers… but that wasn’t possible. She shook her head, quickly mounting Lior, nudging the dire weasel to begin their trip. But the voices prevailed:
“Wait.” It called out.
Earthwing’s eyes went wide. The accent, it wasn’t something she recognized from the mountain… the only thing close was the Irra, but there were no Irra here. She shook her head again, chalking it up to exhaustion.
“You must go to the gates… the answers you seek are there.” The voice called out again. This time, Earthwing entertained the thought of something speaking to her.
“Who are you? What answers? What gates?” She called out. Lior had continued their trek, the dire weasel more food motivated than anything.
“You may call me Melaar, but you need not know more than that. The answers your kind wish for, they are at the gates.”
Earthwing frowned, the name hadn’t sounded familiar, at least not from any Lymantria or Kobold legends she had heard… but the gates… had the voice meant the Gates Below? It was the only thing she could possibly think of. The people of Irrum Vath used gates occasionally to separate out the land, but she certainly would’ve just been directed to a place… not to gates. She gently nudged Lior to stop, pulling out a map of the mountain, staring at the crevices intently before she found what she was looking for- the one that the people of Irrum Vath had agreed as the entrance to the path of the Gates- and it wasn’t very far away. She contemplated for half a second, before nudging Lior to continue, adjusting course.
“I hope you’re right…” Earthwing mumbled, mostly to herself, but also to whoever this Melaar person was…
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The descent into the cavern had taken nearly four hours, and both Earthwing and Lior were thoroughly exhausted by the time they had arrived. Earthwing frowned, looking at the extensively decorated doors in front of her. She had half expected to find an empty cavern, so finding something so ornately decorated inside had her amazed. She walked to a wall, her hand tracing the ornate designs, wondering what the symbols and pictures meant. They had to be in ancient tongues, it was nothing she recognized, but the true meanings were lost on her.
“Melaar… I don’t get it… why am I here?” Earthwing mumbled quietly, staring at the symbols...

Comments

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Oct 8, 2020 14:04

This story has some really interesting potential. The inclusion of the Gates Below being something seemingly new to the ambassador could open the way to there being a story about Lymantria researching the gates to try and learn about the disappearance of magic, but I think you might need to be clear about some points: First, since the Gates Below are a well known location within the mountain, are they well known to the point of being common knowledge? If so, I think Earthwing would recognize the gates being referenced rather quickly. Second, if they ARE well known, what has prevented the Lymantria from traveling to research them before now?   "Earthwing, like many other Lymantria, didn’t ever really want to make it that far down the mountain, but she felt as though something was calling her… something she could no longer ignore."   This is a contradiction to the first paragraph, or if it's not, it's definitely strange. Kobolds are primarily deep underground, so it seems hard for Earthwing to be capable of being an ambassador to their towns without heading down the mountain. Something along the lines of "She preferred not having to descend the mountain, even for her duties, but time and familiarity had made the lower reaches of Irrum Vath less a stranger to her." Expressing disdain without contradicting her stated job.

Oct 11, 2020 00:55

I like how you differentiate Earthwing from the rest of the Lymantria with her affection for her dire weasel Lior. I also like how Lior is different from other dire weasels, and I think those differences make him more lovable.   I do wish that more context was given to things that were only linked to. I know that the vignettes exist on a wiki, but it would have been nice to have additional details and context in the story itself rather than leaving it to its wiki entry. This wasn’t a huge problem for all of the entries referenced, but I feel like the vignette relied on those links in order for readers to know what was going on.   I liked how the beginning put us in the middle of things. You did not waste time on how Earthwing got to where she was, and trusted that the reader could fill in the blanks. I also appreciated Earthwing’s inner monologue. It was interesting to know what she thought of everything, from the Kobolds to her fellow Lymantrians to Lior.   I do wish you continued on with the story past the end. I feel like if the story ended with an inciting incident, it would really draw people into the story and the larger world. As the ending is now, it feels like things were just about to get interesting, but the story stopped right before they did. I think if one more exciting thing happened to end the story, it would be a lot more satisfying.

Oct 11, 2020 16:14

The dialogue in your story was pretty well worked in. By that I mean it drove the plot of the story and wasn’t just slapped on there as a sort of afterthought. I also liked how you mixed dialogue with the character mulling things over in their head. It makes the story feel more real than the characters just speaking all their thoughts. I am being a bit of hypocrite by pointing this out, but this story didn’t meet the length requirement. Not a major dig it wasn’t worded well in the instructions. I think if you could easily stretch this out to the one thousand word limit. Maybe if you described the decent into the gates it would be enough to fill out the word count. And with how well you story was going this would be completely possible. I think another way to lengthen the story and add depth to it would be to add more description to the story. Maybe add a bit more explanation of things that are happening in the story as they are happening. In the same vein as that I think some of the things commented on in the story felt a bit out of place for example, when you mentioned that the dire weasel was “more food motivated than anything” it seemed like it was thrown into the story. I think a few more sentences here and there to explain or imply why things are important to the story could be very useful and add allot to your story. All in all I think it was an interesting story with lots of potential.