Culmination

When I was a child, more so than I am now, I read tales of youths and their disconnection to their adoptive parents. That the lack of shared blood prevented a true connection… Perhaps I’m simply too naive to notice something like that, as now, at this moment on a knife’s edge, I long for your wisdom and comfort dad.
 
You never honeyed your words to soften their blow. Speaking always with a gentility and honesty that steered me down the right path.
 
But now, in my hopes that everyone would be safe and sound, I worry I’ve swayed the course of events so that nobody is secure or content. What I’d do for a few words of guidance… Is this why you kept so separated from society? The weight of loved ones is both comforting and confounding. There are times when I feel I understand those I have grown to love, then a heartbeat later I concern myself that I’ve caused great offense and upset.
 
I’ve been afforded this moment’s reprieve, seated next to dear Allie, for whom I am greatly concerned… Her Order approaches with clear, by-the-book ideals of peace, ideals she is beholden to. Come conflict I know full well that she will join their ranks, despite her desire to keep Buttercup’s children safe.
 
I can’t imagine how this must be for her and despite all of the hardships she has faced she still approaches all situations with her characteristic, pragmatic optimism. To have such a clear line of sight, such utter clarity, is an enviable quality. I feel I have done her a disservice in my indecisiveness… I long for her sort of clear decision making, but come the time for such lucidity? I flounder.
 
It’s no different from this afternoon’s conflict. My hesitation to fight cost my dear ones and I our health and stamina… Am I so naive in my decision making that I cannot commit to a single outcome? I so long for a world in which words, understanding and patience are the weapons of war. But my Elvish fell short and my companions had to compensate for my inadequacies.
 
The thought of burdening others pains me so deeply.
 
I stayed this course in the hopes that I could live out Her design to heal and serve others, yet I wasted time on healing myself. The visions I thought had led me to Mulmaster persist and I have no way to abate them.
 
What if… my being here has caused inconvenience?
 
My vote cast to explore the Sunken Forest swayed the group. Would Evan have chosen so recklessly had he been in my place? My own selfish desires have resulted in this.
 
At Bree’s concerned I promised to protect her, but what if I simply can’t. What if I am incapable of the promises I hand out.
 
Birdfeed haphazardly cast out for the starlings, the magpie and the robin.
 
Dad.
 
Father… I’m frightened.