Non-familial Fratricide
General Summary
Dragging her finger along the foggy window, Frit sat curled up in the back seat, other arm around her knees. At the same time, her mind was racing and for the first time in almost a week, it was calm. She glanced back over at Roxxy, the trails of bruises decorating her skin. Turning back to the window, Frit wiped away the name she had written. No time to think about her now. Her mind had bigger problems.
The words echoed in her mind still.
“If you have a shot, take it.”
It had been some time since Frit had killed anyone, maybe even a month, which would probably be a new record, second only to her first 11 years of life. As familiar as it may be, this time it filled her with dread. Sure, she had killed off people with families before. It was a pebble in the stream to her. She just never knew anyone in those families before.
Looking out through the lines she had drawn on the window, she watched Clem sitting outside, looking up at the highway. The kid was cute, and now that the shock had worn off, she realized they were probably not even that much younger, if at all. They didn’t deserve what was about to happen.
10 years earlier
Frit watched as the winds brushed through the tall grass like a gentle hand through green hair, and as it parted here and there she caught a glimpse of movement against the current. Damn, they need to be more careful. Her knife twirled idly in her hand, a gentle rhythm, only to be stopped short by a quick grip as more figures emerged from the surrounding forest and made their way into the grass. Showtime.Present
The car bounced and skidded on the uneven road, but Clem managed to hold it steady, despite the whole bleeding out thing. Frit took a look back at the truck and saw that the gang was closing in on it. Clambering up the sides were the twins and the other two were making their way along the top. Roxy clung to the windshield, trying to fight her way inside. Frit ran her fingers along the rifle, tracing the curves of it as if it were the first time she had touched it. It felt so cold, as if it knew the task ahead. Taking another glance back at Clem, who was just barely clinging to consciousness, Frit took a last deep breath and kicked out the car door, rolling out and into a firing position on her knee. She trained the sights on the windshield, but couldn’t see anything inside, and by now Roxxy was inside. Hate to kill the new boss on the first day. Frit turned the rifle, looking to the side of the truck, where one of the twins was clinging to the side, yelling and banging on the roof of the cab with their makeshift sword. Roxxy, this better be worth it. Frit trained the sights on his forehead.10 years earlier
Frit held her knife out, using the blade to shine light to where she knew Goddo and Moira were hiding. She got a single flash back. Kell, Ike, and Herra all shifted in the tree, getting ready to jump down at a moment's notice. The other figures moved farther into the grass now, two skinny looking boys with a shotgun apiece, and this mountain of a woman, with what looked like an entire armory on her, between what she held and the mass of weapons stuffed into her massive backpack. They had apparently been attacked on the road once already, and judging by the singular cut on one of the boys arms, it didn’t seem to go well for said attackers. Let’s see how professionals do then, shall we? Frit took in a deep breath, preparing to give the signal, when a shout came up, followed by the blast of a shotgun and a scream. Prig. Oh god no. She couldn’t see anything happening out in the field now, but before she could say another word, a crack rang out across the clearing and one of the boys fell to the ground. The others next to her didn’t wait, rushing out into the clearing. Goddo emerged from the trees on the far side with a guttural yell Frit had never heard before, as he barreled out and head-on-tackled the giant woman. Frit joined the chase.Present
The second shot came from shaking hands. Still flew just as true, though, piercing the tire and immediately causing the truck to skid to the side. Realizing the impending hunk of metal might pose as a safety hazard, Frit jumped up and out of the way as it hit the concrete guard on the side and turned onto its side, rolling down the stretch of road. Shit, wait we needed to hijack that. Her thoughts were coming slower and slower as the deafening screech behind her died down, and her eyes fell on the twin. All the thoughts caught up at once and she felt emotions flooding into her. They could deal with the truck later. It was time to make good on her deal.10 years ago
For their first big mission, everything was going about as expected. Goddo was bleeding out, shot off of the woman by the remaining little boy, who was currently struggling with Ike. Moira had managed to take out the woman now, but not before she had gotten a few shots off into the other members of the team. Now that the fighting was mostly over, confirmed by the last bang of the shotgun as Ike managed to turn it to face the boy he was fighting, Frit looked through the grass, following the trail stained red with blood. She found Prig, curled up into a ball and holding their stomach, their eyes pouring tears but no sound coming out of their screaming mouth. Frit ran to them, picking them up gingerly. Prig managed to turn and catch Frit’s eyes for just a fleeting moment before passing out, their body growing colder. She carried them back, barely able to open her mouth to speak.Present
“They got one.” Frit’s words trembled worse than her hands, holding the body in her arms. She watched Clem’s face fall, pale enough already from the blood loss, it drained more still as they fell to their knees, now crawling towards Frit as she set the twin down for Clem to see. She felt every single pair of eyes on her. Her eyes fell down to look at the body, with it’s red hair and the shot to the stomach. A long blink and eye rubbing later, the tears gave way to the body she knew she had carried there, the little boy, covered in scratches, the only red in his hair dripping from the hole in his forehead. Frit had never wished for worse aim before.
Report Date
29 Mar 2019
Primary Location
What’s working well: I liked the imagery expressed throughout the piece. Each scene had a pretty good description of what was going on and it allowed me to visualize everything in my mind as I was reading it. I think the first few paragraphs did a good job with the characterization of the protagonist of the story. It mentioned subtle hints of how the character grew up (how old they were when they first killed someone) who are great details to personalize the character. Also, I think you did a good job expressing the character’s emotions through the first-person perspective. Little bits of emotions can go a long way to better telling the story. What could be working better: I was a bit lost throughout the piece as to what was going only. Between the timeline changing constantly and the lack of backstory, it was hard to follow along. I think for pieces that are this short, going back and forth between two different times is pretty tricky to do. Even though they were labeled with what time each paragraph was set in, it’s hard to pull off. Movies and visual stories have a much easier time with this strategy. Furthermore, it’s hard to balance how much backstory to give in such a small piece, but I think some more backstory as to what’s going on would be helpful. It might be the timeline changing that is making everything more confusing for me than it really is, but some insight into how the main character got into these situations may help. I enjoyed reading your piece!