Breaking
It is notable that Breaking, a disease that remains through the present day, has several similar consequences to Hypnoid, though it comes from a different range of circumstances.
Overview
Breaking is considered an Arcanics-driven disease due to both psychological and physical repercussions. Due to the use of Dark Arcanics shortening the user's lifespan and an unnaturally nearing demise, Breaking results in devastating psychological effects that pour out into the world. It is considered one of the most deadly diseases outside of the Hypnoid epidemic. Due to the problems that rose around Breakings, Dark Arcanics were eventually banned in practice during the early 4th Cycle. he banning was initially set into motion with the rise of The Faction, however, due to a wave of complaints, it was delayed and replaced with a motion to limit knowledge of Dark Arcanics and restrict usage to small parties of Oath Assassins.Statistics
- Psychosis
- Hallucinations
- Incessant Bloodlust
- Death
- Excessive use of Dark Arcanics
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Magical diseases are always interesting and I like how you've linked it to the previous article I read, about Oath-Assassins!
Content
It is a solid article and well-written, but I feel you could expand on it with some more context. There are bits of pieces, but things like - how are they viewed by society, what are the stories told, what's the education around it? What do those afflicted do, if they retain their sanity? Additionally, if this is an inevitable fate - why would anyone use Dark Arcanic? Especially since it seem to strike young users disproportionally? Is there a first known case? Any particularly spectacular detonations? Stuff like that. Since the number of cases seem quite low and those can possibly get it limited, what have the societal implications been? Do people fear all users of magic as ticking timebombs, unfairly or otherwise?Formatting
I really like the header text at the top, but I would suggest investing in perhaps a more eye-catching header. On the Statistics side, I would also consider maybe adding another break between the different parts, as they are a bit cramped together right now. This would ruin the beautifully perfect line with both panels ending at the sametime, though! If you can find some that fits, I would also recommend adding perhaps a picture or two, just to spice things up. As a general note - that navigating panel on the left is gorgeous!Specifics
This is a really good quote, with two tweaks I would make: 1. I'd shorten "from one's own soul" to just "from the soul" 2. You also repeat "soon ends" twice in row. I'd switch one up to prevent reptition. I would consider changing this quote into something more immediate about the condition of Breaking. If the readers aren't familiar with the Hypnoid stuff or the history of the setting, the quote doesn't tell me much about either the setting or the disease. I'd consider rethinking it a bit - something about its impact on your setting and world, or something about the disease that can pull your reader right into wanting to know aout this scary thing. Also, shouldn't it be "though it comes from"? Also also, isn't that circumstance always Dark Arcanics? It's what the Cause says right on the side bar, but that line seems to contradict it. Is there a reason you use the term "technically" here? The sentence is a little strange in that I don't usually think about a condition with those reprocussions as being uniquely "Arcane", and after the very strong sub-title, it feels like it's lacking a little in excitement. It might serve you better to focus on an evocative first line here to draw your reader in and ignite their interest. The way the sentence is structured here is a little clunky. I assume it means that you get breaking from almost dying due to the effects of Dark Arcanis, but it's a little unclear. In addition, it isn't clear if you mean because someone blasted you with dark arcanics or that you yourself used it (like the side panel Statistics suggest). Now this sounds very interesting, though I would consider maybe rephrase it - instead of just saying devastating, maybe show. Show how the madness of the suffered creeps into the world around them, just in some short overview way to get us hooked. In terms of fatality rate, maybe, but with 1591 confirmed cases, it doesn't seem all that lethal. Maybe most feared, or most feared among arcanists? That seem like a mild way of putting it with people exploding. :D This sentence is a little hard to follow - why are you calling it a delayed banning? First time I read it, it sounded like the Faction were calling for the delay. Since you don't talk about why it was delayed in any detail, it is a candidate for getting pruned to shorten things. Is "The Faction" a placeholder name? It's a bit generic compared to something like "the Oath-Assassins", so it stands out. This is more a question of placement, but the way its written, it sounds like it would be better suited in a history secton. It raises questions about what happened then and what was the study and aftermath like, which would be better answered outside the Causes header. "being the shotening of the user's lifespan" feels like it's inserted into the middle of the sentence there with a bit of a clunk. I'd consider rewriting it so it flows more. Maybe something like "Due to the effects that Dark Arcanis has on the user's lifespan, it is presumed" or something. Believed or theorized might be a stronger word than "thought" Why several days before? Why not on the day? Additional, the last bit: "only occuring to users who have taken decades worth of their own life" feels a bit extranous, and the sentence is a bit long at 35 words. Is it not true even if you are old and have months to life, and start tossing around Dark Arcanis? Shouldn't it be "of having a Breaking"? Personally, I find the double-comma inserts like that to add a bit of a trip in a sentence. It might be worthwhile considering smoothing it out with something like "that males are on average less opposed". This one is a bit odd - she says he was fine, but then also that he wasn't? Additionally, "Loque also was" instead of "was in" or "was also in" read a bit odd This is a flow of information thing, but the tooltip there mentions a destruction that we don't know anything about yet. I'd consider condensing "most easily identifiable" down to something more punchy - the most dire, or most apparent, for example. This feels like it could be collapsed into the prior sentence. "there are two categories of symptomsM psychological and exterior physical. There are also a typo there: 'Pyschological' There's also no explaination about what exterior physical symptoms are, despite being the most interesting part of it to me. You kind of repeat yourself a bit here "main categories", "main effect". If this is more main than the other, that's also a little contradictory to the above. Additionally, "the experience" is a bit vague - what experience? This reads a little weird. It also seem to mix a couple of different ideas (can you prepare to break?) You could also consider moving everything after the semicolon to its own sentence instead. Also worth mentioning something, maybe in a quote, about what these red spirits are, since I don't think they are mentioned anywhere else. Other hallucinations other than the red spirits? This part is a little strange too - I imagine seeing red spirits is also plenty for some people to crack, not to mention the paranoia. :) It might also be better to use some other phrase than "break down", due to the name of the affliction. I'm not sure why this is in a quote here and the effect could use with some more flair or description. It's a little strange to call them physical symptoms, when you are really talking about the world changing around them (usually with explosions?) It's also not what I expected at first: I thought it would have wider reality-warping effects, but from reading this part, it seem that the symptom is really an explosion? Last, it's hard to track the time here. "Soon after this, the Breaking leads to massive wave of destructive power" seem to indicate some immediacy. What is the time frame here? You use similar twice in row here, and you say "similar sense of tension" without really explaining what it's similar to. The second part of the sentence almost feels like its own thing, the way it's written now. Exactly how massive is this massive wave of destructive energy? How dangerous is it? Are we talking a house, a block, a city, a mountain? Secondly, when I think sheer destructive power, I don't generally think "gusts of wind". Hurricanes and such are very destructive, but the way it is phrased makes it sound more like a power-bomb going off, sheer energy-like. This sentence is a touch long at 49 words. You also use afflicted very close together (and again in the next sentence) I'm also curious why young people explode more than old ones. I would have first assumed that the scale of destruction had something to do with the amount of Dark Arcanis abused, initially? In the text just above this, you also start the sentence with "while" You repeat "prevent" twice in row here. I would switch one up to avoid repetition. Additionally, it is contradicted below - you can't really prevent getting the disease. You just have to not use the vector for it, which I feel isn't quite the same. People generally are willing to kill to extend their own lives, but how does murder help those afflicted with Breaking? :) "fractional amounts of energy" is a bit of an odd phrase - I assume you mean fractions of lost energy or something like that, but it reads a bit strange. I don't know if I've seen fractional used like that before. Also, it would probably be a good idea to have some sort of short description of what a bloodstone is, since you mention them a bit. Grim! Also, which remaining population? Of afflicted? Why would they not seek out help? What do they do instead? Do some of them become so deranged that they don't know what to do? There's a bit of a conflict here - the first line seem to suggest any use of Dark Arcanic will irrevocably doom you (which might very well be the party line), while later uses the term "overuse", suggesting there's a limit after which you are in danger. Secondly "Since the disease has been confirmed to result from overuse of Dark Arcanics, the only way to prevent Breaking is not using said form of Arcanics." This kind of repeats itself without adding anything - I'd consider rewriting it and punching it up. :) Phew! Great stuff, Jac! :DCreator of Araea, Megacorpolis, and many others.
Wow! Thanks for the in-depth feedback, though, I will admit, it's a bit daunting to go through. I'm going to, as I look through the suggestions, rebut anything that technically is correct and probably just needs some clarification.
I'm not including such information due to this disease being virtually eradicated before the setting of most of my written projects. However, based on the low case count, the disease wouldn't have had any such effect. It's virtually impossible to do so fully. However, those who retain a semblance of sanity, they will likely give into to their death rather than cause further destruction. I, personally, don't feel that it's worth inclusion in the article. I think I already added clarification in the edit, but it's because the Oath Assassins feel personally removed from the problem and therefore wish to use the magic. Additionally, the case rate is fairly low as the number of cases occurred over several centuries. In regard to this and the previous comment, I personally am comfortable with the design I have going at the moment and just don't like the inclusion of pictures. At least not in my own articles. This uses epistrophe. It clearly didn't work so it'll be gone soon. I'm okay with that as this is just meant to be a slight tease to the article coming up. The idea is that the quote comes from a book focused on Hypnoid, so they do know the consequence to some degree but don't need to mention it. Yep, thanks. It's considered deadly because of the fact the afflicted can wipe out literally tons of people single-handed. Thus, each case is associated with around 20-40 additional deaths making it have a hugely disproportionate case to fatality rate. This is a quote so it's later explained, did you pick up on that? If not, it's because the death of humans generate Bloodstones which can be used to extend the life of the afflicted. "The Faction" isn't a placeholder. It's because the assassination organization, the Assassins' Guild, was the focus here as the faction was being built up on the side. Thus, the name is mostly overlooked. It'll probably have a nickname in-world once I make that article. I don't have a history section as that's not an important piece of the writing. It's because symptoms slowly build up before the final Breaking. Based on statistical analysis in-world, the older people will generally not contract a Breaking due to not having used it excessively. Uhh. That's not grammatically correct though. This is a direct quote from a different written work I'm writing at the moment so it will change latter. However, the comment highlights that he was fine "before" he left later mentioning that "as" he left he was off. Uhh, did the "Physical" Section not fully answer your questions? I tend to summarize and then explain later. There are a few key things to note here from your comments. Firstly, this is an ALOUD meaning it's there to emphasize a piece of information more. I should alter it a bit. The consequences are not actually explosions in the physical sense, rather an "explosion" of power. The effect of which can vary from literally turning the ground to dust, stealing the life way from the flora, or even turning the sky into fire. I'll try to add more when evening out the article again. The timeframe varies. Generally, however, it's a few hours following the beginning. Those who are able to survive the leakage of energy will only last another hour or two unless collecting more Bloodstones. Similar, as in the same feeling for all of them. It's a relation of record not a similarity to an outside experience. This is key because a lot of the other symptoms greatly vary. I'll separate the second half into a new sentence. It varies. Generaly, however, it's around the size of a larger town. It's because they have used more Dark Arcanics and thus have more cost enacted upon them. I think I might steal that as, at the moment, I don't have any sort of reasoning behind it yet. If you have a replacement for "Fractional" I'm all ears. I can't think of anything else off the top of my head. Also, Bloodstones should be published so you should be able to hover for the excerpt? Whew. That was a lot of content to sift through. Hopefully my corrections and explanations fix everything you noticed. Thanks a bunch for the comment.