Feelings shut tightly
Shortly after ____ confided in Elly about the heavy feelings of guilt and blame weighing on her shoulders, Elly became incensed at V and Arata for their obliviousness toward ____'s suffering. Arata, after being confronted by Elly, decides to have a long overdue heart to heart with ____.
"If I had refused ____-- if I had died that day instead of killing him, then maybe everyone would still be alive! And maybe Red and Anya and Dingo and the others wouldn't have had to suffer the way they did!"
"If you hadn't killed him, he would've found someone else to do it...or he would have done it himself. And then Naomi would would end up the same. Their minds were made up. They wanted to go and nobody could've changed their minds. You know this, ____."
"Then at least it wouldn't be me! At least it would be on somebody else! How can I lead the Masks when I've killed so many of them? How am I supposed to look in the mirror and tell myself my life is worth living, worth more than Red's or anybody else's that died?! How can you all accept me and love me even though I destroyed everything?! You tell me I'm stupid for blaming myself, Genji tells me I was right to put my life before my best friend's own father, and even on days where I can barely bring myself to look at V out of shame, he still smiles at me and treats me like his best friend! Even though you all assure me, this guilt won't go away! Every time I look at my own hands, all I see is blood. When I find myself smiling, I think about who I'm standing on to be here. When I find myself relaxing, I force myself to work or train to become stronger, so I don't fuck it all up again! In the mirror all I see is a fucking monster who should be long dead!"
Arata sat there, wide eyed and muted. "How have I been so oblivious for so long?" he wondered. He had been lying to himself all along, choosing to ignore her forced, muted smiles and quick changes of the subject, how her willingness to talk so in depth about her feelings dwindled over time...until all of her assurances became lies. Yet he confided and leaned on her often, all the while brushing her feelings away to spare his own. What feelings of his was he even protecting? Arata felt stupid; he only wanted to see her happy, so why did he everthink that pretending everything was okay would help anything? His eyes welled and he couldn't stop himself from scooping ___ into his arms. Arata considered ___ and himself to be inseparably close, but he could not even act as a proper partner, not as kind as she had been to him.
"When Genji found out about my plans to die, he asked me what good would it be to die now." ____ sniffled out. "And I couldn't answer him. He looked so upset. He actually grabbed me and wouldn't let me go until I swore not to hurt myself" she chuckled bitterly at the memory of Genji's unusual earnestness. "I thought I'd made up my mind to die fighting, but I when I was there I couldn't bring myself to. I shouldn't, but I want to live. I want to be happy. But it feels so wrong. I feel so selfish, so awful. Why do I get to be happy when I deserve it the least of all?" ___ could not even bring herself to look up at Arata, only meekly clinging to his shirt. She lamented the joy she felt from Arata's quiet comfort. Days spent happy and full of enjoyment fueled countless lonely nights of doubt and loathing. Doubt and self hatred gnawed at her heart and lived in her shadow, but for reasons she could not put into words, or even understand herself, she still woke up every day and sought joy, fully knowing the pain that awaited her when she was alone. And she hated herself for it.
"...I'm sorry for callin' you stupid all the time." Arata's deep voice against her head felt somehow soothing. "I didn't know...I should've realized sooner, that you were holding all this in. I just wanted you to smile with the rest of us. I'm sorry for being so selfish. I...still feel guilty every day over the things I've done, but I still try even though sometimes I feel the same way you do. I think everyone is the same. You aren't alone with that, ____." Arata grabbed ____'s shoulders and made to see her eye to eye. "I don't blame you for anything, and I never will. Genji doesn't, and neither does V. You probably don't believe me, but I'm right. If he did you'd know, he's a vindictive asshole when he wants to be, you know that much." He smiled wryly, managing to extract a small smile from ____. "Nobody here hates you, and we don't want you to hate yourself, so please. Please don't try that again." Arata pulled her into a tight squeeze again. "And please don't hold stuff in anymore, at the very least Genji and I am here for you."
"Yeah." ___ promised, in a small, wavering voice, this time squeezing Arata back. "I can't just make these feelings go away yet...but I want to be happy."
"If only it were that simple!" Arata sighed. After a moment of silence he murmured... "I'll be right here with you until then, and every moment after too."
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