Mellsday, 13th of Shadow 211 EoL
Dear Diary,
after wandering a day in the desert and talking to
Drake for two evenings in a row, I started to realize what happened yesterday:
I'm lucky that Drake and I talked in the afternoon and made up. He apologized, and I forgave him for his reckless behavior.
In the morning, I went shopping with
Yelena to some of my favorite boutiques. I bought some clothes for her and two dresses for Saldri and a ton of clothes for myself. Amongst other things a dress to impress Drake, a dress so revealing, that every man in Sigil was looking at me... how naive of me to think that being admired would matter...
It crushed me, when
Trip finally revealed the secret about our mother. A secret he was keeping for years from me, to protect me. He says our mother used to be different. She used to be nice, have feelings, and might even have loved us... but the Gatekeepers could not accept her feelings and somehow changed her, turned her into the stonehearted creature, that I know.
How could he keep that from me? Knowing that I was a lot like mother used to be? Leading me into the Gatekeepers to fulfill his stupid plan, to avenge mother? Knowing that I could end up like her? How? I thought he cared about me! Was I mistaken? But then again, he has always been on my side, so I must be mistaken, right?
The day only got worse. We had dinner with father, who came home because Hel'Sir told him, that we were in trouble. He then told us his plan: he wanted us to seek some dwarf in the Warrens, who is a member of the Hushed. The dwarf would kill us, just long enough so that the Gatekeepers would know about our death, and then revive us again. End of discussion.
I got furious! Trip is the one, who got in contact with forbidden magic, but I have to die with him? That's not fair! Apparently, there is no other way out of the situation... I tried to threaten my father, telling him, that I would reveal to the Gatekeepers that he has contacts in the Hushed, but it was all in vain. He talked me down in front of our friends. I'm still embarrassed, that they saw how my father treated me, how he minimized me. I still feel small and stupid.
Drake and Yelena convinced me to at least go to the Warrens and meet with that dwarf. So I packed my most precious belongings into ten suitcases. Once I realized, that I overdid it, it was already too late. Trip set all the suitcases and the house on fire. I only saw one option to save the house, so I built a stonewall to extinguish the fire. By doing so, I crushed what was left of my belongings... my favorite dresses, my most expensive clothes, that I wanted to sell to have money for Trip and myself. Our childhood memories, and one suitcase full of money I stole from our parents. All is gone. So now we have no home, no family, no money... he took it all from us.
After that, my memory is vague. I remember going through the Warrens, and some kind of fight. I remember being in a small house, I remember the fear and sitting on a chair, and the cold that ran through me. I think that Yelena carried me through a portal.
I don't really know where we are, and where we are going. I'm so lost right now, I don't know what to do and how to carry on.
Ansday, 14th of Shadow 211 EoL
Dear Diary,
The days are long. I don't want to be surrounded by all of these people. I don't want to keep on walking. I just want to rest at the same place and understand what has happened. I want to find answers, a solution, a purpose, myself.
I barely sleep. I can't fall asleep, because there are too many thoughts crossing my mind. I wake up a lot during the nights, waking up out of nightmares. I keep dreaming that I told Drake about Lovers Regret. Did I really do that? I... I just can't remember...
I start being really tired, but we need to go on.
This place is weird, but then again, inside of me, it feels like this desert: empty and sad.
What should I do?
Aersday, 15th of Shadow 211 EoL
Dear Diary,
I remember this feeling. I felt like this when I was lovesick, and after taking Lovers Regret. This emptiness. I still don't have any appetite. I just can't eat, I can't get anything down. I barely drink. I don't know how many days I can keep going.
I'm pretty sure Drake knows that I haven't been eating. He told me that I look sick. I drank in front of him, so he would stop asking about it. I lied to him, by telling him that I ate. I feel terrible about lying to him, he really tries to get me through all of this, but I can't tell him the truth, he wouldn't understand.
We talked about going to Sedem Lux for a few months after our adventures on Vrinn are over. Just the two of us, so that we can get to know each other better. I will meet his mother, hoping that will turn out differently than when he met my father. I think he also needs that break to process the death of his fellow wolves. I sometimes get the feeling, that he tries to fill the hole they left with our relationship. We need to find out if that is the case.
He keeps telling me, that once we get to Vrinn, Trip and I can part ways so that I don't have to see him anymore. I'm not sure that this is possible since we still all have to face the dragon together. Without him, we won't be strong enough.
Lumday, 16th of Shadow 211 EoL
Dear Diary,
I'm still not eating, I still have trouble sleeping. I feel weak. I don't know how long I can keep up with the pace Saldri imposed on us so that we would get to Vrinn asap and get to
Birdy. I couldn't care less about Birdy, I have too many problems on my own.
I need a new purpose, maybe that will help me get through all of this.
Noxday, 17th of Shadow 211 EoL
Dear Diary,
I feel like one of those lost souls wandering around this desert.
I start to worry about my brother. He must feel terrible as well, I know I deeply hurt him, when I said, that I have no more family. He has nobody to talk to. I have Drake and Yelena.
But then I realize, what he did to me. I won't be the one to talk to him. No!
He needs a friend and both of us need to have new goals in life, separate ones would be best.
Cenday, 18th of Shadow 211 EoL
Dear Diary,
One week, 6 days, that is how long I can go without eating and barely drinking before people start to realize it. Today, Saldri and Shirel found out. Drake tried to stay calm, assuring them that I have been eating and drinking because I told him so. It was all in vain, he realized, that I have been lying to him. I'm sorry about that. The three of them kept on talking, forcing me to eat. Why do they have to bother me? Why can't they just leave me alone?
After that intervention, I suddenly felt really hungry and I had to eat. I must admit, that I feel better now, but my appetite is gone again. So weird, but then again, what hasn't been weird these last few days?
I was really mad and so I started yelling at Drake once we were alone in our tent. He also got angry at me. I tried to explain to him that it was not my choice to not eat, but that I could not get anything down. He didn't understand that, he kept accusing me of not eating, of risking my health and my life, of relying too much on the others to get me through this. The discussion got heated. I felt terrible, I don't want him to be mad at me.
And then we got past that anger and I promised him, that I would try to eat. I also asked him to keep an eye on me, because I know, that I'm not yet able to eat again normally. And I made him promise to keep the others out of this and to not confront me in front of them.
Before Trip burned down all of my belongings, Yelena and Drake pushed me to talk to him, telling me that he surely had his reasons for not telling me about our mother. But, once he destroyed my suitcases, their opinion about Trip changed radically. Tonight Drake told me, that he doesn't want Trip to come to face the dragon with us and that we'll do just fine without him. I'm not so sure about that, I still think that we won't be able to win this fight without his rivven.
I hope we can resolve all of this and that I will find my strength before we have to face that dragon again. I love Drake so much. He's the one who will get me through all of this. I know he will.
I'm so very tired now, I think tonight will be the first night for a week where I'll get a good rest.
Love, BB
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