Those that haunt us

Today has been the most emotionally charged day I have experienced in my entire life and that's saying something. The day began with such promise, Martin all eager and enthusiastic to be delving into the tomb of his ancestors to acquire yet another relic, Takuma putting his expertise to the test and me, me still wrestling with feelings and emotions I had hoped I had long since buried. But a tomb is where you go to find that which is buried.
 
In many ways, today is a victory. The ring has been obtained and we are now in the marshes of the Great Swamp, ready to lay our hands on the next artefact we need. But today is also a day of tremendous loss. I did all I could to stop Martin from charging head first into a group of Others. We were outnumbered and outgunned. Admirable as it is, Martin's devotion to his belief that he must save every innocent, sometimes you must act for a greater good. That greater good being us getting away unharmed. I even turned back time to try and strategize our way out of that sticky situation, alas to no avail, I only succeeded in alerting them all the more. In desperate trouble we were and our end upon us when Magden of all people sprang to our aid. I wonder how long he had been tailing us, helping us perhaps. He has always worked in mysterious ways. Taking on Ademere, the Patchwork Monster and a group of Others all at once is perhaps the most incredible feat I have ever seen an individual perform. But such an exertion of power took the ultimate toll on Magden as he burnt himself out and dissipated into dust. A person wyrd is finite, so the old mage said, and once it is gone it is gone. Magden must have known what he was doing, he must have known what would happen. I hope he was a peace in his final moments. As I have said before, I never wholly trusted him but I believed that he always had the best interests of the realm at heart.
 
Poor Martin. I do hope he doesn't blame himself. I can imagine the number of ways in which he will. If he hadn't sent Magden away in the first place. If he hadn't charged down that hill. If he'd been stronger, learnt more spells. Gone after the artefacts in a different order. The list could be endless. I told Martin that I would mentor him properly, be there for him, listen to whatever he had to say, make him believe that there was nothing he couldn't come to me with. Well now I will truly have to show what my words are worth. I resolve to myself that I will be strong but there is some lingering doubt as I still wrestle with my own emotions.
 
So raw is the pain and the memory of Edward that I could not focus for a single moment whilst we were in the tomb. To be in his presence again for the first time since the night of my exile, the emotion was too much. Edward was my King, is my King, and I failed him. Fact. What I do for Martin has no bearing on Edward, it won't make it up to him. He's dead. He is dead. Everything I locked away inside myself, buried as deep as I could, things I said I'd overcome when I knew deep down I hadn't, it all came rushing to the surface and overwhelmed me in a way that has never happened to me before. Edward was my King, my mentor, my friend and I loved him, flaws and all. Loved him. What do I mean when I say those words? A subject may love their King, a student may love their tutor, a friend may love a friend and yet it feels more than that but I would never say that I am 'in' love. I don't and never imagined myself being Queen at Edward's side, nevertheless it is my love for Edward that made me come on this journey in the first place and it is what will make me see this to the end as I have resolved before and reaffirm now.
 
For now though we will rest a bit. We've managed to get a small fire going to keep warm and hopefully ward off anything nasty lurking amongst the reeds. I'll let Martin sleep, though I doubt he well, I can see him scribbling in his journal as I do mine. I hear the odd sniff. Takuma and I will take turns keeping watch but again I wonder if either of us will sleep. We are forced to press on with our quest trying not to let those that haunt us weigh us down too much.