I Gave Them Blood

It always starts the same way.
 
Fire.
 
Everything on fire.
 
Smoke so thick and dark it coats my lungs. Oh, the mercy it would be to suffocate.
 
Screams. Bloodcurdling. Names crying out for other names, pleading, begging, desperate. Wet gurgles. They don't scream anymore.
 
Death hanging heavy in the air of the night. Homes aflame, mostly rubble, bodies thrown across the framework like discarded dolls. Toys in life's sick little game.
 
Blood. So much of it. Slick and sticky. My boots, my uniform, my hair, my face, my mouth, my hands. My hands. My *hands*. It ignites the fire that leaves me, feeds it like gasoline, each recoil knocking me to my knees. My "eye" bleeds, mixes with the tears I swallow and choke on. I'm not used to it, it wasn't ready.
 
No time. Orders are orders. Insubordination is death. Keep going.
 
Eyes follow me, wide, *horrified*, my boots crushing bones, limbs, belongings, futures, hopes and dreams. The stench of rot, of burning flesh. Another Fireball tears across my skin, rips through my body, launches across the sky and impacts a cluster of buildings to the west. I vomit violently, I wipe my mouth, I continue.
 
Time is somehow both dilated and accelerated. I can see all the colors of each explosion as they happen⁠—deep reds, oranges, and yellows⁠—colors that should be reserved for beautiful things like sunsets with a friend, the leaves on the trees in autumn, the eyes of someone important to you, the warmth in someone's voice. I can't tear my gaze away as I run, and run, and run....
 
There is a flash; I'm straddling a body, too small, my hands around their neck, and they're crying, struggling, asking me why. I don't have an answer. What would suffice? They cough and sputter blood, continue to struggle, and I tighten my grip.
 
But this time the person changes, their form amorphous beneath me before shifting rapidly through features. White fur stained with blood. Blue skin and pointed ears. Long brown hair. Glowing orange eyes. Smaller frame with a mischievous grin tainted with pain. Blonde hair, sad eyes, glasses. No, no no no nonononono. This isn't right. There's no way, there's no way.....
 
My chest caves in as the form stops struggling, as the life leaves their eyes. I heave, there's no air, *there's no air*, I scream, I scream, I scream, my throat bleeds and I SCREAM—
 
I wake. And every time I do, I wish I hadn't.