Magical Maid Armour
The MMA Unit - It Should Not Exist (But it does!)
"Look, trust Me! This is an improvement!"
There are legendary weapons, ancient artefacts imbued with divine power, and relics forged in the heart of fallen stars. And then there’s Magical Maid Armour (MMA)—a creation that, by all logic, should never have happened, and yet, somehow, is still here.
It began, as many disasters do, with Rika Thunderale, an ill-advised drinking contest, and two very unfortunate professionals who should have known better.
The blacksmith, Kael Stonegrip, whose forge has produced blades that whisper, shields that hum, and armour that absolutely should not exist, was deep into his cups when Rika pitched her idea. The alchemist, Fizz Thimblewick, a creature of questionable origin who sells potions and experimental ideas in bottle form, was already halfway through scribbling formulas before anyone considered stopping him.
By dawn, it was too late.
What started as a joke, a challenge, and possibly a bet no one remembers making, became one of the most absurdly powerful defensive artefacts in the multiverse.
To this day, Kael refuses to talk about it, and Fizz claims plausible deniability. They both agree on only one thing:
"We regret nothing. Except that we did not charge more."
How It Works (Or, Why Lars Pretends It Doesn’t Exist)
At a glance, there is nothing unusual about MMA. It appears to be an ordinary maid uniform, neatly pressed, perfectly tailored, and, by all accounts, entirely unremarkable. Yet beneath its unassuming exterior lies one of the most over-engineered defensive enchantments in existence.
The armour does not wait for permission. When faced with a mortal threat, it reacts—shifting seamlessly from fabric to battle-ready gear in the time it takes to blink.
The Maids, in theory, have control over their own armour. They can activate it at will if they so choose. They can also dismiss it—provided the armour agrees that they are no longer in danger. Unfortunately, MMA does not always take its wearer’s opinion into account. If it still perceives a threat, deactivation is not an option.
This has led to incidents.
Rika is fully aware of this.
This does not stop her.
She activates it constantly, without hesitation, often for reasons that no one else considers valid. MMA does not question her choices. Lars, however, does. Loudly.
To date, no one has successfully convinced her to stop.
Because, in Rika’s words:
"If I don’t use it, how do we know it still works?"
Lars has yet to find an argument against this that she will listen to.
Alternate Modes (Because of Course It Has Those)
While Battle Mode is the most well-known transformation of the MMA, it is not the only one. Somewhere in its chaotic, overengineered matrix of enchantments, a few... additional settings were added. Some intentionally. Others not.
Night Mode
Transforms the armour into the maid’s preferred sleepwear. This mode retains all standard enchantments, including durability, self-repair, and reactive defence, but visually presents as nightwear of varying degrees of decency depending on the wearer. This has caused several incidents in the Staff Quarters, two in the Taproom, and one unfortunate misunderstanding involving Lucian and a midnight patrol.
Beach Mode
Added just before The Last Home’s ill-fated beach holiday. The MMA adapts into personalised swimwear for each Maid. The results are... variable. Sylvie’s was tasteful. Freya’s was tactical. Carmella’s should not be described without divine dispensation. Lars still refuses to discuss how this mode got approved.
More modes may exist. No one has dared to ask.
The "Benefits" (According to Rika, Anyway)
No ordinary armour, no matter how finely crafted, behaves quite like MMA. It does not wear, tear, or weaken with age, nor does it allow itself to be removed unless it is convinced that its wearer is safe. It has a tendency to react before its owner does, assuming the worst with alarming efficiency.
This has led to more than one misunderstanding.
Freya once punched Lars in the face because the armour assumed an approaching shadow was an attack. She apologised immediately after but noted, rather seriously, that Lars should really consider not moving so quietly.
The uniforms themselves never stain, rip, or show signs of wear, regardless of what they are subjected to. They are resistant to fire, acid, eldritch corruption, and, more impressively, Rika’s drinking contests. Rika once set hers on fire, purely to see if she could. It did not care.
The enchantments extend beyond simple protection. The fabric never tangles, the boots never slip, and the moment a Maid is in motion, the armour adjusts automatically to ensure effortless mobility. It has, on occasion, assisted with falls, assuming that the wearer meant to jump in the first place. This assumption is rarely confirmed with the wearer beforehand.
More unsettling is its Instant Readiness Mode. If The Last Home is attacked, the armour activates automatically—whether its wearer is awake, asleep, or in the process of deeply regretting the previous night’s choices. Freya has woken up mid-punch before. Marie has been known to trigger this intentionally to escape conversations. Sylvie finds the entire feature amusing. No one else does.
Despite its eccentricities, MMA remains one of the most effective defensive systems in existence. And for better or worse, it belongs exclusively to The Legendary Maids.
Lars' Official Statement on MMA
"I don’t ask questions anymore." — Lars
At this point, he has accepted it.
The uniforms are functional, effective, and technically not breaking any Inn rules.
They don’t cause permanent property damage. (Usually.) They haven’t exploded. (Yet.) They seem to work. (Against all logic.) So, Lars has decided that the best course of action is to pretend MMA does not exist.
It is a choice that allows him to sleep at night.
Hidden Systems – The Limiters
While the Magical Maid Armour is famed for its overengineered defensive enchantments, what most don’t realise is that it also contains a series of magical limiters—subtle enchantments designed to suppress the full power of the Legendary Maids wearing them.
These limiters prevent catastrophic collateral damage when multiple Maids are present in the same space. The enchantments adapt to each wearer’s threat level, dampening auras, suppressing reflex enhancements, and lowering destructive output to “inn-safe” levels. They are not visible, not announced, and absolutely not meant to be removed casually. Lars is the only person known to override them. He does so with a sigh, a drink, and the dreaded phrase:
“Limiters off.”
What happens next is rarely quiet.
The Relic That Should Not Exist (But Absolutely Does)
MMA is a paradox—a drunken mistake that turned into one of the most absurdly overpowered defensive systems in existence.
It is indestructible, irreversible, and somehow still elegant. It is practical and entirely impractical at the same time. It is why Rika sometimes chants "MMA! MMA!" in the middle of fights.
And it is, without question, one of The Last Home’s greatest and most ridiculous achievements.
Magical Maid Armour – The MMA Unit
Wondrous item, artifact (requires attunement by a Legendary Maid)
The Magical Maid Armour (MMA Unit) is a finely tailored maid uniform that absolutely refuses to stay just a uniform. When activated, it reinforces itself, shifts into battle mode, and takes defensive matters into its own hands.
It functions exclusively for Legendary Maids of The Last Home. Anyone else trying to wear it will find a perfectly normal dress that remains disappointingly non-magical.
“Look, trust me! This is an improvement!” — Rika Thunderale, lying.
Random Properties
The MMA Unit has the following properties:
- 2 minor beneficial properties
- 2 major beneficial properties
Battle Armour Mode
Using a command word, the MMA Unit shifts into full combat mode, transforming into a set of +3 Plate Mail. This process takes a fraction of a second and will absolutely not wait for its wearer to prepare.
This effect can also trigger without the wearer’s input (see Instant Readiness Mode).
Instant Readiness Mode
The MMA Unit believes in proactive defence, paranoia, and the philosophy of “punch first, ask questions later.” If the armour perceives a life-threatening situation, it will automatically activate Battle Armour Mode—whether the wearer agrees or not.
Once activated, the armour will not revert until it deems the wearer to be safe. The wearer may attempt to deactivate it, but if the armour disagrees with their assessment, nothing will happen.
This feature has been known to activate at inconvenient times.
- Freya has woken up mid-punch.
- Marie has triggered this intentionally to escape conversations.
- Sylvie thinks it’s hilarious. No one else does.
Stainless Coating
The MMA Unit grants its wearer:
- Immunity to fire and acid damage.
- Resistance to bludgeoning, slashing, and piercing damage.
- A permanent prestidigitation effect, preventing stains, spills, and odours.
No matter what has been thrown at you, you will still look perfect.
Enhanced Performance
While wearing the MMA Unit:
- The wearer’s Strength and Dexterity become 24.
- The wearer ignores difficult terrain.
This ensures flawless movement, unshakable poise, and, according to Rika, the ability to suplex a warlord without spilling a drink.
At A Glance
The Relic That Shouldn’t Exist
Forged in drunken ambition and catastrophic decision-making, the Magical Maid Armour is one of the most absurdly powerful defensive artefacts in existence. What began as a joke, a bet, and possibly a mistake became an irreplaceable part of The Last Home.
The Uniform That Fights Back
At first glance, it appears to be an ordinary maid uniform—until it decides otherwise. At the first sign of mortal danger, it shifts into battle-ready armour, whether the wearer agrees or not. A Maid can activate it at will, but deactivating it? That depends entirely on whether the armour thinks she’s safe.
Perks, Problems, and Poor Decisions
MMA is indestructible, untouchable, and immune to stains, damage, and common sense. It enhances movement, prevents wardrobe malfunctions, and has an unfortunate habit of mistaking friendly greetings for assassination attempts. More than one unfortunate soul has learned this the hard way.
Lars’ Least Favourite Invention
Lars did not ask for this. Lars did not approve this. Lars has accepted it only because fighting it is pointless. The uniforms technically do not break any Inn rules, they haven’t exploded yet, and, against all logic, they work.
Why It Should Not Exist (But Absolutely Does)
A drunken mistake that became a legendary artefact, MMA is practical, impractical, elegant, and entirely irreplaceable. It is why Rika chants "MMA! MMA!" mid-fight for no apparent reason. It is a monument to the power of bad ideas taken too far.
Author’s Note
This is, without question, the silliest and most over-the-top thing I’ve ever created.
It’s my love letter to maids, magical girls, D&D absurdity, and the catastrophic brilliance of anime logic. “Limiters” were most definitely off when this idea arrived, fully-formed, like a punchline with armour plating. I regret nothing—except perhaps not giving it more modes. Yet.
— The One in the Backroom
Comments