(Dizzy) Kelmi's Disease

Doctor: good news you get to name a disease!

Patient: *screaming in agony*

Scream To Speech Device: Kill me.

Doctor: Kelmi's Disease it is!

Scream To Speech Device: No for fu-

Doctor: Okay gotta go this is an incredible scientific discovery!

Scream To Speech Device: I will use my last ounce of strength to end you you virgin son of the dead-beat mother****er of an ugly mum.

Transmission & Vectors

Saliva and the dirty. In other words if your BF or GF has been having headaches recently throw them in a dumpster fire to save them from their misery and yourself from having to join them.

Causes

Kelmi parasites are basically little bugs that cut the linings of your intestines, lay eggs in those cuts, die, and then a few of those eggs get to the reward/punishment center of the brain. If caught through the dirty the same but on your outer/inner bits.

Symptoms

Dizziness for several weeks. Most don't seek out treatment because *sighs in this being a sci-fi society they have the damn technology to cheaply and quickly fix tonnes of serious injuries and illnesses the only reason they don't is because the government owns 90% of the medical industry* medicine isn't free in the CHG... unless you're in one of the vassal/puppet states but odds are you're a complete CHG citizen if you're a human in the 29th century.

Treatment

Hear me out here: cutting open a person's head and then cutting out the part of the brain with the parasites. Regrowing it after waiting for any remaining insects to die. Then hoping they haven't lost too many character-developing memories.

Prognosis

Increasing dizziness, followed by pain, followed by more pain and dizziness with no release of death unless you manage to get yourself a regular injury due to the pain and dizziness.

Sequela

Dizziness and headaches, both constantly increasing.

Affected Groups

*breathes*

EVERYONE!

Hosts & Carriers

All humans can spread the disease. It only seems to affect humans and some species of apes.

Prevention

Asking someone if they've been feeling dizzy lately before doing the diggy or the kissy. If they say yes get outta there. Also don't eat food people have already taken bites out of... you weirdo.

Epidemiology

Saliva and [REDACTED] juices.

History

The first known individual to be both infected and seek medical attention (it's suspected that as many as 13 previous infectees committed suicide as they couldn't afford medical treatment or do the work needed to be able to afford it) was Jarlov Mirsk, who finally died when a nurse "accidentally" left a bottle full of semi-poisonous (lethal when the entire bottle is ingested) pills (before you wonder what a hospital has those for a single pill decreases cholesterol) next to them.

However, it appears the nurse had been trying to remove the pain in other ways because she was the next known infectee and took the place of Patient 0 in being ruthlessly studied so that the disease could be understood. A few days later a different infectee was admitted into a hospital for free due to their veteran status, also to be ruthlessly studied.

2 months later and the disease, through very cruel but efficient means, was fully understood. Temporary control measures were enacted on the planet it was on, including making public kissing illegal, CHG-owned medical services offering a 40% discount for anything dizziness/headache related, increasing the legal minimum age of sexual consent to 25, requiring everyone to go and get themselves checked every month (which they still had to pay for) and completely removing VAT on condoms... the last of which resulted in many instances of companies trying to pretend food, toys, gaming consoles and even pets were condoms.

This got it under control and now there's only an average 1 known case every year, with a suspected 13 annual cases... keep in mind the human population is ridiculous so this is laughable to the things that are laughable.

Cultural Reception

Look, I get that parents wanna protect their kids but forcing them to wear gas masks and mouth guards that can only be removed using the parent's fingerprint or a voice command is very extreme.

Type

Parasitic

Origin

Mutated

Cycle

Chronic, Acquired

Rarity

Extremely Rare

Affected Species

• Mostly Hairless Monkeys Without Tails (Humans)