BB's Diary #23

Lumday, 22nd Shadow 212 EoL

Dear Diary,

Once Trip joined me in the kitchen we had his favorite breakfast: pancakes with bacon chips. He told me about the dream he had, about some guy called Votluh visiting him in his dream. I'm not sure what to make out of this, I just hope he won't turn into another Andy or Gulli. He told me that Votluh visited him because of his broken soul, so he wants to have Andy's dagger stored somewhere to have a backup if his new "friend" will turn evil. So I'll keep an eye on that as well...
We also talked about our group. That we need to communicate more and be honest with each other if we want to survive the job we took for the Praetor Primus. Did I just write "we" instead of "Drake". How weird... maybe I've accepted to stay here in this mudhole and help Drake wash his family name clean. How annoying love can be...
We then went back to the Den, where the others already waited for us. The first thing I saw, was a huge wolf attacking Shirel which turned out to be Lucien licking his face. Lulu looks wild now, but he's still the same cutie pie he used to be <3. Agrax had left the Den again but should be coming back soon. Waiting for him, we got into talking with Shirel and Yelena. Once Agrax was back, he asked for Drake, so I went into the Den to get him. Drake was like on drugs I guess, he was talking weirdly and didn't remember that he only told me about Trip's soul. I guess he didn't sleep at all, he looked terrible. I feel really sorry for him. He does not deserve this, at all.
Agrax lifted the curse that Andy was. Finally, Drake doesn't have to listen to him anymore so he went to sleep. I went upstairs with him to apologize for not realizing how important that job was to him because of his uncle's involvement. I told him that I would want to help him but that I don't want to continue living like that in the future. I then left him to sleep. It was so awkward. I didn't know what to tell him. Usually, I would have kissed or at least hugged him, told him that I loved him, but instead, I just said: "bye". I guess it will be weird for a few more days.
While Drake was sleeping we girls gathered in the tavern of the Den. After some time Trip, Shirel and Agrax joined us. They went to the harbor to get the dagger. Agrax will be keeping it and... I have no idea actually what he will be doing with it. I'm just happy that Trip knows where it is. Sonn after the boys, Shirel's mother joined us. She told me that my clothes sold well and that the owner of the Colorful Cameleon wants to order more of them. I'm so happy, I can't believe this, I'm just proud. The rest of the day was not eventful and SOOOOOO very boring since Trip, Shirel, Lykos, and Agrax kept talking about the least interesting things. I remained friendly and pretended that I would listen to them, which I didn't at all. I kept thinking about Drake and what the future may look like.
When Drake finally came to join us, Agrax, Lykos, and Ada left our table to give us some privacy. I told the group that I think we need to be honest with each other especially if the things we try to hide could put the whole group in danger. I started by telling them that I had a plan to risk my life to get Gwenelle and Shirel back. The reactions were far from what I thought. Drake told me that it was stupid, which I already stated. And neither Gwen nor Shirel thanked me... like at all! Ungrateful! It is unbelievable that I would have nearly died for them. Shirel then told us about his child, whom he still wants to find, and Yelena about her father, who's a god that our father imprisoned. Finally, Drake told the others about his uncle and that this was one of the reasons he took the job. He doesn't think that it is a coincidence that the Preator asked him to do the job, he believes the Preator knows who Drake actually is. Furthermore, he said he couldn't say no to the second most powerful person of the Empire. The others seem to be fine doing that job. I am the only one who is hesitating. I promised them to stay alongside for that one job but cannot promise to continue thereafter. Drake then said that I could always go back to Sedem, that I would always have a home there. He had completely forgotten that we were on a break, so I had to remind him, there, in front of all the others. They were shocked and asked us if it would affect the group, which we really don't know yet.
How could he forget? I mean I get that he was really tired and had a lot to deal with, but still. Am I that indifferent to him? I really don't know what to do with that information. I was hurting so much, I still am, but I couldn't show it, not there, not in front of everyone. They already think that I am weak and incapable of anything. I was so happy over Trip's quick thinking to change the subject.
On the other hand, Trip also made me worry be telling Shirel that he might write a book like that weird giant and become famous. He's not supposed to become famous, he's supposed to stay lowkey. He should not endanger himself by making the Gatekeepers find him. Now that I write this, I can see that I actually will have the same problem if I continue fighting in this group. We already are "the Dragonslayers" and are now on our way to save the Empire from a nasty cult, making ourselves even more famous. I'm so afraid that we are making a big mistake here, but sometimes you need to sacrifice your safety for the greater good.
Once we went upstairs Trip tried to find out where Sazex, the guy I need to take care of for the Ravenqueen, is. He saw him on a ship, talking to a sexy darkelf about finding a stone on an island to give to their bosses within the cult. So I guess I really need to face that cult, even if I don't want to, for the Ravenqueen and to find out what to do about my relationship with Drake.
We then went to bed. All in the same room. Sleeping next to Drake just feels weird. It kind of hurts...

Noxday, 23rd Shadow 212 EoL

Dear Diary,

Today was a rather slow day, where all of us went our separate ways to make some last arrangements before starting our journey to fight some pirates. Who would have thought that my brother and I would fight pirates one day? When we were little we always wanted to become pirates, we build huge ships in the living room... How times have changed.
I went with Ada and Shirel to the Colored Cameleon to bring some more dresses to sell. I earned 2 gold pieces, of which I gave Ada a fourth of it since she really earned them. The owner was friendly and happy to get more of my creations. Once business was done I returned to the Den to leave Shirel and his mother to catch up and spend some quality time. Ok, using the word quality might be exagerated considering the swamp we are in.
Trip spend the day with Agrax and learned some new magic tricks.
Yelena went to the magic shop to buy us some potions. Since they were out of healing potions she went to the temple, where they also have healing potions. After a small contribution, they refused to give a healing potion to her and also didn't want to give her the money back. Of course, Yelena was upset, but she managed to stay calm and didn't start a fight. I'm proud of her!
Drake, he, actually... I have no idea, what he was up to. Back in Sedem that meant, he did something with/for the Guild, but now, I really don't know.
Gwenelle did not leave the Den, she made some of her delicious pie. I would never tell her how much I love her pie, but between us: it kinda tastes like heaven.
One after another we came back to the Den. We sat down together and talked. It felt like I didn't belong to the group. Especially after Yelena started reading a book she bought in the magic shop. She wants to learn how to make potions on her own. They are all so book-smart. Well, not all of them. Gwenelle made a stupid comment about what I bought previously in a magic shop, which are contraceptive herbs. I really don't know what her problem is. Is she jealous? She might make a move on Drake now that we are on a break. They are both adults and free to do what they want, nothing I could do about it... A few minutes later, she must have seen how down I feel, because she discretely offered me a piece of her pie. Since I was still mad at her, I didn't touch it. How stupid... that cake is so delicious and might have been the last decent meal I'll have for a few days. Maybe she doesn't want to make a move on Drake but on me? That would explain why she's sometimes so mean and other times so friendly. I really don't understand that woman.
Sitting there with Drake was so difficult. I still love him so much, but the Drake I fell in love with is not there anymore, or at least not for the moment. He changed so much due to Andy. He became so distant, it's like he's absentminded the whole time, even now, after he got a decent amount of sleep. He asked Cpt Firebeard to take us to Thelzroa, which didn't take much convincing since apparently, Saldri saved his ship and his life by getting into the Kraken and exploding with it. She is such a badass. And realizing that I may never see her again... I can't... she was always so nice, very weird, but truly a good person. I wished I would be more like her, not the weird part of course. I love you Saldri, wherever you are!
Getting back to Drake: he told us the story of Saldri indifferently. Like it was nothing. Like she had picked some flowers and will be returning in a few minutes. I don't know what to make of that. He seems lost, desperate. I worry about him. He's not himself, which is why I just can't be with him right now. Even if it hurts me every second not to be with him. If I wouldn't love him so damn much it would be far easier: I would just break up with him. But it's not that simple, we wanted to stay together forever, to have a family. I can't throw that overboard. Not just yet. I'll give him a chance to overcome this phase. I'll give me a chance to fall in love with the new Drake. I'll give us a chance! I just hope it won't affect the group too much or my fighting abilities since I see how much it distracts me right now. Drake wanted me to stay on the ship with Firebeard, who'll continue his way to Sedem. He might be hurting as well, but then again, how much can our break hurt him, if he forgot about it yesterday?
This is all too much for me, but I need to focus now. Right now, I should try to get some decent sleep before we start our journey.

Love, BB <3