Journal #38: Black Marble floors and apologizes

I returned to the boneyard in a very straightforward way. However, being pulled into Pharasma black marble throne room so she could question why I was there was well unexpected. The Lady of the Graves was not happy with our progress in destroying the shards and the revival of the Spiritblade. The Goddess mentioned how she left me unmarked for far too long. Even though speaking with Pharasma sent ice through my veins and I felt like everything I said was wrong, I was horribly mistaken. That feeling came when trying to explain what I had done to Celuriel, and it felt so much worse.
 
It’s completely understandable that she was extremely angry with me, but anytime she looks at me as few and far between that has been lately. It hurts and the guilt, it’s hard to describe. Since she has been angry with me, my pointed ears never have been this low for this long.

Listen I messed up, I know that. I’m not some perfect person who knows ever correct action to take. I thought I had it planned out, which I had every intention of telling you. I was worried that if I died while we were fighting or something happen and the other couldn’t bring me back or contact me, you would think I chose to not come back. I had some many thoughts and concerns about this, I should have spoken to you about these concerns. Not going to you, of all people, first was a mistake I should have known better than to make. By sending you away, I become no better than another Drow by deceiving you. When I had taken notice of this, it made every feeling of guilt I had exponentially worse. With everything you have been through I should have known to be truthful to you, I’ve already told you that I will make every attempt to never hide something from you.
 
It’s challenging to try and make it up to you when I’m not even sure how to start. Humans give gifts and flowers to people they have wronged or made promises of anything they want. Pleading for forgiveness with ‘apologizes and I’m sorry’ is such a foreign concept to me. Those two things just end up getting Drow killed in the Underdark. Perhaps that is why I’m having such a terrible time dealing with this. On how to approach this, how to deal with all of this, the guilt and other feelings that come with all this. Often my people consider these feeling I have to be a sign of weakness. We do not attempt to say sorry, there is no forgiveness where I lived so give flowers and gifts just seems like a hollow attempt to dull a person’s angry at them to me. Through the gift might be tailored to the person to make them happy, With you it’s different. I am unsure how to approach you beside showing you that I am at least trying to be better.

I am not even sure why I am writing this.
 
I have never been one who was good with their speech. My nobility was not one of the honeyed words and waving at massive of crowds, but instead blood-soaked trail. I think by writing out my thoughts I could further explain what going on in this head of mine. Instead of having my mouth butcher any attempt at a sincere apology. Though I highly doubt that you’ll read this anytime soon with your lack of interest in my general existence currently.
 
I hurt you, nothing I can currently do can fix that. I only truly understood how bad I hurt you when you said ‘did you not consider that other people might need you to stay alive.’ The one statement made me understand to the full folly of my actions. It is rather difficult to describe the feeling in my chest, it’s both hollow and painful knowing I hurt you. It's not a feeling I wish to experience again. I am rather sure I know the reason to that as well. When I said you were important to me while we sat on the side of the small lake in Tenaerul, I think I was lying, though unknowingly. For me to feel like this, at your anger at me for my selfish and stupid decision, for my guilt when you pass by. Why I am having such a mental struggle with all of this. I can only image, no not image, I know that feeling. Needless to say, you're more than important to me. Though telling you that, tell you that I have fallen in love with you, using those words now might just confuse everything.
 
Maybe those words would make everything worse.
 
I don’t know.
 
That's not something you should just spring on a person. Before even considering tell you that, things would have to a state of normality between us.A thought occurred to me, which assures me. If myself from my sixth or seventh decade alive meet the current me, if I were to tell them I would have fallen in love, let alone with an Elf. I am rather sure they would no believe me. Thought I do not think my past self would believe anything I said.
 
You have to understand I do not want you to leave. Far from it in fact but I believe there some cause to explain why I so quickly agree with your condition if you were to leave. Why I didn’t even disagree or argue against it. Although I did want to protest, I thought better of it, since it would go against something I told myself I wanted to help you with. I’ve always gone along with what you wanted to some extent because it seems like you didn’t have any desires when we first meet. Not that I could tell anyway, despite you always being so close and quite in those early times together. I had made a mental note that I would attempt to help you with anything you wanted or desired if it did not harm you, or other people. So when you told me what you were going to do, how could I tell you no?
 
This journal entry is just mess of thoughts and apologies.
 
Celuriel, I am sorry.
 
((Depending on the Xmas session this journal will change. **Cough Cough The small dream girl with pale skin, gold eyes, and silver hair Cough Cough** You've know what you did Han.))