The Snowfall of Despair

Snow….
Snow everywhere. Not long ago, snow was just a distant phenomenon that I knew existed. I’d never questioned it. I had seen snow a few times before, but I never paid it much attention.
Recently, I thought snow was actually pretty calming. The way the snowflakes fell slowly and gracefully reminded me of a dance. A very beautiful dance. In this world, everywhere in the Nornian Kingdom, snow existed. It looked so beautiful, so white and shining.
My face was so cold right now as I could feel the snowflakes hit my skin while the wind around me howled. I could hear them in my head. The voices. Rika’s and Khnum’s trying to stop me from jumping from the airship.
“Stop, Kaiya! Don’t do this!”
“There is….nothing we can do, little one. I am sorry….”
It was not fair. Why did he have to stay behind? Why couldn’t he get on the airship with us? Why are you like that? Why, Praedyth? Why….
“We should split up, they will be looking for a group.”
“You guys cannot outrun them, I will be the distraction.”
“But-”
“You will know the signal when you hear it, do you understand?”
“Yes…”
I could feel the exhaustion creeping into my body. I’d been running for hours now. I thought of circling back to check on him, but what if I….what if I didn’t like what I’d see there? Was I always such a coward?
My feet hurt so much. It feels like I am having a fever dream. Everything seems so hazy and unreal. I couldn’t feel the cold as much as I expected, but I could definitely feel the memories flooding in. Me and him. We and the others. Was it over? What was the point of us being in this world if it ends here? It is hard to breathe…
Where am I even? It feels like I’ve made no progress at all in the past few hours. Has it already been a few hours? I do not know anymore. All I know is….he is gone and with that somehow I am also gone.
I feel so miserable, is this how people should feel when their chest hurts? I think I have read about this somewhere in a book but it never was shown to be anything like this. It feels like...like I’ve been torn apart from the inside. It feels like I’ve been stabbed in the heart. I can feel it clearly.
This pain is aching in my heart. I can feel the guilt slowly building up. The guilt of not being good enough. Is it..? Is it my fault that he died? Did I make things worse somehow? If I was a better friend and a lover and cared more, maybe I could’ve seen him slip off and persuaded him to stay with us.
I don’t know.
The snow continued to fall quickly around me. The wind was brutally battering me as I continued to run forward. I think that even if I try now, I can’t really stop running. He….. He….. He died for us. So we could run away. I cannot stop. Not now. Not when I am guilty and he’s gone.
I cannot forget Khnum’s face as he said that he is gonna be a distraction. I can still feel the shivers that I got from hearing his voice shatter the air and bring up the attention of every Baronian soldier. Khnum….
Will you be okay?
No! Of course he is going to be okay. He is so big and unrelenting, nothing can bring him down and yet...I feel so uneasy. It is like my brain is trying to trick me.
They will be okay, focus on yourself and escape first.
How can I focus on myself when I let him go and kill himself in such a way….
I felt something running down my cheek. I...did not like snow anymore.