Entry 3 - Things Are Hard...

Final Day Of The Job - Grr The Enemy
After defeating everything that attacked us in the middle of the night, Yitoshk and I actually agreed for once since I joined. I'll keep it short. We pushed onwards and got to where we believe the captives Grr must've taken were, and Yitoshk was pushing everyone so hard that I just...
I gave in for the first time since I left the place my parents died. I tried to show some compassion and told everyone that I know I'm not in charge, but maybe it would be wise to rest and bring our morale back up.
The first thing that happe- I just wanted to.. Even when I agree my words get twisted around. We ended up taking a break but I was feeling emotional, and decided to keep watch instead, it's times like these that make me realize the truth of the matter. They all wonder why I walk around trying to forgive myself for the past and move on past the terrible things that have happened... If I don't nobody else will forgive me.
The past few days haven't been great. I can act like it doesn't get to me all I want, but at the end of the day I'm still a person, and there's only so much I can take before I break down again and give up trying to help them or myself. But I had to clean up my act and go back to everyone, this wasn't important at the moment.
We crushed the lizardmen guarding a cave with foul smells emanating from it. Inside was a large toad creature, that was just as easily dispatched. I've actually taken quite a beating in this fight, even if it wasn't a long battle. Must be... distracted. Can't get the thoughts from earlier out of my head. Guess the job was just kinda.. Over. We returned back to the Klif Company
 
The Day After - Night Owl
Waking up in a cold sweat during the dead of night isn't my idea of getting rest. I had a lucid dream tonight. More like a nightmare.
I was in a field surrounded by men and fire. The cool breeze was suffocated by the heat and smoke. Everything, everyone, chanting my name telling me I was their hero. But when I looked down from their cheering faces, we were all standing in blood. In my own reflection there was no damn hero, just a murderer pretending. I looked back up and saw a house with children barricading themselves inside screaming at the locked windows.
No matter how sad and scared they looked I couldn't hear a single sound. Nothing. Behind me was Yitoshk, always behind me, and around his feet... a man. Must've been an elf. He was begging Yitoshk to stop.
Pleading that he needs to stop me, his children didn't deserve it, burn him instead. Yitoshk reached out his hand to stop me, and I dropped the torch onto the building. As flames engulfed everything I could finally hear the sounds of them screaming from the inside of the building.
And now here I am waking up in the middle of the night; that was right before Yitoshk decided to leave me and do something else with his life...
 
Well okay, after I got up to record my thoughts about that nightmare I decided to get a drink of water at the Company mess hall. Guess Kasvaar IS always watching, cause there he was smiling at me.
Said some random junk about how I looked in the moonlight shining through the windows. After some silence he decided to get serious and ask me for a report of what happened. Quite honestly, I let him read my journals instead so he could stop bothering me. That's when he told me about the next job, explained it was probably good that I take a break from my co-workers. I was to head back to my friend that was able to get me inside Laelon back when I was younger. Said something big was coming, once I got the info from my informant I'd understand. When I was done with that he'd send word of what to do next.
As I set out and camped for the rest of the night out in the open air, I felt something. Eyes watching me. And tattered scraps of cloth laid out near my camp in the morning. They all had a red eye with blood dripping out of it, and the words "Justice Only Exists Within The Minds Eye". I'm starting to understand. No time to camp anymore, I gotta move.
I'm leaving this page behind so my comrades can read it. Stay safe everyone.