Session 1: Sylvans, Prison Carts, Losers, Trogs, Big Squids, and Mysterious Ruins
General Summary
July 11, 2021
So, I’m walking down street, right? Minding my own business, when this asshole Sylvan makes disparaging fucking remark. I respond entirely appropriately, and the asshole starts bleeding all over the place and crying to guards. Fucking pussy. Grandfather tries to intervene (like I need his dumbass helping me) and next thing you know we’re in this fucking cage on cart headed out of town with bunch of total misfits.
There’s this halfling, with face all messed up. He’s chatty fucking bastard. Asking questions like “why did you get arrested?” and other nosy shit. Total asshole.
And there’s this crazy bird guy. Looks just like one I saw in that scary ass dream last week. I could totally take him in fight, but I’ll be honest, he scared crap out of me when they first put him in cage. Also, he’s complete asshole.
And then they added Hobgoblin. He’s doesn’t say much, except stupid things like “remember face of your father.” Some people are into that kind of thing I guess, but I remember face of my father when he ran out on us, so, I’ll be honest, that’s less than fucking inspiring. I hope he does not say such stupid things to me. Asshole.
Crazy cat lady was last prisoner. I’m just going to say she’s sneaky as fuck and really fast with knives. Pretty quiet too, so I suspect she’s going to kill us all in our sleep. I think we might develop excellent working relationship. Still, kind of asshole.
And of course, Grandfather. Stupid old man. But I need him for right now, and at least I know bastard, unlike these other assholes. So, we cooperate. For now. (Still, he’s asshole).
So, me and this cart chock full of assholes are traveling all over fucking countryside with million fucking guards and I can’t even take piss without them watching me. Bird guy keeps sniffing down beak at us riff-raff but all I hear when he talks is “quack quack quack”. It is hot and everybody smells bad. Still, it is better than running drills with Bertrand. If I was on fire, would still be better.
After days on cart, jostling around until I think my tits are about to fall off, the head asshole of guards comes over and says “let’s make deal. One year in mines, or you can take care of little problem for us, and all is forgiven.” I trust this asshole about as much as I trust Grandfather, but I feel small joy at idea of saving their stupid Sylvan asses. Others agree, and now I’m stuck trying to keep idiots alive.
We arrive at entrance to mine. It is deserted shithole, but they feed us decent meal and we sleep on real beds instead of smelly, cramped cart, so life is looking up. Tomorrow we will be back underground. Heading back toward the old trouble yes, but still will be good to get away from fucking sun. I have had headache for months now from stupid, fucking sun.
“Get on elevator,” says Head Asshole next morning. “When you’re at bottom, we will send down gear.” So, like idiots, we get on elevator and wait for gear. Mine smells like dank, enclosed places. I breathe deep sigh of relief. Once I get quarterstaff in my hands, I feel even better. Things are looking up! I catch myself smiling, so I turn and give Grandfather death stare to make sure he knows how I feel about him.
We follow tracks down into mine. We find sleeping quarters and disgusting food. Sylvans have not given us supplies, so we take food, but I think I’d rather try eating BirdMan if it comes down to it.
We are intrepid explorers, so guess what amazing thing we found next! Did you guess “giant shit pile”? You are correct. Asshole. What can you say about giant shit pile? Nothing. But when we headed back up tunnel away from terrible stench, four little cave centipedes fell from ceiling and everyone started screaming like idiots. “Oh big scary centipedes! Whatever will we do?” I whacked them with stick like any little child would do, but Hobgoblin let himself get bit and then he fell down and started foaming at mouth and making funny noises. We had to sit there, smelling shit, for an hour while we waited for him to be able to move again. I am regretting life choices.
Hobgoblin is better. BirdMan is tucking away centipedes for dinner and I don’t tell them that they will give him terrible diarrhea. Let him find out tomorrow.
We continue exploring mine, following footsteps, heading deeper. We move away from shitpile and yet stink is getting worse. What a wonderful mystery. We come into room full of dead bodies. Miners. Some have been stabbed but most have been ripped apart. There is shit smeared all over bodies and walls. Grandfather and I share look. Troglodytes. Always worst guest at any party.
I do not particularly want to mess with these shitlords, but thought has occurred to me. If there were centipedes in these tunnels, they must be connected to Underdark. If we continue onward we might find connection and get hell out of here. Ok, so shitlords it is.
We climb over rock fall. Birdman makes many amusing squawking noises. There is water. I have to walk in it. Enough said.
We enter large chamber where once was underground lake, but water has drained away and now we can walk across. I am leading way, of course, because others are useless.
Look now! More corpses. It is delightful. I am not being sarcastic, these are Sylvan guards. It is delightful. Also some troglodyte dead, so guards were not completely fucking useless. Still, they are dead. Also, it looks like some of them got their snooty asses dragged off by the looks of blood smears on the floor. That was nice of them; now we can follow trail. Easy peasy. We can ignore side tunnels for now.
I am still in lead, concentrating on following blood trail when halfling screams. I sigh and turn around, but am confronted by wall of darkness. There is large kerfluffle inside. I am considering continuing on alone, but I need Grandfather for Plan, so I yell to idiots to move forward out of shadow. Only scary cat lady listens to simple fucking directions. All other idiots are flailing away in darkness. So I head back in, find Grandfather by sound of his voice and start swinging staff at darkness, like all other idiots.
Turns out it was giant squid beast. Grandfather nearly died (I have many feelings on discovering this). Mouthy halfling no longer has head. Birdman was attacked by tentacle, or so he says. But marks look much thinner than beast’s tentacles and Hobgoblin looks sheepish as he winds his whip. Ha! If I didn’t suspect it was accident, Hobgoblin would be new favorite.
So, disgusting squid is dealt with and we cross into new cavern. This one is filled with bunch of old buildings. At far end is faint blue glow. Blood trail leads right to it. Of course. So, Cat Lady and I sneak up to check out shit, leaving other losers behind.
We look in building and see two disgusting troglodytes have dragged couple of guards’ bodies into the room. They are smearing blood on some kind of circle in ground and just generally being Troglodyte assholes. At center of circle is pedestal with some kind of cylinder on it that is source of light. This is never good thing. When I get closer later I will see that there is skeleton holding the cylinder and that skeleton is partially enclosed in big fucking rock! This is bad news.
But first we head back to idiots to tell them what we saw. We decide to check out troglodyte camp area off to side of cavern, before dealing with blue light. Cat Lady and I continue to be only competents in group. We sneak in to camp, find two troglodytes and go to kill them, but they are already dead. Assholes. Nobody else is home.
Back to blue light, this time with full contingent of idiots. They are so noisy it hurts my ears. The troglodytes definitely know we are coming and they have lovely surprise for us -- there are four more of stinky bastards hiding around corner and up in ceiling! Much battle ensues, much flailing about uselessly. Grandfather is knocked out, again. Ha! Hobgoblin, too. Ha ha! And then, troglodyte lands extremely lucky blow and I too am felled, very sadly. When I wake up the last couple of troglodytes are dead and Cat Lady and Birdman are poking around the circle where the pedestal is.
Everyone is jibber-jabbering about what to do. Grandfather looks at pedestal area, sees skeleton with purse and a copper ring on its finger. He does some magic shit and then tells us that the cylinder, purse and ring are all magical. What can I say? I am descended from line of geniuses.
He then uses creepy mage hand to remove items and we all stand around like idiots looking at them for a while. We open purse and find some ancient waterbags and food and a note (see attached because I can’t be bothered to write it out here ). It’s all about some kind of disaster and a bunch of assholes plotting against each other.
Then my Grandfather decides to be idiot and put on ring. (I encourage him to do so). Unfortunately, he does not explode into flames, but now when he reaches into purse, out comes book. The book is more blah, blah, blah. Fiery cataclysm, no food, 300 dead, some asshole named Elenath is dead because of farms or something. Go read it yourself. Do you need me to do everything for you?
Anyhow, so that’s where we are, deep in a stinky cave full of troglodyte corpses and a bunch of magical shit we don’t know what to do with. And all because some Sylvan had to get mouthy with me while I was on my way to breakfast. Asshole.
Report Date
12 Jul 2021