Conversations With Ghosts

I cast my weary gaze across the grass and regard the group from a safe distance. I wonder who that safety is for—me or them? Am I keeping them safe from me, or myself from them? Muddled feelings that I can barely separate out anymore. Everything has become so tangled; an intricate knot frozen over with time that I, for some reason, keep trying to unsuccessfully pick at with whittled nails and cracked, bloodied fingers.
 
iT hUrTs, DoEsN't iT? tHaT eMpTiNeSs?
 
I shut my eyes and sigh, pulling my knees closer to my chest.
 
cAn'T yOu fEeL iT? yOu KnOw YoU cAn, DoN't LiE.
 
"Please leave me alone. I'm not in the mood."
 
yOu NeVeR aRe!
 
"Exactly. So leave."
 
oHhHhHhHHh, BuT dOeSn'T iT rEmInD yOu Of ThEm???
 
"Who?"
 
dOn'T TeLL mE yOu'Ve FoRgOtTeN, nOvA.
 
"Forgotten...? I.....forgotten what?" I can feel my blood running hot. "Quit it with the fucking games."
 
HAAAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAILOVETHISGAMEHEDOESN'TREMEMBERHENEVERREMEMBERS
 
"What the fuck are you talking about?! I DO remember." I clench my fists. Nails break skin. "I remember EVERYTHING that happened to me. I will NEVER forget."
 
oH dEar...
 
YOU'REFUNNYYOU'REFUNNYYOU'REFUNNYYOU'REFUNNYYOU'REFUNNY
 
iS tHaT wHy YoU wAtCh ThEm? So YoU wOn'T fOrGeT tHiS TiMe??
 
"Stop."
 
iT cAn'T hUrT yOu If YoU dOn'T kNoW hOw It fEeLs RiGhT?
 
"S t o p."
 
bUt iT hUrTs AnYwAy, DoEsN't iT??
 
YOU'LLKILLTHEMYOU'LLKILLTHEMYOUKNOWTHEYAREN'TSAFE
 
"STOP."
 
iT hUrTs So mUcH, yOu WaNt So bAdLy WhAt YoU cAn't HaVe
 
BUTYOUKNOWWHATYOUARE
 
"SHUT UP!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEAVE ME *ALONE*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
 
I'm on the ground, clutching my skull. Torn hair in my fists. I can feel their scrutinizing glares. He's crazy, I'm sure they're whispering. He does it to himself, it's his own fault.
 
I am. I do. It is. I deserve this.
 
And something deep inside me aches.