Peaches and Prophets

General Summary

I count three cans: Two peaches, one corn.
This was simultaneously the best and worst news Pete had heard that day. He met the cans in front of him with an intense stare as he attempted to ration out food in his mind. A million tiny calculations later and he still couldn’t come up with an answer that satisfied him. He was relieved they managed to find any food at all, but divvying the spoils could be much worse than if they found no food at all. His people were starving, and Pete intended to give everyone their fill. Why did this have to happen to us, Pete asked himself. He let out a sigh as he began processing the events of the last day; how a clan of crazed cannibals had driven his once peaceful group out of their home, how they lost access to the only pure source of water for a thousand miles because of it, how he lost both Porter and Rico trying to escape from those savages. None of it made any sense in his head, yet it was also crystal clear why they were in this mess. Pete couldn’t help but blame himself for everything and anything that happened to his people. If I hadn’t walked away from the cave with Sam… or if I told everyone to run away sooner… Pete’s mind raced a mile a minute as he pondered these what-if scenarios, until a familiar face roused him from his contemplation. A young woman with bright blue eyes and pigtails waved a peach can in front of Pete’s face. Roused from thought, Pete looked up to see Lissa with a concerned look as she said, "Pete, this ain’t enough food. We prolly got a day’s worth right here if we’re lucky." Confronted with the reality in front of him, Pete adjusted his monocle and pointed to the other two cans on the table. "Not if we ration this properly. We can quarter these cans and that should keep us going for a little longer until we find something else to eat." Lissa’s eyes still held doubt in them, but she smiled nevertheless. She was one of Pete’s oldest companions and he knew she trusted him the most in the group. No matter what, Pete thought, he was going to get everyone to safety.   Loud shouting disrupted the peace Pete and Lissa had shared in the blasted-out house. Taking the lead with Lissa behind him, Pete hustled outside. The sun with its blazing heat held witness with the two to the scene in front of them. Several destroyed homes lay along the dirt road in front of them as five lost souls argued with each other. Off to the side by one of the houses, a scrappy boy kept his hands behind his back as he calmly spoke with a towering woman strapped head to toe in weapons and ammo. Pete could tell that Shepherd , the mercenary woman, was pissed off about something, but more importantly that Hey , who’s real name he still hadn’t learned, was hiding something from her. Then in front of the house Pete and Lissa emerged from, a more heated scene was taking place. A man clad in a bright yellow jumpsuit, Jupiter Shadowdance , was being accosted by two others from Pete’s group, Jagd and Sam. Jupiter clutched something tightly in his hands. What it was, Pete couldn’t tell. Still, he could see a look of desperation on Jagd’s face as he inched closer and closer to Jupiter. Sam was the real threat here as Pete noticed her hand clutched firmly around the revolver on her waist. Both situations required Pete’s attention, and they both threatened to tear the group apart. The loaded gun at Sam’s side was the deciding factor in Pete’s decision to head in her direction. No one else was going to die, he thought to himself.   "Just think of all the juicy meat on that thing. Give it up already!" Jagd lunged towards Jupiter, who skillfully evaded and retorted, "You can’t have him!" Still confused, Pete made his way to Sam’s side and asked, "What the hell is happening now?" Sam, her sights still trained on Jupiter, answered, "The yellow freak over there’s brought us a meal." Pete stared bewildered at Sam. "What? But we just checked all these houses and only fou-" "Not from there," she cut him off. "He’s got some lizard on him. It’s not much, but it’s better than fifty-year-old peaches." It seemed word had spread that barely any food had been scavenged from the town. Jagd seemed to bare his appetite on his face as he zealously smacked his lips. While Jagd continued to leer at Jupiter, Pete noticed a small head pop out of Jupiter’s cupped hands. Beads of sweat formed on Jupiter's hands as he fiercely clutched the creature in his hands. He cried out, "It’s a komodo dragon and he’s my pet. I won’t let you eat him!" Far enough from Jagd to regain his senses, Jupiter looked to Pete. "Pete! Tell him off!" As Jupiter’s eyes met his, Pete slowly sensed everyone’s gaze turning to him as well. He heard the argument with the kid and Shephard dim to a hush. "That fucker lied to us, Pete." Pete turned to Sam as she continued, her hand still on her gun, "He’s got it, too." What is it, Pete wondered? Surely, she didn’t mean that. "You know what needs to be done." With no time to decipher her previous cryptic words, Pete’s mind once again raced a mile a minute. Sam was right. Whatever Jupiter was lying about, he had broken one of Pete’s laws. The group, no, the source demanded justice for this. The next words Pete uttered were not his own. They came from a divine being that felt no emotion. Its justice would be done, and Pete would honor it without question. Looking first at Sam, then turning to Jupiter, Pete proclaimed, "If you two can’t get along, then you’ll fight to the death…"   Blood poured forth from the severed head, still spurting rapidly on the ground. Five lost souls carried shocked expressions as they stood motionless around the two bodies in the center of the concluded chaos. The sun continued to shine brightly over the group. It did not care for the petty concerns of mere mortals in this apocalyptic world. Thousands of equally pathetic humans wandered the wastes in search of that certain something, whether it be wealth, power, or peace of mind. This weary band was no different. One soul, however, was worthy of the sun’s glare. And so, the sun greeted it courteously. Yet, the head could do nothing but gawk at the blinding light reflected in its cold, dead eyes; Sam had already left this world.   The body was still fresh, but Pete was sick to his stomach as he imagined the rotting smell it would leave in time. Even worse, Pete had betrayed himself yet again. I killed her repeated again and again in his mind as he stared at Sam’s lifeless corpse. He had fulfilled the law of the source just as he had so many times before, but it still pained him the same each time. Pete’s brooding was interrupted only by the firm hand of Lissa’s on his shoulder. He turned to face her, but she wasn’t looking at him. Instead, she pointed to Jupiter across from Sam’s body. A moment ago, Jupiter had transformed into a cold and calculated killer as he sliced off Sam’s head with his dual katana’s. Now, he had reverted to a nervous demeanor as the group looked at him. Pete noticed Jupiter had taken a bullet wound in his upper chest and had removed some of his clothes to treat the wound. Pete’s eyes grew hollow as he came to a grave realization: Sam’s ominous warning from before was correct. Red hives rippled like a wave across Jupiter’s neck as he clamped his hands around his throat to cover them up. The same disease that had turned Crow into a cannibalistic and deformed monster, the same disease that forced Pete to exile Wooly from the group, had once again demanded a life. This time, the toll was higher: Jupiter was the target and Sam had died for nothing. Once again, almost like a cult ritual, all eyes were on Pete. As sweat dripped down his neck from the sun’s unfeeling gaze, Pete made yet another impossible decision that would decide his people’s fate…

Character(s) interacted with

Report Date
17 Feb 2019
Primary Location

Comments

Please Login in order to comment!
Mar 2, 2019 22:18

For things that work, I like your title, as well as your hook playing into that title. It creates a sense of curiosity that leads me to continue reading your piece. I also enjoy the strong descriptors and adjectives throughout your piece, which helps paint a picture of what you're trying to describe. The use of dialogue helps drive the tension and conflict and works well with Pete's inner thoughts being presented in italics. I think you were able to convey the personalities of the characters pretty well. Overall this is a very engaging read and I enjoyed it. There are a few things I feel don't really work and need a bit of improvement. Firstly, the first paragraph seems really intimidating. Content-wise it looks like you're trying to explain a situation while also trying to spout exposition; maybe break these into two separate paragraphs, with the exposition happening after your introduction. Another thing I noticed was you using "a mile a minute" twice within the excerpt; I recommend you should only use phrases like those once. There are quite a few "to be" verbs as well, specifically throughout the second paragraph, and should be removed. Lastly, the jump between the 3rd and 4th paragraph after Jupiter's and Sam's fight is a little abrupt and left me confused. I feel that the next paragraph should clearly convey what happened rather than spending the subsequent paragraph describing the end result and passively mentioning it.

Mar 6, 2019 19:43

What’s working well: I thought the imagery brought up throughout the piece was well done. I was able to paint the scene in my head throughout most all of the story. Furthermore, the word choice and vocabulary used to express that imagery was well done as well. For example, the statement, “Blood poured forth from the severed head” did a great job explaining the situation and imagery behind it, even if it was gruesome. Also, I thought the story did a good job with its hook. It was enticing enough that I, as a reader, wanted to continue the story to see what happened next.   What could be working better: I was a bit confused when all of the characters were being introduced at the same time when the protagonist walked outside. Maybe this is just a personal thing, but it was hard for me to keep track of who was where because there were so many new characters in the scene at the same time. Because of this, it was also hard for me to follow along with the dialogue since I wasn’t sure who was who. Furthermore, I think the spacing of the text could improve and be cut up into more segments. For me, it’s harder to go through a big block of texts rather than smaller and more precise segments of texts. Especially with dialogue, it kind of gets lost in the middle of these big blocks.   Overall I thought the story was great though and I enjoyed reading it!

Mar 8, 2019 07:11

Working: The focus on the peaches at the beginning is good, I think it really fits the title, as does the stuff with Pete later on being a sort of prophet, or at least that's the "prophet" that I was getting out of this. I think you also do a nice job of talking about the action without getting caught up in it, because one of the things that can really strengthen stories is telling only what is needed, and making that good, rather than telling everything. By cutting out the fight scene, it shortens the story and it still does the same job that leaving it in would have. I think you do a real nice job of just focusing on Pete and the story as it revolves around him, also. It does a good job of telling a story that very much feels nothing like a rpg session.   Work on: This is such a dense piece. I know that this is harped on a lot but it can be a lot to get through. It isn't all bad, like the subject matter is interesting and makes me want to read more, but just breaking it up would give it room to breathe, so to speak. I think the character introductions feel a bit clumpy, I think even staggering them a bit, or having an interaction between might help to make that feel more natural.